# Dad as alpha male



## jm513 (Oct 9, 2011)

So, our trainer has told us that my husband will have alpha male status just because. Ok, fine, no problem (as long as he knows he only gets it from the dog!!). However, I am curious as to how to deal with this. I am the one who spends all day with him and works with him on a constant basis. We're doing just fine .... until dad gets home. Then it doesn't matter what I say or do, if Dad doesn't say it - he's not listening. Dad doesn't even have to be in the room - just home. For example, tonight - he jumped up on the couch (onto a pile of laundry my husband left there- another story! lol) and I told him to get down and he just stared at me with the "whatev" look on his face. My husband came into the room and said "down" and he jumped right off. FRUSTRATING. I even had roast beef for a training treat earlier and he still didn't listen to me - he looked at my husband. My husband thinks I may be going a bit batty with the training, but we have another dog who was never trained well (she's almost 15 now) and I'm not doing that again. So, while he'll back me up - he's not really "into" the process. Is this just something I'm going to have to learn to deal with or will my relationship with Jedi improve enough over the coarse of working together that he'll listen to me without having to have dad's approval first? It is such an ego bust to be like "oh oh! look what we did today, he's doing so well!!" then to try and show my husband and have Jedi totally ignore me and look to him. I'm like "dude, I'm trying to make you look good here, help me out!"


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## Emoore (Oct 9, 2002)

This idea that your dog has to respect your husband and not you is ridiculous. You are the alpha pair, as is common in most wolf packs. YOU need to work with your puppy and teach him to respect YOU, not just your husband. If your trainer refuses to help you do this, find a new trainer.


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## Twyla (Sep 18, 2011)

Our lab did the same thing. I did and am doing the time with feeding, training, walked etc etc. She did great, followed commands, knew and didn't push the boundaries set (unlike my GSD  ). She knows what is expected of her at this stage.... until DH got home, then it was a whole other story. He even asked one time whether or not I spent any time with her :shocked:

After talking with the trainer, the plan we came up with was one already in use... NILIF. Except, everything had to come from me. She wanted to play, it had to be me. Her evening walk, it was with me. Anything that was done before with DH, was with me instead. If she went to DH with her puppy dog eyes, she was ignored. It took about a month, with some acting out to begin with, but it worked.


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## jm513 (Oct 9, 2011)

I don't think its an issue with the trainer, she just made the comment. The problem is that my husband is not the one who works with him, I am. I don't know if I am doing something totally wrong or if he just flat our respects my husband more because he's bigger. Like I said, during the day - we're golden. He's doing awesome on all of the work we're doing - and he does awesome with me - but as soon as my husband shows up its game over for me. 


Thanks Twyla=-) I started typing my response before I saw yours. We'll try that! Most of what is done is with me, but my husband does do evening walks. He is also the one who "plays rough" with him - which he loves - but my skin is not as tough as his, those puppy teeth hurt when he gets going! lol! We're working on "gentle", but once he goes into hard play mode - all bets are off there!


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## Cassidy's Mom (Mar 30, 2003)

Men usually have deeper voices than we do. They are often physically more imposing than we are, and they tend to move differently too. That can make a difference to a dog, who understands tone of voice and body language way better than he does the words you say to him.

A great book that talks about this sort of thing is Patricia McConnell's book The Other End of the Leash. In addition to doing NILIF, practice giving commands in a firm manner, deepen your voice, stand tall, and move decisively, project confidence. You may find that it makes a difference.


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## jm513 (Oct 9, 2011)

thanks! I just took a look at her site and there are actually a few books that look very useful! I have Jedi in a puppy class now but honestly - I'm getting better information from reading and online videos than I am at class - and this forum has EVERYTHING!. We'll keep going through all the obedience stages as much for socialization as anything else, but our current trainer is ....iffy (I didn't think her alpha male comment was crazy or anything, but other stuff is off) I made a comment the other night about engagement and she said "what do you mean, engagement?" :shocked: And she doesn't seem thrilled that I'm researching stuff outside of class, which seems odd to me. So we'll switch classes when this is over and see how it goes - but I'll definitely check out those books as well!


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## chelle (Feb 1, 2009)

jm513 said:


> thanks! I just took a look at her site and there are actually a few books that look very useful! I have Jedi in a puppy class now but honestly - I'm getting better information from reading and online videos than I am at class - and this forum has EVERYTHING!. We'll keep going through all the obedience stages as much for socialization as anything else, but our current trainer is ....iffy (I didn't think her alpha male comment was crazy or anything, but other stuff is off) I made a comment the other night about engagement and she said "what do you mean, engagement?" :shocked: And she doesn't seem thrilled that I'm researching stuff outside of class, which seems odd to me. So we'll switch classes when this is over and see how it goes - but I'll definitely check out those books as well!


In your heart of hearts, do you feel "in charge" of this dog? I mean, you have to feel *inside of you* that you are indeed THE BOSS. (I'm not fond of the "alpha" word thing). I'm not really buying into this stuff that your hubby has alpha "just because." He has it *more easily* because he's likely bigger, his voice deeper, etc. He's likely just more "no-nonsense." The dog certainly picks up on that! You two MUST both be seen as the leaders of the home.

Next time hubby comes home and pup is doing whatever, have hubby do nothing. YOU control it. YOU make it happen - getting off the couch or whatever. I wouldn't let hubs intercede. Otherwise, it is just going to teach the pup that once dad is home, mom is useless. If he ignores your down, enforce it - not in a cruel way - but remove him from whatever. The follow through is critical! If you do not follow through, he will not take you serious. You need your hubby's help with this in that he agrees to let you do the work.


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## PaddyD (Jul 22, 2010)

My dog loves my wife and responds to her, but I'm THE MAN. It is not something I chose, the dog chose it as have all the dogs we owned. If my wife asks Abby to bring her something, Abby brings it to me. That could just be a training problem. But as with the OP's dog my dog checks with me sometimes if my wife gives a command.
The point is: I think dogs choose their Alpha, we don't choose it for them. As stated above, there are things that can be done to give a person 'creds' in the eyes of the dog but I don't think you can completely change their minds.


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## Samba (Apr 23, 2001)

Sometimes people have a presence the dogs sense. Our trainer is the alpha to one dog in class. He pees around her a lot. But, she has never done anything to the dog. She is just a lot of person to him. This type of thing may be what your trainer was speaking about...the dog's innate sense of certain people.

It doesn't matter. You can still train and have a great relationship with your dog.


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## Cassidy's Mom (Mar 30, 2003)

Samba said:


> This type of thing may be what your trainer was speaking about...the dog's innate sense of certain people.


I agree. Our first real trainer was 10 years ago with Cassidy. The trainer was a former police officer, and she had "it", even though she was a completely positive reinforcement, non-compulsion trainer. She meant business, she had the 'tude from years of practice on the job, and dogs totally got her. Something about the expectation that she would be obeyed, the natural authority that she had, without having to even try - it worked!


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## msvette2u (Mar 20, 2006)

My dogs don't listen to my husband but I'm the one who is home 24/7 with them and he's a medic so gone every 24hrs.
They listen to me. LOL


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## jm513 (Oct 9, 2011)

Thanks for all the great responses! Lots of good info and I will start making sure I am giving off the "I'm in charge" vibe. I honestly don't know that I do. I'd like to think so, but obviously I have some work to catch up to my husband. And it is ok if he always looks at my husband as THE MAN. I'm cool with that - as long as he listens to me as well. So, I'll make sure to follow through and not let my husband intervene.


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