# a couple questions about the grieving process



## Bridget (Apr 5, 2004)

It has been twelve days since Heidi passed and I think I am doing ok. I occasionally have a few moments that I am not thinking about Heidi. Then I feel guilty and find myself deliberately pulling my thoughts back to her. Is that normal? I think I am holding on to my grief because I am afraid if I let go of it, I will let go of Heidi. I am afraid that some day I will wake up and not be able to remember exactly what she looked like, or the feel of her fur or her smell. And if I lose memory of Heidi, I will be completely lost. So I am wondering if others have had that fear or is it peculiar to me? Will there come a time that I won't remember how she was? I couldn't take that.


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## Debanneball (Aug 28, 2014)

For the rest of your life, you WILL remember Heidi, you will smile every time you think of her. Sure, right now, her loss is new, but there will be a day, and all of a sudden you will say to yourself, 'Heidi....', you will realize its been a while since you thought of her.. Heidi is always with you, will remain in your heat forever.


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## Castlemaid (Jun 29, 2006)

I think that is a normal grieving process. When it comes to Grief, there is no "normal" and "not normal". Everyone has to deal with their grief in a personal way. 

As someone who put a beloved dog down 10 years ago, I can tell you that the memories don't fade, but the love you feel for the departed dog is as bright and real as when the dog was still with you. Even if you are not actively remembering or thinking about your Heidi, she will never leave you.


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## zx5go (Jan 7, 2015)

I don't think what you're feeling is out of the ordinary. We lost Bullet on the 5th and it is a rollercoaster of emotions. The fact that you ask the question and are concerned about forgeting items about Heidi tells me you'll never forget her and you'll probably find yourself recalling things about her that you hadn't thought about in years.


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## Shade (Feb 20, 2012)

You never forget, the memories may dim but they'll never disappear. When I really want to remember I trigger memories - I go somewhere that is special, I look at something that used to belong to them, or watch videos and look at photos. 

I don't believe our loved ones ever truly leave us because their memory is alive in our hearts.

For instance one of my grandfather's passed away in April 2003, so almost 12 years ago. We were very close and his loss was devestating to not only me but our family, I remember his voice - it's not as clear as it used to be but his mannerisms and the way he spoke has stuck with me. There are still random times I see someone or hear or smell something that reminds me of him and it comes flooding back.


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## Mister C (Jan 14, 2014)

Shade said:


> ...
> I don't believe our loved ones ever truly leave us because their memory is alive in our hearts.


I agree with this sentiment. 

I would also add that you will never forget a being as cherished as Heidi was to you. It's important to let yourself grieve for a while. At first, my mind kept dragging me back to Maddie's death bed scene. I played it over and over in my mind. Then I forced myself to focus on the good times, the happy moments and why I loved Maddie so much.

One of the things we do with our departed pets is to seal up some bedding in a plastic bag. Smell is a powerful memory trigger. When I find myself thinking about a lost pet I will unseal the bag and take a good whiff. It's like being transported back in time. Things I thought I had forgetten come rushing back. 

There are also the little things in life that remind you of your loved one: the special path in the park, the bush next door she loved to smell every day, the way she would yell at all the crows that dared to come near her, the way she would look at me when she wanted something... The memories are ALWAYS there...trust me. 

Sorry, have to go now. There is something in my eye.


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## SuperG (May 11, 2013)

Bridget said:


> I think I am holding on to my grief because I am afraid if I let go of it, I will let go of Heidi.


Let the wonderful memories of your sweet Heidi replace the grief you feel today....it doesn't happen overnight but when it does start to happen, you will be keeping Heidi alive in your heart with good memories just as much as you think you need to hold onto the grief to keep her alive in your heart. I'd be a liar to suggest that there are no longer any times where some sad memories of my last girl don't creep into my mind...she's been gone for over a couple years now and the memories of having to say "goodbye" still make sad but I guess in my sadness I end up smiling as it just reminds me of how wonderful she was to effect me in such a strong way....at least let the good memories accompany the difficult memories and times.


Take care,

SuperG


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## GatorBytes (Jul 16, 2012)

Death leaves a pain that no one can heal,
Love holds a memory no one can steal


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## Daisy&Lucky's Mom (Apr 24, 2011)

You will never forget .The difference is more and more the memories will bring smiles ,laughter sometimes mixed w/ tears. I think of Daisy often and in fact her maxin and relaxin picture is on my desktop at work. Couldn't have done that the first year. I think when you share your life w/ a companion who is there for all these parts of your daily life that these beloved creatures share w/ us it is one huge loss. Grieving their loss is a process that circles back at times and then lurches forward.Whatever you do that helps you grieve then thats what is normal for you. Although I think you will see here in this thread those feeling your having are what many of us who have lost our companions also feel. Take care sending hugs and thoughts 
Maggi


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## sehrgutcsg (Feb 7, 2014)

I doubt my words will be much help, but here goes. "Your pet is gone. Gone after a lifetime of love and devotion from both sides. A love that will not fade, a love that will not ever be surpassed. Allow the process to take hold of you and kill your joy, then the memory will either fade faster or never fade at all."

Yeah, I cried too, but my life has soo many important things to accomplish I understand the Universe is counting on my work to cure the evil and help the sick I just don't have enough time left to grieve much more, my tears are gone..


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## wolfy dog (Aug 1, 2012)

The fact that you sometimes do not think of her consciously, means that you are working through your grief and doing well. You would be unable to live well if you had to think of her constantly. It doesn't mean that you have forgotten. You never forget the dogs that have passed. Your heart has an endless capacity for holding all these dear souls. Think of how Heidi would care about you now. She'd be worried if you were sad all the time. I believe they stick around in some other dimension because the love between us and our dogs is too strong to be broken up by death.


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## Mary Jane (Mar 3, 2006)

I fully respect each person's experience of grief after loss of their beloved GSD. You never questioned that you loved Heidi while she was with you, don't question the strength of that bond now. I do hope that you find comfort in remembering your years with your girl.


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## pyratemom (Jan 10, 2011)

What you are experiencing is grief. It comes in many forms. Sometimes I can go a whole couple days without thinking of Pyrate now after more than two and a half years. I still tear up at his photos I have every where if I sit and think about his loss. I try to remember the happy times and go places where I know he was happy. I don't cry every day, but whenever someone loses a fur baby I cry with them because I know how much it hurts. I kept a piece of his fur and his baby teeth so I can still touch his fur if I need to but mostly I keep that put away. Heidi is waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge and one day you will be together again. In the meanwhile, you can love her and keep her in your heart.


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## Henrik Meurke (Jan 21, 2015)

I just my companion of 10 years.. It really shocked me, even if I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. It is hard but eventually you will get over it, however the memory will still be there.


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## Bridget (Apr 5, 2004)

Thanks everyone. Maybe I'm not too abnormal then. Had a conversation with my daughter that seemed beneficial. I was telling her how much extra time I have now that I'm not fussing with Heidi's meds, shifting dogs (she didn't get along with our foster), dealing with the feeding, etc. Then I hastened to add that I didn't mind those things, that I really enjoyed them. She said "Mom, it's ok to be glad. BE GLAD about what there is to be glad about!"


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## Lilie (Feb 3, 2010)

Bridget said:


> She said "Mom, it's ok to be glad. BE GLAD about what there is to be glad about!"


Your daughter sounds very wise, indeed!


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## DutchKarin (Nov 23, 2013)

As a therapist, I will summarize healthy grieving this way:
1. Feel the loss.
2. Feel the pain of loss.
3. Adapt to life without the loved one.
4. Reinvest in your life that includes expressing the gifts you received from the one who has passed. They changed your life in good ways, let that be expressed.

I think it is very important to go through these stages but it is equally important that you know, it is a very unique process. No two people grieve the same. And that is perfectly okay. 

Kindest regards.


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## Bridget (Apr 5, 2004)

Thanks Karin. Good advice to think about. 

Mr. C., I wish I had thought about putting the blanket that she rode to the vet with in a bag. The scent on it was bothering my lab so much that I washed it. Your sentiments always make my life easier though. 

I hope when I get through this I can be as much help to others as you have all been to me. Heidi and I were awfully lucky to have been given so many good years together. I have nothing to complain about, even though I miss her so.


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