# Tessa passed away last night



## Lin (Jul 3, 2007)

I don't know if i should be posting... I don't know if this is the right section for what I'm saying, etc. But my head is just spinning and I guess I need to get some words out. 

Tessa died in her sleep last night sometime between 2am and 6am. I fell asleep sometime after 2, and I have a medication alarm that goes off at 6 am. I have this OCD thing, I've done it for as long as I can remember, where when my pets are sleeping I look to make sure they're breathing and if I don't see that fast enough I wake them up. So I said Tessa's name, and usually she'd shift her weight, lift her head and I'd hear her collar, etc. Sometimes she's sleeping too soundly and doesn't respond the first time. So I said her name louder, and nothing. Thats happened before too with the pets and I had to touch them. But I reached to where she was laying and she didn't move.. I grabbed her collar and jerked it... It was at that moment I knew. But I just kept jerking her collar... 

Ok, fastforwarding before I become a complete mess again. I don't understand what happened. She was only 10. I had a vet appt for her monday because she had been acting like her stomach was upset, and completely refused food on wednesday and so thursday I called the vet. She also refused food last night. About 6 weeks ago she had an upset stomach, I was staying with my bf and she also seemed constipated so I was giving her gas x to see if that helped, milk as a laxative, and feeding pumpkin and egg. So I wasn't too concerned this time, but she wasn't walking much, or running/playing with Emma so I got scared. Then the complete food refusal so I decided to take her to the vet. I had no idea I should have been rushing her to the ER vet... 

I feel like I failed her. Like I missed something. I should have gotten her to the vet sooner, 6 weeks back I was going back and forth debating the vet and then she got better. 

Now the thing that sent my head reeling and why I needed to get the words out. I'm sitting in bed with my laptop and trying to distract myself, my head is pounding from the hours of sobbing... And I looked over to the blanket where Tessa had been laying and I saw BLOOD. Its not a lot of blood, it didn't soak through the blanket. The spot looks like it would have been directly under where she was laying, not like right where her mouth or tail was. My roommate moved her for me and I wasn't there so I hadn't noticed then. I don't understand what it means... What did I miss?! 

I'm not sure what to do with her and I don't want to have to decide but I know I need to and fast. When Logan passed I wanted to cremate him but didn't have the money. He passed while I was at work and they buried him on the property of the riding stable. My roommate said he can bury Tessa here, but I'd have to decide fast due to the rain. Is the ground frozen? Another concern is the backyard here floods severely, so they've buried their cats on the side of the house up front to not be in the flooding. 

Random... But like I said my mind is spinning. My roommate asked me where I wanted him to put Tessa in the garage, so I said I'd lay a blanket down and another blanket for him to cover her. When I went out there I couldn't just lay the blanket on the concrete floor. Its ridiculous but I grabbed this foam and put it down first and the blanket on top. 

More mind spinning... My mom and I don't get along, there was abuse when I was growing up and she's just a selfish person. I haven't really talked to nearly 2 years because of opening myself up to her after her criticizing me for not doing so, and then her complete lack of reply after. I keep thinking of all the times my mom criticized me and said how I shouldn't have more than one dog, should rehome one of the dogs.... And thinking she'll be "happy" now that I've only got one dog. And I've been criticized by other family members saying similar in the past couple years because I've been struggling. 

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. Its still pretty early in the morning so my head is just reeling still and I don't know who to talk to.


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## KZoppa (Aug 14, 2010)

Lin, I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss of Tessa. I know it's hard. I don't know what to tell you to help you wrap your mind around this though. I wish I did.


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## wolfstraum (May 2, 2003)

So sorry to hear this.....it's ok to ramble and be upset....I remember some of your old posts and know how much Tessa meant to you....

It sounds to me as if she had hemangiosarcoma...they often have episodes like you describe, when there is a small bleed and then recover....I know of quite a few dogs recently with this same history - one vet even diagonsed constipation on a dog 2 or 3 times when it was hemangio on a friends dog.....when this started happening to Kougar last spring, I knew what was going on, and after a 2 day spell and then he started to feel better, I let him go, knowing a more major bleed was imminent. His mother, grandmother, litter sister, half brother and a slew of other related dogs had hemangio.... another friend and board member just lost a 15 year old and it was probably a similar thing. but there is NOTHING you can do for hemangio....nothing! Do not beat yourself up!

Take comfort in knowing it is not a painful end, it is just tiredness and lethargy....they go quietly and she was where she wanted to be - by your side....

:rip: Tessa


<<<hugs>>>

Lee


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## Shade (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm so sorry for your loss :hugs: RIP Tessa


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## Jelpy (Nov 8, 2009)

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like Tessa's end was quick and relatively painless. You need to block out your Mom and the other people who take a mean spirited joy in harassing you. What is important is the love you had for Tessa and she had for you. If ANYONE hassles you then just point out that you neither asked for nor cared about their opinion. 

Right now Just give yourself some time to grieve for Tessa and don't pressure yourself to make an instant decision on how to bury her. 


Jelpy


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## GSDolch (May 15, 2006)

Oh Lin I am so so sorry.  *hugs*


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## sitstay (Jan 20, 2003)

I am sorry for your loss. I remember when I lost Jackson so suddenly. It was a very confusing time. 
Sheilah


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

Oh Lin I'm SO, SO sorry. I'll be back to say more, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you, but short on time this morning. (((Big hug))).


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## Sp00ks (Nov 8, 2013)

So sorry for your loss. Sounds like Tessa had a good life and like Wolfstraum said, she was where she wanted to be. 

Don't beat yourself up, sounds like there was nothing you could have done. We lost ours at almost 9, the youngest ever. I beat myself up for a month or more thinking there was something I could have done. Now I've come to realize, she had a good life and was happy. Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome.


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## Loneforce (Feb 12, 2012)

I am sorry for your loss of Tessa  I think you are doing the best thing, by not holding it in and talking about it. You are among friends here.


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## Lilie (Feb 3, 2010)

Lin, I am so sorry to hear of Tessa's passing. You are in my thoughts.


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## misslesleedavis1 (Dec 5, 2013)

I am sorry for your loss, take a deep breath and take it one step at a time...big hugs


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## shepherdmom (Dec 24, 2011)

So sorry for your loss!


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## arycrest (Feb 28, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss!!!


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## LUV4MAJOR (Sep 11, 2013)

I am so sorry for your loss.. My heart breaks for you.


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## MyHans-someBoy (Feb 23, 2013)

There was nothing you could have done to save her, so please stop feeling guilty. She was so lucky to have such a caring owner.

Years ago my white rescue kitty was asleep in bed by my husband while I was lying on the couch reading a book.
All of a sudden I became aware of an odd, loud breathing pattern that reminded me of the sound of someone breathing with the help of a ventilator. I rushed up to the bedroom just in time to witness my kitty taking a last breath. He went THAT quickly and had not given one tiny little sign that he was ill. He and my Siamese usually played hard in the evenings and that evening had been no exception. The vet guessed he may have thrown a clot.

Sometimes there just are not definite signs of illness. All animals, like us, feel bad from time to time for whatever reason and continue to be fine for years. 

My heart goes out to you. I would be a mess too. Cut yourself some slack and know that you absolutely did not let her down. Take care...


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## LaRen616 (Mar 4, 2010)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Daisy&Lucky's Mom (Apr 24, 2011)

Lin I am so sorry for myour loss of Tessa.You reacted w/ care and concern and did all that wa spossible. I know that right its hard to see that. the forum helped get through our loss. Please take care sending thoughts and prayers for you.
Maggi


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## Wolfgeist (Dec 4, 2010)

I am so, so sorry for your loss... not sure if it is of any comfort, but she was one of the lucky ones to pass in her sleep, warm in her bed, close to you, in her own home.. I hope the same thing happens with my dogs some day...


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## mssandslinger (Sep 21, 2010)

Im so sorry for your loss!!! You did all you could


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## NancyJ (Jun 15, 2003)

Everything does sound like hemangiosarcoma including the getting sick then getting better a few weeks before. Please take comfort that there is not much you could have done for her anyway and she was near you when she went in her sleep.


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## Blanketback (Apr 27, 2012)

Lin, I normally stay away from these threads because my heart still aches so badly from the loss of my previous GSD. Losing him still makes me cry, even though I have a great little guy here...it's just awful to lose them...

Please don't be so hard on yourself. I know exactly where you're coming from though. I've lost 3 GSDs and I always blame myself, somehow. My last wonderful boy was in surgery to remove a growth on his spleen, and I was waiting for him there, so my vet was able to ask my permission to PTS on the table when he saw his liver was totally gone to cancer. I was a mess, because I never got to say goodbye. I was cheerful for his sake, just a "Hey buddy, you'll be back with me soon" kind of thing. I was in hysterics when they asked me if I wanted the ashes. I remember yelling at my DH because he has the ashes from all his dogs, and I was saying, "NO! I want my DOG back, not his ashes!" It was terrible. 

My GSD previous to him had squamous (sp?) cell carcinoma, and my vet at the time said it was inoperable. I looked all over the 'net to see if this was true. Some people did seem to have added time to their dogs lives, but not in a way that I would have wanted for my sweet boy. It was awful, but I had to PTS to let him be free from his suffering. I wish he has gone peacefully at home, by my side, but I couldn't watch him suffer. He wasn't eating, and the prednisone only masked his symptoms.

My first sweetheart died in my arms. I knew something was off, and I had a vet appointment booked, but it happened suddenly. I blamed it on bloat at the time, and I was really hard on myself for letting it happen, but now with the 'net, seeing what other people are saying about hemangio, I believe that was it. I think he had a bleed that took him - he was acting just like other dogs do - fine, then not, tired, then not....that was truly the worst time of my life. 

Please focus on how much love you shared, and what a great life you had together. It's the only way to let the love stay pure in your heart. It sounds weird to put it like that, but if you blame yourself or think about the cruel comments, then you're not thinking about what a tremendous gift your darling was. 

I hope my post can make your suffering a little less. I have tears streaming down my face, reliving my hurt and knowing how much you hurt right now. Tons of huge hugs to help get you through this very tough time!


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## Jax08 (Feb 13, 2009)

:hugs:I am so very very sorry. Please do not beat yourself up. You have always loved her and did what you thought was best for her. Some things are beyond our control.


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## Cassidy's Mom (Mar 30, 2003)

I'm so sorry, Lin.  As sudden and shocking as her passing was for you, it sounded like it was peaceful for her. I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that she didn't suffer and that there was nothing you could have done to save her.


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## Lin (Jul 3, 2007)

Thank you so much everyone. At some point I'll probably try to reply specifically to what some people have said. 

I've pretty much been crying all day, trying not to because my head hurts so much from it. And now dealing with what to do next... My one roommate started trying to dig, he said the problem was hitting clay but I think the ground is probably frozen. Another roommate is being a total $#%^$&^%@#$%. Unfortunately he's the one that owns the house. He really doesn't care about animals. He wants me to use the cheap deceased animal "disposal" service, and said I should shave off some of her fur if I want to keep something. Thank god it was my other roommate relating the message and not something he said to me directly. Its not about keeping a part of her, I know she's gone. I removed her collar and will keep that as I did with Logan's. Its about treating her with the respect she deserves. She was my dog, she was my family, my only family much of the time, my partner, my lifeline, my other half. She hadn't been working full time any longer as my service dog, but I have no idea how I'm going to cope without her. I depended on her for so much.


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## asja (Mar 22, 2011)

I'm so sorry to hear about Tessa. It's very hard to lose our loving dogs. I also think it sounds like hemangiosarcoma. One of my dogs passed away from that. 

Have you thought about having her cremated? You could ask your vet, or look in the phone book. 
Again, I'm so sorry. No one wants to deal with this. When my dogs were old and sick, I always thought, one more day, not today, tomorrow. And then you hope that tomorrow never comes.


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## Lin (Jul 3, 2007)

That's what I want, cremation. But it's so expensive. I'm trying to find a place I can afford, I'll spend every dime I have if I need to. But still need to find one low enough to afford.


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## Zeeva (Aug 10, 2010)

I was listening to Luke Bryan's 'drink a beer' when I read this post...silly of me to tell you...

Anyway, I wish you strength during this confusing and mournful time. I think that Tessa went peacefully at home in her bed in her sleep and that should be some comfort to you...? Know that there was nothing you could do and I hope that you find some clarity in that. 

Remember the good times...

Forgive me if this post makes you angry...hopefully at some point it'll all make sense...


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## Lin (Jul 3, 2007)

Thank you again everyone, I do want to reply specifically to some posts when I can and I really appreciate what everyone has said. 

I finally found a place for cremation. I spent everything I had (wasn't a lot, I've spent a bunch due to the time of year and investing in supplies for the items I make and sell) but I'd have spent 100x more if I had it. I had been planning on spending that money on vet appts/any treatment needed anyway. The place was very nice, definitely dog people with 5 dogs belonging to employees running around the place. The cremains come in a closed bag inside a cardboard 'tube' that has a background of flowers and pictures of dogs on it. It will be very nice for now. They're also getting me a paw print imprint at no additional charge.


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## Stevenzachsmom (Mar 3, 2008)

Lin, I am so very sorry for your loss of Tessa. Like others have already said, "There was nothing you could do." It sounds very much like Tessa went on her own terms. She was by your side, which must have given her great comfort. She appears to have gone peacefully. It is never easy to lose them, whether it is sudden, or prolonged. My heart just aches for you. Know that all of us will be here for you, anytime you need a shoulder.

Sending really big hugs!


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

I am sorry Lin. 

I agree it sounds like hemangio, and there wasn't anything you could have done. In fact, maybe she was saved some poking etc. She went to sleep next to her best person and she passed quietly. 

It doesn't make it easier to lose them, but it does too in time. We love them so much. What is left is the shell. The spirit is gone. But I can understand wanting to cremate her. I hope you find a decent place that is reasonable. My vet has a deal with the local funeral parlor that has a crematorium. 

Anyhow, I am really sorry. I know this is an awful thing to go through.


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## Lin (Jul 3, 2007)

Thanks. When I first found her, I kept stroking her head and ears for a long time as I sobbed. I went to see her one last time before we left and it was too painful to see the empty shell of what she was. It was similar when Logan passed, I held his head in my lap for the longest time stroking him but when he started to stiffen up I couldn't anymore. 

I know her body isn't her... But her body is whats left behind in this world and I needed to show her the love and respect she deserved. I was ok with burial, Logan was buried. But I couldn't just have her thrown in somewhere in a pile of other pets and the ashes dumped somewhere. I needed to know exactly where she ended up.


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## JanaeUlva (Feb 5, 2011)

wolfstraum said:


> Take comfort in knowing it is not a painful end, it is just tiredness and lethargy....they go quietly and she was where she wanted to be - by your side....
> 
> :rip: Tessa
> 
> ...


Totally agree with Lee. RIP Tessa
Feel better Lin.


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## onyx'girl (May 18, 2007)

So sorry for your loss, Lin. Tessa didn't suffer, take comfort in the memories....I wish you peace in the coming days. 
Run Free Tessa.


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## dogsnkiddos (Jul 22, 2008)

I am truly so sorry for your loss.


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## trcy (Mar 1, 2013)

I'm so sorry for your loss. (hugs)


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## Renofan2 (Aug 27, 2010)

I am very sorry for your loss. Sounds a lot like a mass of some sort. I lost 2 gsds (one in Jan 2012) and her daughter in July 2013, one at 11 and one at 10. Both had signs a few weeks before they declined - wouldn't eat, stomach upset and constipation. Xrays showed a mass in their abdominal region, biopsies and blood tests. For Libby biopsy was inconclusive, however Falon's came back histiocarcoma. She went into kidney failure by the time I met with the oncologist. Libby bled from her rectum before we could determine what she had. I had to put both to sleep and I still cry over the decision to put Libby down before the vet could determine what happened but my heart was telling me she was suffering and would be gone in days. You did right by her, and I can tell you that even me getting both of my dogs to the vet right away, did not change the outcome. Very sorry for your loss.


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## middleofnowhere (Dec 20, 2000)

The sudden losses seem hardest in some respects but they are all hard. She was loved, she was fortunate to choose such a good home. Grieve however it works for you. If screaming about your mother's callousness helps, do it. 
I think most of us face the frustration of wondering what we should have done differently when a pet dies. The sorrow and self-doubt we face when they die seems to be the price we pay for the delight of their companionship in their life.

I've burried dogs (3) and cremated others. Sometimes the ground is too hard or the circumstance is wrong for burrial. Sometimes I couldn't afford cremation. I've paid between $90 and $165 for cremation. If you call your vet, they may be able to point you to some services.


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## trcy (Mar 1, 2013)

Renofan2 said:


> You did right by her, and I can tell you that even me getting both of my dogs to the vet right away, did not change the outcome. Very sorry for your loss.


I agree with this. Don't beat yourself up over not going to the vet. I got Riley to the vet right away and we still lost him. He would have been happier to have passed at home like your dog did. It's hard losing them. It's been almost 4 months and I still grieve over Riley. (hugs)


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## dogfaeries (Feb 22, 2010)

I'm so sorry, Lin, about your Tessa. I didn't want to open up this thread and read it. I lost my dobe Tessa 4 years ago, to what was probably hemangiosarcoma. Same thing. I'm so sorry.


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## BowWowMeow (May 7, 2007)

I'm so sorry, Lin. Same thing happened with two of my dogs and it was hemangiosarcoma. Very sudden and shocking especially with my Basu who was fine and then not.


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## huntergreen (Jun 28, 2012)

very sorry. . doubtful there was anything that would have saved her.


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## Chicagocanine (Aug 7, 2008)

I'm so sorry to hear about Tessa. I cried when I read your post, it reminded me of losing Bianca's last year. It does sound like it could have been hemangiosarcoma. Most times by the time a dog shows symptoms of hemangiosarcoma, it is already advanced or spread and many dogs show no obvious symptoms so please don't think you failed her. Even if it is diagnosed it is often too late to do much. 
If you need someone to talk to remember we are here, I know it can be hard when there isn't anyone near you who really understands the difficulty of losing a dog. If you want to also please feel free to PM me too.


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## Angelina03 (Jan 9, 2012)

I'm so, so sorry for your loss...I'm glad you found a place you can afford for cremation...My heart aches for you...


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## Stosh (Jun 26, 2010)

I'm so sorry you lost her. There aren't enough tears. I know you'll always wonder what you could have done but you did the best thing for her- you loved her and gave her a wonderful life. All dogs should be so lucky.


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## readaboutdogs (Jul 8, 2001)

I'm so sorry for your loss of Tessa. I'm glad you were able to have the cremation, it gives me comfort that I have Cody and Clipper inside with me. I think that you put down a cushion and blanket for her was showing how much you were still concerned for her comfort, and your love for her. I know mine were my "bridge" in this old world, even though it's been nearly a year and a half since I lost Cody, I still can still cry buckets for him. Take care.


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## Brando & Julietta's Dad (Dec 14, 2013)

So sorry for your loss. You gave Tessa a wonderful life. Its never easy in the end. RIP sweet Tessa..


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## pyratemom (Jan 10, 2011)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how much you must have loved her. She passed in her sleep most likely and was without pain. She knew you loved her, of that I'm sure. One day on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge she will be waiting for you. In the meantime, take care, take time to grieve your loss as much as you need to. It's harder now so close to the holidays when everyone else is happy but maybe you could make a special ornament for her to remember her life. I'm glad you were able to do the cremation. I still have Pyrate's ashes in the box, next to my chair, and when my husband isn't looking sometimes I sit with the box in my lap and think of Pyrate. I have a small box of his baby teeth and a tuft of his hair and that helps me to touch him again. He will always own a piece of my heart as I'm sure your girl will. Sometimes there just isn't anything we can do but grieve and move on. Take your time. Everyone grieves differently. Hugs to you during this tough time. :hugs:


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## Kayos and Havoc (Oct 17, 2002)

Oh Lin I am so sorry! I do agree it sounds like Hemangio, which is very hard to catch early. I lost a dog to this too and it was very fast. Tessa is in a good place and she knows she was loved. 


Hugs.


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