# Heartbroken...don't know if I can do this again



## Chicagocanine

I wasn't sure if this was the right section to post this but wasn't sure where would be right so I am putting it here. Actually I wasn't even sure if I should post it at all, I haven't talked about this but I wanted to get it out.
I almost lost Bianca ~3 weeks ago to internal bleeding, she had emergency surgery, they found growths on her spleen (which was removed) and liver and after biopsies she was diagnosed with hemangiosarcoma (if anyone hasn't read the thread and wants to here's the link: http://www.germanshepherds.com/foru...ving-spleen-mass-removal-surgery-tonight.html ). She is recovered from surgery and doing pretty well at the moment. When I found out, I was devastated... Bianca is only 8 years old, and I've only had her for about 3 and a half years; I never expected to be dealing with something like this so soon and I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with it.

I lost my two senior dogs to cancer in 2008, within 3 months of each other, and I got Bianca a few months later after losing my heart dog Ginger my Golden Retriever. The experience of losing them both was very hard, I basically did hospice care for Pooch my Rat Terrier mix who had lung cancer, he could not do chemo due to a heart murmur, and then about 2 months later I found out what our vet had thought was a skin infection Ginger had turned out to be cutaneous lymphoma. She went downhill very fast. They were both much older than Bianca though, 14 and 12, it seems so unfair for her to have this happen so young...
I am mentioning this to give an idea of where I was coming from when I found out Bianca's diagnosis... I had a lot of trouble accepting it and wasn't sure I could handle going through this again so soon. I also just lost my 17+ year old cat in April, after having done a lot of "nursing" care with her for a long time (she had kidney disease but then at the end we think she developed heart failure.)

One of the things I started thinking about, is the reason I wrote this post: I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't know if I can get another dog after Bianca and go through this heartbreak again... If I do, I am not sure about getting another GSD again... GSDs were always my favorites and I had wanted one for many years, and Bianca was finally that GSD I had always wanted...although she was not exactly what I had been expecting to get, I was happy... I expected I would have more Shepherds after her. Even though I knew that GSDs were prone to cancer and other health problems, I guess the reality of it, and reading all the other stories of people who went through hemangiosarcoma with their GSDs is getting to me.


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## Freestep

I think all of us have gone through this at some point. Try not to think about it too much, because your feelings and thoughts may change with time.


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## Elaine

I've put down 7 dogs, 4 cats, and a parrot, and it doesn't get any easier with time. As much as it hurts to do this, I can't imagine my life without a dog or two in it.

The best thing to do if and when you choose to get another one, is to get a pup from a reputable breeder to increase your chance of getting a long term healthy dog.


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## llombardo

The losses are hard, but the memories are wonderful. They all came into your life for a reason


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## Magwart

Here's the thing about dogs: the joy and tears basically exist on a great, cosmic scale. 

You get the joy piling up on one side of the scale throughout their lives, and it's _wonderful. _Then all at once, at the end of their lives, you get all the tears on the other side. Then the scale starts to tip.

It sounds like you've had a lot of tears, for a number of animals, lately. That's so hard. It's so fresh, and so painful. The joy feels like it was long ago, and so very, very far away.

If you can find it in your heart to go and dig through that old, stale pile of joy that accumulated in the past and remember it, it's so precious and wonderful. I've had my heart ripped out by this very disease you are now fighting, and as bad as the end was, my joy-pile still outweighs my sadness-pile for that dog by huge margin.

I was fostering a young pup when my old girl passed away, and I ended up keeping that pup because she brought me back from the darkness of the grief. She started piling the joy back on the good side of my scale. I am so grateful she came into our life when she did. I hope there is a new four-legged angel to ease your pain someday too.


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## shepherdmom

Here is the thing, it is heartbreaking and horrible that we outlive our best friends. However the question you have to ask yourself is can you live without them? I see where someone recommends a breeder to give yourself a better chance of having longer with them. I don't know if that would really make a difference. I had 3 dogs from the same breeder. One died young due to a tick illness, one got DM at 9 and we lost him last November. The third one is still going strong at 10. Same genetics but a huge range of lifespan. For me saving a rescue makes me feel good so that is the way I'm going for now. I know I'm not going to have near enough time with them so I just try to enjoy every min I can and I've learned to take a ton of pictures.


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## doggiedad

life and death. that is the cycle. i'll
never be without because of it.


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## JakodaCD OA

I agree with all of the above, espec Elaine, I have never lived "without" a dog(s) in my life, no matter how heartbreaking illness/death are, I just can't see me without atleast one.

I've never had an animal with cancer, which I imagine can be totally devastating especially when they are in their younger/prime years.

While it's 'killed' me to lose the 4 gsd's I've had in adulthood (and many when I was younger at home),,having other dogs at the same time, has always given me strength to go on and they always bring a smile back to my face.

Having had the pleasure of them in my life outweighs the loss thats bittersweet.


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## JeanKBBMMMAAN

* “We who choose to surround ourselves
with lives even more temporary than our
own, live within a fragile circle;
easily and often breached.
Unable to accept its awful gaps,
we would still live no other way.
We cherish memory as the only
certain immortality, never fully
understanding the necessary plan.” *


― Irving Townsend

:hug:


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## NancyJ

I think the pain in my life allows me to celebrate moments of joy at a much deeper level. I believe is part of our destiny. I can't imagine life without the joy brought by my four legged friends.

I don't know that GSDs are any worse than any other breed. I think that all dogs are showling the results of growing amounts of toxins than we are because they live such a relatively short life.

It doesn't make it any easier I know. Hang in there and enjoy your remaining time together.


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## carmspack

Jocoyn this is exactly what my vet friend said yesterday !!! "I think that all dogs are showling the results of growing amounts of toxins than we are because they live such a relatively short life." , something I mentioned in the morning vomitting thread by Sunflowers.

Vet also said we don't know how sensitive some dogs may be to energy emitted from cell towers and , is it wi-fi? . She said some dogs start to exhibit anxiety and stress when entering zones . I am not a tech person whatsoever so explaining it rather poorly.

Loosing a dog -- you know , many times I have had someone say , oh well you have so many (I don't but I do have more than one or two) and so they think I don't miss, mourn the loss of a dog , that I don't have attachments , which is so wrong , especially when those pups have been born into my hands . One year I had three go in succession only because they were of similar age -- three old favourites ranging from 10 1/2 to 13 years . I was blue for a long long time. No breeding . Swore I could not do this again . Too hard. Another thing I am finding is that the older you get time begins to have a warped effect . That ten or more years that is behind you feels like it pounced on you, not dragged on and on, feels very short and immediate . Feels like your losses are accelerated. Geez thinking of it makes me well up -- and then you look at the future - that young fresh face , child or pup and you throw yourself into it with passion and excitement and you ensure that they turn out well , and for pups that there are more of them, that kind , that go out and make someone else happy, benefit some greater cause.
That is how you get through it .


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## Shade

I've always grown up around animals: dogs, cats, birds, fish, and rodents.

It hurts very badly when we lose one, the grief can seem unbearable. Personally I deal with it by crying (a LOT), focusing on my other animals, and eventually getting a new one to replace the lost one. I really like the two cat/two dogs pack and probably will stick with that 

Unfortunately it's the circle of life, you can't have happiness without sadness


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## middleofnowhere

Each of my dogs have taken a piece of me when they died. However, the joy of sharing their lives out weighed that pain many, many times over. Chances always are that the dog will die before you do, (there is little fair in nature), it will hurt. When the pain outweighs the joy, then maybe you don't want to do this again. Maybe you don't want another dog. 
Personally, I cannot imagine life without a dog. Ever.
Can you imagine your life without a dog?
If you can and if you like that -- bottom line - it is OK to not get another dog. This is an individual decision.


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## RocketDog

The only way to avoid scars on your heart is to never allow it to love. Each time I've lost a dog, it's devastated me for days. The scars are deep, long, and jagged; but what a varied landscape my heart now is with them. I prefer that to the smooth shiny surface of a unloved and unused heart. 

I lost my last dog to hemiangiosarcoma (sp?) I'm sorry that she is dealing with this so young. My thoughts are with you. 

As for in the future--if your life becomes such that it precludes a pet for other reasons, so be it. I would encourage you to not miss out on the love of another just to avoid the pain, but it is in the end a personal choice.


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## Cassidy's Mom

After Sneaker, our first GSD together, lived to 14-1/2 years old, we lost two in a row at 4 years old. It sucked, and we still think about, miss, and cry over those that we lost too soon. 

Dena would have been 8 years old on September 12th, but instead she's been gone for almost 4 years.  At one point, I think it was after we had to put Cassidy to sleep after fighting her discospondylitis for over a year and a half, my husband said he didn't think he could do it again, at least not with a GSD. But I knew that he (and I) would ache every time we saw one. They have always been and will always be my breed. There was no question that the house would be too quiet and empty without a dog at all, but I didn't think either of us would be satisfied if we didn't get another GSD, so we did. 

Each time I lose a dog that I loved deeply I'm sure that I'll never love another one as much. And yet, each time I do. Getting Dena 5 weeks after losing Cassidy helped us heal from her loss more than anything else ever could have. When we got Halo I wasn't sure I was ready for a puppy yet, our grief for Dena was still pretty raw and we hadn't planned on looking for a few more months, but there was something about her pictures that drew me, and then hearing about her personality from people who had met her sealed the deal. And guess what? She is her own unique individual, but we love her just as intensely as all our previous dogs who are gone.

While I totally understand your feelings right now, I do hope that you don't close your heart to the idea of loving another shepherd, and that at some point you'll feel ready to try again.


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## msvette2u

It's a foster dog but...we had Holly as a "hospice foster" for 6mos, what was meant to be a 1 week stay before that final vet visit.
Almost every day I'd walk into my room, see her lying still on her bed and wonder if "this was it". Then I'd watch a few moments and no, she was okay, just sleeping soundly like only a deaf dog can do.

Well, last night one of our senior fosters was lying very still on the floor and I had a sudden "it this IT??" and then saw her chest rise and fall. She's deaf too so sleeps deeply and soundly. 
I thought, GEEZ, it's another Holly! I hated that part worst...wishing in a way they'd go silently in their sleep, but being terrified of finding them that way.

But I'd still do it again. I will always have a senior/hospice foster because...well...there's nowhere else for them to be. 

Jean's quote said it best...

And when I lost Copper to Cushing's (my own dog) I didn't think I'd want another Dachshund (prone to Cushing's) but then I met Tristan and he's now my dog for over 4yrs. now and going strong. 

I'd never want to live without a GSD in my life either, but I believe the deeper in love you are with your pet, the more it hurts.
Your pain is a testament to how much you love your dog. 

Don't worry about the long term...live like your dog would, just cherish what is here now, and appreciate _this_ moment.


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## Nikitta

It never gets any easier. I have had to make the decision to many times. But I always get another dog. I can't live without their unconditional love. and I can't ever get a different breed then a german shepherd.


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## Chicagocanine

That is a good point as I can't really imagine not having a dog, but I just don't know if I can handle going through this over and over... I have not been without a dog completely (if you include fosters) since I was a teenager when my family's 16 year old dog died. 5 months later is when I found Ginger...
Ginger was my heart dog, and I couldn't even look at another Golden for a long time after she died. When I petted another Golden months later I teared up and almost started crying right there... Although before I got Ginger I never was interested in the breed, I did love them after I got to know her and others, they are special dogs although I had wanted something different for my next dog. I didn't go through the same thing when I lost her though for some reason. Although I did decide I couldn't deal with adopting an older dog, and that I never wanted two dogs so close together in age... I was fostering a dog when I lost her though, because I had been looking to get another "second dog" after I lost Pooch, to be with Ginger. I had also already been in contact with Bianca's owner before that, and then a while after Ginger died I got back in touch with her, and found out Bianca was still available. I got Bianca a few months after I lost Ginger but I had trouble bonding with Bianca so I thought it may have been too soon really. 



Elaine said:


> The best thing to do if and when you choose to get another one, is to get a pup from a reputable breeder to increase your chance of getting a long term healthy dog.


That was what I did with Bianca though, except that I got her as an adult...she was supposed to be from good/healthy lines, she was OFA'd before I got her, etc... So I thought I was increasing the chances of a long and healthy life but it didn't work out that way (although except for food allergies she'd been pretty healthy before now.)


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## Daisy&Lucky's Mom

I wonder often at how badly it hurts and w/ each animal Ive loved and lost I realize a little earlier and quicker that the pain will eventually be there again. Daisy was the first who was mine who shared my life daily for 12 and half years. Having the chance to seen her grow, mature and then age was wonderful and sad. My memories are great and precious. I however find Lucky and my relationship changing and he is dearer to me then he has ever been. Having had three and then two dogs it is the first time w/ only one dog. I find I need a dog in my life as they give me unconditionsal love and acceptance and I am a sucker for the OMG your back kind of love. I have to agree w/ Carmspack ,the older I get the more the loss seems to cost but Im waiting to find the dog who will take me on my next adventure and see what our relationship will be. I think loss costs and you can only go forward when your ready and ready can mean different things for everyone. My prayers for you and your girl. Take care. 

PS Jean's poem is incredibly sad ,beautiful and true.
Maggi


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## Debbieg

It is heart breaking each time we go through it and yet I am glad it is me who suffers the loss and not my dog grieving over me. I am careful to have my dogs have a bond with the family member who will take them if they outlive me.

Eli was 8 when he suddenly died of hemangiosarcoma. I had not heard of this cancer until then. Eli had been my rock and my pillow, my constant during my own battle with cancer I never even got to say good bye, I let him in the back yard, went to church, came home and he was dead under the tree. He died all alone.
He had shown no signs if being sick, except losing a little weight and eating less, but he always did that when the weather turned warm. 

I went to Eli's breeder and got Benny, just 5 days after Eli died. I needed a pup to give me a reason to get up and keep going. For me getting a pup right away was the right thing, but going to the same breeder was an emotional reaction, not wise. I took comfort in knowing Benny's great grandmother was Eli's Grandmother, but now it terrifies me because Benny's mother died this past year of cancer at only 7.5. I am doing my best to keep him healthy, giving him a happy life and hoping for many days. I don't know how many days we will have, but I do know I will make them good days


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## lorihd

i think what magwart said was beautiful. im from the mind set that no house is really a home without a fourlegged fur baby. You are going through a lot of loss right now, so when the time is right, you will bring that fur baby in your house, and make it feel like home again. BIG HUGS to you, hang in there, lori.


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## blackshep

I'm so sorry for your loss. I felt that way after losing a special cat at a young age last year.

The truth is, not having another animal made me miss him all the more. My place felt so empty.

What about fostering? That might be a good solution until you can figure out what you want to do. It would be hard to let them go as they were adopted out, but bittersweet, because you know they are going to a good loving home, and you'd be keeping an animal out of a shelter.

((hugs))

ETA: I know you may not be ready for another dog right now, but I hope you will keep your heart open for when your next angel is looking for you. Sometimes they find you, when you least expect it. <3


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## PhatHawk

I feel what you are going thru. I lost Raven last October due to congestive heart failure, after a battle with adisons disease. I find solace, knowing she had a great home and her entire family she grew old with, was with her at the end. It's been a year and I still think each day when I get home from work ( if only for a split second) that she is still there waiting. It use to really hurt, but now I enjoy that feeling and hope it never goes away completely. I've waited to get another for many reasons. Our pets really do find a place in our hearts and as a pervious post said so well, they do add so much to our lives on the plus side.


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## Jenna&Me

I understand entirely where you are coming from.

When Miki was diagnosed with diskospondilytis it was devastating. She was a very difficult puppy but at nearly 4 had mellowed alot and was a joy to have around.

She did not respond to treatment, the meds made her so sick the vet took her off them. Within a week she had gone so far downhill I knew what the end would be. So many tears and so much pain, I still cry for her. I felt like I was being ripped in two and the thought of going through that again was just too much. I have not had to have another pet euthanised and I felt like a murderer. Still do. She would have been 4 on Father's Day. 

I'd see shepherds around though and just want to wrap my arms around them. I now have Jenna who is 10 weeks old today. She has brought back the joy and the laughter to our home. The pain for Miki will always be there but I would live that time with her over again even knowing the outcome. She gave us so much love and we made her life happy by giving her love in return.


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