# RIP "Evoo" (Eva), my sweetest girl



## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

I just want to share this immense, horrible, devastating, deep loss; I want to talk about my sweet girl, my sweetest Evoo (or Eves, or Eva Diva)... I wrote about her struggles and suffering in the preparing to say good-bye forum, and even though I knew this was coming and I took four days off work to spend with her (came back to work the day after the loss - I just preferred to soak up my time with her while she was still here to share it with me), I discovered there is no such thing as 'prepared'.....

This was the first time I ever had a pet euthanized - my husband made the decision and let me arrange the rest.....

I spent the past five days with Eva, taking her for long slow easy walks, letting her smell everything - always a source of joy for her... I tried to feed her tasty meals but her appetite was so poor, all she ate for the last several days was chicken breast hand-fed to her on the sofa. I did get her to eat one meal of bison and cheese, which she used to ADORE.....

We played as much as we could and I played fetch with her squeaky Kong tennis ball, which normally we can't use because of my work schedule and the building's quiet hours.... (it really is THAT loud, but you should all buy one for your dogs - it's the only tennis ball type toy she didn't destroy in 2 minutes or less; those balls actually lasted about 8 weeks each :wild 

I hope that walking for hours and hours every day eased her tummy pain like the vet said it would (we walked 5+ hours several days this week, nice slow ambly walk).... I hope she knew how loved she was, and still is..... She is my heart dog :wub: :wub: :wub: :wub: :wub: 

I just felt that her uncomfortable/stressful/painful minutes/hours outnumbered her joyful moments by far too wide a margin... so many times she would pant from pain and distress so hard that she would move the couch, even with both of us sitting on it..... 

I slept with her the last night, well until 3 AM anyway (got up at 4 for the day in any case) when she kicked me off her sofa  

We went for a few long ambly walks to a couple of places she'd never been before, and one forest/wildlife management area she LOVED, we always saw deer there... I'd been trying to stretch my time with her so much the past few days that we were up at 4AM, walking in that area til 6, and we saw the same 5 does and 1 buck every morning... and of course plenty of cotton-tail rabbits. She never did catch one  

I'm flabbergasted by all the things I am thinking of now that I wanted to do with her in her last days that I never got the chance to do... I wanted her to eat all of her favorite foods, things she'd been forbidden since they were *bad* for her, cheese and beef and chicken nuggets and steak {she had fat malabsorption problems her whole life, in addition to the EPI and gastric cancer}, but I could hardly get her to eat chicken breast, her ultimate favorite food (I know, a dog that wants chicken breat over a burger or chicken nuggets or cheese?!?!? used to be that she wanted cheese and beef more than chicken, but she turned her nose up at every kind of cheese and beef I tried to give her).... wanted to give her one last Greenie, since she loved mint so much, but I plum forgot until it was too late, how does that even happen... I'm astounded by the number of WMAs I wanted to take her to, but never got the chance..

The vet was just great, and I'm so glad my husband let me spend beaucoup bucks on the final appointment. I got the very best vet, the most gentle woman, to come out to our home. When she arrived, I distracted Eva by feeding her freshly cooked chicken breast... I had gone and gotten her McDonald's but she wouldn't eat that, only the baked chicken breast - we used to joke that Eva liked to watch her girlish figure.... 

Anyway I sat on the floor feeding her chicken breast until and while the vet administered the sedative in her flank. Eva used to stand right up against me and hang her long long neck all the way down to my, well, crotch, so her shoulders were against my chest and her head was in my .... privates .... and she did that and I almost lost it but reminded myself I had to keep it together for her; if she felt me become anxious, she would, too.... 

Then she wanted to go sniff the vet and I had to let her go much as I wanted to hug her to me. I had my husband pull her soft blanket off of her couch and lay it down, and I sat on the edge of it, and she came over and laid down on it, facing sort of towards me.... I was stroking her scruff and her face and her ears and telling her she was a good girl, and so loved, and I enjoyed our time together so much, and somehow for the first time I was keeping it together but my husband was sobbing - first time I've ever seen him really cry, and Eva was 100% my dog; she never bonded to him at all.... every time he blew his nose she raised her head to look at him....

The vet gave her a little more sedative because she was still very responsive to noise and Eva had aggression issues - now that she has passed I can say that without fear that she will inflict a puncture wound on a kid and my posts/Internet history will be found..... anyway, I was vehemently against muzzling her so the vet wanted her quite sedated.... 

so she gave her another shot and I lay down looking in her eyes, and she looked in mine, and I tried not to cry and thanked her for giving me a few more minutes with her, told her what a strong girl she was, told her she was always good, always my sweetest girl, that I would be right here with her, not to fear.... 

after the sedative took full effect and she was not as responsive to sound, the vet had me lay behind her so she could get at her foreleg... I laid right up against her with my face buried in her thick scruff like I'd done so many times; Eva was such a spooner.... I can't remember what I was saying or thinking, just remember staring at the syringe and watching the plunger go down and thinking, I've been living in the moment with her, like her, but what now.... 

I think I remember feeling a quick burst of peacefulness for the seconds between the shot and the vet listening to her chest and saying "I'm sorry. There is no heartbeat." I want to hang on to that. I hope it wasn't just shock; I hope it was a message from Eva...

I apparently had a dream about her last night that my husband told me about, but that I can't remember (he woke me up during it crying - I'm stunned by how affected he is; they really had no bond at all and I didn't think he particularly liked her honestly).. I was talking, I guess; I said something about "by the trees" (either take her or don't take her by the trees), then something about "the people"; my husband asked what people and I said "all the people in the forest".... I woke up when he was crying; I was about 50% awake I'd say, and kept seeing images of us walking in her favorite forest.... I thought it was because I was thinking of her & trying to reassure him, but maybe the dream was still lingering; he was crying & I wanted to comfort him but I wanted so badly to go back to sleep, & I felt guilty for wanting to go back to sleep, but maybe it was because of the dream..... I remember saying "She is happy" to him, then thinking, "How would I know that?"

I just love her and miss her so, so, so, so much..... I love you my Eva girl, my sweetest dog, my doggie soul mate, and I hope I made you happy and that you know I love you


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## DWP (Mar 31, 2011)

*Peace Be with you*

Peace Be With You. 

It is so very sad that we must endure the shortness of their lives, as we remember the lengths they went to please us.


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## shepherdmom (Dec 24, 2011)

So very sorry for your loss. RIP Evoo


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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

Thank you for the condolences.... I can't believe how much I wrote; sorry 

I still feel her presence so much. I hope it's her that I am feeling, and not just the expectation of her.... I hope wherever she is, she is at peace and knows I love her so much and did the best I could to make her happy and comfy


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## K9POPPY (Mar 6, 2014)

So, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts- I am sure she had such a wonderful life with you. Thinking of you, today. We share your sadness and loss. best to you, Bob


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## Zeeva (Aug 10, 2010)

I kept up with your other thread and feel compelled to comment now.

You've been strong. You've provided a great life for your pup; full of love despite requiring the management of her aggression. You're commended for that.

Please find some peace in knowing that she is at ease now. That you gave her a gift both throughout her life and by deciding to free her. I do believe we will meet our past pups again...I hope you do too and find comfort in that. Especially since you saw her showing you how happy she is now.

Confide in us when you need to <3


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## my boy diesel (Mar 9, 2013)

so very sorry for your loss :'(


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## SuperG (May 11, 2013)

You did good....to the very end....Evoo was lucky to have you by her side.

Yes, Evoo has been freed from her hardships and suffering which of course was your prime directive...you honored and respected Evoo with your selfless decisions ....all for her best....it is so damned tough but it is what is right and loving. 

You did good.....so very good...

Take care and as the wonderful memories of Evoo start to temper this sadness you have...remember.. your wonderful beloved Evoo wants nothing more from you except for your happiness to return...

My heart goes out to you,

SuperG


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## Lilie (Feb 3, 2010)

Big hugs to you and your hubby.


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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

Thank you all so much. You have no idea how much it means, just to know other people have looked at her picture and are thinking of her, even just for a moment... 

It's hard. I keep having fleeting memories both of the amazingly fun times we had - even just laying on the floor or on the couch together, or just playing fetch, or her flea-biting me all over (my favorite!!!!!!! God I loved when she did that, she'd get so into it, her eyes would roll up into her head - the cutest thing) and then of times when I was frustrated with her aggression & behavioral issues (especially early on, before I just learned to live with it), and I know she could sense it -- ughhhh I regret that frustration so much, SO much, but I try to remember those moments of frustration were far, far, far, FAR fewer than the moments of love and fun we shared. 

I think I am going to plant a tree in her memory in her favorite quasi-conservation forested area (overlooking a highway - lol - she loved to watch trucks) and maybe her second favorite area, too (a small area of conservation land next to a river, where there were cats and a beaver that she loved to track) and sprinkle forget-me-not seeds everywhere we used to walk frequently.... I am also going to volunteer for a local GSD rescue (administratively - I can't even look at other dogs right now; I instantly compare them to Eves and they all lose). I just want her memory and legacy to live on. I love her so much and I miss her desperately


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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

This morning when I woke up I think I was in the midst of a dream about stroking her face... I think there was more to the dream but I can't remember it at all; I'm not even sure I was dreaming of stroking her, or if I was just thinking of it as I started to wake, but I want to believe it was her visiting me in a dream again...

Today I pick up her remains. I want her to be home, where she belongs. 

Ohhhh Eva girl, Eva baby... I miss you so much, I love you forever


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## Bridget (Apr 5, 2004)

I am sorry for your loss. She was a beautiful girl and a good friend.


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## sitstay (Jan 20, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss.
Sheilah


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## Stevenzachsmom (Mar 3, 2008)

I am so sorry. Your girl knew she was loved!


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## SDG (Jul 30, 2013)

Thank you for sharing your girl with us. I'm sure she knew she was loved.

I'm so sorry for your loss, you were so incredibly bonded to her, it must
hurt so very much.

As I was reading (and crying) I had two thoughts:

1.) Spend as much time while I can with my pups, and

2.) Will you be available to be my hospice nurse when my time comes? 
Such a wonderful ending you gave her despite her pain, and yours.


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## readaboutdogs (Jul 8, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss of Eva. She was beautiful. I planted a yellow climbing rose bush for my Cody and Clipper. I liked that some of the meanings for a yellow rose are joy, friendship, delight, promise of a new beginning, remember me and welcome back. Some day we'll be together again! I can think of many things I wished I'd done too, but I know they know they were loved. You did all you could, and wanting to do more shows your unending love for her. Peace to you and your family.


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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

K9POPPY said:


> So, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts- I am sure she had such a wonderful life with you. Thinking of you, today. We share your sadness and loss. best to you, Bob


Thank you so much Bob



Zeeva said:


> I kept up with your other thread and feel compelled to comment now.
> 
> You've been strong. You've provided a great life for your pup; full of love despite requiring the management of her aggression. You're commended for that.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much Zeeva - reading this comment at work the other day made me cry. I desperately want to see her again in this life or the next!!



my boy diesel said:


> so very sorry for your loss :'(


Thank you 



SuperG said:


> You did good....to the very end....Evoo was lucky to have you by her side.
> 
> Yes, Evoo has been freed from her hardships and suffering which of course was your prime directive...you honored and respected Evoo with your selfless decisions ....all for her best....it is so damned tough but it is what is right and loving.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much SuperG.... It's so hard and it's hard in so many unexpected ways. As I think I mentioned, this is the first time I've ever elected euthanasia.... my husband's GSD, who in many ways inspired us to adopt Eva, was euthanized 1.5 years ago and we were 'there' via Skype (the GSD remained with his mom after he moved out) but it is entirely different... Eva was in many ways my baby in every sense of the term - when we first adopted her, it was out every hour all night long because she had undiagnosed EPI, and at the end it came full circle, out at least 2-5x a night and when that wasn't the case, out for 1 full hour 2x a night... that bond between us - I keep telling her - can't be broken. She sought me out in a lot of ways and once she set eyes on me, she never considered any alternate human companionship. She was and is my doggie soul mate. 



Lilie said:


> Big hugs to you and your hubby.


Thank you Lillie - yes he needs them too; he is having a much harder time than I anticipated. I guess I never saw how much he loved her



Bridget said:


> I am sorry for your loss. She was a beautiful girl and a good friend.


So beautiful, and the very best friend a girl could ask for!



sit said:


> I am so sorry for your loss.
> Sheilah


Thank you Sheilah!



Stevenzachsmom said:


> I am so sorry. Your girl knew she was loved!


Thank you -- that is all that matters to me!!!



SDG said:


> Thank you for sharing your girl with us. I'm sure she knew she was loved.
> 
> I'm so sorry for your loss, you were so incredibly bonded to her, it must
> hurt so very much.
> ...


Oh SDG, this comment.... I read it a few times yesterday at work and throughout the evening... thank you so much, you have no idea how much this helps! Eva hated other dogs in this life, but "they," whoever "they" are, say that in the afterlife, whatever shape it takes, all those demons are separated from the soul, so I think she would be so happy that her story makes you want to spend every second with your pups!

Of course... and now I can smile a bit!.... I took all those days off work and took her on grand adventures and played with her and snuggled all. day. long., sleeping usually only from 1AM to 4AM and then maybe a nap between 6AM and 8AM, and this dog, my velcro dog, my doggie soul mate, actually got up about once a day and wandered off for some alone time!  So don't be surprised! 



readaboutdogs said:


> I am so sorry for your loss of Eva. She was beautiful. I planted a yellow climbing rose bush for my Cody and Clipper. I liked that some of the meanings for a yellow rose are joy, friendship, delight, promise of a new beginning, remember me and welcome back. Some day we'll be together again! I can think of many things I wished I'd done too, but I know they know they were loved. You did all you could, and wanting to do more shows your unending love for her. Peace to you and your family.


Thank you so much!! I love that you chose the yellow rose bush in part for its meaning -- that is important to me, too. Yesterday I finally found some forget-me-not seeds... I planted some inside in a new pot that is the same rich reddish brown that made up the darker portion of her coat, and will sprinkle some of the seeds in her favorite walking spots today. I am also hoping to pick out some trees today to plant in her VERY favorite spots maybe tomorrow.

-----------

Eva's ashes were returned to me yesterday - well - actually I went to pick them up because I couldn't stand to wait til Monday. The crematory was amazingly thoughtful and expedient and the urn is perfect (has a spot for a picture which was very important to me). But it was still unspeakably difficult to receive her back in a large paper bag.... I started crying and the woman was so wonderful, let me talk about Eva though I couldn't really think of anything to say. My brain has been so muddled lately, I feel like I'm going senile or something. 

Anyway I brought her home... we have a little memorial set up. Right next to the couch we cuddled on / where she laid by my feet when she wasn't allowed on the couch, there is a candle lit whenever we are home, that I got a few days before she passed and lit whenever we were hanging out. We covered her half of the couch with her favorite soft white blanket, which she also laid on for her last moments , and laid her pretty pink flat collar there, and a prayer/poem that I read shortly after she passed (I would've started sobbing if I read it while she was sedated, and I didn't want to upset her), and I put her urn there after we picked a picture, which I will post here later because it is such a telling photo of her personality. (Didja know I have 600+ pictures of her?! I'm so glad. It's nice to go through and discover "new" pics.) 

Our cat used to lay partially on Eva; Eva would be slightly curled up or comma-shaped and Mika would lay down by her butt and put her head on her hindquarters - usually this occurred on Eva's part of the couch, between me and Eva. Mika had only laid on the couch for a few seconds at a time 'til yesterday when I brought Eva home... she ran over, sniffed the urn, and laid down between me and the urn with her head resting on it ever so slightly. Then she spent the rest of the evening on the couch.....

I moved the urn into the bedroom and put her next to me on a little table before bed, since she always followed me into the bedroom and slept where she could see me. Now she's back out on her part of the couch this morning.

Last night I had a dream I remember, that Eva was in. When we walked, she would always stick her head beneath people's fences and sniff or look around if she was able   :wub: and I dreamed that she did that on a walk with me, and somehow I could see underneath the fence too, and there were just a bunch of sheep there (we drove by 2 sheep farms on her last day, and today is sheep day in our area), and I let her off leash and she herded them around while I watched.


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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

The first pic in this series is the one that is on her urn. She used to loooove when I laid on the floor with her, she'd get all excited and start flea-biting me and play-wrestling me. She never knew how to play like a dog (thanks to her previous owner), so it was a little different... she'd start flea biting all over me, sometimes getting so happy her eyes would roll up in her head, and I'd mimic flea biting with my fingertips back on her, and blow gently on her nose and she'd either start rolling over and pawing me or she'd get super hyped and run off to get a ball and play fetch :wub::wub::wub::wub::wub:

Love these memories


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## Brando & Julietta's Dad (Dec 14, 2013)

So Sorry for your loss of beautiful Eva. Its never easy to say goodbye. Eva knew she was loved. RIP sweet girl Eva.


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## GSD2 (Jan 27, 2012)

I am so sorry for your loss. ((((hugs)))


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## Loneforce (Feb 12, 2012)

I am sorry for your loss of Eva


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## BowWowMeow (May 7, 2007)

So sorry for the loss of your beloved Eva. It is so, so hard to let them go. Sending all good thoughts to you in this time of grief.


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## Wetdog (May 23, 2001)

She will be waiting for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qllq0JjSF28


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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

Brando & Julietta's Dad said:


> So Sorry for your loss of beautiful Eva. Its never easy to say goodbye. Eva knew she was loved. RIP sweet girl Eva.


Thank you so much!



GSD2 said:


> I am so sorry for your loss. ((((hugs)))


Thank you!



Loneforce said:


> I am sorry for your loss of Eva


Thank you!



BowWowMeow said:


> So sorry for the loss of your beloved Eva. It is so, so hard to let them go. Sending all good thoughts to you in this time of grief.


Thank you... it is  I still haven't let go all the way....



Wetdog said:


> She will be waiting for you.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qllq0JjSF28


Gah - that story gets me every time. I'm waiting for her, too... She was and is a once in a lifetime dog -- heck, a once in a lifetime friend! 

-------

I went to two of our favorite spots today and planted forget-me-nots. Also planted some in a pot inside as I mentioned in my last post...

I mentioned the dream about the fence and the sheep in my last post in this thread (would love interpretations if anyone is up for it - it's in my last post) so today I went to a local sheep farm and bought a mint plant, since she always loved to smell mint. The only time I could get her to give me a kiss was right after I brushed my teeth or if I had mint-scented lip balm on  We have a whole field of mint out in the back of our apartment building that she used to love to smell! Not sure where I'll plant it; might try to get it to grow and reproduce sufficiently and then plant it right outside/below our window....

Anyway it was really, really, really stinkin' tough to go to our old favorite places. Never went those places with anyone but her. So quiet and lonely 

Couple times today, I expected her to be places she wasn't. I had to stop quickly while driving and threw my arm out like I normally would to brace her....  Then once when I came home carrying groceries I expected her to greet me at the door 

It's been so odd to shower without hearing her "old man groan" as she lay down on the bathroom floor to guard me or make sure I didn't fall and hit my head or, let's be honest, nap  (yep I really do feel ALL of those things as I think about that)

Haven't picked out any trees to plant for her yet - feel like I'm a zombie, or in a fog, or maybe my IQ just dropped 80 points - got lost on the way to the nursery and then found my way to one that closed and then just felt so tired and overwhelmed that I came home... feels like the simplest task is as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest right now 

Just miss her so much.... the finality is sooooooo hard to deal with, can't even wrap my head around it


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## Wade (Jun 23, 2003)

I am so very sorry for your loss, and I share your pain. I had my once in a lifetime friend Bogey put to rest yesterday. This was also the first dog that I had to euthanize. I did as you did, took a few days to do nothing but spend time with him. Fed him his favorite foods and we did his favorite things. The vet came to my house and he died laying on the couch, his favorite place, with me holding him and looking into his eyes. I have an aching hole in my heart that will never go away, but in time the memories will bring more smiles than sorrow. 

Cherish the memories and smile through the tears. If Eva could, she would thank you for ending her pain and making the greatest sacrifice a pet owner can make for the love of their companion.

I wish you peace.


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## Wade (Jun 23, 2003)




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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

Wade said:


> I am so very sorry for your loss, and I share your pain. I had my once in a lifetime friend Bogey put to rest yesterday. This was also the first dog that I had to euthanize. I did as you did, took a few days to do nothing but spend time with him. Fed him his favorite foods and we did his favorite things. The vet came to my house and he died laying on the couch, his favorite place, with me holding him and looking into his eyes. I have an aching hole in my heart that will never go away, but in time the memories will bring more smiles than sorrow.
> 
> Cherish the memories and smile through the tears. If Eva could, she would thank you for ending her pain and making the greatest sacrifice a pet owner can make for the love of their companion.
> 
> I wish you peace.


Thanks so much Wade. Looking on the bright side - at least my Evoo has a boyfriend up there who shared the same peaceful ending / transition into the next leg of the journey 

------

I haven't seen her in a dream again since the third night, when I dreamt of her and the privacy fence and the sheep.... feel her presence less, now, too, though I still talk to her all the time. 

I have now officially scattered seeds mixed with potting soil in all of her/our favorite spots, as well as right outside our window. Still want to plant a tree for her, but have to find the right one -- plus I'm getting paid quite late this pay period - wish $$ wasn't a factor in things like this. 

Just miss her so much. All the things I'll never hear or see or feel again. But like I keep telling her, it's not her physical body that is or was ever important... it's her spirit, and death can't sever the bond between our spirits, our souls.


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## Romany (Apr 22, 2014)

DWP said:


> Peace Be With You.
> 
> It is so very sad that we must endure the shortness of their lives, as we remember the lengths they went to please us.


Very well said.
My thoughts are with you all that have to go through this.

Eva was so lucky to have you.


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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

Romany said:


> Very well said.
> My thoughts are with you all that have to go through this.
> 
> Eva was so lucky to have you.


Thank you!

I am having a really rough time. Now that Eva's urn is at home and I've planted all my seeds and I went to the sheep festival and interviewed to become a volunteer, it feels like there is nothing left to focus on.... 

I don't cry often at all, which surprises me, but I feel like there is a leaden anchor tied to my waist.... feel so drained, as if I haven't slept in months when in reality this is the first time in a while that I've been sleeping more than 2 to 4 hours a stretch.... everything is a struggle. Walking to the kitchen to make some tea. Getting dressed. Getting out the door for work. Doing work at work. Speaking aloud, even. 

This is, to date, my biggest, hardest loss. My grandparents passed when I was young, and one family member did die suddenly and at a young age, but that felt more gradual - I didn't have to accept and deal with it on a daily basis, ya know? All my other pets died when I was younger and the only one that died after I hit late adolescence was a cat - I loved that cat but there's a difference... 

Didn't expect it to feel like this. I almost wish I were sobbing all the time, compared to this dead-inside, zombie-like, constantly exhausted existence.


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## Wade (Jun 23, 2003)

I feel your pain and I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I wasn't experiencing the same thing, but it's what we have to deal with when we love a GSD. You'll never forget her and the memories will bring you many smiles as the years pass. It is tremendous grief to have to overcome, but if you are like me, you would not trade one day of your time with Eva to relieve your sorrow. I am a fool for these magnificent animals and will do it all over again.


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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

Absolutely Wade - I keep saying out loud to her (yeah, I'm *that* crazy), "I wouldn't trade this pain for anything" - however long it lasts, however bad it gets, it is a small price to pay for the time I got with her.


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## Daisy&Lucky's Mom (Apr 24, 2011)

I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful Evoo. You gave her final days that were all about her and made the kindest and hardest decision there is. I have to believe these loyal and devoted creatures are waiting on us. Take care .I know its so hard to lose them


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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

Daisy&Lucky's Mom said:


> I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful Evoo. You gave her final days that were all about her and made the kindest and hardest decision there is. I have to believe these loyal and devoted creatures are waiting on us. Take care .I know its so hard to lose them


So hard  I take comfort in that -- the last few days were 100% all about her. Just miss her so much....

I still haven't had another dream of her, since that last one with the sheep and the fence... I want to believe that means she is safe and happy, herding her flock, separated from me merely by a metaphorical fence. I want to commission a drawing/painting of that dream and hang it where her crate used to be.

Our cat is still looking for her. She knows that I'd play fetch with Eva in the hallway every (well.. most   :blush: ) AM and evening, and when I get up in the morning & get home from work she's all over me, meowing, wanting me to play - she _never _did that before; I was not her "person," my husband was.... but she would run under/alongside Eva when she chased the ball... wonder if she thinks that if she just plays with me, Eva will turn up? Or maybe Eva has told her to keep me distracted. 

Feels like the last few weeks before 4/30/14 flew, and since then, time has slowed to a crawl...


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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

*10 days without you*

It's been 10 days since Eva passed. Yesterday, an Eva-related (I requested it) gift arrived in the mail, as well as a handwritten note from the vet who performed the euthanasia, and one of the forget-me-nots I planted in the window sprouted, as did one of the flowers I planted for Eva right outside our window...

Anyway the reason I mentioned my birthday is because I asked my friends and family to donate to a particular GSD rescue and a particular fund designated within that rescue, in Eva's memory, and two of my family members have donated so far, which feels really...soothing, I guess? I want Eva's legacy to live on forever, and those two family members helped me take a step towards that goal 

In other news I had a disturbing dream last night.... I dreamed that my husband, who struggles w/ depression, & I had both become depressed, and made a suicide pact that involved some stranger who I dreamed was an MD friend, injecting us with an overdose of sedatives... I got injected first and I was okay with it in the beginning, but then my husband didn't get his injection for some reason and I started to fight it and struggle, and somehow I overcame it and then the dream ended....   :crazy: 

The reason that dream particularly disturbs me is that it took a long while for the sedative to affect Eva -- well, the vet seemed to think it was a long while; it felt like seconds to me, and she did lay down and start getting sleepy right away, she was just very responsive to sounds, but it seemed like after the extra dosing was administered, too quickly for the extra dose to be acting alone, her... gosh I don't know canine anatomy.... the lining that is dark around the corner of their eyes???....swelled quite a bit, which I am assuming is one of the clinical signs of the sedative taking hold... the vet couldn't see it I don't think, I was in front of Eva's head the whole time until the very end.... *Does anyone know anything about this?  *Like what that swelling indicated - was the sedative hitting? I don't know why this is important to me but it is. I work in healthcare but obviously there is no such thing (in the US) as human euthanasia so I'm not familiar with this at all, I don't even know what to google. I guess I'm just wondering, once the... whatever that structure is called, it wasn't her third eyelid I don't think, it was like the line around her eye at the inner corner, started swelling, was the sedative taking effect? I just want to know how much she may have been fighting it... didn't appear distressed to me; her body language was always relaxed, just maybe curious about what the vet was doing


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## meek (Feb 14, 2012)

I'm so so so sorry



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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

Thank you Meek!

I am kinda using this as almost a journal at this point... there are only so many people who *get it*, as you all know.

Tomorrow will make two weeks since the last time I saw Eva, felt her warm breath on my skin as she sighed and stretched out, head parallel to or on my leg.... two weeks since our last Big Adventure, since the last time we startled the deer at 4 AM, since the last time I listened to the sleepy birds slowly awaken with her by my side... 

I go through so much less chicken now that I'm the only one eating it. I didn't realize how much of my chicken I was giving her towards the end, but it was the only thing she would eat, ya know? I eat 8oz of it a day -- apparently she was eating another 8-16 oz every day, & even more towards the very end -- ha! No wonder our grocery bills were out of control. Makes me smile. She loved plain chicken breast and I'm glad she got so much of it in the last weeks and days. 

Our cat has taken over as my playmate. I don't know where she got this energy from; there is no way she and Eva were playing this much during the day. I set up doggie cams from time to time and as far as I could tell, they both slept all day! Anyway, the cat harasses me (and I mean that, she follows me around, twists between my legs, meows at me, etc nonstop) to play with her at the same times I used to play with Eva. 'Course, playing with a cat is at least twice the work - you throw, they chase, you walk over, pick it up, throw it the other way, rinse, repeat. Guess that's making up for the walks I'm no longer going for, anyway.

One of my relatives died unexpectedly and suddenly yesterday. Feels strange to be trying to help someone else in their {very different} grief. 

That's about all I've got for now. Miss you, my Eva-girl. Hope you are having fun up there with all the sheep.


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## lovemygirl (Jan 19, 2014)

Three weeks today, Eva-doo. Can't believe it. Last night in the shower an image came to me of you sniffing the syringe the vet used to inject the sedative in your flank...walking up to it, standing with your back to me and your hind legs all funny like they always were (I'll add a picture - she had HD), sniffing all over it and how nice of the vet to let you since smelling e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. was one of your greatest pleasures in life.... 

I looked through all my pictures of you again today, just like almost every other day, and conjured up some good memories in my mind and smiled. It's just so hard to accept never seeing you again, never playing fetch, never bringing home a new toy to see whether you like it, never stitching your poor old football back up again, never bringing home a new kind of jerky, never snuggling, never being "nibbled" again, never coming home from work and laying down on the floor and then seeing your face peering into mine from above, and trying to keep my hair from getting tangled between your paws as you lay down next to me....

Thank you for blessing me, and dad, and Mika with your presence and your love; thank you for all you taught and showed us. Thank you for your companionship and your loyalty and your playful spirit and your wisdom and your forgiveness and your willingness to learn. You were not just a good dog, not just a good girl, you were and are my heart dog and I hope we meet again.




(First pic is of Eva's silly legs, second is of Eva + Mika)


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## emilybyrne (Dec 18, 2013)

So sorry for your loss, it's not the same without them.


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## Wicked Seraphim (May 17, 2014)

I have a huge nest of wet tissue piled up next to me after reading this. 

The way you shared Eva's story was deeply touching. Your loving remembrance of her and wishes to visit with her in your dreams, breathtakingly heart-wrenching. I can't express my sorrow for your loss with words after reading what you've written. I don't have enough, or the right kind... so I'll just give you a /hug and tell you Eva was one lucky girl to have a mom like you. I know, you feel the luck was all yours, and that's what makes you wonderful. :wub:


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