# What to do when your SO isn't on the same page?



## Tbarrios333 (May 31, 2009)

<span style="color: #FF0000">OK Hypothetical situation.








</span>
Your dear SO, whom you love very much, is just not into rescue and fostering. 
The thought of more dogs in the house is stressful to him. He doesn't understand dog nature and doesn't have much patience with misbehavior in older dogs. 
When it comes to this topic, there's only arguments and bickering to be had. 

You on the other hand, would love to start fostering just 1 dog at a time, or maybe would like to adopt another in need. 
Just make one tiny little difference for one dog. You see all these posts every single day of rescues with 200 dogs being shut down, dogs being put down because there is no ROOM. These are perfectly well behaved dogs that don't deserve such a fate just because there is nowhere to put them! 
You see all these things and you know you have room and time. 
You feel helpless, useless, purposeless, and any other -less words you can think of. 
You spend time on Petfinder looking at all those dogs you wish you could be helping but can't. How do you cope?

How do you handle the guilt of not being able to do anything? How do you handle your SO not wanting the same things you do? 
How do you handle the depression and unfulfilled feelings that come with it? 

<span style="color: #FF0000">This is a hypothetical situation, so please give your hypothetical answer LOL. </span>


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## onyx'girl (May 18, 2007)

My thought would be if you cannot foster, then do what you can at the shelter or rescue, walking dogs, cleaning up, paperwork, website updates, whatever.
Help out at the adoption events, run a leg of transport. Fostering is a BIG part of the picture, but the other parts are just as important in helping. 
The guilt lessens when you are busy doing the little stuff!


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## Vinnie (Sep 4, 2001)

I agree.

I personally could not foster for a few different reasons. What I did was ask the rescue group what other kind of help they needed. Rescues need help in many areas besides fostering so it’s worth checking.


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## Tbarrios333 (May 31, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

Oh, my hypothetical little person has asked a shelter director to volunteer and has been given permission to come and go, and spend time walking the dogs. 
The only problem is the unreliable hypothetical car. I'm not sure how much longer it's going to last. I gave out the other day. 
I think in the end, I'd still want to foster. 

Those are good ideas though.


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## weber1b (Nov 30, 2008)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

Another thought is rescue folks may need help transporting dogs to vets, take them out for walks they probably don't have time for (if they are a large rescue) etc. Lot's of ways to help out.


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## raysmom (May 22, 2004)

This might be a hypothetical questions, but it is very real for me!

My DH is the one who is home all day and would be the one taking care of the dog(s) while I'm at work. He's not the kind of guy who can handle more than our own dog and it's not fair to him to expect him to do it. 

Consequently, he and I do what we can to help in other ways. I transport quite often and DH often rides along or drives; we help out with fundraisers for the local humane society and for few local rescue groups; I'm on the board of a local rescue and we donate funds and various "Wish List" items to a few rescues/shelters in and out of the area; DH has played Santa for the Pet Photos with Santa for a few rescues, etc.

Also, shelters/humane societies - especially the no-kill ones where the dogs can sometimes spend months or even years waiting for a home - always need people to walk the dogs, brush them and just spend time with them.

Fostering is definitely a very crucial part of rescue, but there are so many other ways of helping that I don't think it would be an issue worth fighting or bickering over!


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## Tbarrios333 (May 31, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*



> Originally Posted By: raysmom
> Fostering is definitely a very crucial part of rescue, but there are so many other ways of helping that I don't think it would be an issue worth fighting or bickering over!


Very true. I don't think I give him enough credit for what he puts up with hehe. 
It would make me much happier if he just agreed! But in the mean time, I'll volunteer at the humane society.


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## tuco (Sep 14, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

It's time to get another SO. You need a SO who is as crazy over dogs as you are. If you really want to be happy, start looking now!


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

whew, tuco, no grey area there for you, huh?


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## windwalker718 (Oct 9, 2008)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

I don't do well fostering..

they came... 
they saw...
they stayed!! 

LOL. While I could work with a dog for a month or two and then place them, my spouse is not of like mind. The dogs are "the kids", and in short order become part of the pack/family.

I also tend to take on special needs (behavioral) who thrive under my leadership and the pack setting here, but would have major issues as an only pet, or with an owner who wasn't organized in the rules of the house.


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## Tbarrios333 (May 31, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

LOL. He's the best, just doesn't want any dogs atm. 
I can't say I blame him, especially with past events, I just wish we were on the same page and he was more willing to give a little more time and understanding. 
It would make me much happier and the relationship less tense if we were, but I think I'm going to keep him.








I do love him very much and I guess finding a middle ground is my only option. If only I could push that center line a little more in my direction.









I'll try to fill the void with volunteer work at the shelter and hopefully, the guilt will subside.


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## Tbarrios333 (May 31, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*



> Originally Posted By: Windwalker18I don't do well fostering..
> 
> they came...
> they saw...
> ...


Maybe your SO can talk to my SO??? LOL


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## Doggydog (May 12, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

Well in my non hypothetical scenerio...
It didn't involve fostering, so a bit different situation. I wanted 2 cats, instead of 1 which I had. He said no. I tried every angle I could think of to persuade him. He didn't budge. I got the extra cat anyway, thinking he'd be upset and then get over it. 
I can't recommend doing that based on my experience. My very significant SO whom I loved very much packed his belongings and moved out. He said he'll never forgive me for choosing a cat over him. It's been a very difficult consequence of my action. 
But ..... I did help ease my broken heart by getting my GSD puppy. I'd waited 16 yrs for one, so I brought myself some happiness. I waited a couple months to make sure OP didn't wish to change his mind and forgive me the cat. When it was clear he was sticking to his resolve, I got Jiva. 
Knowing that 2 dogs in the house would have been unacceptable to him, it meant burying him in my history for certain. As much as I loved him and we'd been together for yrs, there is something to be said for Tucco's post. My op was never going to love the furries like I do. Maybe it's for the best afterall.


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## Tbarrios333 (May 31, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

He has promised that in the future, he'll agree to have more than one dog. Just not now. I understand where he's coming from and it's unfair of me to ask it of him. 
I just wish I could deal with not being able to do it better. It's almost impossible to not talk or think about another dog. If I do, it only leads to him ignoring the comment and an argument.


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## RubyTuesday (Jan 20, 2008)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

Wait until Denali is 2.Dogs are significantly more mature & all around easier at 2 or 3 (or 4) than as puppies. Perhaps he'll be more inclined to consider it then.


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## flyinghayden (Oct 7, 2005)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

One of the reasons I don't have a SO. I wouldn't have the dogs I have now, if I had one.


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## maggs30 (Aug 5, 2008)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

My husband has come to understand that if he wants me he gets all my dogs and cats also. He likes animals.....but not like I do. My part of the cleaning and care is almost 97 percent. So I get the animals and do not make him help with them at all unless it is absolutely necessary and although it has cause a few fights over the last 18 yrs it is nothing that we can't and don't work out.


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## allieg (Nov 4, 2008)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

I understand where the OP's hypothetical is coming from. I think some of us need men like this in our lives or we would be the crazy cat/dog woman of the State.Mine is pretty understanding,after all I have accumulated 6 cats and 2 dogs and a rabbit.The only one that was his idea is the purebred.I would love another GSD right now but with all in the house and Athena's issues I know I can't and he keeps me from getting another.If I didn't have to answer to him who knows how many animals I would have.He keeps my feet on the ground in all the fur bunnies...


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## Tbarrios333 (May 31, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

Too bad I'm allergic to cats, I like them. 
I've always had multiple dogs and they kept me busy. When we went through a period of no dogs I almost lost it LOL. Boredom is not good for me and my thoughts. 
Denali has been such an easy, good puppy that I feel as if I would have time for another. 
He does keep my feet on the ground though hehe. But it's not like I already have 8 animals running around!


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## allieg (Nov 4, 2008)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

I thought you had another GSD? Am I loosing it or did I miss something?


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## pupresq (Dec 2, 2005)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

I did too. I know you had the male puppy briefly who didn't work out and was so rambunctious, but I also thought you were adopting an adult male GSD. Did something happen? It sounded like he was going to be a good match.


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## Tbarrios333 (May 31, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

He did SOUND like he was going to be a good match. The rescue lady admittedly never temperament tested him before he was adopted out, after being treated for HW. 
He broke out of his crate and attacked Denali who was with me in the kitchen, and then bit BF when we had him outside on a long line. It was not quick, he came back for more and did not back off. 
I told her about this and she thought he was not a good match for us so she asked me to bring him back to her. He's currently in foster care. She sends me an email every once in a while of a dog that would be better suited for us, but BF is not ready after that experience.


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## allieg (Nov 4, 2008)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

Phew I really thought I was looking it.









That's too bad it didn't work out.Good thing no one got seriously hurt.That just proves in time he'll allow you to foster or adopt again.He is probably scared of what could come next.


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## pupresq (Dec 2, 2005)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

Sorry to hear about that. 

I applaud your desire to foster and help with the overabundance of needy animals, but given those two recent experiences, I'm thinking your SO may be right and fostering might not be your thing. The dogs you get into foster care are often just fine, but they're usually question marks and often problematic in the same ways that the two boys were. They may not have good social skills, may have behavioral issues, and may need a lot of work. We've got one dog here that has had to be on his own separate rotation the entire time he's here because he has fear-related dog aggression. In those kinds of situations, fostering is especially difficult. 

I think your idea of volunteering with your local HS is a good one. There are still lots of very important ways to help that don't create the same level of upheaval at home.


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## Tbarrios333 (May 31, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

I realize about 90% of dogs are a lot of work. But as long as there is no aggression involved, I can handle it. I simply don't have the experience to deal with that effectively. 
If it's about training issues or even lack of people socialization, I can handle it. When I adopted my collie/shepherd, he was shy with strangers, he would growl/bark. He was a neurotic mess at the shelter. Fence fighting, barking constantly etc.
After time, he gained confidence and loved everyone, even children. 
SO's grandpa smacked him on the nose once (







) to scold him for something and IMO, it could have been much worse, but he just stood in front of him and barked at him. It looked more like a "Hey! I don't know you well enough for you to smack my nose!".

I'm sure if I could be matched with the right dog, it could be great. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened yet. I don't agree in disqualifying myself because of the past instances though. I grow intellectually everyday, and will try again someday.


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## pupresq (Dec 2, 2005)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

I think you absolutely could be matched with the right dog - to _adopt_. The trouble is that fostering is usually when the assessment that would allow for a good match takes place. When you get a new dog out of a shelter or even as an owner give up, it's impossible to know exactly what issues that dog will have, if any, and it falls on the foster home to assess and work with them. I routinely get dogs in here who tested fine at the shelter but turn out to have aggression issues with other animals or with people. You can't know going in exactly what the problems will be and if they will exclude aggression. Now, once a dog has been fostered and thoroughly assessed by an experienced handler, it definitely becomes possible to help you find a dog that's a good match for you. But those are dogs ready for adoption, not typically the ones in need of foster care. That, together with the fact that your SO isn't on board, make me think that fostering isn't a good idea for you two right now.


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## Tbarrios333 (May 31, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

He's not on board, you're right. Fostering is out of the question for now. Maybe sometime in the future, that's why I'm going to fill my time with volunteer work.








I would like to adopt but if he's not willing anymore, there's not much I can do about it. That's where the guilt and unhappiness stems from, because I know I have the time and space while all of this is happening. 
Hopefully, the volunteer work clears some of that, although I doubt it will get rid of the want entirely.


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## flyinghayden (Oct 7, 2005)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*



> Originally Posted By: DenaliFofali She sends me an email every once in a while of a dog that would be better suited for us, but BF is not ready after that experience.


Wow, that sounds horrible for your BF. I guess I would be second guessing after that one, too. What about another girl??


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## Tbarrios333 (May 31, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

I've always had males and I'll have to admit that after Denali, I LOVE females. My only concern would be the bitch fights I seem to be hearing about everywhere.


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## Jax08 (Feb 13, 2009)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

Being in exactly that position right now I can say three things.

1) never accept a dog from that rescue again. Any dog I accept from the rescue I am currently fostering for will have to be tested with cats and dogs. My cat has been locked up in my room for almost 3 months(and he is p.o.'d) to keep him safe. We have had several dog fights because he has never been with other dogs and he is overwhelmed. he can NOT be knocked around from foster to foster so I have kept him and dealt with the animal issues, the fights with DH and tried to make him as comfortable and safe as possible. Having said that...he is a phenomenal dog and anyone who wants a companion to curl up with, go running with or do therapy with will find the perfect dog. Just no cats, small dogs, or dominant dogs!!

2) Give it time. He'll get over it. Start volunteering for events and take him with you.

3) Research the the rescue so that you can ensure the dog you foster will fit into your house. Meet and temperment test the dog yourself before committing. If you have no way to seperate the dogs these are really your only options. Some are set up to take any dog and deal with its issues and some of of are not no matter how we wish it differently. But you have to be prepared to deal with some issues. These are not perfectly trained dogs...they are the deserted, neglected, untrained ones that need guidance, structure and love.


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

*Re: What to do when your SO isn't on the same page*

guilt is blame turned inward. denalifofali, as long as you are not at fault for any of the circumstances that rescue dogs find themselves in (and of course YOU'RE NOT!), you absolutely should not feel guilty. the negativity will bring you down and suck your energy, for no good reason. do not feel guilty. you are doing everything you can in the circumstances you are in.

i had a friend once who used to say "everything in life is a trade-off"...if you want to keep your SO then you must trade-off your desire to have more animals at this time. it's only for now, it's not forever. 


many blessings, carry on!


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