# My dog is causing me serious distress.



## amandala84 (Feb 9, 2019)

I’m not sure where to even start with this or what I’m looking for, but I don’t know where else to turn. I know I will have some very judgmental responses on here, but trust me when I say that nothing can be said to me on here that I haven’t already said to myself. I feel guilty even writing about this because I love my dog so much. Anyway, here I go:
I got my GSD a little over two years ago; he’ll be three in April. When I got him I had graduated college and wasn’t really working or doing anything. I had a boyfriend who had been in the military who really encouraged me to look into the breed. As someone who always struggled with my mental health, the idea that these dogs were service dogs and so adept at picking up on moods and being there for their owners really struck a chord with me. 
I was very set on this idea, and in hindsight getting a dog at this uncertain stage of my life was not a good decision. 
Puppyhood with him was difficult as his energy level was unreal (of course) and training was tough because he’s incredibly intelligent and stubborn. I have a very timid, insecure, anxious personality that I wish someone had told me was not compatible with this breed. My biggest mistake, however, was taking him to the dog park every day for the first year of his life. His personality is such that he would sprint up to other dogs to play, and as a result of this he often got attacked. Over time this has resulted in an extreme dog reactive ness/aggression. He also will straight up tear the leash out of my hands if he sees a squirrel/cat. My dog is 90 pounds, I am 100 pounds. 
As I said, I struggle with my mental health and I also have a bunch of health problems that make life not so easy. Fast forward to now, and I am in grad school, interning, and working. My boyfriend and I split, and he was a major source of support with my dog. I don’t have the time I did previously to take him out, or the energy when I do. I love hiking and being outside with him, it was once my favorite thing but now every walk is a stressful event. I’m constantly scanning for other dogs/cats/squirrels. If another dog comes at us I have to cross the street, and it has resulted in more uncomfortable/scary situations than I can count. I love taking him into the woods, and he needs the exercise, I don’t have a yard, but it’s so stressful. I never know if we’re going to encounter another dog, if they’re going to fight, if the owner is going to yell at me, etc. I’ve tried training, I’ve tried a board and train. I’m so exhausted. I lay awake at night stressing and thinking about how much he had effected my quality of life. 

I read forums about how it will be a lifelong process of constant training, and to be honest that just is not what I want. I feel like a prisoner to my dog, and instead of quelling my anxiety and lifting my depression he has caused exponentially more. I can never relax around him unless it is just him and I in my apartment.

The thing is, I love this dog with my whole heart. We have a bond like none other, I truly love him like I would my child. He is amazing with people, all he wants is love and attention. He is truly the best dog, and I recognize that his problems are a result of my choices and behavior as his owner. It breaks my heart and makes me sick to think about. I am at such a devastating crossroads here, at a point where he has contributed so much love into my life but has also made life so unbearably stressful at times. It’s like I’m just making it through the days with him. I feel like at 25 years old this is the last way I should be living my life. It’s feeling like a can’t live with him, can’t live without him situation. I don’t feel like I can do it anymore, and I truly wonder if he would be better off with someone with a stronger personality and a yard who could give him the environment he needs. He’s such a happy dog and I take him for exercise as often as I can and I love him to pieces and he knows it, but I don’t know if I can live like this anymore. I’m worried about my mental health and my physical health is declining with the stress of this on top of my stressful existence in graduate school. I love him so much and I just really don’t know where to go from here. If you read all of that, thank you, like I said—not even sure what I’m looking for, just feel very alone in all of this and could use some advice/support.


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## CactusWren (Nov 4, 2018)

That sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. I couldn't possibly presume to advise you on what you should do, but I hope you find a solution that makes the best of things. I do have an extremely dog-aggressive dog, and in her case, she did slowly get better. In her case, that meant she wouldn't lunge at other dogs as long as I kept her focused. She could never meet them or play with them, though. She'll go right for the throat.

But she's a Golden, and older and maybe just doesn't have as much energy, and unfortunately, she has missed out on a lot of walks and fun times because of her psychology. Best wishes, and take care of yourself!


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## Stevenzachsmom (Mar 3, 2008)

Amanda, you probably won't get much feedback, on the weekend. The board tends to get slow. I honestly don't know what to tell you. I am sorry you are struggling with health issues and stressed over your dog. I think you are right that a GSD was not the best choice for you. German Shepherds need strong leadership. If you aren't the leader, the shepherd will put himself in that place. Yes, you did make a lot of mistakes with him. You realize that now. But, please don't blame him for your mistakes. It's not his fault.

From my perspective, you have two choices:

1. Keep your dog. Find a way to increase his exercise - both physically and mentally. Find a trainer who can help you. If you post your general location, someone may be able to give you a recommendation.

2. Rehome your dog. If you choose to do that, please find a rescue who can help you find him the right home. While most rescues do not accept owner surrenders, they do allow courtesy postings. They can help you evaluate good homes.

Only you can make that decision.

Best of luck to you.


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

Amanda, 

If you love your dog there are some things you can do. Puppydom is the worst time, the adolescent stage. As the dog gets beyond that, he is three now, so you are about there, it should get somewhat better. But you are not there, yet. 

Could you walk your dog at night? Could you drive your dog to a place where there is little to no canine traffic and walk the dog there? Are you using a prong collar or an e-collar and did someone teach you how to train with one? Do you have a tread mill? Even if you do not, you can tire your dog out mentally and physically inside the house before going for a walk. You can do this with fun games for you and the dog that uses his instincts, like hide and seek, or other nose-work type stuff. 

I truly get the timid/shy stuff and how that might make a strong-willed male tough to handle. I made a mess of my first GSD. But, he also taught me way more than my easy dogs ever did. And, my dogs did as much for my shyness than ten years of therapy. More. The dog takes the center of attention off of me, and is an instant conversation starter. 

At the same time, you do need to take care of you. Getting this dog might have been a mistake and it is honorable to own up to a mistake and do your best to take care of yourself, whether that means keeping the dog or rehoming the dog. Sometimes rehoming is the best thing to do for ourselves, but also for the dog. There is nothing worse than keeping a dog that we do not want out of some sort of obligation. Soon that obligation will turn into resentment and our dogs really don't deserve that. 

This may be as easy as finding the right trainer who can help you find the tool that can help with both crittering and the dog-reactivity that is manifesting itself as dog aggression. Or it can be as difficult as rehoming a dog that you truly love but simply cannot manage. 

I am sorry that your dog is adding stress to your life, which sounds like it has enough stress. Is your dog neutered? If he isn't, it may make things a little easier. It takes a month or so for the hormones to settle down, and increasing training exercises (especially inside without distractions) during this time, might be huge. 

Good luck, and let us know what you decide to do.


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## middleofnowhere (Dec 20, 2000)

For walks, consider late night in the neighborhood --- with the exception of a few folks who thought that was a time they could just turn their dogs loose, I found that was a pretty good time to walk my dogs. Out and about, yes, you will need to work under threshold - so yes, you will need to watch for dogs, move aside/cross the street, dodge squirrel sightings. In some 50 years of having dogs, I always crossed the street or otherwise moved out of the path when I was walking my dogs and another approached. Didn't matter if my dog was fine with other dogs or not so fine with other dogs. 



It sounds to me like you need a good trainer. Someone versed in butt-head GSDs. If you have an IPO or Shutzhund club nearby, you might see who they would recommend. You could use this as an opportunity, too. I know that over the years my dogs have pushed me to grow in many respects. 



As SZM said, looks like two choices. Find a way to deal with it or rehome the dog. If you look to rehome, perhaps your X would take the dog. None of us can fix it over the internet.


BTW I got my first dog at a less than opportune time. I was in an apartment with no dogs allowed, I had a few months to go before I returned to school. Finding apartments in a college town that allowed dogs wasn't easy either. Finding housing in subsequent years was also a challenge. I lived in a lot of dumps as a renter because I would have my dog. Frankly, it was worth it.


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## car2ner (Apr 9, 2014)

Wow, isn't it nice to be able to vent a little? Kudos on doing the work to get through Grad school. You are stronger than you think. It looks like what you really need is a human face to face mentor. I do hope one comes into your life. Check for dog walking meet-ups. You never know if you can find a few good dog smart folks to chat with in person. Good personal advice can go a long way to help you with making your dog walks more something to enjoy than something to dred.


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## mkculs (Jan 24, 2019)

Good for you, reaching out for help. 

First, do not attribute human emotions to your dog. Yes, dogs have emotions, but they are not the same as ours. Moreover, dogs *and people* adapt to changing circumstances. So take the emotion out of it and ask yourself, would your dog be better off in a different home with someone who has the time, energy, and interest in taking him on? If the answer to that is "yes," then start searching for that person. Because chances are, it could take a while.

In the meanwhile, address your own mental health issues--perhaps you need medication (or different medication, different dose, whatever). Maybe you already do that but you should look into it again, b/c clearly you are still struggling. That's ok and maybe it will always be something of a struggle, depending on your dx, but it could get better with more help. There is no reason not to explore that possibility. If your grad school program is at a big enough university, there may well be free or low cost treatment through the Psychology department or medical school. Grad school is exhausting b/c every second *could* be used to study more--and that is no way to live! 

Also during this time, pick one thing to work on with your dog. I'd approach in this order: (1)threat to other dogs--If you need tools like a prong collar and muzzle to get through this time, that's what you need. Have someone teach you how to use them. (2)More exercise: Maybe look into having a friend walk the dog (or better yet, run with the dog) once a day for its exercise if the dog is easy with other people so you don't feel stressed by the challenge of getting him enough exercise. The treadmill is a good solution, too, if that's easier. (3) Then focus on teaching your dog to focus on you no matter what is happening--by first working with no distractions and VERY slowly adding more. I'm working right now with mine and have used dog-barking videos (any with dogs barking) to get practice focus with a minimal distraction. I have no idea what I'll add next, but this worked--he'd bark crazily at the sound before, and now he ignores it. 

I'm no expert and I haven't had much experience with GSDs. I know the struggle of finding one's dog a burden rather than unmitigated pleasure, though, and I can relate to other parts of your story. I love the idea of seeing if the ex would take him-if that's what you want to do--and I know that for me, having a few small pieces in place tends to help me stop looking at the big, overwhelming problem--at least for a while. You may just need some breathing space. I'm getting a muzzle today (my pup is dog- and human-reactive) to reduce the stress I feel about my pup around other people. I'm looking into strategies for more exercise and also working on the focus issue in teeny, tiny baby steps. The weather has been horrific (-25/-30 before windchill; ice storms and snowstorms, so roads and walkways are too icy for me to risk), so I'm not willing to start addressing the reactivity through distance exposure (look up BAT or BAT2) just now. Just mitigating my stress about it is enough, and the muzzle will do that. 

Ok, now I'm just babbling. Pick one or 2 ideas that appeal to you most and start today. Good luck, and let us know what you decide--or just check back in.


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## GSDchoice (Jul 26, 2016)

OK, i know I tend to be too much of an optimist, but maybe you could use a little optimism at this point...

On Passing Other Dogs - 
Make distance: 
Don't feel bad about crossing the street - it's standard practice around where I live. We are also used to dogwalkers who do an abrupt 180 or dodge behind a bush (that was us, a year ago). Just do whatever you need to do! You mention that your dog may fight, and other owners yell at you...well, just stay (literally) far away from the whole scene! Walk in wide streets, fields, parking lots, open parks, and if you're on a trail and see/hear them coming, you can try to take your dog offtrail into the woods. If they let their offleash dog run at yours...well, that's their fault and they have no right to yell.
Avoid doggy times: 
We accidentally found that 2pm is a very "dogless" deserted time. The lunchtime walkers are done, everybody is at school/work, and the afterschool buses, kids and parents aren't out and about yet. Midmornings are also good, and of course dark times and super early in the morning. Maybe you can find a regular time slot that works with your grad school schedule...
Train: 
I'm a fan of staying far away (so dog is calm) and teaching to look at owner and take treats. What this hopefully says: "hmm, other dogs going by isn't so bad. Nothing bad happens - I even get some treats." Worked for us, at least.

On cat/squirrel/pulling:
With him at 90 and you at 100, you definitely need some mechanical help to even the odds! There is a world of dog gear out there to investigate...is there something (like a no-pull harness) which would make him easier to handle? Would it be better to attach leash to your body/hips? I don't know. It's the Prey Drive...everybody struggles with it...mine goes nuts with running cats or deer but he runs back & forth like a madman on the end of the leash. (We've done a lot of "Don't pull the human around!" training).

On Rehoming:
I wouldn't do it lightly, but it's not necessarily the end of the world. A GSD rescue is a good way to go, if you can (most of them do not accept owner surrenders?) - they will get to know your dog, assess him, try to place him carefully. I am the owner of a "rehomed" rescue dog. He came to us at age 5 or 6 and he has bonded to us and has a happy life. (His previous life was not so good, based on remarks by his foster mom and the way he used to flinch when touched - so you're already better than HIS owner, whoever that was).


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## Magwart (Jul 8, 2012)

There's a dog thing here (which we can help with), and there's a human thing here -- which you may also need help with (and we are not the right place for that). 

Since you are focused on stress and mental health, my hunch is you likely have a professional that you either see or have seen. I would love for you to actually read what you wrote here to your therapist, and think about it together. My hunch is that there are at least two very different approaches that your therapist might want to take with it (depending your history and needs), and figuring out which is right is beyond what we could do here. It's a dilemma that really deserves professional guidance:


1. Sometimes people in recovery need to learn techniques to deal with stressors (which are just part of life), and develop coping techniques and resilience appropriate to their own mental health issues.

2. Sometimes people in recovery need to be shielded from stressors that can turn into triggers for mental illness.

We can't know which path is yours, or where you are on your mental health treatment. If your own mental health requires giving up the dog, so be it -- find a wonderful home, and focus on getting healthy yourself. In that case, start a new thread on how to find good homes, and we'll help with that. On the other hand, if your own mental health requires learning to cope more effectively, then this is an opportunity to work through and practice stress-management and anti-anxiety techniques under the supervision of a therapist who really knows you -- and we can help with dog training suggestions while your therapist helps with human training suggestions.

Please be guided by the professional judgment of someone who knows you -- not just a dog trainer. There are aspects of your post that make me wonder if you might possibly be depressed (not sleeping, worrying, exhausted, feeling alone). If my worry has any validity, it may not be the right frame of mind to make important decisions yet, as the dark curtain of despair can sometimes keep people from seeing all the solutions available (or how much progress they're already making).


ETA: if you don't have someone you work with on the mental health struggles that you describe, since you are a grad student, you should have free access to care through your university's health services. American universities almost always have mental health services available for students, included in the cost of tuition and/or student health insurance. You've probably already paid for it -- so don't hesitate to use it!


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