# When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...



## flyinghayden (Oct 7, 2005)

*When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...*

We all like to think when we get a dog that we truly love and cherish, that they live out a long, comfortable, and safe life with us, that we will say a tearful heartfelt goodby as they leave us in a last embrace. Yes, we feel sad, overcome with grief, but peace usually comes quickly, the the merciful relief that we did all we could. But, how do we deal with the guilt of losing a dog in the prime of their life, even if it is an accident, or sudden illness? As, most recently in the case of Kaylee Cheyenne choking to death as her owner strugged in vain to save her, Kai's life getting snuffed out under the wheels of a car, Pancho, weeks after ingesting a bottle of Advil, and myself, yelling out into the darkness after a presumably stubborn Heidi, when in fact, she was dying, sucuumbing in icy water just 150 yards from our camp after falling through thin ice to name a few, how does one deal with the what-ifs, and had-I-been-watching-closer scenarios? I have played Heidi's scenario over and over in my head until I have nearly gone crazy, and I cannot get that last day out of my head. It was a Saturday morning in late October, and Heidi had been bugging me for some attention, a belly rub, a hug, and I was not in the mood for belly rubs and hugs, as I had more IMPORTANT stuff to do, and I started the day rather miffed at the animals who meant the world to me. A scant day later, I would be burying one of them. With the finality of never having the chance of saying, I'm sorry, I love you, or goodbye again. Oh sure, I said it plenty to the shell that was Heidi, but I will never again hear her low crooning bark when she wanted me to pay attention to her, to gently give me her paw, go to sleep sitting up with her chin on my knee, it was gone in a flash. I would give anything to replay that day over again, maybe not so much to reverse the tragedy, but more to relive my last few hours with her in a more positive manner, to give her that much wanted hug, and actually mean it instead of resenting her persistance. Or getting upset when I was tired, and rather then coming inside, she wanted to go off in some corner of the yard, and get me to rub her tummy for a few minutes, and get some"ALONE TIME" from the others.

In the face of tragedy, it really has made me a better person. Whereas, I used to get off work, and want to go home, sit down and relax with the TV remote, reserve myself for the girls on the weekends, now I am excited to get off work so I can go and spend time with them, enjoy that they are with me at work so I can spend my breaktimes and lunch hour sitting with them, in a sense, celebrating each day that I have with them. The good lord gave me Hannah almost 2 years ago. I hope he lets me have her for a few more. But I will love and cherish her, and the others as if tomorrow will be our last day together. I used to trumpet the words" Man Best Friend" alot, but sadly, it took an accident to really realize the true meaning of those words. And I will not make that mistake again.


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## 3K9Mom (Jun 12, 2006)

*Re: When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...*

I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to Camper. 

He was going in for routine surgery. I didn't want him stressed, so when the tech took him, I just handed him off and said "you'll be fine. I'll be right here." He looked back, then walked calmly with the tech into the pre-op room. I went home.

The surgery went well. The surgeon called and said he came out of anesthesia fine, so I went to bed. 

He died in the middle of the night. The surgeon called but we couldn't get there in time. It haunts me that I told him I'd be there. But I wasn't.

But I have a debt to pay to SuzyE on this forum and she doesn't know it. Her Cesar and Camper were almost the same age. One night, Suzy went to bed. When she woke up, her dear Cesar had died during the night. I cried for Suzy. Cesar was so young. He was Camper's age. She loved him so much.

But I learned from her terrible experience. We never know. I also took my young dogs for granted. After I lost one of my seniors rather unexpectedly, I re-remembered that they don't live forever. But Camper? He was so young! No, but anything can happen. By sharing her experience, Suzy gave me a gift I can never repay. There were so many times I'd be on the computer or folding laundry and Camper would walk in and plop down. Clearly, he wanted to play soccer or go for a walk. I wasn't really in the mood. But something deep inside me said "do it. Just put on your muddy shoes and do it."

There were a lot of weekends that Dh and I talked about going away, but the forecast was for rain. Should we go? Eh, it's gonna rain. But that voice inside me said "just go." 

Camper died two months short of his 3rd birthday. He was robbed. There is no other way to put it. He was a good, sweet dog that deserved a long life surrounded by those who love him and those he loved. 

But we squeezed so much living into each day. And every night, we'd announce bedtime and he'd rush to his crate for a snack which was promptly delivered. While Dh brushed his teeth, I'd crawl on the floor and halfway into Camper's crate. Many nights, he'd rest his head on my hand and I'd lie next to him and rub his nose. On nights that he was tired, he'd sort of grumble. 

But I always crawled in there, gave him a kiss on his forehead and told him I loved him, and sweet dreams. Then, funny guy, he'd come out of his crate so that Dh could say goodnight too (apparently, having me in his crate was bad enough, but Dad is just too big to share a crate with!). Then he'd go back into his crate, plop down with a big dramatic sigh.

In the back of my head, I wanted to be sure that if some day, he didn't wake up, like Cesar hadn't, that he fell asleep knowing that he was perfectly loved. 

I hope that when he was in the hospital, he knew that... that memories of all our fun-filled days together, and all those nights of good night kisses were the last thing he remembered as he left this earth. It breaks my heart that I couldn't be with him. But at least I know that virtually every day that I had him, I took the time to tell him -- actually tell him, and show him as best I could -- how much he was loved. And so did Dh. 

You're right, Richard. We only get one chance. We need to do it right.


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## Riley's Mom (Jun 7, 2007)

*Re: When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...*

FlyingHayden ... I have tears in my eyes ... I'm so sorry for what you've been through and for the loss of your dog. What a horrendous thing to have happen. 

There are many times my Riley is quite insistent (translation VERY PUSHY BOY!) on hug-time that I, too, am to busy or not in the mood. From now on, I'm going to try to remember what you've said. Thank you for reminding me that some things are more important than others and that I need to keep priorities straight.


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## Amaruq (Aug 29, 2001)

*Re: When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...*

Richard, I feel your pain. I have relived KC's death over more times than I can even count. My other dogs are helping me as best that they can but KC was my protector, my comforter. When I was hurting she was ALWAYS there for me. I still feel miserable that when SHE needed me I could not do enough. While she wasn't young my some peoples standards in my Paq she was the second youngest and had just celebrated her birthday 2 and 1/2 weeks earlier. I am SO happy that I did go all out for their birthday this year which was just a month after Arizona (KC and Rayne sister) passed due to cancer. She too was bright and vibrant one day and gone the next. Even before Ari's death I had been planning a herding party for KC and Rayne. 

KC was a protector from the very beginning. Even at 2 and 3 weeks old when pups first start to work on pecking orders within the litter, KC was always protecting the "runt", her little brother Warrick. She was CONSTANTLY beside him making sure Ari and Grissom (the brutes of the litter) would leave him alone. She always kept close tabs on Warrick and kept the others from picking on him. She also made a point to keep an eye on children, especially human toddlers. She was not raised around children and quite honestly, did not have access for socializing as she should have been. Both her and Rayne though were always gentle with the young. 

Losing KC was almost like a triple blow because of the brutal struggle and my begging for her to hang on so I could help, her age, and our closeness. The fact that SHE would have been the one to comfort me had I lost any of the others but to loose her and NOT have her comfort breaks my heart even more. I miss kissing her stop and wrapping my arms around her massive chest. The chest that was so massive, I feel now, because it had to encase the heart of one of the great ones whose heart is just larger than life. 

I have to admit I have some GREAT friends that I have through this board that have been a tremendous help behind the scenes. I am not overly close to my human family. While they love their pets they do not understand the deep bond I have with my dogs as they have become my true family. They are there when I need them. They entertain and comfort me. They are far more than "just" pets to me. While some members here seem to "get it" my family does not. 

Sorry for the babbling and rambling..... I'll shut up now.


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## SuzyE (Apr 22, 2005)

*Re: When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...*

you made my day 3k9mom, if there is any positive to come from c's death than it was not in vain. you also lost camper much too young, it isn't fair.
as i type this my old cranky girl is under my desk. MY oldest. she has outlived cesar who died suddenly at 9 months and jazmin who died after battleing cancer at 9 yrs. LOSing my youngest to a heart attack was one of the worst experiences of my life. the shock nearly killed me, seriously. i use his example all the time when people say 'oh don't get two dogs near the same age cause they will both be old" THAT is if you are very very lucky. i always thought my dogs would be ancient when they died but we never really know do we?
about three weeks after cesar's death i went and got travis from the shelter. everyone thought it was too soon, i was in a cloud of despair. i had no preference for a dog-a shepherd mix- a male? I WILL TAKE him. my daughter and i needed that little guy, we never put him down.he looked identical to jazmin.
who would know that two yrs later my precious jazmin would die from cancer? and here is travis to keep paige company, he acquired many of jazmin's little traits. once again that little random shelter mutt helped me and paige in such a huge way.
we must love them everyday assuming each day could be their last. the most important lesson is that we must always keep our heart open to loving another dog. each dog brings something meaningful and special into our lives. you can't replace dogs but you CAN LOVE another dog.
when cesar died i posted in the am and when i looked at the bb i had like four pages of responses. i was so touched by everyone's concern, it helped a lot. we have to be there for each other. i have lost two dogs tragically and i am still standing. never stop owning dogs no matter how devastating their deaths are.


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## Anja1Blue (Feb 27, 2008)

*Re: When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...*

Richard I am so sorry for you loss, and for your pain. We beat ourselves up after these things happen, because along with grief comes the guilt. I think the healing does in part begin when we realize that there is a lesson to be learned from these traumatic occurrences, and, as you state, you hopefully become a better person for it. 
In 2000 I took our beautiful Kira, a rescued Akita/Chow mix about 6.5 years old, in to have her teeth cleaned. Two hours later the vet called and said that while under the anesthetic her breathing had stopped, and nothing they could do would resuscitate her. I had handed her over to the vet tech without saying goodbye because I fully expected to pick her up later.
An autopsy revealed that her lungs were full of calcium deposits,and samples of tissue from the spleen and liver sent to CSU showed that she most likely had osteo or lymphosarcoma, and would probably have died within two months without treatment. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND AS TO NOT NOTICE SHE WAS SICK? Well easily as it happened, because there weren't any huge red flags. On a few occasions I caught her panting hard, and without apparent reason (weather was cool, and she wasn't running around.) But the episodes passed, and they weren't concurrent. Towards the end, her eyes were a bit on the teary side, and her gums were inflamed (hence the need, I thought, for cleaning.) However,her energy level remained high, and she was eating and drinking normally without any vomiting or diarrhea. I was devastated, and it took me years to realize that in fact it was the kinder thing to happen - she went quietly to sleep and never woke up again. Had she lived, because she was fast approaching the point of no return, we would have been faced with discovery of the disease, and a choice of either euthanizing her to avoid inevitable suffering, or chemo treatments which would only have extended her life for a few months. (And would not have been considered.)

I know this is very different from your situation - what is the same is the fact that we weren't there when our beloved friend was dying: we couldn't comfort her and tell her how much we loved her. It is a helpless, miserable feeling - but trust me, as time passes, the pain is dulled, and you will focus not on the one time you feel you failed your buddy, but on all the times when you know you did your best for her.

Healing thoughts to you.....

________________________________________
Susan

Anja GSD
Conor GSD - adopted from this Board
BLue GSD - at the Bridge


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## Spiritsmam (Nov 10, 2007)

*Re: When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...*

Richard, reading your post brought tears to my eyes, I'm so sorry for what you went through. I too lost a pup very unexpectedly. His name was Bram and he was a black lab/GSD mix. I rescued him at 2 years old - he had 5 previous hoimes and still spent 6 months of his life in a shelter. He was deemed to be unadoptable, so of course I took him in. Bram was the love of my life, my one in a lifetime dog who I would have given my life for. He had terrible epilepsy, our bond so great that I would be at work and know when he was having a seizure.

May 26th 2005 I got up at 11pm, as I was going to drive to Atlanta to pick up Spirit from the airport. That evening Bram had been a bit slower on his walk - I thought he was being stubborn. As I was about to leave the house I saw Bram lying on his side, just not acting right. I almost left him, but something told me I needed to get him to a vet. I rushed him to the vet school and we found he had a hemoabdomen. He was in surgery by 2am and I got the dreaded "your dog has cancer" news by 3.30. His liver was a mess but the surgeon thought he may have a few weeks. At 7am he was set up in ICU. I asked to see him but they said they were busy and suggested I came back at 4pm when things would be quieter and Bram more stable. It was not to be - at 11am I got a strange feeling and 11.05 the phone rang to say Bram had died. It turned out to be hepatic hemangiosarcoma. I had no idea Bram was so sick - how did I not see changes? 

In 2005 I had no urns/ashes on my shelf - I now have 9. Some are of dear friends who spent long lives with me, others for pups who were with me only hours (Snow Princess) or days (Caoimhe). At times I look at them all and cry, wishing they had lived forever, but most of the time I smile, glad that in some small way I managed to make a difference.

God speed my angels: Bonnie, Bram, Shep, Drift, Feidhlimdh, Jim, Caoimhe, Niamh and Snow Princess.

God bless my pups: Spirit, Eli, Aoibhe, Darwin, Sam, Duncan, Brigh and Tesla.


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## onyx'girl (May 18, 2007)

*Re: When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...*

You all have been so blessed by the great companions in your lives. Take comfort in knowing you provided the love and care they may not have gotten had you not been the chosen family for them. Losing one is never easy, but when it is unexpected the healing of your heart takes forever. 
Thank you for sharing,







we are all wiping tears reading this thread-for sure. And giving our pups big, big hugs!


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## Ilovealldogs (Nov 17, 2006)

*Re: When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...*

I don't want to be repetitive, so I'll just simply say I know exactly how you feel. Although I held my dog, who was in a sleep or close to it when my vet entered the drugs, I was able to hold her and tell her how much I loved her and that I was doing this horrible thing for her and not for me as I would have held on until she died naturally. I just couldn't be that selfish because the cancer was in her lungs and my vet said that she would have suffocated to death. I could not handle putting her through that and I knew the time was near, but couldn't face it well. I still can't. I put on a brave smile everyday, but deep down I grieve tremendously. I wish I could turn back the time and have spent more time with her- as many of you have stated. I have prayed and asked for her forgiveness and God's for my sometimes selfish ways. I only pray that God gives me the opportunity to make up for it in heaven.

Some of you may want to look into reading some pet loss/pet grief books. I bought one off eBay and it has helped. Although when I read it I end up crying and crying, it does help my mind. Richard, there is a section in there about accidents and things like that also (such as dealing with what happens if your pet is lost forever, loss through divorce, etc.). The book I bought is called "The Loss of a Pet" by Wallace Sife. Although reading it doesn't take away the pain, it rationalizes things and does help in some form.


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## aubie (Dec 22, 2008)

*Re: When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...*

Richard, that was beautiful and reminds us how little time we actually have with our furry angels. It is awful when they've lived long lives and you get to help them go over the bridge, but it's another kind of awful when they leave you unexpectedly.

Dec. 18. My husband calls me at work saying come home, come home now. I hear a worried, scared tone from him I've never heard, I demand to know what's going on and he tells me he thinks Maggie is dead. Maggie, my dalmatian of eight years, who I said goodbye to just that morning. I tell him to meet me at the vets office. 

I fly out of my office, get in my car and speed down the interstate. He appears, carrying her and our vet says there's nothing he can do. I collapse. We still don't know what happened, she was at the foot of the bed, snorted and when DH got there she seemed fine, then she just died. He beats himself up, still, for not knowing dog CPR, but we don't think it would have helped.

Now, we spend even more time with our pets. Go on extra walks, feed them better, spoil them a little more. Cherish every minute, every second with such enthusiasm and the love that they have for us.


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## DancingCavy (Feb 19, 2001)

*Re: When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...*

What a touching series of posts. It's so hard to know our dogs' lives are short and even more difficult when something unexpected takes them from us sooner than we'd hoped. But I do know that every one of you is a caring owner and that your dogs love you no matter what.

Risa is my first dog so I have no canine stories of regret. However, it still hurts to this day to think of the passing of the guinea pigs I've had before. 

As tough as it is, all you can do is your best. Take the time to enjoy their company as much as you can. Know that some things are just beyond your control.

*HUGS* to you all.


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## Qyn (Jan 28, 2005)

*Re: When you don't have the chance to say goodbye...*

I wish either of us had been with Buddy when he died but he did know he was loved. However, these posts have already meant that I am giving Quynne even more attention and will be aware of any lack of tolerance on my part.

Thanks to all who posted .... this is a very worthwhile topic.


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