# Thor died last night.....



## Hatterasser

My beloved Thor died last night. He was not feeling well and was vomiting white mushy stuff and whimpering. I gave him some stomach easers thinking that as usual he was having one of his upset tummy nights, something he had on and off for years. He was resting quietly when I went to bed but when I woke this morning, he was lying there....gone. Freya was laying at his side. 

I don't know what took him though I went online this morning to look up his symptoms. In hindsight, as best as I can determine, he may have had a case of bloat, though none of the usual causes applied with the exception of "stress"....Thor has always been an easily stressed pupper. I had thought of calling the vet last night when he was in the middle of his discomfort but aside from the hour and half drive up the beach to the vet's, there was the cost of both the vet and the gas to consider, neither of which I had enough money to cover. Then when he settled down, I thought, 'okay, if he's still uncomfortable in the morning, I'll call then, regardless of the cost'. I hated seeing him feeling so miserable. 

Morning never came for Thor. I am filled with sorrow... and guilt. I feel I should have known, should have taken him whether he had settled down or not. 

I loved Thor, though perhaps I was the only one who did. He was a troubled dog, full of issues dating back to his tragic puppyhood. But I cared for him, protected him, watched over him and gave him all the love I could give. And he loved me, was loyal and devoted to me, in return, knowing that he was safe with me. But I let him down. I failed him. Whether by ignorance of what was happening, or worrying too much about money, whatever....I failed him. And he died. 

I don't know how to recover from this. I will have to keep going for Freya's sake. She is bereft and lost, wandering around the house, looking for Thor, looking at me with questioning eyes. We buried Thor on high ground in the yard, overlooking the pond. There are other loved pets there who will guide him across the bridge but he shouldn't have had to be there so soon. He was only 8 years old. 

R.I.P. Thor, and please forgive me. I did love you so......but I let you down in the end.


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## crisp

So sorry.


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## robinhuerta

Diane,
You did not let Thor down...you should stop feeling guilt.
We (most of us) are not Vets, and we aren't visioners of ones future either......
If we ran to an emergency clinic or vets office every time one of our dogs displayed any sign of illness...we would/could be there 24/7.
Bloat kills quickly & many times silently....
The horrific devil (bloat) takes many dear friends......
RIP Thor.
With sincere sympathy,
Robin


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## Samba

So sorry to hear of your loss of Thor.:hugs:


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## onyx'girl

I remember Thor's story and he was lucky to have you as his companion Diane. :hugs:
May he rest in peace.


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## 1sttimeforgsd

So sorry for your loss of Thor, I will be praying that you will be able to find some solace in your loss.:angel:


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## Caitydid255

:hugs:I am terribly sorry about the loss of Thor.:hugs:


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## sagelfn

I am so sorry Diane :hugs:

:rip: Thor


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## MrsMiaW

I am so sorry for your loss. 

I too lost a dog to bloat/GDV. It is heartbreaking. Please do not blame yourself. 

Hugs to both you and Freya.


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## elisabeth_00117

I am so very sorry to hear about the passing of Thor... do not feel guilty, you provided him with a safe, happy, loving home..


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## smdaigle

So sorry about Thor. I know first hand how hard it is when a dog goes down so quickly and unexpectedly like that. It sounds like you gave him a good life so please don't beat yourself up about it. My best to you and Freya.


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## JakodaCD OA

I am so very very sorry Don't blame yourself, you have gone above and beyond for him, I KNOW if you knew he was ill, you would have done something immediately,,i'ts not your fault.

I also know Thor loved you as much as you loved him, be strong for Freya, and hugs to you all.


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## Kayos and Havoc

Thor was a lucky dog and had a great life with you. You cannot run to the vet with everything. I would have acted as you did as well. 

I am so sorry!


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## Daydreamer

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## LJsMom

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## ZAYDA

I am so sorry for your loss. I really don't think your baby died from bloat because if it was bloat he would have been bothering you all night and you would have seen the signs even if it would have been to late to help him the signs of bloat would have let you know what it was.

We can only do our best for our beloved pets and you did that. God bless.


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## GSDLoverII

I am so sorry!
Rest in Peace Thor :rip:


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## JudynRich

I am so sorry about your loss. You can Freya can be a source of comfort to each other as you grieve.


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## Good_Karma

My condolences on your loss. And remember that hindsight is 20/20. We cannot see the future nor predict it. You made the decision based on the information you had at the time. Beating yourself up will not help matters, or make you feel better. Accept the loss, and rejoice in the time you had with him, and know that he's at peace now.


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## Hatterasser

Thank you all for your condolences and understanding. I know some of you know what a problem child my boy was. I spoke to Animal Control at the SPCA/Manteo today as I received my annual letter today reminding me that he was labeled a "potentially dangerous dog" and to let them know if he found another home, etc. I called Rich and although he was very gentle, he said I had probably worked harder to save Thor (as much from himself as anything) than anyone else would have. Most would have put him down due to his aggression issues long ago but that I had loved him, and gave him a happy life with me. I cried so hard because it was as though he was telling me not to feel badly, Thor had been a happy boy and well loved, and he knew it. And if anyone would know, it sure was Animal Control, who knew Thor on a first name basis.



ZAYDA said:


> I am so sorry for your loss. I really don't think your baby died from bloat because if it was bloat he would have been bothering you all night and you would have seen the signs even if it would have been to late to help him the signs of bloat would have let you know what it was.
> 
> We can only do our best for our beloved pets and you did that. God bless.


Zayda....I might have recognized it as bloat if I had ever seen a case before but I hadn't. In all the years my family has owned dogs, we've never had a dog with bloat before. And Thor had a touchy tummy at the best of times. He was often either vomiting or having diarrhea so the only thing that seemed a bit different was that he was whimpering now and then....just so uncomfortable. I had no idea he was in pain or suffering as badly as he obviously was. 

I spoke to my vet today and they said that even had I brought him up last night, the delay of treatment just due to the long drive to get there would probably have caused the same ending. Bloat is something that needs to be handled as quickly as possible, not two or three hours later. By then it's usually too late. That is probably why he "seemed" to be settling down for the night. In actuality, his entire system was shutting down.

It's a good lesson to all dog owners, esp. deep chested dogs like German Shepherds. Familiarize yourselves with bloat...what it looks like, how the dog behaves, why it's different from what might seem a 'usual tummy upset', etc. It is known to be one of the top killers of dogs and it takes such a short time to do it...you have very little time to spare.

I just wish it was a lesson I hadn't had to learn in such a horrendous way. I miss him, even with his issues, he was such a wuss, such a big baby, here at home with Freya and me.


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## lisgje

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost Shane from bloat which was caused by sudden weight loss due to his Adrenal cancer. Please don't feel guilty. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Again, so sorry.


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## ZAYDA

I just know that bloat caused my dog 's breath to smelly really really wrong and you didn't have to get close to smell it. His stomach bloated also to where you could defiantly notice. I also know that my dog could not just lay down he was up walking around and uncomfortable.

I am not a vett so of course it could have been bloat but that was just my experience with bloat. Again God's speed


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## vat

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## GSDBESTK9

I'm so sorry for your loss.  May he rest in peace.


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## BlackPuppy

I'm so sorry.


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## EMarie59

Awww, I am so sorry Diane.


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## Runswithdogs

I am so sorry for your loss. He is in a better place now, and at least his last moments were at home with his people instead of at a vet's office. It sounds like he was lucky to have had such a loving home.


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## Wolfiesmom

I am so very sorry you lost your beloved Thor. You did what you could for him, and that's all anyone can do. Dont beat yourself up about it.


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## Sunstreaked

My best wishes for you during this time. Nothing ever prepares us for the loss of those we love.


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## Stosh

I'm so very sorry. May the demons that plagued him in life be his angels now.


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## Deuce

I'm really sorry for your loss. Hang in there.


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## KJandBravo

I am very sorry for your loss. My goodness, when you describe his symptoms, that sounds like every other week at my house. That's bloat? It's so subtle. Don't blame yourself. Please take consolation in the fact that he passed at home, presumably on his comfy bed, with his best buddy at his side, knowing he was loved.


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## Stevenzachsmom

Diane, I am so very sorry for you loss. I understand the guilt. I think that is part of being a loving pet owner. We are darned if we do and darned if we don't. There have been times I have taken a pet to the Pet ER, only to have them die anyway. Those pets spent their last moments on earth being poked and prodded, afraid and alone. Thinking of them now - I wish they had died at home. One dog had many health problems. The emergency vet could not save her. I said, "Maybe if I had gotten her here sooner." The vet shook her head and said it would not have mattered. 

Taking Thor to the vet may have changed nothing - except for the huge bill you would have been stuck with. I think it was just Thor's time and I think he went the way he wanted to go. There are worse things than taking your last breath next to your best friend. 

Thor was very lucky to have you. I hope you can find peace in knowing how much of a difference you made in his life.

Hugs,
Jan


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## onyx'girl

Hatterasser said:


> Thank you all for your condolences and understanding. I know some of you know what a problem child my boy was. I spoke to Animal Control at the SPCA/Manteo today as I received my annual letter today reminding me that he was labeled a "potentially dangerous dog" and to let them know if he found another home, etc. I called Rich and although he was very gentle, he said I had probably worked harder to save Thor (as much from himself as anything) than anyone else would have. Most would have put him down due to his aggression issues long ago but that I had loved him, and gave him a happy life with me. I cried so hard because it was as though he was telling me not to feel badly, Thor had been a happy boy and well loved, and he knew it. And if anyone would know, it sure was Animal Control, who knew Thor on a first name basis.
> 
> I miss him, even with his issues, he was such a wuss, such a big baby, here at home with Freya and me.


Diane, I hope Thor is at peace, in his mind and body. And Rich is right, he knew Thor and his issues, the fact that you didn't give up on him says so much about who Thor was and your commitment to him.
Don't beat yourself up for his ending, think about the life you gave him that few others would have.


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## RebelGSD

I am so sorry, we know how much you loved Thor, you stood by him in all the difficult times.

As to bloat, with an hour and a half drive it would have probably been too late.
I lost one foster to bloat recently. I immediately recognized it. I tried to get the gas-x into her, but she fought it so hard that I could not get her to swallow it. I was at the ER within 30 minutes and her stomach has twisted already. They quoted me $3500-$5000 for the surgery. Her chances with surgery were slim. Even if she survived the surgery, 50% of those will die the first day after surgery because of the toxins released into the bloodstream cause arhythmia and stop the heart. Thor was an older dog and withe an hour and a half of driving he would probably had sustained too much damage to survive the surgery. Bloat is a terrible killer. I am so sorry.

RIP Thor, you will be missed.


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## selzer

I am so sorry. Thor had a good life with you and in the end, you did what you thought was the best thing, and it probably was. Maybe IF it was bloat, and IF you did rush him to an ER, and IF they did diagnose correctly, and treat properly, and IF he did recover, well maybe he would have a few more months or years. But there are way too many 'ifs' there to make that judgement call. And know way to know for sure that those next few months would be good ones.

Bloat is a terrible thing. 

Odessa had white foamy vomit on January first, and I rushed her to the ER. It was not bloat. She had gas in there, but it was not bloating. The ER did nothing but take an x-ray and bloodwork, (and an ultrasound that they did not charge me for) and charged me $600. 

So, please do not beat yourself up on this. We make judgment calls when we see our dog acting different than usual, sometimes we take them in, sometimes not.


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## Helios

So sorry for your loss. Rest in peace thor:angel:


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## missmychance

I'm really sorry for your loss of Thor. I lost my Chance 3 yrs ago due to unknown causes and it still hurts today to think about it. Please don't feel like you didn't do enough. You provided him a home and loved him. I'm glad you have Freya to help you get thru this. I'm sorry


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## Whitedog404

I'm so terribly sorry for your lose. Sounds as if you gave Thor a loving home, please don't feel guilty.


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## Hatterasser

I can't thank you all enough for all the hugs, kind words and reassurances that I couldn't have done any more than I did. I thought of how many times Thor had had similar symptoms just because there were fireworks or thunder or he had to go out in the rain to do his business. He was sensitive to everything and the first place it affected was his tummy. Last night was no different except for the whimpering, which I didn't understand indicated that this tummy problem was different. God, I cannot believe I've never seen a case of bloat before in my 70 years. Sheesh, where have I been. But then, it may not have been bloat. It may have just been that his gentle heart gave out. 

And a gentle heart it was, regardless of the fear aggression he showed the rest of the world. To Freya and me his love and bonding was unconditional and all he wanted was to be with his 'mommy'. As long as I was there, he was happy. When I wasn't, he was lonely. Perhaps he was stressed because I had just come off a three day stretch of long hours and he missed me. I'll never know. All I know is that I gave him 7 years of warm beds, good meals, tons of squeaky toys and my (and Freya's) unconditional love...and he thrived happily in our home. 

He will be in my heart and thoughts always and I'll miss his head bumping me the minute I walked in the door every night, then sniffing every inch of me to see who I had been hanging around with besides him. *sad smile* Silly pupper. 

Thanks again for your support, you can't know how much it means today.


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## Remo

Please be easy on yourself - you gave him a wonderful and accepted and understood his issues with the rest of the world. He had you and Freya and that was all he needed. Bless your heart for being so good to him. 

He will watch over you from above now. Please accept my heartfelt condolences on his loss - I know, all too well, the pain of the German Shepherd shaped hole that they leave in your heart when you lose them. I hope he is playing with my Remo up at the Rainbow Bridge. 

Lea


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## GROVEBEAUTY

I'm so sorry. Don't blame yourself. Think of the good times you had together. I will be praying you find peace!


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## elsie

Diane and Freya,
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

sometimes we have to give them back, sometimes the Lord comes and takes them back. either way, we only have them for a season. we are blessed with this incredible gift of love they show us. all they ask in return is to be loved. like us, their bodies are only temporary. his shell is gone, but his spirit lives on. we had to give dylan back on monday. he looked confused when i told him he was going to go to heaven, he never heard me say he was going without us.... 
i have peace, i know where dylan's spirit is (though my heart aches). i hope you find peace, too, knowing that thor's spirit is also in a place too beautiful for description. may the Lord heal your heart in due time and carry you through this fire.


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## Nevaeh's Mom

awwwww...I'm so sorry...but do not place blame on yourself, he was loved, and that is the best gift you could have given him, I understand the protectiveness and the special bond with a dog that is viewed as a "different" dog. I have one too, I believe God gives them to those he trusts to love unconditionally....I think he just wanted him back...he is in paradise, having the time of his life...you will see him again...I wish you peace..


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## clearcreekranch

Hugs and prayers from Texas. Pleas don't beat yourself up.


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## Snickelfritz

I am so so sorry for your loss. It's not your fault:hug:


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## Hatterasser

I know Thor's there with Chance, Remo, Shane, Dylan, our own Ned, Seamus, Chan, and all the other beloved pets who have gone before. And let's not forget Shermie-bear, that wise old sage, now young and virile again. Can you not picture them all romping about in a green meadow, splashing in a cool creek, tugging at ropes and running about with balls and squeaky toys in their mouths...all with those great German Shepherd grins on their faces?

Something Stosh said..."May the demons that plagued him in life be his angels now. "....give me great comfort as I believe this to be true. Thanks, Stosh.

Today is better for me though Freya is still having problems. I have to practically drag her out to do her business as this was always great competition time for her and Thor...who was going to get out the door or hit the ground running first? Today she went out, then stood there at the top of the stairs with those sad questioning eyes of hers. I had to walk down the stairs with her as she wouldn't go by herself. I wish I knew what the dogs left behind are thinking. I suspect they grieve as we do but it's just as hard to figure out what they need as it is to figure that out for another human. She's always been a huggy poo kind of dog yet she seems to reject any effort on my part to hug her today and remains very standoffish...so unlike Freya. She has taken a brief interest in the foundling kitten but even that fades quickly and she just goes off and lays down somewhere. And food has always been her favorite thing of the day yet today I put down her bowl with the little treat hidden under the kibble (another game the two of them played) and she found the treat, ate the rest of her food, but with none of the joie de vivre that usually accompanies 'FOOD'. It's so sad to watch.


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## CassandGunnar

I also think the dogs grieve. Anyone who has lost one of a pack would agree, I think.
When we lost Ruger almost a year ago, Gunnar was exactly the same. Didn't want to eat, play or even go to the dog park. He would just lay on the floor, next to where Ruger's bed was and look miserable.
We went just over 3 weeks, and right or wrong, we adopted another dog. The girl that we rescued had also just lost her partner.[
It took them about 3 days to really start getting on and now they act like they've been friends forever.

Sometimes I think it's harder for the pet left behind because the understand their "sibling" better than we do.


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## Stosh

Poor Freya--seeing her so sad must make it harder for you. We all know this day will come but our dread of it makes it so difficult when it does come, especially so suddenly. You can take comfort in knowing Thor spent his last moments in his own bed surrounded by the love of his friend and family. Should all dogs be so lucky


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## Jessiewessie99

I am very sorry for your loss. Cherish the memories you had with him. 

Take care.:hugs::hugs:


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## Micky

so very sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you .....


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## Hatterasser

I'm not much of a picture taker, except during the days with "Ziggy", but I thought I'd put up some pictures of my big old wuss. You all should at least know who we're talking about.
When he first arrived on my doorstep, unsocialized, skinny and young (11mos.):








Meeting with Freya again when she first came home to join us:








Thor and Freya teaching my temporary foster, Milo, the art of 'sniffing':








Giving Ziggy a quick rubdown:








Learning to enjoy the sound with old Ned during his early days with us:








Sharing the window seat with Freya for a nap:








Thor was a great participant in the tradition of "Hatteras Nap Time" and is probably napping right now as it's that time of day. *grins*


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## Stosh

What a handsome boy! He certainly had a great life


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## Hatterasser

He was handsome, wasn't he? I always thought so too. Still do, come to think of it. *grins*


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## JakodaCD OA

a very handsome boy indeed


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## London's Mom

God Bless Thor. 
You did not let him down. You had no idea that he was ill. He has crossed the rainbow bridge and will be waiting for you down the road.


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## chicagojosh

You did great for Thor!!! don't feel guilty. you loved him with everything you had I'm sure of it.


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## Stevenzachsmom

He sure was beautiful. Very lucky boy to have had such a wonderful life with you. Thank you for giving that to him.


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## Jessiewessie99

He is handsome!


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## Crabtree

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thor had a great life with you. 
Rest in peace Thor.


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## hunterisgreat

Sorry for your loss 

My male got bloat the summer before last. At 5am. If Thor was able to throw up, as well as drink, it may have not been bloat, or could have been intestinal. My dog couldn't throw up anything despite trying desperately. None of the normal causes were applicable. Hadn't eaten in 12 hours, hadn't had any water, wasn't rough housing.. just sleeping on my bed. I got lucky in that he woke me up at 6am and his was twisted such that it looked like he swallowed a basketball from gas buildup. It was surreal and I think I did 100 to the vet. Had he looked normal and just been acting funny I may not have thought it was anything more than a stomach ache.

Don't beat yourself up. A good friends dog died from bloat (great dane) and he didn't know thats what was happening either. They operated, but it was too severe and he only made it one more day after surgery. That was 2 months prior to my experience and has a lot to do with my very fresh knowledge of bloat at the moment of truth for me. I helped take his dog home from the vet, and I helped take his dog back from the home a day later.

If you gave a troubled dog a good home then his life was undoubtably longer and better than any other path that was available to him


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## bellamia

so sorry for ur loss! pl. do not feel guilty. his time to go had come, nothing could have postponed it. atleast he went peacefully in his space knowing his people were around, instead of some cold vets table.


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## Hatterasser

*Thor died last week.......*

Thanks, Jessica, Sandra, Hunterisgreat and bellamia, 

It's been a week and a day and Freya and I are doing well. She has come out of her funk and can at least go to the bathroom without having me run down the stairs with her now. She and the foundling kitten are back to chasing each other about, though Snow2 went through a day or two of puzzlement when she would touch Freya's nose, then turn to take off only to have Freya stare at her then wander off uninterested. Snow2's kitty expression of "WTF?" was priceless. I'm glad though that she's here as she's been such a help for Freya. 

I don't think I ever mentioned here about finding her but anyway, just so you know who I'm talking about, here's a picture of Freya's little buddy:









I still miss Thor dreadfully and am wondering how long it will take to get past my grief. I love Freya but she's not Thor, if that makes sense. But once again, to all of you, thanks for all your support. It's helped so much.


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## JazzNScout

I'm so sorry. And, if it makes you feel any comfort, I think most of us question and second-guess ourselves after the fact.


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## sitstay

Oh, Diane...I just saw this. I am very sorry for your loss.
Sheilah


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## Jenni

So Sorry for you loss, sounds like you were a really good mommy to Thor!


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## CaliBoy

Diane:



> I love Freya but she's not Thor, if that makes sense.


It makes perfect sense. And sometimes the ones you have to put more work and energy into whipping into shape are the ones you grieve the most. 

I am so sorry you lost Thor.


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## lucy82

*So Sorry*

I know what it's like to lose a dog you loved even though the dog had issues. Just so you know, it's not your fault. You had planned to visit the vet the next morning. Just keep him in your heart. That's what I did to my lovely Carly, who had total kidney failure.


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## CHawkins

My heart aches for you. I am so sorry.


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## Hatterasser

CaliBoy said:


> .............And sometimes the ones you have to put more work and energy into whipping into shape are the ones you grieve the most.


This thought caught my mind and heart. For any who have read some of my previous posts regarding my 'bad boy', you know I had two dogs in one. With me, he was a big baby, a wuss, a soft hearted cuddle bug. To the rest of the world, he couldn't be trusted unless muzzled, chained, with me standing between him and everyone/everything else. He had become so bonded to me, that he saw everything as a potential threat .. to me .. and it was his job to hold them all back. He was that fearful of his environment if I was anywhere around. And yet, one day, when he slipped accidentally out of the house and trotted off to a burger shop on the corner where his buddy Frank worked, he spent half an hour meeting everyone that came, kissing and snuggling everyone before Frank brought him home. Frank couldn't understand why he was called a bad dog. I tried to explain that it was because I wasn't around to protect, so he could be his lovable self.

He was labeled as a dangerous dog .. by an animal control officer that had to keep pushing him away from slobbering all over her and trying to crawl into her lap. I can't think of anything that better describes what a contradiction he was. 

I know it was because I didn't realize when he first came to me that having been isolated for his entire puppyhood, chained to a six foot chain to a tree in the north forty, that I would need to spend way more time than I did trying to socialize him right from the beginning. I failed to understand and as a result he became the 'bad boy' he was known to throughout the neighborhood and to the a/c and sheriff's office. But here, at home, in the house, with just Freya, the cats and me, he was the sweetest, most loving, gentlest dog I've ever known. 

He has taught me so much .. about the breed specifically, about dealing with dogs with problems (physical and mental), about taking the bull by the horns and being proactive rather than reactive. With the knowledge I had early on, I did what I could for him and I know he was a happy dog here at home and for that I am grateful. He has been my mentor in dealing with GSD's and I know so much more now than I did. 

Sorry for the rambling .. I'm thinking and feeling out loud (so to speak). But I know if I become a regular foster keeper, I'll be much better at it because of Thor. In my opinion, he was one great dog. Still missing him terribly.


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## Hatterasser

I suspect that this will be my last post in this thread but I just had to voice what I'm feeling.

I miss Thor...every day in every way. I still have moments where I think of him as still being around. I'll be getting Freya's dinner and wondering for a moment where Thor's bowl is before I remember that it's been washed and put away. I open the door at night and wonder what he's up to that he hasn't come to greet me. It's not a senior moment..no, it's just that I sometimes refuse to admit in my heart that he's not here anymore.

But...............and once again I'm feeling oh so guilty and as though I'm somehow betraying him. It's ... the house ... it's so much more quiet and peaceful. There was an ongoing tension that's no longer here. I had no idea what a pressure he put on all of us here at home. Even as loving as he was, he also carried a lot of 'angst'. His brow was always furrowed. His kisses were always brief and quick before he backed away. There was always a tension, a watchfulness, in his movements, his attitude, his behavior. It's as though he was always expecting some disaster to strike. In hindsight, I realize he was never totally at ease, ever. 

Certainly not like Freya, who plays happily with Snow2 then lays down beside the kitten and naps peacefully... who greets me with a smile and a relatively mild bit of excitement but who is just as happy with Snow2...who seems to have not a moment of dis-ease but just seems delighted to eat sleep play. 

There is a feeling of 'relief' without Thor. But I feel horrible just saying that. I feel like I'm betraying his memory but in some ways, home is in some ways better without his presence. 

Well, that's it....I don't want to say this again (makes me feel so sick at heart) and I hope that at least some of you understand what I'm feeling. I'd hate to think I'm the only one that has ever felt this way.

R.I.P. Thor...I love you so much and part of me misses you more than you can know.. but part of me knows home is so much more restful now. I hope, my 'bad boy', that your fears and angst are gone now.


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## JustMeLeslie

Hatterasser said:


> I suspect that this will be my last post in this thread but I just had to voice what I'm feeling.
> 
> I miss Thor...every day in every way. I still have moments where I think of him as still being around. I'll be getting Freya's dinner and wondering for a moment where Thor's bowl is before I remember that it's been washed and put away. I open the door at night and wonder what he's up to that he hasn't come to greet me. It's not a senior moment..no, it's just that I sometimes refuse to admit in my heart that he's not here anymore.
> 
> But...............and once again I'm feeling oh so guilty and as though I'm somehow betraying him. It's ... the house ... it's so much more quiet and peaceful. There was an ongoing tension that's no longer here. I had no idea what a pressure he put on all of us here at home. Even as loving as he was, he also carried a lot of 'angst'. His brow was always furrowed. His kisses were always brief and quick before he backed away. There was always a tension, a watchfulness, in his movements, his attitude, his behavior. It's as though he was always expecting some disaster to strike. In hindsight, I realize he was never totally at ease, ever.
> 
> Certainly not like Freya, who plays happily with Snow2 then lays down beside the kitten and naps peacefully... who greets me with a smile and a relatively mild bit of excitement but who is just as happy with Snow2...who seems to have not a moment of dis-ease but just seems delighted to eat sleep play.
> 
> There is a feeling of 'relief' without Thor. But I feel horrible just saying that. I feel like I'm betraying his memory but in some ways, home is in some ways better without his presence.
> 
> Well, that's it....I don't want to say this again (makes me feel so sick at heart) and I hope that at least some of you understand what I'm feeling. I'd hate to think I'm the only one that has ever felt this way.
> 
> R.I.P. Thor...I love you so much and part of me misses you more than you can know.. but part of me knows home is so much more restful now. I hope, my 'bad boy', that your fears and angst are gone now.


 
I completely understand how you are feeling. Victor was a huge presence in our house as well. I feel bad admitting that now it is a calmer atmosphere without him. I love and miss him everyday too, but the house was in a constant state of tension. All of my other animals are getting along great, no worries of fighting now. My family came over yesterday and did not have to be in fear of getting attacked. It was bittersweet for me. I am glad we can all relax and not be worried about our movements, but at the same time I miss him. I also think of how there is sense of peace amongst my household and feel guilty for that as well. I do know that Victor's mind is at ease that gives me comfort. He was my "bad boy" as well like your Thor. As I stated before I completely understand how you feel. :hugs:


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## Lilie

I feel a great deal of respect to those of you who lived with a 'difficult' animal. There should be no feeling of guilt, but only feelings of pride that you were able to provide a loving home (and I truly mean it when I say 'home') for an animal that may otherwise had a very hard and sad life.


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## carmspack

Diane , so sorry about your Thor. Have you seen how many GSD there are now in shelters , last chance , that would be blessed to live out their lives with someone as caring as you. We've had a few heartbreakers on this forum lately.


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