# Penny my beloved



## Jessica Gertig Cooper (Dec 3, 2019)

I am laying here tonight crying so hard. It's almost 2 am and tonight I just can't stop the aching from the loss.

I lost my beloved Penny ten days ago. I knew the time would come, but I thought I would have a year or two more. One week you were loving life, walking a new trail, then I woke up and something wasn't right. We got x-rays and a ultrasound and before I knew it the vet was talking in circles ... not coming out and saying it, a death sentence, probable hemangiosarcoma. When I finally understood I couldn't believe it, I looked feverishly through the night for something to help ... I found something possible for helping with the bleed but it was too late. The next night I slept on the floor near you and I woke every hour but it was too late, it had gotten worse and I knew you deserved a peaceful ending. I prayed for strength so I could be calm and comforting and I held you until the last. Then the whole clinic could hear my anguish.

You always wanted to be with me and you loved to play. I remember watching you zooming through puddles for the sheer joy of it. I remember so many good times but also so many times I could have given you more time, more attention. You are my first love. My family knew I would grind to a halt without you, my reason for getting out of bed, for going on walks, and my mind constantly making sure I knew where you were, never far. I couldn't face going to bed and waking up without you there. I couldn't think of taking a walk alone. I didn't deserve you, but I loved you fiercely. I have put away all your meds. But I still have you as the background on my phone. I don't know if I can vacuum the bedroom. The once hated dog hair now feels like something to never clean away. 

Some people thought you stank, but I loved to bury my face in in your fur and wrap my arms around you and breathe it in just for a moment. The smell of you always gave me comfort and gave me warm fuzzy feelings. 

Boy did you love a car ride, but you loved a walk even more. I remember we'd go for our long Saturday walk and then I would go to McDonalds and get you a large water and you drank straight from the cup and then I'd let you lick my icecream cone a few times before I ate it.

I dream of you. All the time.

I talk to you. I pray that pets go to heaven because I can't stand the thought of you not waiting there for me.

I love you more than I thought possible.

I miss you every day.

Penny a.k.a Penelope
April 9, 2007 to December 4, 2019


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## Dunkirk (May 7, 2015)

I'm so very, very sorry for your lost. You have my deepest sympathies.


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## January (Sep 15, 2019)

So sorry for your loss ?


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## tc68 (May 31, 2006)

That was very touching. I had tears in my eyes. So sorry for your loss.


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## car2ner (Apr 9, 2014)

a beautiful way to remember a lost friend, but though to read through misty eyes.


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## Jessica Gertig Cooper (Dec 3, 2019)

Thankyou, I was just so overwhelmed last night. I've been repressing the whole 'event'. Writing it out helped.


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## sitstay (Jan 20, 2003)

I am so very sorry for your loss.
Sheilah


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## tc68 (May 31, 2006)

Jessica Gertig Cooper said:


> Thankyou, I was just so overwhelmed last night. I've been repressing the whole 'event'. Writing it out helped.


Tomorrow (Dec 16th) will be the 2 year anniversary of losing my first GSD. And I wrote something very similar to what you wrote above. It was my "love" letter to my dog and his life with me. I completely agree with you. Writing it out helped a lot. It was very cathartic. Some day: 10, 15, 20 years down the road, I may take it out and read it...but right now, it's still too raw for me.

By the way...I'm in other GSD forums and it seems like a lot of GSDs are gone this time of the year. Anyone else notice that? It's strange.


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## dogfaeries (Feb 22, 2010)

I’m so so sorry.


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## Jessica Gertig Cooper (Dec 3, 2019)

My mother picked up Penny's ashes for me and I've been able to look at the bag with the box in it straight on a couple times, yesterday I looked in the bag and retreated. For now the bag is safe in a corner and I don't know when I will be ready to take the box out and hold it. For now I avoid looking at it. Its so raw. It feels so final. I honestly have not lost a very close loved one and right now I don't know how people can go through with a funeral and all that just 3 or 4 days after losing someone. I know people have to, I just don't know how.


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## Jessica Gertig Cooper (Dec 3, 2019)

To tc68, thank you for sharing ... so many seem to be grieving now. This forum and people like you are a blessing because I don't feel I have to hide or downplay my grief and pain.


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## Kathrynil (Dec 2, 2019)

I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your dog Penny.


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## pmichelletto (Nov 12, 2015)

Jessica Gertig Cooper said:


> I am laying here tonight crying so hard. It's almost 2 am and tonight I just can't stop the aching from the loss.
> 
> I lost my beloved Penny ten days ago. I knew the time would come, but I thought I would have a year or two more. One week you were loving life, walking a new trail, then I woke up and something wasn't right. We got x-rays and a ultrasound and before I knew it the vet was talking in circles ... not coming out and saying it, a death sentence, probable hemangiosarcoma. When I finally understood I couldn't believe it, I looked feverishly through the night for something to help ... I found something possible for helping with the bleed but it was too late. The next night I slept on the floor near you and I woke every hour but it was too late, it had gotten worse and I knew you deserved a peaceful ending. I prayed for strength so I could be calm and comforting and I held you until the last. Then the whole clinic could hear my anguish.
> 
> ...


Im so very sorry  RIP Penny ??


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## rabsparks (May 11, 2013)

Jessica Gertig Cooper said:


> I am laying here tonight crying so hard. It's almost 2 am and tonight I just can't stop the aching from the loss.
> 
> I lost my beloved Penny ten days ago. I knew the time would come, but I thought I would have a year or two more. One week you were loving life, walking a new trail, then I woke up and something wasn't right. We got x-rays and a ultrasound and before I knew it the vet was talking in circles ... not coming out and saying it, a death sentence, probable hemangiosarcoma. When I finally understood I couldn't believe it, I looked feverishly through the night for something to help ... I found something possible for helping with the bleed but it was too late. The next night I slept on the floor near you and I woke every hour but it was too late, it had gotten worse and I knew you deserved a peaceful ending. I prayed for strength so I could be calm and comforting and I held you until the last. Then the whole clinic could hear my anguish.
> 
> ...


I know how you are feeling. Over my 70+ years, I've lost three of my shepherds to hemangiosarcoma and one to squamous cell carcinoma. Losing each GSD breaks my heart in their own way. 

You might want to visit https://www.dogquotations. This is a web site where dog owners can write whatever they're feeling in memory to their recently-passed dog. God knows that I've used this site too many times (Sarek, Kahner, Wiley, Berin). You can post your memories with or without photographs. There's no fee for telling the world how you feel. The site is run by a fellow dog lover who's down in Ecuador (don't quote me) so it may take a day or two for Jeff to get around to putting your memorial up.

I decided a few years ago, that I needed to fund a solution for hemangiosarcoma, degenerative myelopathy, and other forms of cancer that take our GSDs way too soon. The Shepherds Run Foundation, Inc. (*self-funded charitable foundation*) is up and running this year and will be better funded when I pass.

Over the first year of operations the Shepherds Run Foundation was active in funding cancer research efforts by: the University of Minnesota (Dr. Modiano Oncology Research Fund), Flint Animal Cancer Center, and the University of Pennsylvania (support for the Im Yunity study). Because the following organizations "tugged at our hearts", the foundation made one-time donations to: Georgia Canine Rescue and Rehabilitation, The Buddy Foundation, and Woody's Place Senior German Shepherd Sanctuary.

No German shepherd or dog owner should have to go through what we've gone through.

Rick Bajackson


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## rabsparks (May 11, 2013)

rabsparks said:


> I know how you are feeling. Over my 70+ years, I've lost three of my shepherds to hemangiosarcoma and one to squamous cell carcinoma. Losing each GSD breaks my heart in their own way.
> 
> You might want to visit https://www.dogquotations. This is a web site where dog owners can write whatever they're feeling in memory to their recently-passed dog. God knows that I've used this site too many times (Sarek, Kahner, Wiley, Berin). You can post your memories with or without photographs. There's no fee for telling the world how you feel. The site is run by a fellow dog lover who's down in Ecuador (don't quote me) so it may take a day or two for Jeff to get around to putting your memorial up.
> 
> ...


I forgot to extend my condolences for your loss.

And the website is: dogquotations.com/


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## sebrench (Dec 2, 2014)

What a moving tribute to a very special GSD. I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to take comfort in your memories and photographs.


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## Parkers (Jan 15, 2011)

Jessica Gertig Cooper said:


> I am laying here tonight crying so hard. It's almost 2 am and tonight I just can't stop the aching from the loss.
> 
> I lost my beloved Penny ten days ago. I knew the time would come, but I thought I would have a year or two more. One week you were loving life, walking a new trail, then I woke up and something wasn't right. We got x-rays and a ultrasound and before I knew it the vet was talking in circles ... not coming out and saying it, a death sentence, probable hemangiosarcoma. When I finally understood I couldn't believe it, I looked feverishly through the night for something to help ... I found something possible for helping with the bleed but it was too late. The next night I slept on the floor near you and I woke every hour but it was too late, it had gotten worse and I knew you deserved a peaceful ending. I prayed for strength so I could be calm and comforting and I held you until the last. Then the whole clinic could hear my anguish.
> 
> ...


So sorry for you loss! Allow yourself A LOT of time to get back on your feet. Allow the grieving process. What most don't realize is just how huge a hole is left by the unconditional love of a dog. Its very different from a human loss. Our beloved Faithful has been gone for years and I still miss her. We had two cats when she had to go at 13+ years, and it helped... But wow, what a blow. You will survive this, and you will be better having shared such a great love.
W


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## Pipersmom (Jul 22, 2015)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my shepherd to the same. One day fine and the next day she's spending the night at the vet and when I go to check on her the next morning, she is gone. I didn't get the chance to say good-bye and felt awful that I let her pass alone. I cried every time I saw another shepherd (for years), especially one who looked like her. It took me 8 years to get another one and then I did only by accident or maybe it wasn't. That's another story...... Again, so sorry for your loss.


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## crittersitter (Mar 31, 2011)

I am so very sorry for your loss. I love the tribute you did. I just wanted to let you know about RainbowBridge.com. They have a Monday night candle light vigil and a place to leave a tribute to your loved one. I have found that helpful after loosing my babies.


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## Jessica Gertig Cooper (Dec 3, 2019)

@crittersitter thank you for telling me about RainbowBridge.com. I keep feeling like I need to write out my thoughts to Penny, to process, to remember her. To tell her things.


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## Jessica Gertig Cooper (Dec 3, 2019)

rabsparks said:


> I forgot to extend my condolences for your loss.
> 
> And the website is: dogquotations.com/


Thank you. It's wonderful you have started a foundation. I just couldn't believe how many this happened to when it happened ...


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## Carl stott (Sep 10, 2019)

Jessica Gertig Cooper said:


> I am laying here tonight crying so hard. It's almost 2 am and tonight I just can't stop the aching from the loss.
> 
> I lost my beloved Penny ten days ago. I knew the time would come, but I thought I would have a year or two more. One week you were loving life, walking a new trail, then I woke up and something wasn't right. We got x-rays and a ultrasound and before I knew it the vet was talking in circles ... not coming out and saying it, a death sentence, probable hemangiosarcoma. When I finally understood I couldn't believe it, I looked feverishly through the night for something to help ... I found something possible for helping with the bleed but it was too late. The next night I slept on the floor near you and I woke every hour but it was too late, it had gotten worse and I knew you deserved a peaceful ending. I prayed for strength so I could be calm and comforting and I held you until the last. Then the whole clinic could hear my anguish.
> 
> ...


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## Carl stott (Sep 10, 2019)

I am so sorry for your loss it sounds like she was a great dog and that’s face it most GSDs are I don’t want to make this about me I lost one back in April so I can relate to just how you feel and If it makes you feel any better I’m sure if there is a God in hevean they arre looking down on us or watching over us just as they did everyday the love and bond is to strong to be anything else


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## tim_s_adams (Aug 9, 2017)

She'll be with you always...

Sorry for your loss, I know too well how much it hurts. Healing thoughts and prayers for you... in my experience it just takes time to process... Picture your dog running free, happy, and enjoying life! 

All the best!


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## Jessica Gertig Cooper (Dec 3, 2019)

Almost 3 months. I still can't look at a picture of you without falling apart. There they are though scattered through all my files on all my computers and devices. I think of you all the time. Most of the time I carry on with life and your absence is a dull ache in my heart, but sometimes it hits me hard and I just curl up in a ball and grieve and grieve. 

I have a new girl to love and I do, but not yet in the same way I love you, and won't ever be quite the same. As I bring her up, I remember you, my first and I think of all the ways I could have done better with you. But you loved me no matter what.


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## Petra's Dad (Jan 6, 2020)

Sorry to hear about your loss


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