# Need advice/suggestions



## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

I am 32, my husband is 34. It hasn't always been easy but we love each other and our children very much. Even though we are married, he has his dogs & I have mine. He does not feed, walk or ( Ever! ) clean up after my dog. ( zoey) He also does not/will not pay for anything for her ( vet care, food, toys etc. He rarely gives attention or plays with zoey. Two things you need to know. #1- he is not mean to zoey. ( verbally or phisically ) #2- zoey really could care less about attetion from anyone but me 90% of the time. Here's the problem. I am expected to completely care for his dogs. He does work so I don't mind doing general care (feeding, walking in the a.m., letting them in their pen during the day. I pick up poop twice a day in the pen. (After all three dogs) I do this all week. I think on the weekend when he doesnt have to work, it should be his turn but he refuses. It is very important that it's picked up because the dogs had hook and round worms a few weeks ago.(have been dewormed by our vet.) Zoey was extremly sick from this. (Zoey and kyla are poop eaters ) plus I did alittle research on parasites and it said they can survive in the ground for quite a while. So for these reasons it is very important that we pick up 2x every day. My hubby knows this, but his answer is, your dog is the one who can't handle anything not mine. I train/work with zoey all the time. Hubby gets mad/jealous? That zoey learns so quickly and I do so much with her. He says if I would help him with kyla she could know a lot. I have tried but he doesn't want help he wants me to just train her! He thinks its wrong that when he's home I will use some of that time to get one on one time with zoey. I will go for a walk take her to the park to play ball or just work on training out front. Hubby thinks his dog kyla should be out with zoey and I (not him out with us!) And will let her out the door. He gets mad when I bring kyla back in. I did not want him to get this dog.I talked to him about this before he got her. I told him it was me that was taking care of his dog remmy most of the time and I didnt want to have to care for another dog that shouldn't have to be my responsbility. He told me he would care for this puppy and he was Getting It. I am feeling quite resentful toward him/this dog? Im not sure which. I know it's not Kylas fault but at the same time im feeling very overwhelmed! I have thought of making a seperate pen for zoey so that I could keep her pen clean and maybe force him to clean up after his dogs, but what if he doesn't? Advice please!!

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## FlyAway (Jul 17, 2012)

I have no advice. It sounds like you married a lazy man. Tell him to train his own dog. It's good that you care for it because it sounds like he has no intention of caring for his own dog(s).


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## kiya (May 3, 2010)

Unfortunatley since you have a mine or his mind set, it complicates things. My husband and I have always refered to our relationship as a partnership. It's not always 50/50 every once in a while one of us will have to pick up some slack. Whatever needs to be done will get done. As far as the critters well they fall under my care. However this weekend he's putting up a rail on the back steps for me because the 2 older dogs have gone off the side and I don't want anyone getting hurt.
You have to work together, it doesn't always seem fair. We used to joke I was the brains he was the braun.


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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

We have been married almost 10 yrs. There have been A LOT of ups and downs. We both had a lot of maturing and growing up to do! We have learned that it is better to work together rather than against each other or seperately, on most things. But this one issue is very hard for me to deal with. I love caring for zoey! I don't understand why he doesn't want the same joy (and yes, resposibility) of caring for his dogs. I do want to be an understanding and fair wife. I am just not seeing where he's coming from on this subject. Should I just give in? Or how can I get him to work with me? Any input would be welcome.

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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Kiya, thankyou for your post. I hope my husband and I learn to work together as well as you and yours! You give me hope! Thanks.

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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Flyway that's how I feel! But I do wonder if maybe im being immature about this? Thanks for the input.

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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Sorry I put your name wrong.FlyAway sorry!

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## Jax08 (Feb 13, 2009)

No words of wisdom here. I have my dog and DH has his. I don't clean up after his and he doesn't clean up after mine. Actually...his make a far greater mess than mine do. He pays for vetting, food for his. I pay for mine. He does not want any more dogs after his are gone, which is good because he doesn't train them. But I can have all the dogs I want as long as I'm responsible for them. Oddly, it's my son that is jealous of the time I spend with Jax. I don't think he understands it.


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## kiya (May 3, 2010)

Me and my husband on on 2 different planets when it comes to the dogs. He loves them, but to him they are dogs. Unfortunatey I have had to accept that.
My dogs are very lucky I am the one who cares for them.
Maybe you should just look at it as If you have 3 dogs.


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## KZoppa (Aug 14, 2010)

As far as the animals go in the house, they're mine. The cats are technically his because he "claimed them" when they came home. Titan was born into the house after we rescued his mom not knowing she was pregnant on the side of the road in a bad area in town back home and Faith I found when she was about 4 weeks old with her brother in a parking lot where they could easily be run over. I watched as someone dumped them out of the car and left. I gathered them up and took them home. I claimed her brother but we ended up having to rehome him because he wasn't getting along with my sister in laws male. The dogs are mine. Riley was Geramy's but I handled all the training and walks and feeding, etc. The only thing I ask Geramy to do is take care of cleaning out the litter box once a week. Beyond that, I handle everything else. I clean up the yard, make sure Shasta gets let out to potty. He'll still help pretty often but it's clear they're my animals. 

He wants a sheltie because he had one when he was really little and loved that dog to bits. I told him that if we were to get a sheltie, it would be HIS dog. I would show him how to handle training but he would be responsible for everything. I'm a stay at home mom so between housework and whatnot, I still have a great deal of time to put into my dog. Geramy understands but at the same time he doesn't. He knows it takes time and energy to train a dog to be well-behaved and he's constantly bragging about how well Shasta listens but he also makes sure that I get the credit for it. If it were up to him, we wouldn't have any animals because he doesn't really understand cats and he's not used to a dog that requires actual work put in for the end result. 

I'd suggest you take care of your dog and let your husband know that if you cant work together regarding the dogs, he needs to commit to taking care of his. It's not fair to his dogs but it might be the push he needs to get the message that he wanted them, he needs to step up. 

All else fails, you have 3 dogs and he has none. You care for them and want better for them from the sounds of your post. The question is, how can that be done?


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

So, are you not working and independently wealthy or do you have a trust fund for Zoey's food and vet care? I guess I don't understand. If you are keeping the dogs separate, and you are both working, then why does the care of his dogs fall on you while the care of your dog falls solely on you?

I don't think it is possible for any relationship to truly be 50/50. 

But, if he will deny your dog care because it is not _his _dog, than this does not seem like much of a partnership. 

I think you probably need marriage councelling if you are going to save your marriage both of you are going to have to bend and adjust what you are currently doing and willing to do.


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## AngelaA6 (Jan 20, 2013)

That's crazy! I don't think owning a dog would even be plausible if that was the attitude my husband had. If he's not going to step up and be responsible I don't see why he should even have one. My husband and I have OUR dog its both of our responsibility to care for him and anything he needs comes out from OUR money. Nothing is individual and we share everything. He has to be just as involved as me when it comes to the dog and thankfully I don't have to ask him to do it. I'm only 7 months into my marriage though so that might be something to do with it. He's going to be 32 next month and I'm finally turning 21 and I've also known him since I was 3 and he's always taken care of me so that also takes part in it too, I married my best friend. 

We did premarital counseling and our counselor did say there were the couples that had the "yours and mine" mentality and if you didn't know the other spouse had that mentality, issues could arise in the future. He said for couple that are like-minded concerning this it isn't an issue. I would honestly try to have a sit down talk with him and calmly talk this over with him and see if you guys could look into counseling, resentment of a spouse isn't exactly healthy for a relationship.


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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi selzer i always get a kick out of your blunt (somewhat sarcastic) input. Thankyou for chiming in. Ok though I really wish I was independently wealthy im not. I work part time. I don't make a lot but it is enough to take care of zoey. In an emergency my vet would let me make payments. I think I have made my husband sound like a bad guy he's not. Let me try to clarify a few things. He does work full time, takes care of bills and house stuff. He cares about animals ( his dogs) but since he was a kid has not had to actually be made to be held responsible for them. Im sure I didnt help matters by not making him be completly responsible for his first dog remmy. While lm sure marriage counceling wouldn't hurt, im not quite sure we need that at this point! I only really resent the fact that he got the dog, not him personally. Thanks for the advice though.

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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Congrats on your marriage. I don't resent my husband. I really resent the fact that he got this dog and has not kept his word on the care. Im glad you both care for your dog. But I think our yours and mine mentality started because he thought only labs and hunting dogs were smart and good for families. I have always loved rotts, shepherds, and cockers. The solution get our own dogs.

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## Capone22 (Sep 16, 2012)

I would put my foot down and tell him if he wants no part in zoeys care than he needs to take care of his dogs or your going to re home them. 


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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi jax I wou be fine with that arrangement if he would Care for his! 

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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

I wouldn't be able to do that. I think that would be crossing a line. If he ever got rid of zoey I would NEVER forgive him. So I couldnt do that to him. 

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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

What do you guys think about the seperate pen idea? Pros? Cons? 

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## KZoppa (Aug 14, 2010)

I think the separate pen idea is a good one but if Zoey is used to sharing the pen with the other two, she might feel like she's in trouble and being punished and try to get out of her pen to get to the other one. Or vice versa for the other dogs. I'm not really sure how to put it into words more accurately so I hope you understand what I was trying to get out there.


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## Gretchen (Jan 20, 2011)

No advice because you can't change people, they have to want to change. Your husband sounds more like a business partner than an intimate partner. Personally I think it is bizarre, the split in the pet expenses.


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

Separate pen? 

No. 

The point of picking up the poop is so that the eggs do not re-infest the ground. If they do, your dog will suffer even if you keep her in a different pen. 

I live alone, and clean up after a dozen regulars, and a couple older puppies, and babies. Cleaning poop for 3 dogs would be heaven. Sorry, but you are out there anyway, what is the difference if you find two turds or six turds. You still have to clean your hands off afterwards. It is a petty argrument, because you think he should do his part of that. He won't. 

To go another mile and build a whole other pen because you think that will cause him to clean his dog's poop, well, it won't. You will go out there and clean it because you will not like that after a week or so, the dogs are going to start rolling in it and tracking it in. 

I think you are going to just have to compromise or accept that the poop is going to be on you. You are working less hours. Your money is going toward your stuff. His is covering the major expenses. Clean the poop, you have to go out there and do it for your dog anyway.

Training his dog will take time away that you could be spending with your dog. But NOT training his dog means that you are going to have a large (lab?), unruly or unmannered dog to deal with down the line. 

Maybe by working with his bitch, it will spark his interest in her, and he will step it up. Puppies are not everyone's forte. But she lives in your home, and being untrained, is really not pleasant, and not fair to her. 

But I think that you should really put your foot down the next time he decides he wants a pet. 

Guys and gals are different. Guys need to be be told, hey its garbage night, take the garbage out. Gals think of things to do for their guys that will make them happy, or will make it easier for them, AND gals do not understand why guys do not do the same thing. Also, guys are generally bad at things that have to be done regularly, cleaning the kitchen, dishes, laundry. They tend to be a bit better at projects, or repairs/maintenance. They will generally take care of the car when it needs it, or paint the back porch, or fix the faucet. 

If you pick the shtuff on your honey-do list that tend to take his strengths and qualities into consideration, you will have better results I think. Take care of his dogs, but have him take care of your car. Have him go and fight with the teachers at the parent teacher conferences. Make him do the grocery shopping. 

I would not put up a second pen. But that's just me. You know your situation better.


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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Zoey is completly fine without the other dogs. She usually ignores them anyway. Kyla( the gsp) doesn't like to be by herself, but remmy would be in there with her and they are close so I think all dogs would be fine. Do you think it would get hubby to clean up though? Is it worth a try?

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## Capone22 (Sep 16, 2012)

I was hoping by saying that you wouldn't actually have to re home them. Sucks your in this position. But selzer is probably right. 


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## Abby142 (Oct 16, 2012)

zoey's mom said:


> Zoey is completly fine without the other dogs. She usually ignores them anyway. Kyla( the gsp) doesn't like to be by herself, but remmy would be in there with her and they are close so I think all dogs would be fine. Do you think it would get hubby to clean up though? Is it worth a try?
> 
> Sent from Petguide.com Free App


I don't think having separate pens will do anything other than cause you more heartache later on. If you go to all the problem of getting another pen and then your husband still doesn't pick it up (and honestly do you really think he will?) you will have to go into two pens to pick up poop and you will just be more upset because it didn't work and your husband let you down again. 

As much as it sucks, I agree with Selzer, just deal with it and pick it up because your husband is clearly not going to. That does not mean that he is a bad husband, it just means picking up poop isn't his cup of tea. It doesn't matter what I do, my husband will not pick up poop either, but he will gladly take our dog on a walk, or cook dinner if I am not feeling well and I ask him to do it. Find something that he is willing to do and make that his job and accept that picking up poop is yours.


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## llombardo (Dec 11, 2011)

I know that some might not agree with this, but in my home, all responsibilities are shared. There is no this is yours that is mine. We all feed them, we all take them out, we all train them, etc. I don't have time in my life to argue about it, it is just the way it is and if someone doesn't like it, the door is right there.


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

How old are these bitches we are talking about? They both sound young. Spaying does not help inter-pack bitch aggression. Making sure both dogs are trained can help. But whose dog is going to be re-homed if one of these young bitches decides she no longer wants the other to live on the same planet? If yours is the only one with any manners, yours might be the one that will have the best chance getting a good forever home. For this reason, I would probably be out there doing training with the lab pup. First to try to avoid problems down the road, and next that if one of the pups needs to be rehomed, both pups have some basic obedience in them.


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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Im not quite sure if I mis posted but there is no aggression within the pack. Remmy the 8yr old lab is the alpha. I ve been watching and it seems like zoey my 3yr old gsd and kyla the 10month old german shorthair pointer dont really have a hierarchy between the two. There isn't any fighting. Zoey does act like they don't exsist a lot though. I would love to rehome the pup but hubby will not and I could not go behind his back. I do think your right. Imight have to suck it up and just do it

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## Msmaria (Mar 2, 2013)

I agree with Selzer. You will not be able to change your husband unless he wants to change. Maybe you could agree you invest your time for all dogs and he invests all the money.


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## JackandMattie (Feb 4, 2013)

I am on board with Selzer's advice. Take care of the dogs. Find something else for your husband to do.

There are a LOT worse things y'all could be facing than the difference between picking up two poops or six. Take a little while to sit down and be grateful for what you do have, consider what it would be to lose the good stuff. Maybe that can help you put the poop scooping drama into a more realistic perspective.

I try never to hold on to resentments based on what's "fair" because I think, in the end, they're usually petty and I just wasted my own good time and energy. If it's not an issue that will put a lump in my throat or a bring a tear to my eye ten years from now, I kiss it goodbye today! You don't want to be in crisis tomorrow and the last feelings for your husband were resentment over doggie do.


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

zoey's mom said:


> Im not quite sure if I mis posted but there is no aggression within the pack. Remmy the 8yr old lab is the alpha. I ve been watching and it seems like zoey my 3yr old gsd and kyla the 10month old german shorthair pointer dont really have a hierarchy between the two. There isn't any fighting. Zoey does act like they don't exsist a lot though. I would love to rehome the pup but hubby will not and I could not go behind his back. I do think your right. Imight have to suck it up and just do it
> 
> Sent from Petguide.com Free App


Ok, it sounded like your girl and his girl were both pretty young.


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## JakodaCD OA (May 14, 2000)

Sorry you don't get help from your husband, that type of situation would peeve me to no end.

All of the animals I've ever had, were bought by me, adopted by me, but my husband is a willing participant, THANK GOD,,if he's not scooping poop, I am, if I can't feed the dogs because I'm working, he does, if he isn't locking up the chickens at nite, I am.

I guess I should be more appreciative of the help I get from him, even tho one of the dogs is basically "his", and he doesn't pay the vet bills or food bills, atleast he helps me out when I need it.

Good luck,,tough situation for sure


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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

You are right! When I think of it in that perspective, this is really petty! I do have a lot to be thankful for. Thankyou.

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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Selzer thankyou you have given me some good advice. I didnt think about the pen thing. Your right it would still affect zoey. I will just have to accept that the care of ALL the dogs is going to fall on me. Maybe I will work on asking hubby to help more in other ways. Thankyou.

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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

I like what I think Sunflowers said, tell your husband, "Look, if I am taking care of ALL the dogs, you can just support all the dogs."


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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Thankyou every one for your input and advice. This is what I will do.
#1- not make a seperate pen
#2- take care of all dogs
#3- ask hubby to help more in other areas
#4- try and be more thankful!

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## JackandMattie (Feb 4, 2013)

???

I like Sunflowers idea, as well, about the financial compromise. But if that doesn't suit then looking at the total relationship, and find a larger scale balance. 

Thank you for sharing. It helps me to check myself, and make sure I'm practicing what I preach ?


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## lily's master (Jul 16, 2012)

It sounds like you are writing about my life. My husband has a beagle that is HIS and then i have Lily she is mine. However the beagle is his only when he wants it to be, cleaning up vomit, poop, walking, feeding, anything that requries work and its up to me to do it. He will train her by over feeding her human food off his plate, he says thats his way of training. He fed her tacos and cheese burgers until shes to fat to do anything. 
I have to take on the burden of the "training" since she is so fat and unhealthy she has to constantly be watched she is to lazy to go outside and potty and will do it in the house the minute you turn your back she is snappy and agressive. I really wish he would take care of her. I cant make decisions on what she eats or her training or exercise. He thinks she is cute that way.
As far as your idea of not cleaning up after his dog and making him. Well it didnt work with me. 
I left it and it wasnt cleaned until the whole back yard was unbearable it smelled so bad. 
He works, I dont, I get that. However when we are both home I would like him to help. Because unlike his job that he gets two days off every week I dont. My job is 24/7


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## mego (Jan 27, 2013)

I'm sorry it's not really helpful to the discussion but I'm really confused about the "your's and mine" thing. Aren't the dogs and you guys one big happy family
That sort of division would drive me nuts. You are very patient, and I would also just take care of both dogs, even if he calls one dog "his" I think it will love you more


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

I guess there are three dogs, and two of them are his in name. I can understand not being on board with a new dog/puppy and then getting saddled with it, making you totally crazy. 

Puppies are a lot of work, and knowing it won't happen if you don't do it is frustrating. Maybe you should be very direct and tell him that from now on, there has to be a concensus before a new pet is added to the household. 

I remember when my brother moved out with his friend's mother -- yeah this was a totally unhealthy relationship/roommate deal. But they got an apartment together. I think she was hoping that he would connect with her daughter as a couple, but that just wasn't going to happen.

Anyhow, my brother went and got two dogs from the pound. Jack and Mindy. How do I remember these things? Anyhow, I really don't think that pets were allowed there. They never let the dogs outside. I suppose hiding them from the landlord. 

Anyhow, they had this deal where whoever saw the accident first had to clean it. Now my brother is the laziest being that walked the earth, and he managed to find someone after his own heart. Neither of them would clean up after the dogs. It was disgusting. The dogs would be locked in the bathroom when they were working, and they ate the bathroom. Literally. 

When my brother moved out, he dumped Jack and Mindy back at the shelter. What a jerk. 

This is why breeders want to ensure that the whole family is on board with the new puppy, and that the landlord allows dogs and this breed in particular. Some people will take it out on the puppy if they really did not want the dog.


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## Shaolin (Jun 16, 2012)

Selzer is completely right. I do the majority of the animal stuff around the house, but he does a lot of the other things; he helps around the house without complaining and picks up the slack when I'm busy doing animal stuff. He helps out with training and care if I ask him, but I don't expect him to do anything past putting the dogs out when they ask. He's stepped up recently with our fish tank. I thought I was going to end up taking care of it and I was at the beginning, but it's become his baby and he does fantastic with it. I provide support when asked, but I don't step on his toes about it.


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## Gwenhwyfair (Jul 27, 2010)

Well said and same here, I am very fortunate but then this is my second long term relationship and I was much more picky this time. My ex-slob was very lazy and selfish.

Autumn is my DHs dog. I feed her and do the basic training daily. We both let the dogs out for potty breaks and he plays with them all to give them exercise. When we were house training Autumn he helped clean up accidents. It depended on who was home and/or had the fastest access to cleaning items.

Sometimes I get frustrated with him that he doesn't brush her like he should but then I come home late from work to delicious home cooked meals and it's all forgotten (he's a good cook!)

Yeah I think he is a keeper. 



JakodaCD OA said:


> Sorry you don't get help from your husband, that type of situation would peeve me to no end.
> 
> All of the animals I've ever had, were bought by me, adopted by me, but my husband is a willing participant, THANK GOD,,if he's not scooping poop, I am, if I can't feed the dogs because I'm working, he does, if he isn't locking up the chickens at nite, I am.
> 
> ...


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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Lily's master
I feel for you! I do think we are in the same boat and it stinks! Oh well life goes on. Good luck!

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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks selzer
I have decided to just take total care of the dogs, and to continue to train his pup. I am going to have to figure out how to still get enough one on one with zoey though.

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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi mego
We are happy( usually!) But on dogs we disagree. His dogs love him more and im definately good with that. That's why it really upsets me that he doesn't take care of them. They would much rather train/work for him.

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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Gwenwyfair
Yes my hubbys a great cook too! Im really going to try to focus on the things he does do/will do more.

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## Bridget (Apr 5, 2004)

When we were a young couple, my husband kept bringing home dogs without consulting me and I didn't really want ANY dogs. I had young children, worked full-time and didn't feel like I had time to take care of dogs too. I would have been ok with it if he had cared for the dogs, as promised, but of course it wound up falling to me, which I resented enormously. Eventually, he rehomed the dogs. They really didn't get good care while in our home and I feel really bad about that now. Even though it isn't your responsibility, I think you will regret it if you don't care for his dogs. Like Selzer suggested, just find another way to justify it. 

On a happier note, things do get better (and men grow up!). We work together now to care for the animals. I do more of the work and probably always will, but he will help out; I just have to ask. Recently, we were talking about officially adopting our foster dog, but he has also spoken of getting another choc. lab. I looked him right in the eye and told him I am not living with five dogs. When a lab puppy became available, he told the breeder sorry.


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## zoey's mom (Apr 11, 2013)

Thankyou Bridget
That's good to hear. Just one question. Could you let me know at what age

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## Bridget (Apr 5, 2004)

Hahahaha. Mine achieved adulthood at about.....40.


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