# Can't Get Over the Loss



## krisfed

I am having a very difficult time coping with and recovering from the sudden death of my nearly-three-year-old German Shepherd, Koby. On Dec. 21, 2014, for some reason he went to the end of our property (something he had never done before) and got struck by a car. His body was flung 20 feet and landed at the base of our driveway. I was inside the house when this happened while my husband witnessed the entire thing. I can still remember his shrill voice calling my name. When I reached the love of my life at the base of the driveway, his skull between his eyes was missing and he was barely clinging to life. I held him in my arms, repeatedly told him I loved him and that he had to leave me so that he wouldn't suffer any more. He died in my arms that freezing, dark night at 6:38 p.m.

People in our immediate circle have been wonderfully supportive and of course just keep telling me that time will heal my wounds, but time is not healing my wounds. Koby was more than "just a dog." I was stripped of being a mother when I was younger and Koby was the first "thing" I had ever raised from a baby. He made me a mother, and he was my baby in every way. Though my husband was there, Koby only cared about me - my husband was a secondary entity. We slept together, cuddled together, walked together and had conversations that seemed almost human. I have never felt love in my life for some"thing" the way that I have for Koby. I have dealt with death in my life, even of my unborn child, but never something that feels to have rocked my very core as this has.

Now that he is gone I enjoy looking at his pictures, but I cannot get rid of the mental image of his cracked skull bleeding all over the macadam on our property. We quickly got another German Shepherd puppy, Bear, who has a completely different coloring and personality, and is now 18 weeks old, but it has been so difficult. Some may say we got Bear too fast, but we needed him in the house to hear the patter of feet and the squeak of toys. But now my husband and I have been thrust back into puppy mode (nearly forgetting how horrible and tiring it is with a GSD), plus are still grieving. I fear that Bear won't love me like Koby did, that I can't be a good mother again and that Koby was my only chance. I fear that I will be devastated if Bear doesn't cling to me like Koby did. I know I am unfairly and unhealthily trying to recreate in Bear what is gone, and I am trying so hard not to compare the two because they are so different, but I can't stop myself from doing it at this point. I am afraid to tell Bear that I love him and really let myself fall in love with him.

My friends and coworkers have noticed a significant change in me since Koby got killed and I feel like I am just not fun anymore. I feel alone, like I lost my best friend, and just don't know how to get through it. I don't let myself cry about him because I am afraid if I start I will never stop, and I don't like saying I'm still sad about him because I'm sick of people telling me time will make it better. I know time will make it better, and Bear really is a wonderful puppy who makes me laugh and smile, but I am so desperately sad without Koby and just don't know how to cope. So I turned to you.......


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## Susan_GSD_mom

Ohhhhh... most of us here have been where you're at. It is never, never easy. The pain takes a long, long time when you lose what we call a "heart dog." You love them all, but there are individuals that just grab you. I lost my first heart dog to cancer. Have loved and lost so many times, but none like him. And now, the boy I have now, a rescue boy, I think has wrapped himself around my heart just as tightly as Shadow, my first heart dog. I am already dreading something that I hope is at least 8-10 years away, but you never know. 

That said, I wouldn't give up one second that I have shared with all the dogs I've had in the past 6+ decades.

Also, I am one who strongly believes in bringing another one, either puppy or rescue, into the home as fast as possible. You are not being disloyal, but you need the distraction to help you get past it, especially the trauma of the loss you suffered. Don't be afraid to love this baby, he needs you now, as much as you need him.

Many hugs, 
Susan


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## My2shepherds

You have been through a traumatic situation not only losing your pup but witnessing the brutal aftermath of the impact, give yourself some time to heal and don't put so many expectations on yourself to "get over it". I lost my boxer of 8 years to a semi-truck (I am assuming from what was left) my son and I found him and it took me over a year to be able to move on and get another dog so I understand how devistating it can be. Incidentally that was the loneliest year and I dreaded going home to an empty house. Whether you moved too soon in getting another pup or not you have one now and he needs you to love him as much as you need to love again. I can tell you eventually you will be able to bond with your new pup but it will be a different love, as it should be. :hug:


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## Daisy&Lucky's Mom

I am so sorry. I can understand having that picture stuck. It is the worst way to lose a beloved furchild. I think its truamatic and recovery can be slow. When we got our first GSD ,Daisy she contracted Parvo and we nearly lost her twice. I had just lost a cousin who was like a sisiter about two months befor I got Daisy. She was my chilld. We had been trying to get pregnant and it was not going to happen and I bonded intensely.I think for having Koby met so many needs and then to lose him so suddenly would be devastating in terms of loss. I think the idea of another animal to love and cherish can be beneficial depending on how you feel. After I lost Daisy 5 months later we brought home twoGSD sisters . Never will anyone replace Daisy but they helped me get through. Take care 
Maggi


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## Mary Jane

People respond to loss differently. For me, your reaction to Koby's death is perfectly understandable. Please don't question your natural grieving, you love him and you will always love him. Give yourself the space to mourn. But while you ache for Koby, please don't forget your baby Bear. He also deserves the devoted attention that you certainly can give. For the record, four years after my dear Wolf died I have never spent a day without missing him. Mr. Mars joined us six weeks after Wolf left. 

take care,
Mary Jane


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## RZZNSTR

This is a horrible loss to be sure. When you have a connection like you apparently did with Koby the pain never stops.... never! I am so sorry that you went through that trumatic experience. Koby's pain is gone! Life throws us curves and one of these curves is how you press on from this. Make it positive and even though bear is not Koby my guess is he'll steal your heart in other ways, you just got to let him. My deepest sympathy!


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## BARBIElovesSAILOR

I know what you are going through, I think a lot of people on here can relate to losing their babies. Maybe not in the same manner... But still a great loss. Im really not sure what to say to make you feel better. 

Sailor wasn't my dog, he was my son, and I too had him die in my arms. I waited 7 months to get a new dog and it was/is still too soon. That just goes to show, had you waited 1 month or 1 year, the pain would still be too great from losing him. On the flip side- The advantage of getting a new dog I have found is that they force you to function even if you just want to cry in bed all day, you have to get up and feed them and walk them. I hope that the image you have in your head can fade out eventually and be replaced with wonderful memories. I'm so sorry you went through this, and just know that we understand and are here to give support. :hugs:


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## wolfy dog

If you feel like you cannot get on top of your grief, it may be helpful to seek out a grief counselor. What you have experienced is deep trauma and that can be difficult to overcome by yourself. Losing an old dog is horrific but you lost a youngster and witnessed something no one ever should have to witness. You were with him in the end. His body was broken but his soul was intact when he left.
I am aching for you and wish you all the strength you need.


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## GatorBytes

From Bear & Koby (in spirit):


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## dmom

Having lost 5 babies, and just as many dogs I can tell you that the pain does lessen. Your memories will be more about the joys that having them brought to your life and less about the pain of losing them. I have been fortunate that I was able to conceive after losing my babies and the ones that survived never replaced those that were lost but brought new joy and a different personality to the family. With my dogs I always felt like opening my heart to let in and love another was the best way that I could honor the one that passed. The strange thing is while they are all different it seems certain quirks have been passed on to each one to let me know they are being guided. Be kind to yourself it is not impossible to grieve for one while you expand your heart to love another.


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## readaboutdogs

I am so sorry for your loss of Koby. From these posts here, know you are not alone in how you feel. Let yourself grieve. It helps, and once wrote on this board, he is worth every tear. I hope you find new and special memories with Bear, each new companion has a special gift of his own to bring into our lives. I think it was very important to me to do something in memory for my boys, that might be of help to you, too. Rest in peace Koby. Peace to you.


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## little_paws

My fiancé and I experienced something very similar. Our puppy, Max, a black lab, had a congenital lung deformity and at 14 months old, passed away due to the severity of the disease. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Max was our baby boy, he slept in our bed, he was spoiled rotten and was our "child", our baby! After his passing, I didn't think I could EVER get past it and get another puppy. I didn't think I would love another puppy as much as I did Max and thought Max was perfect in every way. 8 months later, we picked up our baby girl GSD Kali who was a lot different than Max was as a puppy. But, let me tell you, she is almost 6 months and I would do anything for her like I did Max. She will never be Max and our connection is different as she is a lot more independent and doesn't like to sleep in our bed, but I still have the same strong love I had for Max.

Your pup will grow on you and you will find yourself even feeling guilty at times for loving another puppy, but it goes away with time, I PROMISE! We cremated Max and have his ashes in a nice wooden urn on our nightstand and we also framed his toys, paw print and hair for a keepsake that constantly makes it feel like he is in the house with us. Maybe a thought??

I am so sorry for your loss, but your baby is waiting for you, free of pain!!! He can't wait to see his mommy again!! Try not to compare the two dogs, because they are completely different and just like humans, have completely different personalities. You will find the love you once had with Koby with your new pup. It will be different, but equally strong!!

Arielle


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## llombardo

This seems to be a lot of guilt mixed in with the grief. Accidents happen but I can say I would feel the same way. I would be playing every what if scenario in my mind. You need to get rid of the guilt in order to grieve in order to heal. See someone, scream, yell, cry and get this out of your system before it consumes you. You have to make amends with yourself, stop blaming yourself and love the pup you have right there right now. Good luck to you.


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## Chip18

I am so sorry!!! There are a lot of ways we loose dogs but "sudden" traumatic losses are the worst! You don't have time to come to terms with losing your dog and it can pretty much send your world spinning out of control! 

There is a "huge" difference between the grief we feel when we lose a cherished pet and the soul draining despair we feel when guilt is involved!

I lost my first Boxer/Pit mix Stewie in an accident when I unknowingly put him in a bad situation for which he had not been properly trained! Sept 9/9/2001 at 1:30pm I lost him! 

I buried him in the back yard, in 2003 we moved to NV! I dug up his bones and put them in a box. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him in the ground in another state so far away! He is still in that box in my den! 

I wouldn't tell you how long it took me to get over that loss so many years ago, that would not be helpful.Suffice to say..I "had" to take him with me and I'll let it go at that.

But I can say that if you keep reliving that day over and over again and you feel a soul numbing sadness, then it is way beyond normal grief!

Sudden Traumatic loss can easily equal PTSD! Counseling and medication from a medical doctor can help you to better cope with the loss! 

If after three months it still feels like the loss is fresh?? Then it's time to reach out for help! 

You can PM me if you like.


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## llombardo

Chip18 said:


> I am so sorry!!! There are a lot of ways we loose dogs but "sudden" traumatic losses are the worst! You don't have time to come to terms with losing your dog and it can pretty much send your world spinning out of control!
> 
> There is a "huge" difference between the grief we feel when we lose a cherished pet and the soul draining despair we feel when guilt is involved!
> 
> I lost my first Boxer/Pit mix Stewie in an accident when I unknowingly put him in a bad situation for which he had not been properly trained! Sept 9/9/2001 at 1:30pm I lost him!
> 
> I buried him in the back yard, in 2003 we moved to NV! I dug up his bones and put them in a box. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him in the ground in another state so far away! He is still in that box in my den!
> 
> I wouldn't tell you how long it took me to get over that loss so many years ago, that would not be helpful.Suffice to say..I "had" to take him with me and I'll let it go at that.
> 
> But I can say that if you keep reliving that day over and over again and you feel a soul numbing sadness, then it is way beyond normal grief!
> 
> Sudden Traumatic loss can easily equal PTSD! Counseling and medication from a medical doctor can help you to better cope with the loss!
> 
> If after three months it still feels like the loss is fresh?? Then it's time to reach out for help!
> 
> You can PM me if you like.


I think a big and most likely the hardest part of the process is to acknowledge and accept blame. 

Over 20 years ago the people across the way got a kitten that was deaf and the most beautiful thing. They decided it would be an outdoor cat, I begged my mom to let us take that cat. I was taking a nap and heard commotion, when I looked outside(I was on the 2nd floor)there was that precious cat dead in the street. I was angry, I yelled, I cried. I came to terms with it, but never will I forget what I saw visually.


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## Debanneball

Koby sounds like he was a wonderful boy! When I lost Stella, I shut down completely. A week later my friend came over for coffee..we started looking at puppy pictures, there was an ad..'call it', I called..and thats how Fritz came into my life. The total _exact opposite _ from Stella. 

Bear will bring the happiness back if you let go.. Enjoy him, have fun again. Cherish the memories you had with Koby, make new ones with Bear.. Koby will always have a piece of your heart.

Deb


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## Shade

I don't think we ever get over the loss, it's a chunk of your heart that goes missing. I grew up with dogs, but it was my first personal dog that emotionally killed me when it came time. Having to make that call and knowing it was MY decision was horrible though I know he was in pain and it was the right thing to do.

I still cry when I think about him, he's been gone for almost 4.5 years and last year I had a very vivid dream that he was still alive and I felt his fur and hugged him again and when I woke up I just bawled because I realized it wasn't real. 

I won't say it get easier, but I find myself remembering the good times now. The way he LOVED tennis balls - no other toy would do, his kindness he showed when I would take him to visit nursing homes, even the funny way he'd do this particular sideways glance at me and I'd start laughing because he was just adorable. It still hurts and I have a lump in my throat but I also smile through the tears at moments and that makes me feel a little better

Also I truly believe that I will see him again one day and knowing he's out of pain and waiting for me is a comfort


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## Ruger Monster

So very sorry for your traumatic loss :hugs: It's *never* easy to lose them, regardless of how it happens - old age, illness, young, or very unexpectedly. As hard as it is to believe, the pain will lessen some day, as you make memories with Bear. Koby will always have a place in your heart, with the memories and happiness you shared. 

I lost a cat on 6/20/08 in a similar way - he never went near the road, and always came inside at night. He had 5 acres of land we lived on to explore. When he didn't come in one night, I figured it was unusual, but a beautiful night so maybe he was in the carport in the rafters where he enjoyed hanging out. The next morning, he still wasn't at the door to eat, and my stomach fell, I got cold all over, and couldn't stop worrying. While running an errand to get the permit for our septic & well that morning, my in-laws at the time called my then-husband. His voice dropped, and I burst out crying. I KNEW. They had found Monte, my 11-month-old baby boy, on the side of the road. We assume something chased him out to the road, as he never even showed interest in going that way (the house was about 300 yards from the main road). When I walked into the house, I fell to the floor, screaming his name, choking on the tears. I threw up twice from crying and coughing so hard. My now-ex went to "verify" it was him, and when he came inside there were tears in his eyes. I had to see my baby, even though he didn't want me to. The car had hit his head, and I'll never forget his poor face. I stroked his fur a few times, kissed his rear leg, and let his sister say goodbye to him. I sit here in tears remembering my sweet boy. He had so much life in him. A few days before he died, he brought me a giant dragonfly in from outside - he meowed and meowed until I came over to see what he had, and he placed it at my feet, then looked at me with this beautiful, proud face. Whenever I see a dragonfly, I think of him. I have his ashes in an urn at home.


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## newlie

I can only echo what others have said. My Max did not die in an accident, it was just the destruction of old age, but I had to make the final decision about putting him to sleep. I still wonder if I made the right decision and that was over two years ago. I felt like I was going crazy after he died because I cried every single day, sometimes several times a day. We got Newlie a month after Max died and I knew I would take care of him, but I thought I would never love him the way I did Max. I was wrong. The human heart is infinite in it's capacity for love. To love one dog does not mean you are being disloyal to the other, dogs are not selfish in the way that sometimes humans are.


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## pyratemom

Loss never is easy. I had a dog I loved get hit by a car right in front of me and my daughter. She died in my arms at the vet an hour later. My daughter never got over it. She refuses to give her heart to another dog even though she doesn't hate any of my other ones. It took me a year to get another dog and that was the day my daughter called me from her volunteer day at the shelter and told me that had a whole litter of GSD puppies. I reluctantly went still believing it was my fault I lost Holly. I fell in love with my Pyrate that day when he was 6 weeks old. Of course I had to wait a couple more weeks to have him but he became my heart dog and we were closer than any other dog I had ever had, truly my heart dog. When he crossed to the Rainbow Bridge I was broken. I had a hard time for a long time even though I had a very active Raina at the time. Pyrate still owns a piece of my heart and always will. Raina has grown into a special girl that I love but even with that she can never replace Pyrate. He will always own a piece of my heart forever. I know he walks with me in spirit because sometimes I feel him but that one day I get to see him again at the Rainbow Bridge will be what opens my heart again. So give yourself time. You can't unsee things you have seen but you can compartmentalize them so it doesn't come back so often. Think of the good times, not the end and your memories will eventually concentrate on those good times. Your baby will always walk beside you in spirit until you are ready to meet at the Bridge. :hugs:


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## Nikitta

It is so sad and everyone feels guilt when one of your dogs die. We have all felt that. Give yourself time. /hugs


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## reptilejason

Time heals all wounds... but the scars never disappear. The pain of losing your pup will never vanish, but it will get much easier over time. I lost my GSD to a car in 2007. I still keep her collar around my car's rear view mirror, because she loved riding in cars.


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## vjt555

I always think of myself as a very tough person. I lost my father in February and managed that and his burial by myself. But when my GSD died in April I was devastated and unprepared and I really never expected myself to feel this way. It is a little better now but you need to grieve your dog and also not blame yourself. I blamed myself for Mat's death for giving him a drug even when no blood screening had been undertaken by the vet nor any warning given to me. It does get easier.


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## Jenny720

Im so sorry. I believe our pets who have passed on, guide us to our next pet. I grew up with dogs and we always would get a new dog to love to help ease the pain right away. German shepherd puppies are not the easiest to raise but this can only bring you closer once you both get through the puppy stages. We lost our king charles who to heart failure. She was being treated but was told her time was near as it was hard to believe because she looked so good. Knowing this did not make things any easier when she did pass on. We all took it real hard even our chihuahua who was depressed for awhile. Then came max our gsd pup. My son was resistant at first as he was not ready to open his heart. He eventually warmed up and now plays hide and seek with as soon as comes home from school. It was a rocky transition at first for my kids and husband as a gsd pup is much different then a king charles spaniel and to compare is only normal. I enjoyed the challenge since it kept my mind off bella. He is different then bella but is loved just as much. Relationships take time to grow. It would be good to enroll in puppy classes. Take your puppy out to socialize him and enjoy him. Try to focusing on your puppy and build a bond with him by doing things together. In time you will love him and all his different ways.


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## Daisy&Lucky's Mom

Krisfed Losing a furchild in such a traumatic way is horrible. The loss of a beloved child ,although furry is a huge loss.The other part of of grief is that it often brings back other losses.Maybe talking to a grief counselor might help. The other thing is there is no set time grief is supposed to last but a traumatic loss takes much longer to recover from. 
We almost loss our Daisy as puppy and I was falling apart. We sold stock and took out an emergency loan b/c I could not take one more loss.Im not sure what would have happened. When we did have to let Daisy go ,it will be three years ago next month I was so depressed but I was comforted by how long we had her. That is the difference for you w/ Kody you didnt have any chance to get reaady for the loss and thats really different then how those of us who lost our pups to illness. Traumatic loss makes it very different.I think talking to someone about your feelings and how youve seen yourself change could help you and the counselor decide how to help you .
Take care
Maggi


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## Beni-Blanca

Krisfed-

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby Koby.
I lost my GSD, Blanca (14), to bloat a few months ago. It was sudden and I still feel a deep sense of grief and regret and sadness on a regular basis.

I do think that it would help if the people around you could simply empathize with you and say something like “If you want, I would like to hear about everything you are feeling now”, instead of “time will heal”. We all know time will heal to some extent, but if people can sit with us through our present emotions, it would feel much more accepting. I acknowledge that all those people mean well, but it takes true care to be able to lean into others’ grieving emotions and not feel uneasy about it as most people do.

I can only imagine the degree of trauma Koby’s accident left you with. Even my experience with how my Blanca suffered at the end, was traumatic. Seeing our loved ones suffer causes one of the greatest emotional pain. I only have my deepest sympathy for you, and I hope Koby and you can reunite one day.

There is one thing I have not read anyone else post so I want to write it here. I hope you know I am 100% on your side. But I want to also be on Koby’s side when I say that: Please do what you can to protect your beloved dog from being able to freely go to areas where he/she may encounter traffic. If there is one actionable thing you can do from this, it is to minimize the chances of this happening again. Dogs can be unpredictable just as people and situations can. These are out of our control. One thing we can control is to set up an environment where even if our beloved dog who does not usually venture that far, decides to do so, there is some measure in place so they will be protected from vehicles. Of course, we cannot foresee every risk, but we can do our best to mitigate the ones we know, and I include myself in this learning experience.

I hope that you can give your full affection to your new family member because they are their own entity, character, and deserve every love they can get. Remember it’s always our decision when it comes to the lives of our furry friends. You are the one who decided to put them in your home. Their fate is in your hands, they rely on you 100%. And you can make a new loving room in your heart for them, and keep your Koby’s room safely locked and cherished for the rest of your life.

For our intelligent, loving, majestic and sweet companions ie GSDs


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## GatorBytes

@Beni-Blanca this post is over 5 yrs old.


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