# losing my mind



## Bridget (Apr 5, 2004)

I WASN'T GOING TO DO THIS. We had Heidi put to sleep yesterday. I was going to be an adult, keep some dignity, as Heidi would want me to. I was going to celebrate her life and go forward. But these things never go as expected do they? I am going to ramble here, please forgive me. In the part of my mind that is still working, I know everyone who loves a dog goes through this, that I am not special. But afterward, I couldn't see how the world could go on as before; didn't anyone realize it had just stopped? Heidi had a good, long life. I knew this was coming since the day we brought her home, and I've known after 13 years that it was coming soon for a good long while. She had a good, long life. I was as prepared as you can be, or so I thought. We picked what I believe to be the best time. I have other dogs who need me. I can't even find anything to feel really guilty about, try as I might. But here's the thing...I see her everywhere. I could barely stand to take a bath because Heidi would always come and check on me. She was always checking on me. Heidi has been everywhere with me, so there is nowhere I can go that I won't remember and think of her. It sounds so stupid, but I didn't want to vacuum today because I didn't want to pick up the last of Heidi's fur. I don't know whether to pick up her things and put them away or not. I don't know what to do with myself now. I thought life would be easier when I didn't have the feeding regimen (feeding was a BIG DEAL, but now I just put the food down and they eat), Heidi's medications, making sure she had everything she needed, taking care of all of her little health problems, etc. But now I find that I did actually enjoy those things and I don't know what to do with myself. My husband took yesterday off, but today he had work to do and had to go back to normal life. Which is probably good, because possibly I needed to be alone to get all this out. I don't know how I can face each day knowing that she won't be home to greet me. On Monday, back to work to face all the "people with dogs but not dog people" if anyone knows what I mean. They will be really nice about it for one day, but then expect that I'll get over it. I don't intend to be critical, it's just that they are different types than most of us. I guess the "us" is what I needed just now. If anyone has had the tenacity to read this rambling post, thanks; if not, can't blame you. Any suggestions are welcome.


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## Debanneball (Aug 28, 2014)

Cherish the memories...I am sorry you are going through this. I know its hard, we have all been there, done that, and will do it again I am sure. Ramble on as much as you want, the forum members are here for you and Heidi.


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## glowingtoadfly (Feb 28, 2014)

I'm so sorry.


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## JeanKBBMMMAAN (May 11, 2005)

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say - it's a form of caregiver stress on top of the grief - all that time where you've been doing for her - seems so much bigger, emptier, because of the love. 

I always say I wish all dogs were grieved for in this way. It's harder on the person, but what a lovely tribute to her spirit. Someday soon you'll be able to think of the happy times with her. 

I like to read the poems that others have written. Pet loss poems gives a lot of results and these are my two favorites. 

Please take care. 
*
Separate Lifetimes*

We who choose to surround ourselves
with lives even more temporary than our
own, live within a fragile circle;
easily and often breached.
Unable to accept its awful gaps,
we would still live no other way.
We cherish memory as the only
certain immortality, never fully
understanding the necessary plan.... 

--- Irving Townsend ---
"The Once Again Prince"

*A Poem for The Grieving...*

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die...

-Author Unknown


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## Emoore (Oct 9, 2002)

Ah Bridget. . . . I know how you feel. I have been there before and will be there again soon. I remember exactly what you're talking about with not wanting to vacuum up the last of the fur, not wanting to deal with co-workers who don't understand that kind of grief over a dog. It's weird how it's socially acceptable to grieve over a human that we saw a few times a year but not the dog that slept in our bed for over a decade. You have friends here who understand and share your pain.


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## llombardo (Dec 11, 2011)

You don't have to vacuum or pick her things up today, tomorrow or even next week. You can do all that stuff when you are ready. She might not be with you physically, but she is always with you in your heart.


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## dogfaeries (Feb 22, 2010)

It's hard. It's really hard. I'm so sorry. 

When I lost my wonderful old Doberman Tessa, I didn't want to clean the nose prints off of the storm door, or on the windows in my car. I still call one of my GSDs by her name every once in a while. It's just going to you take some time to adjust. It literally took me 3 years to stop getting all teary eyed every time I saw a red Doberman. In fact, after Tess died, I just couldn't go get another Dobe, so I ended up getting a GSD (my Carly). It wasn't all roses and sunshine with Tess. She had spay incontinence, and it got REALLY bad when she was old. Washing tons of dog blankets and towels every single day, covering the furniture with waterproof mattress covers. Life is much easier without that mess, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat, because she was worth it. 

Hang in there. If you need to come here and talk about Heidi, then do it. We all understand.


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## maxtmill (Dec 28, 2010)

I am SO sorry for your loss! Yes, there is a world of difference between "pet owners" and dog lovers! I lost my heart dog the first week of December unexpectedly, so I can empathize! SO sorry!


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## Christieb24 (Nov 11, 2014)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I waited a long time after my Sammie died before I even considered another dog. To be honest I didn't know if I could go through it again and I still don't but the love and devotion they give you is so worth the heartache when they leave. Try to remember the fun times, I'm sure there were many and like llombardo said you don't have to vacuum or clean anything up right away, wait till you are ready, at your own pace. (((Hugs))) take care of yourself.


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## shepherdmom (Dec 24, 2011)

So sorry for your loss. My only suggestion is to not tell co-workers. If they ask whats wrong I just say family issues and leave it at that. That way you don't get all the fake sympathy that just makes you want to punch someone.


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## Augustine (Nov 22, 2014)

That's exactly how I felt when I lost my cat, Lucky. She was my childhood pet, too - I had her since she was born, and this year she would have been 10 years old. When we lost her, I kept thinking of every little thing that reminded me of her. I tried to stop thinking about it, but I just couldn't. I cried and I mourned but it took time before it finally started getting better.

I tried to think of it this way; she didn't like it when I was sad. People can say what they want about animals being "below" humans and being "incapable" of feeling or sensing things like we do, but she was always one smart cookie. She knew when I was feeling down and always came to snuggle with me.

So, I tried to keep on a happy face. Get up, go about my day as normally as possible, spend time with her little sister, Scamps.. 

It wasn't easy. We lost her recently and I still think of her every day. Still wish she hadn't been ripped from our home so cruelly, wished she didn't die before her time.. but I have all of my memories of her. The pictures, the videos, everything. Sometimes I'll just sit and look at them and remember all of the good parts of her life. All of the time she spent with us.


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## katdog5911 (Sep 24, 2011)

This has to be one of the most difficult things to do. There are no words to describe how hard it is. I have had "pets" before when I was a lot younger and of course mourned them when they passed, but life went on. And then there were/are the dogs that became part of me. I have an 11 1/2 yr old newfie x and I know he won't be around forever. It is just soooo hard. You can never be prepared.

Sooooo sorry for you. Don't think of it as good bye. Think of it as "auf wiedershen".....till we meet again.


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

Jenna and Babs are nine. So Arwen would be 13 now, and she was almost nine when she died. I still think of her every day. Almost every day. She comes up all the time. Of course, I have her progeny, so I can say, "oh she does that just like Arwen," and such things. But I enjoy remembering now mostly things about her. She was special, and if there was no pain at her passing, how terribly sad that would be. Truly. 

I am sorry for your loss. But, it is very "adult" to understand deeply what the passing means. What a life together is now beyond that, and how all those little things that made her who she was to you, are lost to you, or now relegated to memories. 

Please don't be harsh to work-mates. How I am, work is no place to be weepy. And if someone tries to be kind about something like that, it is harder for me to not be teary eyed. I prefer them to just not say anything, so I can avoid some awkwardness at work. Family is a different story though. I let my family know me more than work people, and they know it will take a little time to bounce back. And they too will often grieve for the critter, even though they do not live with them. 

Right now it is all too raw, but I find good therapy is to go through the pictures, and pick out the ones that show what made the dog herself, and pictures that marked some milestone or something that provided a fun or special moment. Pull them out and put them together as a celebration of her life. 

13 years do not go away overnight. Don't pound on yourself for feeling bad about it. It certainly does not mean you didn't do the right thing.


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## Bridget (Apr 5, 2004)

Thank you for all your kind words. It is enormously helpful to me, the suggestions, advice and most of all the I know how you feel. The poems are really beautiful. My sympathies are with everyone else who has lost a pet, recently or not. The pet loss support pages have been helpful also today (thanks Jean). Heidi and I were so lucky to have so much time. But I find that even that comes with its own difficulty, in that I feel sort of selfish to mourn so when so many animals were abused or had early or traumatic ends. I do not think I will pick up her things, not yet. The carpet had to be vacuumed, as I had sprinkled so much baking soda on it for the smell from Heidi's accidents that it was starting to resembled Tony Montana's desk! 

I used to group people as "animal" and "non-animal" people, but I have discovered that there truly is a fringe group that keeps dogs, but they are peripheral in their lives. They aren't bad people necessarily, but they also don't really "get it" because they are absolutely human-oriented. Not talking about it at work would have been an excellent idea, but my boss and one co-worker whom I had to tell to get the two days off will have told anyone who would listen. They are great, don't get me wrong, but very "chatty."


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## Bridget (Apr 5, 2004)

Sue, I do know what you mean. I also think that work is no place for emotions.

To be fair, people often mean well, but don't know what to say and then what they do say comes out sounding insensitive or stupid. I've almost certainly done it myself. By Monday, I believe I will be better anyhow. The hardest part is all the "firsts" just like when you lose a human. I really dread coming home for lunch, as Heidi was always waiting for me in the recliner. She used to greet me at the door, but as she got older, didn't get down, but was always facing the doorway, smiling at me. After Monday, it will probably get easier.


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## llombardo (Dec 11, 2011)

When I had to put my lab to sleep, I called work to let them know. I wasn't thinking if I would take the day off or go in late. When I told my boss what was going on, he said to me...so are you taking tomorrow off too? At that moment I felt he knew me better then I knew myself. When I went back to work, every now and then I would just start crying. They let me have that moment--multiple times. They were all a strong support system for me. I'm in a different office now, same company and they all know how I feel about my dogs. In fact when I read the OP's first post I mentioned it and I was all choked up. My Misty is 10 and I try not to think about it I have a few that are close in age and I know I'm in for a world of heart ache, but I focus on now and I love them with everything I got. I don't get angry if they chew something or get into to stuff--I put that in my memory bank and take a picture. They are gone way to soon and anything they destroy can be replaced, they can't.


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## readaboutdogs (Jul 8, 2001)

I'm so sorry for your loss of Heidi. It is still very hard no matter how "prepared" you may be. The emptiness, the void is very real and until you are there, it's just not something you can comprehend in advance. And the silence. I too felt like no one really understood just how much i really loved my boys. How much they meant to me. I didn't want to see their fur disappear bit by bit either. But then I thought after 12 and half years, there will probably always be a Cody or Clipper hair somewhere!!! Painted into the walls or something!!! It's been over 2 years for Cody, but I still have days I cry for him and Clipper. I feel their presence sometimes still. It dawned on me a day or two after Cody died how much the song "bridge over troubled water" conveyed so much what they were to me!!! I hope you listen to it some time and see if you might also see that in Heidi. I made a memory garden for them and planted a climbing yellow rose, for what the yellow rose means and they were such a bright spot and era of my life. Their ashes are in my bedroom, they slept there too, resting on their nite nite blanket, side by side, as they were in life!!! Peace to you and your family. Rest in peace Heidi.


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## Jake and Elwood (Feb 1, 2014)

My heart breaks for you tonight. As I read your post the waterworks began…..I am mourning my sweet Apache (lost him 6 years ago) and I'm also mourning my two 19-year old cats. I know they don't have much time left with us and I know it will break our hearts to lose them. In addition, I already mourn the loss of our 6-month old puppies…..the time will come too soon. Don't worry about vacuuming up Heidi's hair….I'll bet you'll continue to find it for years…..in a pair of shoes or on a fleece jacket, etc. And those little surprises will lift your spirit and make you smile. We all know how devastated you are right now and we are sending hugs to you tonight. The memories will NOT fade but the pain will eventually lessen.


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## SkoobyDoo (Oct 7, 2014)

Bridget said:


> It sounds so stupid, but I didn't want to vacuum today because I didn't want to pick up the last of Heidi's fur.


I am so very sorry. This made me


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## wolfy dog (Aug 1, 2012)

When I was in my twenties I had to go back to work with swollen red eyes because my favorite guinea pig had died that morning. I felt too embarrassed to tell any one. No matter how small or big, dog, cat or any other pet, if you love them you mourn them when they are gone.


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## middleofnowhere (Dec 20, 2000)

I've called in sick for a day or more when I dealt with the death of an animal.


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## lorihd (Nov 30, 2011)

so sorry for your loss, I remember not vacuuming the spot where my sasha would lay, so I could bend down and smell her, I always loved the way she smelled. my heart goes out to you, big hugs, lori


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## McWeagle (Apr 23, 2014)

I'm so sorry. There are no words. Feel free to vent here when you need to. We understand.


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## Moriah (May 20, 2014)

I am so very sorry for your loss. 

While gardening a few years ago, my daughter accidentally dug up the collar of a dear dog who had passed 7 years before and we had a ceremony at the time to bury his collar. We were both fine until my daughter jingled his dug-up collar with the tags. Upon hearing "his sound" we both promptly burst into tears.

A dear pet will always be near our hearts. Treasure the memories. Be gentle with yourself. Take care.


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## JoanMcM (Dec 5, 2013)

Bridget, Know that you are not alone and a lot of other folks feel the same. You are in thoughts and prayers tonight.

Every day will get a tiny bit easier. Eventually the pain will be almost gone, and only the good memories will remain to fill up it's space.


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