# I lost my best friend today.



## Caitlin

It is with great sadness that I come on here tonight to tell you all that Mali has passed away. 

Some of you may remember my post back in September regarding strange symptoms Mali was demonstrating. I took her to the vet for a general checkup, bloodwork, etc and she was diagnosed with an internal infection and the symptoms were attributed to that. She was put on antibiotics and for a while she seemed fine. Mostly back to normal, enjoying long walks, etc.

Then, this weekend my world came crashing down. I found her laying down (with her head up so I wasn't immediately concerned) and went to get her leash. She didn't get up. I figured, oh, the infection must be flaming up a bit and she's uncomfortable and went over to comfort her and that's when I noticed her huge swollen belly. Checked her gums, and they were pale, definitely not right.

She was rushed to the vet Monday morning. They took her back on a stretcher and I waited in the front hoping for good news. Then the vet came out and led me back to a different room. I could tell it was not good news simply because of how he looked at me, and his tone of voice when he started speaking.

Hemangiosarcoma, most likely of the spleen. Tumor ruptured, and her belly was swollen because it was filled with blood. They had her on fluids, trying to make her a bit more comfortable. My options were surgery, follwed by chemotherapy which according in my vet could possibly result in another month to five months of life. My other option was humane euthanasia.

The vet walked out of the room and I lost it. I went to my car and called my fiance, then my mom. I did not know what to do. I was not ready to make this decision.

After about twenty minutes of intense deliberating, myself, my fiance, and my mother decided that euthanasia was the right choice. I know there are never any "right choices" and I am feeling confused and heartbroken because maybe, surgery and chemo would have helped a lot, but I did not want her to have to go through surgery, overnight care, chemotherapy, being away from home, being poked and prodded, especially given the general outcomes of treatment.

I stopped crying, went back in and told my vet. He brought her into the room, by then I had stopped crying. She hates when I cry so I didn't want to cry in front of her. I spent some time with her, scratched all her favorite spots, laughed and smiled just talking to her. I called the vet in and he went through what you all know is the worst thing to ever have to imagine. I kept my emotions in check until her last breath and then allowed myself to lose it.

I want to go hiking with her again. I want to take her for another walk along the Potomac river. I want to play fetch with her again, and hug her while she cuddles with me in bed. I want to make her special birthday meals again. I want my cats to get their momma bear back. I want children to giggle when she licks their faces again. I want, I want, I want, and I can't have these things happen again, and it hurts. I have been alternating through so many emotions during the last fifteen hours. I have thought I couldn't cry anymore only to be walking down the hallway and randomly collapse in sobs. I keep glancing at her dog bed, her water bowl, and her box of toys and nothing feels right.

I do not believe in heaven or anything, so I can't believe she is "in a better place" or anything like that, but I do know she had a little over ten years of a good life, and up until this last month, was seemingly happy and healthy the entire time. I wish I had caught this earlier, though from what the vet has said and the little research I've done, it is hard to catch early it seems.

Goodbye Mali, my sweet baby, best friend, protector, confidant, biggest fan, first German Shepherd, my heart.

You came into my life when I was 13 and saw me through ten years of life. I will never ever forget you and I am so sorry I couldn't take you on one last walk. I love you and you will always and forever be the perfect dog.

Mali. :gsdsit:
October 14th, 2003- October 28th, 2013


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## Caliber Canines

Caitlin, 
My name is Scott, and I am so sorry for your loss, trust that Mali is no longer suffering because you made the decision that no pet parent ever wants to make, thanks to you for being brave enough to do that for her,... Hold no guilt on yourself, for this situation, but always hold on to the precious time you had with her. 
Know that she is at peace....


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## Loneforce

I am sorry for your loss of your beautiful Mali


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## My5dogs

I am so sorry.


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## COSprings_John

You were brave for her. Deepest sympathies for your loss.


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## ksotto333

So very sorry for your loss, your words are so touching as you write what all of us fear the most. Take care.


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## JeanKBBMMMAAN

Catlin - I am so sorry for your loss. I remember Mali (and you) growing up here and this is a heartbreak, it truly is. 

I lost my Bruno to a splenic tumor a year and a half ago. I still can't think of that day, so give yourself room and time, and know that she knows how much she meant to you.


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## Caitlin

Thanks everyone. I have been alternating all night between sobbing, sleeping, and silently staring at nothing, as well as reading so many old threads about hemangiosarcoma. It seems many of us have gone through this. It isn't fair.

Here is a picture from just last week. Our youngest cat liked to sleep on her when it was chilly in the house. She, as you can see, obliged every time. For the life of me I could not have imagined she would be gone a week later after I took this. 









I got up in the middle of the night to get some water and without thinking about it turned on the hallway light so I wouldn't trip over her since she likes lying in the middle of the hallway. But she is not there. My fiance found me sobbing against the wall in the kitchen.

I know this will get better over time but it doesn't feel like it.


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## KatsMuse

Caitlin, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. 

:rip: Mali

Kat


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## Shade

I'm very sorry for your loss :hugs: RIP Mali


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## LaRen616

I am so sorry for your loss of Mali. 

RIP sweet girl.


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## Rangers_mom

I am so sorry. If it makes you feel any better I have a friend who works in a vet office as a tech. She told me that after years of watching dogs go through Chemo she would never put one of her dogs through that.

Also I would like to say that like you I do not believe in an afterlife but....
I have a story that always makes me wonder. My first dog had 2 good friends that she played with all the time. One of the dogs was much older and passed before the other 2. About a week after his death the other 2 dogs stopped abruptly mid play and both stared at the same spot - about 10 feet outside their old friend's front door. Both dogs stared at that spot and started barking. Not an aggressive bark but an earnest bark like "hey, what are you doing? Come over here." Both of us dog owners were totally spooked and convinced despite all logic our pups were seeing their old friend.

Mali was a beautiful dog. What sweet pictures. I am so sorry she is gone and you are going through this.


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## pyratemom

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know nothing can make it an easier but time will dull the pain some and help with living day by day. I remember expecting to see Pyrate at the door when I came home long after he was gone. It doesn't really get any easier but with time perspective will come and you know you did the only right thing for your loved furry one. One day you will meet at the Rainbow bridge. I have to truly believe this or I couldn't go on.


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## Daisy&Lucky's Mom

I am so sorry for your loss of your precious girl. It is so hard to let them go. We lost our Daisy a year ago in July. I miss her still . Mali is watching you from a place where she is feels no pain. I truly believe we will see our beloved furry family memebers again. Take care.


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## lyssa62

I am so sorry. 
I have to believe for my sake that our beloved pets return to us in soul. I have a cat right now that I have NO DOUBT in my mind holds the souls of 3 of my cats I had growing up. 
Hold tight of those memories! Hugs to you!!!!!


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## Lilie

So much I'd like to do for you to make this sad event easier for you. Sadly, there isn't much I can say that will make you feel better. If I knew the words I would offer them freely. 

I do home you find comfort in knowing your memories of you beloved dog will help ease the pain later as the years pass. I hope you can find it in your heart to open your door and your home to another dog who needs you as much as you need them. Not today, not tomorrow. But as time moves on you will cross paths with another who needs you.


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## sitstay

Caitlin, I am so very sorry. It breaks my heart that this horrible disease has gotten another of our dogs.
Sheilah


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## lzver

So sorry about your loss. They become such a huge part of our lives that it's hard when we have to say goodbye. ((Hugs)). Run free Mali.


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## GSDGunner

I am so sorry for your loss. I've been through it and still dread the thought of losing my precious boy some day. With every birthday he has I die a little inside.
I know you don't believe in heaven but I do. I like to think there's something after this life. I believe Mali is running free somewhere. Free of the pain and knowing he was truly loved while on this earth.
I think you now have a wonderful new guardian angel to watch over you.

Hopefully the pain you are feeling will subside and you can think of the good times you had with your sweet boy. :hug:


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## Msmaria

I'm so sorry , I can't even imagine what your going through right now. I can only hope that coming here we can offer some support and help you during this time. From everything you wrote about your girl, we know she was loved deeply and I'm sure she loved you too. To have 10 years of the kind of love that you gave her , she was blessed to have you, and you her.


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## selzer

I am sorry. I know how much you loved Mali. 

The long and the short of it is that we cannot share in the life of a critter, without sharing their death. If we do not experience the grief and sarrow at their passing, then we did not experience the joy that they bring into our lives. It is terribly hard to lose them. And nothing can make that any easier. But you will come to a place where you will think more about all the good things that you and Mali shared much more than the trauma of losing her. 

She had a good home and a good life. She knew that she was loved. And in the end, you did not let her suffer needlessly. I think it is part of the grieving process to wonder what if. What if I could have caught this sooner, what if she responded well to the surgery and chemo, what if I did something to bring this on. In the end, it is a fact of mortality that baring an injury/accident, an illness will get us and those we love. 

I am sorry. There really isn't anything to say that makes it any easier. You definitely did the right thing for your girl. You acted out of your love for her. She will live on, she lives in your heart and in your memories of her.


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## Peyton's mom

Dear Caitlin,
My name is Holly, I am an American, living in Holland, and I recently had my lifelong wish of owning my own German Shepherd fulfilled. My husband was bitten by one when he was a toddler and as a result has always been against the idea of owning a dog. He finally agreed when I told him that if anything ever happened to him one day, God forbid, I would look for solace in the paws of a Shepherd. Peyton is now 4 and a half months old, and my husband, Nick, is absolutley crazy about him. He finally gets it! I took Peyton to training tonight and was so discouraged by his pulling on the leash, a habit he has recently developed. And tomorrow, on my day off, I will be cleaning all of our floors on my hands and knees to remove the scent of little accidents in the house. Sometimes it feels like two steps forward and three steps back. And then I read your heartbreaking story, and it puts everything into perspective. The tears are running down my face. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss and for the fact that you had no warning. The lack of closure makes it so hard. It breaks my heart to see the beautiful picture of Mali with your kitty taken only a week ago. My sister, Lillie, had something similar happen to her Golden, Daisy, and she has mourned her loss for the longest time. Give yourself permission to grieve for as long as it takes and one day you'll be able to give another Shepherd your love and devotion, while still holding Mali in a special place all her own in your heart. 
And I promise to be patient with my Peyton and to try to be half the mom to him that you were to Mali. 
Take care. 



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## lafalce

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my girl last week to spine issues. She was just shy of 13 years old.

I know excately how you feel.


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## Cassidy's Mom

I am so sorry, Caitlin.  I remember back when you joined the board - Mali was a little over a year old, I believe. Such a beautiful girl! :wub: 

It's horrible that she was gone so quickly, but I think you made the right decision, and hopefully she didn't suffer long. *hugs*


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## trcy

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was a wreck for 4 days after I lost Riley. As in a don't even really remember those days. I totally understand the breaking out in sobs at times throughout the day. I cried myself to sleep for a month. It's been two months now and I still miss him. The crying is less often though....(hugs)


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## elisabeth_00117

I am so very sorry for your loss...


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## Saphire

I am so sorry your going through this. There are no words that will help, only time.

Hugs


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## holland

She was a sweet girl-she grew up with you-I am so sorry for your loss-thinking of you


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## Remo

No words of comfort will take away your pain, but I think it helps to know that others are holding you and Mali in their hearts and thoughts at this sad time. 

I don't mind the hair, picking up the poop, or even the vet bills, but these giant sized holes that they leave in our hearts are really hard to bear.


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## MyBoy

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It actually brings tears to my eyes as I have had to go through similar experiences with my GSD I lost in 2011 from lymphomia. It will become easier with time. I know right now that does not seem possible. You have her a wonderful life. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## 1sttimeforgsd

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl, I myself lost one to the same disease a little over 2 wks ago. Your precious memories will always be with you where you can keep them in your heart. Run free Mali.:rip:


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## TAR HEEL MOM

I'm so very very sorry. Wishing you peace and comfort.


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## Daisy

Caitlin, my sincere condolences to you for the loss of your, beautiful, precious Mali. My heart is breaking for you. Please be at peace knowing you did the best thing for her, and she did not suffer. Sometimes, trying to treat and extend life causes more suffering. My GSD is my heart, my other 1/2. She would crawl up into me if she could. I would have done the same as you to show her how much I love her. Again, I'm so sorry.


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## Fade2Black

Sometimes life is like a fan. It Blows on one side and Sucks on the other.....

Computers have system restore. German Shepherds should be allowed one system restore to make them better again....

German Shepherds leave paw prints on the heart. RIP Mali....


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## readaboutdogs

So sorry. As said above, let yourself grieve, their love for us, and our love for them is worth every tear. Peace to you and your family.


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## meek

I am so so very sorry.


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## JakodaCD OA

I am so very sorry


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## lorihd

so sorry for your loss, and big hugs to you


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## Rangers_mom

Caitlin, how are you doing? Thinking of you.


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## meek

your doggie is waiting at the Bridge for you. always Believe.


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## Caitlin

Thank you everyone for the kind words, and those of you who also lost dogs recently, I am so sorry for you as well. It is truly the worst thing I have been though in my 23 years of life.

I am doing slightly better, I went back to work today and was able to keep my emotions under control. 

Already we have had a theft incident at our house. Electronics stolen. Just another reminder that she is gone because no one dared come in when she was here. 

Her leash and all of her things are still in the same place, and I'm not ready to move them yet. Not sure when I will be.


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## arycrest

:teary: I'm so sorry for your loss of your beautiful Mali. Hemangiosarcoma is a silent killer, my heart bleeds for you.


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## s14roller

Sorry to hear of your loss. It's apparently she was loved and lived in a good home. Remember that Mali would have loved to see you smile and laugh.


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## Wetdog

Hi Caitlin----I remember you and Mali well.............I have often wondered how you both were getting along.

I am sorry to hear the bad news.  But at the same time, Mali could not have had a better life than she had with you. Remember the good times, and write them down for yourself to read later............I think someday you will be glad you did.


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## Cthulhu_Cult

Hi Caitlin,

You have my deepest sympathies for your loss. I am still recovering from the devastating blow of losing Odin last month, so I too am experiencing how it can emotionally and sometimes physically cripple us for a time.

After reading your latest post, some of the pain came rushing back - especially about the theft - I am so sorry. Dogs are no guarantee, but they truly are a deterrent. 

The evening Odin passed, my 7 yo. was crying and asked "Who will protect us now????" Despite my years in judo and jiu jitsu and all the firearms training, I felt weak and hobbled...ineffective...and still do. 

It truly is like losing an appendage.

So my heart goes out to you and hope you find peace and happiness again.

I am doing my best to man-up today and take up Odin's food bowls and his bed from our bedroom. 

Take care,

Mike



Caitlin said:


> Thank you everyone for the kind words, and those of you who also lost dogs recently, I am so sorry for you as well. It is truly the worst thing I have been though in my 23 years of life.
> 
> I am doing slightly better, I went back to work today and was able to keep my emotions under control.
> 
> Already we have had a theft incident at our house. Electronics stolen. Just another reminder that she is gone because no one dared come in when she was here.
> 
> Her leash and all of her things are still in the same place, and I'm not ready to move them yet. Not sure when I will be.


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## Drakegsd

Oh no! I am so sorry for your loss, Caitlin  I have not been on this board much past few years but I have always had a soft spot for you and Mali. I enjoyed watching both of you grow, mature and experience things over the years thru your posts and photos. My heart breaks for you

Julia


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## wolfstraum

I am so sorry for your loss Caitlin..... <<<hugs>>>

Surgery and chemo is hard on them....a friend clung to that 5-6 month comment, and lost the dog in 10 days after the surgery.....which was terrible on her.....I think you made the best decision for her, no matter how much it hurts you....my own boy was let go to the bridge in May, he had a family history of this (his litter sister being lost at about 7 I think!) and he was just past 12....I KNOW how much it hurts, and how you still look for them....I wish he was still here shoving a ball onto my keyboard.... 

All we can say is that we understand and share your pain - for your Mali and for our own losses...

Lee


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## Jelpy

I'm sorry you lost your Mali. She was a truly beautiful GSD. 

The theft of the electronics makes everything even more painful. 

Whatever you decide about a new dog is up to you; try to remember that Mali would want you safe and happy. She devoted her life to that and wouldn't want anything to change now that she's gone. 

Jelpy


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## GSDBESTK9

I'm very sorry for your loss.


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## blackshep

I'm so sorry. I love the pic of Mali and your kitty sleeping.

((hugs))


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## Brando & Julietta's Dad

So sorry for your loss of your beautiful girl Mali.


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## loulabelle23

I cried stop it so saddd so sorry to hear

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## zyppi

So Sorry,
I know how your heart hurts!

You'll never, ever forget, but time will ease the hurt and your good memories will be there forever.


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## jaybizy1800

I’m deeply sorry for your loss. You may never take her on walks or cuddle with her in bed, but the pictures you posted will forever make us smile. =) She looks like such a sweet dog.​


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## middleofnowhere

Caitlin, I'm just now catching this. For what it is worth, spleenectomy & chemo bought Barker the Younger about 4 6 months. Hemangio shows up abruptly & doesn't really give you much of an option.
You are right that Mali had a good life with you and you with her. I think she would be honored if you were to bring another dog into your life. I know they take a piece of your heart with them when they die but I think that makes our hearts better.


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