# TORN: feeling guilty sad and selfish



## tankgirl (Jul 26, 2007)

SO

I am debating with myself about letting my baby go. My beloved Belgian is 17 years old and I am becoming unable to cope with her. She is completely incontinent and unable to control bowel movements. We are in the process of moving so I cannot let her have the run of the house anymore due to the messes. She is always falling down, unable to get up without assistance. She still eats well and drinks alot of water. I now have to get up at night because she gets herself caught in places she cant get out of and barks in panic. I think it is time to let her go but am confused. Am I just being selfish because she is inconvenient? or is she suffering? I honestly cannot tell. The vet says she has doggie dementia which is why she gets herself caught in corners etc. I love her and don't want her to suffer, but I also don't want to put her down because she is "too much trouble" for me. I am having a hard time figuring out the line here and asking for guidance.

Thanks

Tankgirl and Ari


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## LaRen616 (Mar 4, 2010)

Thats a very difficult position. 

If she were in pain I would put here down.

If she's not in pain but she is becoming a "pain" I would not put her down

She doesn't have much longer being 17 and all, she is still your baby, wether she is a PITA or not


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## FuryanGoddess (Dec 26, 2009)

Does she have any quality of life? She poops and pees herself, gets scared if she gets lost in the house/corner... falls and can't get up? Why is it pain? is she weak or is she just that old? 

It' is always a hope that they go quietly and peacefully in their sleep. I don't envy your decision... Make the best one for her, it's all that you can do.


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## Dainerra (Nov 14, 2003)

one way I look at it is "would I want to live that way"? 

unable to control body functions.
falling and unable to get up
getting lost in my own home. (what will it be like once she is in the new home??)

there are different levels to quality of life besides physical pain.

Edited because I don't want anyone to EVER see the horrible grammar mess I made of that last sentence


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## FuryanGoddess (Dec 26, 2009)

A agree w/ Dainerra fully.


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## Dainerra (Nov 14, 2003)

I think it's a personal decision that, at some point in time, will leave you feeling guilty and "what if"

what if - 
I had spent more $$
tried the experimental treatment
given one more chance to pull through
any number of things and worries and guilt.

even if you know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that it's time, you can still have guilt. Should I have done it sooner? Was she suffering in silence? 

I wish you peace, whatever decision you come to.


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## AvaLaRue (Apr 4, 2010)

We struggled with that decision ourselves, with our 18 year old black lab. Sometimes she would get a little burst of energy that made her act like a puppy again. But 99% of the time, she could barely move, lost bodily functions, blind, deaf. I put it off just hoping she would go peacefully and not force me to make a decision. My son is 16, he grew up with this dog. How could I make the decision to put his dog down?! It finally got to the point where my son said "mom, please put her down while she still has her dignity". That was such a grown up thing for him to say. Sometimes we have to realize that we need to do what is right for our four-legged family member. I was being selfish for wanting to keep her around longer for us, when it was quite obvious she was ready to cross the bridge. We said goodbye to her right after Thanksgiving. She had the best Thanksgiving ever...all the food she wanted! I do not envy you having to make that decision. I still wonder if we did the right thing, but deep down, I know we did. 

Good luck. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this.


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## MaggieRoseLee (Aug 17, 2001)

When it's time for me to make these decisions about my pets, I try to make them for my dog and not just be selfish and think of how awful it will be for me...

What is the quality of life for my dog at this point? Are they enjoying every day? Still have that sparkle and joy? Enjoying their meals and able to get around without excessive pain/drugs?

Sad truth is, there is no vet who can fix 'old'. So prolonging the decision only takes more a toll on our dogs if we are looking more at how hard it is for us to call the vet. Rather than how hard it is for our dog when we do not.

It's never an easy decision. But I hope I always make the right decision, for my dog.


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## Jelpy (Nov 8, 2009)

I'm with Maggie Rose Lee. I'd say you need to sit down and figure out if you are keeping her alive for her benefit or for yours.

Jelpy


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## Tess'Friend (Apr 5, 2010)

Hi, we have been married 56 years and have had a dog or dogs all those years. We have been faced with the agonizing decision a few times. We talk to our Vet and then make the decision. Most often it has been to let our friend go. It is heartbreaking and a tearflowing decision, but for us it is the last kindness we can do for our beloved friend. Tess'Friend


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## Trina (Sep 11, 2009)

We went through the same agonizing decision with our 12 yo Akita-totally incontinent, fell over easily, not interested in his surroundings, lost a great deal of weight. But I was devoted to him and figured this was part of the deal, so to speak, you know, through good times and bad. When he went off food AND water that was the decisive factor. And yet still, like Dainerra said, I kept asking myself all of those "what if" questions.


Dainerra said:


> what if -
> I had spent more $$
> tried the experimental treatment
> given one more chance to pull through
> ...


For me, no truer words were spoken. 

Should you decide that letting her go now is in her best interests, then I think that after a little time has passed, you will be able to put some perspective on it and know that you really did do what was best for you and your dog.


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

well it is the most agonizing decision, and one only you can make. it is the final gift we can give to these animals we love so much tho, and it does sound like it may be time, or very close to the time, for you to help her. not because of the incontinence or inconvenience, but because of the doggy dementia, which is surely frightening for her. do you have mobile vets where you are or can your vet make a house call? it would be so much easier on both you and your girl. i think it's the exception to the rule when they go by themselves, no matter how much we wish they would, and we have to be strong and help them, no matter how painful or difficult it is for us, in return for the years of loyalty and unconditional love they've given us. bless your girl's heart and i wish you peace of mind as you make your decision. take care.


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## Jessiewessie99 (Mar 6, 2009)

I would say the best thing to do is let her go. Its best. I had my Maxy since he was a pup. He was the runt, he had skin issues, and kind of over weight. But we did everything we could to help him. We overcame the skin and weight issues. Max lived til he was 14. Eventually he started having back problems, he was getting slower, he was going blind.His sister(Simaba, RIP) had just passed away the month before, and we knew he missed her. We took him for walks, and he would stop and look behind him to see if his sister was behind him, and look for her in the backyard. But I still loved him. But then he started coughing and having breathing problems. My parents took him to the vet to see what was going on.

Sadly, Max was diagnosed with cancer. The only way to save him was through and very expensive surgery. My family did not have that kind of money. I was at a retreat with my church that weekend, I was coming home Sunday that weekend. I was so excited to see him, but my parents sat me down and told me that he was put to sleep.....OMG, just talking about this makes me get teary eyed.Well anyways, I hated my parents for that. I yelled at them saying "You could have saved him!" but after some time thinking I knew what they did was the best thing for Max.

He was with his sister, free of pain and able to eat all the biscuits he wanted.(he loved food!)

As for the dementia, I am going thru that with my grandpa.My family and I don't think he will be around much longer. Its hard for him to pay his bills, get dressed and etc. 

As hard as it seems, but the best thing to do is to put her to sleep. 

6 days after Simba passed away, Molly was born. She resembles Simba in so many ways. And after we got Tanner, we noticed how much he resmebled Max!lol. Its like they left something here for is to remember them. I will always remember them, they were my first dogs.

But if you do choose to put her to sleep, remember she will always love you, and knows you love her too. She will be waiting for you at the Rainbow bridge.=) Think of all the good times you had with her. My dad showed me Sirius, the dog star, he said thats where all dogs go when they pass on. So when you look up in the night sky, you will know where your beloved dog is, waiting for you.


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## holland (Jan 11, 2009)

17 years is a long time ...I only made that decision once..when I took Sadie into the vet she just snuggled into my arms and I believe she knew what was happening and was trying to tell me it was ok and that she wanted to go...it was hard making the decision but I felt it was the right one...it is doing them a kindness I believe


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## PupperLove (Apr 10, 2010)

I am so sorry you have to make this tough desision.  It would be so hard to decide whether or not your beloved pet lives or not, but you have to consider her quality of life and what is really happening.

Shes very old and probably not going to get any better. If she can't control her bladder/bowels, can't get up anymore, and is scared/confused in her own home it might be best to let her go. Right now she is pretty much trapped in her own body...it might be time to set her free 

My great grandma developed demensia after a stroke. She didn't know anyone, or where she was..EVER. It was sad to see her die, but at the same time I was so happy that she could finally be free from the mess she was in, so really it was bittersweet. Maybe you will find yourself feeling that way if you decide to let her go.


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## ChristenHolden (Jan 16, 2010)

Me and my Husband had to make that dision a a few months ago with his 18 year old Shar Pei. She was diaignosed with a brain tumor. We took her in because all of a sudden she stared havin BAD REALY BAD gran mal seziurs(sp?)She would litterly climp walls convlse and mess her self we had to keep her in a kennel carry her in and out. Then her kidneys started to go and she would jus pee all over the house stunk because her bed was soked we wased it every day we had a spare one in one out. Then she got to were she could not walk or stand. That was the worst weekend ever waiting for monday. By sunday poor girl could not even lift her head jus prop it up on the water bowl. Having her PTS was the best thing for her not for us. My husband still feels if we spent more $ she may have lived a little longer. We went through that for at least 6 months watching her witther away to nothing at fist she did have more good days but at the end she was misribale and ready to run free and young again. And we would do it all again but not every one can or will. I for one will respect any desion you make for you and your family. Good luck best wishes.


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## VegasResident (Oct 4, 2006)

Last year I PTS my baby girl. She was my soul dog so believe me I know the agony you are in making the decision. If we only did not have to make such decisions. Let me share a few things:

1. It is your decision, no one elses. The more you ask, the more opinions you will get. It is a decision to be made from your heart alone because as we all know, we are the ones that live with it.

2. Anyone who has lost a dog through putting them to sleep will tell you they felt guilt over something in the end. It is human. A therapist once told me that only good people feel guilt. I truly believe that. Do not let it eat you away. Share your feelings with those that understand.

3. Your pup lives for the moment. Only humans live for the future. Humans plan ahead. Pups enjoy what is. When we talk about having them for a few weeks or months longer and they are suffering, we are making that decision for us and not them because we are the ones that hope for the future.

Lastly, it will hurt. No matter what, if you loved your pup the way everyone on these forums have, you will hurt and it will seem like it will not get better. But it will. Time will do it and coming here to spend time with others will do it.

Just know that because of the way you feel, you are a good person who loves their pup. Do what is right by her and know you can always come here and we will understand.


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