# :help: Wife changed her mind. We are not having a dog? ?



## jingyong0815 (Apr 16, 2014)

Hi all, 
I really need your input. Thank you. 
My wife is not dog/animal fan. She has no experience with any animals in the past. (From my understanding, she thinks them are monsters.... sounds ridiculous to me, but well....) But she knows I am a dog lover. When I was little, I had dogs, cats, birds, turtle.... you name it. After we moved into hour new home, we finally got enough space to have our own dog. So having a dog became one of our topics in the past few months. Of course she was never excited when we were talking about this, but she compromised and agree to let me have a dog. She even patted one of my friends’ dog at her birthday party, which was surprised me. I would still think that was a historical moment. During past few months, I started contacting GSD owners, breeders, even local GSD meetup to get more knowledge and information. Last week, I finally decided to put $300 deposit on a newly born male GSD puppy. 
HOWEVER, when I told her I finally found the right puppy and the puppy will come home in a month, she was freaking out and getting upset. She told me she did not expect I could find a dog that fast. I am so disappointed and we had big argument. She said she has no choice if I insist on having a dog/puppy. But she won’t take care of the dog at all, and will only stay far away from dog. And the dog is not allowed to go upstairs. 
A little background about us. We do have kids, she is not pregnant at this point, but we do have plan to have kid in the near future. I already consulted a lot dog owners see if we can have dog at home before/during her pregnancy when I am at work. For some reason, she was tested toxoplasmosis positive (forgive me if I used wrong word) a year ago. Now she is IgM and IgG antibodies positive. (we have no idea why she got this and how it was cured.) I know she is worried certain transmitted diseases between dog and human beings and could endanger baby’s health. 
I DO want this puppy. Very much! But I don’t want to make her unhappy every day and stay away from me and dog like we are enemies. It is not good to the puppy either. 
What should I do? I don’t care the $300, but if I don’t take the puppy home, I will just be honest to the breeder and she keeps the money as I promised. She is really nice lady! 

Please throw out your inputs. I really appreciate it if you can share your experience. 

Have a nice day to you and your beautiful puppies! 
:help:


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## royals17 (Feb 15, 2015)

well....
she doesn't like dogs at all? Maybe if she met a cute little puppy and it was all sweet (the pup you want) she would have a change of heart? That's all I can think of right now... but I don't know your wife. 

Good luck and hope you get your dog!


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## jingyong0815 (Apr 16, 2014)

royals17 said:


> well....
> she doesn't like dogs at all? Maybe if she met a cute little puppy and it was all sweet (the pup you want) she would have a change of heart? That's all I can think of right now... but I don't know your wife.
> 
> Good luck and hope you get your dog!


She just does not like animals. 
Thats why we were looking for a puppy to start with. 

I am so desperate.


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## shepherdmom (Dec 24, 2011)

jingyong0815 said:


> She just does not like animals.
> 
> Thats why we were looking for a puppy to start with.
> 
> ...



Walk from the deposit. You can't force her to like animals. If she is having your kids that needs to come first. Sorry you are in this situation but you can't change someone no matter how desperately you want too.


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## Liesje (Mar 4, 2007)

I don't know how we can help. I would get on the same page before getting a dog.

My husband is not involved with my dogs, but he is not against me having them. If we weren't married, he would not have them, but he understands they are important to me. He is very busy with work, sports that he plays/coaches, and finishing his masters degree and I am very busy training and competing with my dogs. I do all of their care, unless it is something I specifically ask him to do (feed one, let one out....). But he doesn't hate animals, his family had dogs growing up.

My aunt is borderline between not liking and hating animals and my uncle has always had a dog, but he has a working lab that lives outside in a kennel. She has ZERO invovlement with his dog and the dog has never been allowed inside. She probably doesn't even know how old his current dog is. This is just fine because my uncle does not keep a dog as a pet, he keeps a dog either for part of his job, or his hobby of having a bird dog for hunting.


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## onyx'girl (May 18, 2007)

I would not continue to want a puppy or any pet if my spouse was so anti....that said, I've never been attracted to anyone that isn't an animal lover. 
Opposite, in high school the guys who I dated if they had a dog, was what appealed to me, and the breed _did_ matter, lol. 
You can't really push a pup onto your wife and her lifestyle. And if the option is kennel dog, then the wife won't really know the joy of having a companion if the dog is constantly in a kennel and the energy level is compounding which can cause bad behavior or lack of manners. Your wife won't want a smelly dog that is exuberant in her face just because the dog wants love and affection from her.


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## wolfy dog (Aug 1, 2012)

Stick with your wife and kids and don't risk trouble in your marriage. A GSD pup is going to grow up to be a big dog that requires a lot of responsibility. It is not the best breed to manipulate a spouse with the cute puppy stage. It is going to back fire if you go through with this against her and the dog and the kids will pay the price, and you probably too. And the fun of finally getting your way and having a pup, quickly wears off if it causes a rift between you and your wife.
I know it is after the fact, but communicating about these ideas and desires is crucial before committing to a relationship. This thread may help others avoid this dilemma.


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## jingyong0815 (Apr 16, 2014)

wolfy dog said:


> Stick with your wife and kids and don't risk trouble in your marriage. A GSD pup is going to grow up to be a big dog that requires a lot of responsibility. It is not the best breed to manipulate a spouse with the cute puppy stage. It is going to back fire if you go through with this against her and the dog and the kids will pay the price, and you probably too. And the fun of finally getting your way and having a pup, quickly wears off if it causes a rift between you and your wife.
> I know it is after the fact, but communicating about these ideas and desires is crucial before committing to a relationship. This thread may help others avoid this dilemma.


Thats what I am worried about. It's not fair to force something she doesn't like on her. its not fair to the puppy either.


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## Nikitta (Nov 10, 2011)

Well, I had a guy stop by with his son. They had a male GSD and were looking for a female to breed with. Their story was the wife was totally against getting a dog especially one in the house and now she was nuts about the dog. ( Jasira was way to young at the time.) But i tend to agree with the other posts. Don't push a dog on your wife.


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## DutchKarin (Nov 23, 2013)

You could try couples counseling to talk about differences and compromise. While maybe the dog issue is a lost cause, it seems like there is a bit of rigidity that could really cause problems in child rearing. And then of course there is the child. When I was young I brought every stray animal home. Drove my parents nuts so they got me a poodle which was better to them than the strays... but I got my dog. ;-)
Best.


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## Pretzels (Aug 11, 2014)

What about trying a smaller breed of dog, maybe your wife would find that more tolerable? German shepherds can be pretty big and rambunctious, and also shed a lot. They're just a lot of dog compared to some of the other popular breeds. I would also say that they are more sensitive to family conflict and negative emotions... It can really stress them out.  
If you are set on getting a dog, I would say maybe try a calmer more low maintenance breed for starters, that way you could increase the chances of your wife warming up to him. Maybe if that goes well you could someday try a GSD if that's what you have your heart set on


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## misslesleedavis1 (Dec 5, 2013)

I dislike the whiney waffling boo hoo type.
She agreed - end of story.
No reason to be childish about it, maybe suggest a quick stint in a couples counselling? 
Maybe explain how you feel,
Who knows?
Maybe don't get a dog, no need to bring a dog into a hostile sitch


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## LuvShepherds (May 27, 2012)

Back up a step. She agreed to a dog. What did she mean by that? Ask her what she had in mind? Next year? Five years from now? What kind of dog. As much as I love GSDs, if my spouse bought a dog without telling me, I wouldn't be happy and the same if I did. Why didn't you tell her you were putting down a deposit? The breeder may even give you back your deposit if you tell the person what happened. No breeder wants to place a dog in a home with an adult who doesn't want it.


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## llombardo (Dec 11, 2011)

It sounds like she was pacifying you. She didn't think you would up and do it. Marriage is a compromise. I really don't associate with people that don't like animals. I am not one to go without having a dog, so I do feel bad for the OP and hope a compromise can be made.


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

sorry. no dog. especially not a german shepherd. no point in hashing about the fact that she agreed once upon a time...when it comes right down to it you must absolutely accept the fact that you married someone who does not like animals. period. I feel bad for you, I'm sorry you're in this situation, but what is, is. I repeat, your wife does not like dogs. you are married to your wife. of course, you could try some therapy, therapy can work wonders. but my feeling is that someone who is SO against having animals is not going to change deep down in their heart. no point now in saying this is something you should have explored thoroughly before you got married. walk away from your deposit. so sorry.


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

I think that you should walk from your deposit. But do not walk away from your passion. Instead, volunteer at your local shelter and clean kennels, walk dogs, and begin training them for the shelter. 

Make this your regular hobby, and if you wife does not like you spending a reasonable amount of time on your hobby, explain that you love animals, and you want to work with them and help them, etc. You really would like to own an animal, but you accept that she really isn't accepting of that, so you are trying to work around having a animal in the home because you respect her feelings on the subject. 

At some point, you might find a critter that needs help, that she might give house room to. Sometimes a critter with special needs will melt people's hearts. And sometimes it won't. So fostering an animal has to be something both you and she agree to. And agreeing to this does not mean keeping totally away from it.


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## wolfstraum (May 2, 2003)

I have a friend who wanted a puppy.....he wanted one for years, we actually met on this site 12? 13 years ago. His wife not only dislikes dogs, but is afraid of them. He came to club, he waited over a year for me to have a litter, he brought her to club several times to see the dogs, see pups etc. She did NOT want a puppy - she conceded to his wishes and accepted that he would get a puppy. 

The puppy ended up regulated to a crate in the garage ALOT....got out, ran and played in the yard when he was home (he is a doctor, so busy schedule) but mostly back in the crate....having her in the house was a battle apparently (friend of family filled me in ALOT after I got her back). He would go to Canada to visit family regularly. The dog was boarded even though the wife and son were home. She would not care for the dog. About 16 months after buying the puppy, he returned her. Wife did NOT want the puppy, and life was not good for the pup or apparently for him, as she was always an issue between them. 


When you have a baby on the way, your wife will have more than enough on her plate...do everyone a favor - especially the pup - and pass. A dog is not someTHING that needs to be an item of compromise, it is a feeling being, and if it is not welcome, it will not go well....JMHO

Still friends with him, still talk to him.....he still wants a dog badly - but not fair to anyone to send a dog to that home.

Lee


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## wick (Mar 7, 2015)

Definitely pass on the puppy! It will not end well if you convince her into it... My boyfriend wanted a puppy in fact it was his idea, but I wanted him more... he didn't realize how much work and money they were and it ended up being a constant battle the first month, it was hard on us, me, and Wick! After lots of hard work ( I am the only one that trains or does anything to do with Wick ) Wick became a very well behaved puppy... And the boyfriend has finally warmed up and strongly bonded with him (they are best pals and im kind of jealous). The point is that he WANTED a puppy and it still nearly tore us apart because puppies are crazy! It's incredibly stressful to raise a puppy with resent in the household and the worst part is for the puppy because they don't realize or understand what they are doing to cause the bad emotions they receive (they are very perceptive). It's confusing enough to be a puppy without the extra stress. I am so sorry to have to say this as I looooovee dogs and personally dont believe life is worth it without one, and you deserve to have that joy too.


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

wow sue (selzer) that is a SPLENDID idea. op, please give this some serious consideration. that would be such a win-win-win situation. for you, your wife, and the dogs whose lives you could enrich so much. what an outstanding suggestion!!!


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## rhamyj (Dec 24, 2014)

Anatole France said it best. Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened


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## bizz352 (Feb 10, 2015)

I'd walk away. If she already isn't a fan of dogs, she's really not going to like them after the land shark stage. When the dog eats her favorite pair shows nobody is going to be happy. You, her and especially the dog.


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## BadStarter (Apr 29, 2015)

Ok, I can share my experience fresh n somewhat similar. I wanted a dog, wife agreed. I had seen animals in my childhood, which means I had NOT reared them or brought them up, someone else did. A dog n a GSD at that is a big deal. I have brought home Dude, who is 14 weeks now. he is at my home since 2 weeks.
If you are working, then the dog ends up spending a LOT more time with your spouse than you. He needs to be intensively trained for first 8 months to a year. Mind you, my wife has remarked in the the first two weeks: If I could spend so much time with kids n their studies, it would change their grades. So priorities. 
A dog is as much, if not more, work like bringing up a child. And my lady of the house kinda wanted the dog 30% yes, so plays ball with the OMG "poo n pee in house" scenes.

But we are have resolved to give Dude a good life. My guess is the PnP stuff is the MOST difficult part for a new owner to reconcile, n there spouse has to go along. 

My mistakes: A very good idea is to have a team ready of trainers n vet n nutrition etc guys BEFORE you get the puppy.

A place in your house for the puppy, like his feeding place, accidental pee place, accidental poo place, et all. In case you have kids, their consent is MOST important. My elder one is crazy for Dude, and younger one does not come out of her room when Dude is around, which means she does not come out at all. I don't want kids to feel unsafe in their house, hence work a lot with kids on the pet matter. 

Am missing from work for a good part of last two weeks. And end up spending a lot of time on such forums. 

A adult pedigree, obedient n trained GSD is a beauty to look at, certainly. Also difficult is the part that once a GSD fan, difficult to connect or have another dog.

To get or not to get, is a call you have to carefully take with kids around. But maybe, not a GSD. Maybe a much smaller breed. 
Good Luck!


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## Lilie (Feb 3, 2010)

I'm guessing your current kids are young. I'm guessing your wife might feel she has enough on her plate right now and doesn't want to add another mouth to feed and tend after. 

I'd wait till after your kids are a bit older and not as dependent on your wife. I bet once they start school, she'll be more receptive to a pup.


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## jingyong0815 (Apr 16, 2014)

We don't have kid now. But plan to have our first baby next year.


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

Then it's an even worse time for you to try and force the issue. Just about the MOST common reason that people abandon their puppy to a shelter or craigslist "free puppy" ad is that they have a baby. Again I ask you to PLEASE consider selzer's post, that would be such a win-win and you would feel so good in your heart knowing you were actually helping dogs in need compared to how truly awful you'll feel when you get rid of a puppy to save your marriage.


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

I would get your dog fix by volunteering at an animal shelter. Maybe giving a few part-time hours to a local vet.

From everything you're saying, absolutely, you should not get a dog.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

If you really want a dog.. And it's important to you. You can make make her understand. That's it really. It's a wonderful thing having a dog, and if you feel strongly enough about it it's worth the bit of squabble. Just don't get a dog and then expect her to look after it. It will be entirely your responsibility. That said, if you can handle that and you really want it I think it's unfair to deny you.
Maybe remind her how much she wants children. How it's an integral part of her existence and what she wants out of life. Maybe you feel the same way about having a dog. Maybe you don't. Decide how important it is to you. And if it's worth it. If it is you can make it work. Sometimes it's not fair to deny somebody you love something he really desires. The question is how important is it to you. If it is really important to you, don't give up on it. Really having a dog is an amazing thing. It will need to be an extra big commitment for you. You will need to invest time and money into training I believe so that it can grow up to be behaved and a pleasure to live with, esp. Since your wife is not that keen. The last thing you want is a dog that is out of control and a your wife constantly bickering about it. Again.. This is something I would never personally sacrifice or back down on. That's just me. You don't need 2 dogs. Just one. If that's what you really want you need not fight. Just make her understand how important it is to you.


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## dmom (Jul 2, 2009)

One of the things to remember is that for a person who doesn't like/enjoy animals is that all the things we cherish about them is often the things that repulse them. The smell, noise, hair, mess, neediness, training, quirks. I agree with Selzer volunteer your time working with them. Just make sure you always remember that you can't fall in love with one and bring it home. While she may have agreed to someday get a dog you knew going into the relationship that she wasn't an animal lover.


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

Oh WesS, I respectfully STRONGLY disagree with your post. You simply cannot MAKE anybody do anything...especially without so much resentment that it will ultimately cause a breakdown of the relationship. The reality is that the OP works (is this correct op?) and the dog will be left with the wife during those times. We all love our shepherds, but they are large dogs, who shed tons of hair, can be demanding of time and energy to train because of their vast intelligence, can do major damage to person and property when left to their own devices, have some serious health issues rampant throughout the breed no matter the "lines" and are just, in general, not the dog for a first time owner who plans on having a child within the first year of a puppy's life. Now add on top of that the fact that the wife does not want a dog...well, I'm here to tell you that there's a VAST amount of truth to the old saying "happy wife, happy life". 

Op, please do not make this terrible mistake. Do this future puppy a huge favor and walk away from your deposit. Maybe do some couples' therapy for the opinion of a professional regarding whether your wife could ever whole-heartedly be on board with getting a puppy, and to help her examine her reasons and maybe change her feelings about this...and if so, please choose a breed that is easier for a first time owner. There are dogs in shelters called shelter favorites, they are dogs that shelter workers advocate for because they are all around great dogs temperment wise...they're also sometimes called "turn-key" dogs cause they're easy keepers and ready to fit right into family life/your home. 

I sincerely wish you all the best in coming to terms with this vast disagreement in your relationship and hope for you that you find the right dog at the right time in your future, if you can work thru the difference of opinion about this with your wife. And no fair being angry or resentful towards her, I'm sure you've always known about this dislike for dogs, since likely long before you married her. We choose what we choose and get what we get. Simple but true.


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## Jax08 (Feb 13, 2009)

IMO, getting an animal is going to cause issues. It's going to cause fights. It's going to cause lots of complaining on both sides. If you want a peaceful marriage then you need to come to some sort of compromise. I'm not a huge believer in one side getting their way. It causes hard feelings for the other party, especially in a case like yours.

So go back to your wife and discuss this further. None of us should be involved in it.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

Katie if you read my post more carefully you will see that I said he has to completely take responsibility for dog and not expect wife to do it. Many people work and own dogs.

Also by the same thought process you can't make anyone do anything. This applies to wife too. I.e. Making husband never own a dog. Again it needs serious self reflection about how much he really wants it and how important it is to his own person. I can't imagine life without a dog. For me it is that important. So yes what you say holds merit. But so is what I am saying. Nothing is clear cut. Self reflection on both. He wants a dog that badly? Well she doesn't so all dog responsibilities fall to him. Now sure it's a shared living space. It's complicated and only he knows how important a dog is to him. For some of us it's extremely important. Others not so much. I think it's unfair to assume it's okay to think that he can give up his desires on everything to please her. At some point maybe she might also have to give some. I think some people are worried about the dog too, and it being essentially neglected and maybe abandoned. So like I said. How important is it to him? Maybe I'm overemphasising. Maybe it's not that important to him. If it was me however it would be non-negotiable. I could bend backwards on many things to please the significant other. But not on this.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

Jax08 said:


> IMO, getting an animal is going to cause issues. It's going to cause fights. It's going to cause lots of complaining on both sides. If you want a peaceful marriage then you need to come to some sort of compromise. I'm not a huge believer in one side getting their way. It causes hard feelings for the other party, especially in a case like yours.
> 
> So go back to your wife and discuss this further. None of us should be involved in it.


It comes down to this. Best advice I think. Is the quote above from jax. Self reflect first. Understand how much you do or do not need a dog. Self reflect if you can take care of it without her help. 
Talk about it. Be sincere. Nobody needs to feel they have to back down. Sometimes it's just better to back down. Sometimes not. None of us can answer that question. Just understand the massive commitment. And that the dog is essentially your responsibility.


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

WesS said:


> Katie if you read my post more carefully you will see that I said he has to completely take responsibility for dog and not expect wife to do it. Many people work and own dogs.


Yes, but the dog would be in the house.

Or perhaps it would be relegated to the back yard, never allowed to enter the house, in which case that would be sad for the dog.

I don't think some people understand how bad aversion can be, given our own adoration for dogs.
I have a friend who is petrified when she sees a dog. She will freeze, start to shake, her eyes will get huge, and she will simply be paralyzed until you get the dog away from her. And this happens when the dog is not even that close, but merely in the same room.

I am not really fond of huge snakes. I definitely would not want one in my home. If my husband were to insist that we get one, there would be a problem. So if this woman feels the same way about a dog, it would be very selfish of the husband to force one upon her.

In my experience, good marriages become long-lasting ones if each spouse is willing to acknowledge the other's feelings, and respect them. And sometimes goes against what we want for ourselves.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

Eh don't like snakes either. But if there was that amount of love for snakes from significant other I guess I could make it work. As long is it was not poisonous and lethal, free roaming the house. All your points are good all things he needs to think about. But again, somebody is giving up a dream or vision of life either way. How important it is to each has to be discussed in depth.

Game plan for husband. If you can't get a dog now. Wait for kid to be older. Take kid to visit dogs. Make kid love dogs secretly if need be. Wait for kid to come of age and beg for a dog. Boom. Sneaky I know. Don't care. Good chance it will work. Happy family. With a dog. Happy ending. Wife will be fine with a happy dog loving child, smiling ear to ear. Husband gets his dog.


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## Jax08 (Feb 13, 2009)

Sunflowers said:


> I am not really fond of huge snakes. I definitely would not want one in my home.


ok...um...yeah...that's an "it's either me or the freaking anaconda" conversation.


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## Jax08 (Feb 13, 2009)

maybe, just maybe, your wife views a dog the same that I would view a snake.

I had a grandmother terrified of cats. Terrified as in wake the whole house up at 3am, standing on the bed, SCREAMING "GEORGE!!!! IT'S A CAT!!!!!". yeah, poor Tweety had no idea what her issue was.

So maybe this is a case of being respectful of her fears.


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## MineAreWorkingline (May 2, 2015)

To me, pets and children are things to be discussed prior to saying I do. I would never be happy without a dog. It's my lifestyle.


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## Traveler's Mom (Sep 24, 2012)

If you'll bear with me, I'll tell you my story-

I didn't like animals, NO ANIMALS period. Never grew up with them, didn't feel the need for them, didn't miss not having one.

Married my husband who had grown up with dogs but wasn't particularly interested in getting one. One day he went to go buy a motorcycle and came home with a GSD puppy.:wild: I totally blew my mind! No way was I going to deal with this dog or anything related to this dog. NO WAY!

Fast forward 13 years and when our dog died, I couldn't stop crying for months. After that, I was back to not wanting another dog because I didn't want the inevitable heartbreak. I waited over 20 years before we got Traveler. I told myself there was a 50/50 chance of him outliving me. Ok-so maybe I was doing a little fuzzy math but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So, my point is that love can happen that once the dog is in the home but in the OP's case, there are some real significant differences between his situation and mine.

1. I was 18 Bill was 24
2. We had no kids and didn't plan on any kids and never did have kids
3. I wasn't particularly interested in having a clean house so the fur and dirt and eventually the fleas, ticks, and who knows what were very upsetting but I didn't have kids so didn't feel there was any huge concern somebody would get bit or sick from something the dog brought in.
4. Bro, the dog, was a dream to housebreak but was a PIA in that he wanted play time and walks and all that stuff when all I wanted to do was hang out and party with my friend and husband after work.
5. We didn't spend time in the back yard so the never ending piles of poo were not on my radar daily. I think kids play in backyards 
6. We had money and time to invest in the dog since we were both working.

I think, at the end of the day, OP needs to consider just how much work goes into keeping and raising kids then think about how much work and time goes into raising, training, and maintaining a GSD. 

Contrary to what he says, you can't go it alone if you are in a relationship. That would be like splitting up the kids- This one is mine and this one is yours. Nope, doesn't go that way.

Lynn & Traveler


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

Whoa, WesS you and me disagree big time. How strongly I don't believe in "secrets" and "sneaky" I cannot even BEGIN to tell you. Deceit and lying have no place in a good relationship. 

I also agree that ultimately the solution to this problem must come from the OP and his wife...however, he invited our input and opinions when he posted here.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

katieliz said:


> Whoa, WesS you and me disagree big time. How strongly I don't believe in "secrets" and "sneaky" I cannot even BEGIN to tell you. Deceit and lying have no place in a good relationship.
> 
> I also agree that ultimately the solution to this problem must come from the OP and his wife...however, he invited our input and opinions when he posted here.


Things change. Kids may also want dogs sneaky sneaky or not. Most kids like dogs. It's a good way to teach responsibility. My mother was never a fan of dogs. Till this day she freaks out when they touch her. Yet I had a childhood filled with dogs inside house too. Dogs learn fast. Often never went to touch her.

Sorry there is no pre contract of I don't like this so I will never change. People can change. Now who needs to change is up for debate. But somebody is going to have accept either having or never having a dog again. 

I see a lot of women here expecting the wife to get her way. Sometimes it has to go the other way. I am not saying definitively this is that case. But it could be. Kids may want dogs too.


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

WesS said:


> I see a lot of women here expecting the wife to get her way. Sometimes it has to go the other way. .


You really think this has anything to do with being a woman?


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

Also need to make a note about thread starter.
He clearly says wife knew how much he loved pets from cats to dogs to turtles.
She agreed he could have a dog and now she is pulling rank. Seems unfair to me.

So here is the thing. I am not saying he should get his way. All considerations by all posters and their opinions are just and fine. I just feel it's unfair to expect husband to fold over on this. It's not about alcohol or a dangerous Harley bike mid life crisis. This is something he always wanted and they agreed on. Just like having kids. I think to him it's important.


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## GSDolch (May 15, 2006)

This isn't about anyone getting 'their way". If that is going to be the way to look at it, then why should the husband get "his way" but she not get "her way"....

Geez, it's not about that at all.

I find it completely disrespectful for any spouse/partner to bring something into the relationship that the other is completely against. Yes, I agree these should have been talked about before hand...but it is what it is now and it's not longer "him vs her". There can end up being a lot of resentment towards a spouse that just does whatever they want. Doesn't matter if its him or her doing it either.

OP. For now, I would hold off on trying to bring in a dog and maybe see if you can't first find a way for you and your wife to communicate better regarding the issues. Baby steps..start by talked about it more, maybe seeking professional help. Maybe eventually she can spend an hour at a shelter....just watching and maybe eventually she will go further. Who knows. The most important thing though is that you don't push, or sneak, or any like that. It's a good way to end a marriage.


ETA: She may have knew how much he wanted a dog, and she may have said yes...and I mean no offense to the OP, but I know exactly what it's like to be wore down to eventually saying yes to something you don't want to do. (he is now an ex). The flip side of this though is that he probably also knew, or at least had some idea of her stance on dogs.


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

I think she said she agreed with it, thinking her husband would not go through with it knowing how she feels about pets.

I think he conducted a search on his own, put down the deposit without her knowing about it, and presented her with the fait accompli. Not exactly including her in the decision-making process.

Not the way to go about it if you want success, in my opinion.




WesS said:


> Also need to make a note about thread starter.
> He clearly says wife knew how much he loved pets from cats to dogs to turtles.
> She agreed he could have a dog and now she is pulling rank. Seems unfair to me.
> 
> So here is the thing. I am not saying he should get his way. All considerations by all posters and their opinions are just and fine. I just feel it's unfair to expect husband to fold over on this. It's not about alcohol or a dangerous Harley bike mid life crisis. This is something he always wanted and they agreed on. Just like having kids. I think to him it's important.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

Sunflowers said:


> You really think this has anything to do with being a woman?


I think in western progressive cultures, often the man is expected to accept more and demand less. I am all for feminism. But sometimes they bite too much of the apple, with regards to homely affairs. I believe in equal pay and rights at work. I also believe however in equal decisions in home affairs. Call me being a tad 'maleist' here. But I think we have the right to that too. There is some of that effect here. Men are suckers to getting overthrown on such issues.
I really don't want those two lines to now be the focus of this thread. But yes I believe there is some sexism going on here. Even if it is just minor.


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

WesS said:


> I think in western progressive cultures, often the man is expected to accept more and demand less. I am all for feminism. But sometimes they bite too much of the apple, with regards to homely affairs. I believe in equal pay and rights at work. I also believe however in equal decisions in home affairs. Call me being a tad 'maleist' here. But I think we have the right to that too. There is some of that effect here. Men are suckers to getting overthrown on such issues.
> I really don't want those two lines to now be the focus of this thread. But yes I believe there is some sexism going on here. Even if it is just minor.


Well, I will say this to you in all honesty: my answer would have been the same, had it been a woman posting the original question.

I do understand what you mean, however.
I am against that way of thinking, and think that respect and consideration should go both ways.


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## Liesje (Mar 4, 2007)

If not getting a dog was a deal breaker, that should have been discussed and settled looooong before they were married and planning their family.

I would absolutely NOT make this "well I want a dog, and you want a kid....so there". I can't imaging taking this sort of attitude toward my husband, kind of repulsive to even think about making decisions that way, whether it's something I want or he wants.


Also I don't think a GSD is the best choice here. If she's willing to compromise that is great but I would not jump to such a large, high drive, high energy dog known for a gazillion health problems and year round shedding. GSD's are absolutely my favorite breed but after my youngest, we've already decided as a couple we are getting something else and we are not new to dogs or people who needed convincing to have dogs.


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## Jax08 (Feb 13, 2009)

I don't think it's a matter of sexism. I've seen the same advice given to women upset that their SO/husband didn't want the dog. It's about living peacefully with the person you chose to be in a relationship with. Period.


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## Fate_GSD (Oct 9, 2014)

Sunflowers said:


> I think she said she agreed with it, thinking her husband would not go through with it knowing how she feels about pets.
> 
> I think he conducted a search on his own, put down the deposit without her knowing about it, and presented her with the fait accompli. Not exactly including her in the decision-making process.
> 
> Not the way to go about it if you want success, in my opinion.


It was a mutual agreement that the husband could have a dog. 
If the wife dislikes/hates dogs, why would she want to be involved in the process? Wouldn't that irritate her further? 

You don't give the "okay" unless you are prepared for the action. Just like you don't pull a weapon unless you are prepared to use it. 

Sounds like she is backing out.

However, I agree with most that you should eat the cost of the deposit and walk away. Nothing worse than seeing an animal/child suffer because of hasty actions and two adults who aren't on the same page.


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## JohnD (May 1, 2012)

I think the biggest loser would be the poor puppy. Sadly it takes a entire family to care, feed, train a puppy and when one of the family members hates dogs, pets. How much care and love will the puppy receive?

Not sure about your family...But in our family my wife is a stay at home mother and she gives a lot more time to the care and training then I can. 

I'm JUST VERY LUCKY my wife loves GSD's. If she didn't then our poor girl just wouldn't get the same care. I'm at work for 8 hours a day.

I think its best for you the family and the poor dog to wait until the time when everyone is on board!


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## Jax08 (Feb 13, 2009)

JohnD said:


> I think the biggest loser would be the poor puppy. !


Exactly. And dogs know when and where they aren't wanted. They might not understand the 'why' but they do know.


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

My breeder wouldn't even sell me a dog until she was convinced that everyone in the house wanted a GSD, including the children.


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## Liesje (Mar 4, 2007)

Even if she is backing out...oh well. People change their minds about stuff ALL the time! My husband and I aren't even close to living the way we said we would when we first got married. We've changed our minds about where to live, when to have kids, where to send them to school, what kind of pets to have. I think we'd be miserable if we both tried to hold the other partner to the things we "decided" when circumstances were very different.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

Liesje said:


> If not getting a dog was a deal breaker, that should have been discussed and settled looooong before they were married and planning their family.
> 
> I would absolutely NOT make this "well I want a dog, and you want a kid....so there". I can't imaging taking this sort of attitude toward my husband, kind of repulsive to even think about making decisions that way, whether it's something I want or he wants.
> 
> ...


So you think a marriage is a contract? A bussiness transaction. Eseentially something written on how your entire life will pan out? Anyways the wife had agreed to pets. I agree with contradictory posters on their concerns. All posts valuable and with merit. But the other side is also important. Jax takes middle ground, and probably is making the most sense here. 

And no. You cant discuss every eventuality for your whole life pre-marriage. Children ok. But pets? Is that really a make or break the relationship type of road-block? No its a discussion/fight/compromise that needs to be had, and it can be had at any time as perceptions change. As situations change. As housing changes. As kids come into the picture. 

No you can not pre-plan your life and say ok. We spoke about this ten years ago before we got married.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

Liesje said:


> Even if she is backing out...oh well. People change their minds about stuff ALL the time! My husband and I aren't even close to living the way we said we would when we first got married. We've changed our minds about where to live, when to have kids, where to send them to school, what kind of pets to have. I think we'd be miserable if we both tried to hold the other partner to the things we "decided" when circumstances were very different.


I think you are stating the opposite now? I agree. People can change their minds over time and based on current situation.


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## Girl_Loves_Hydraulics (Apr 13, 2014)

Happy Wife= Happy Marriage

But I would take this as a platform to talk together. If she didn't truly want a pup, why just pacify you? It's not really fair to you that she gives you the go ahead, but then back pedals once it's right in front of her. I would discuss that being completely honest with one another from the start would keep issues like this arising in the future. This time, it only cost $300.


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## misslesleedavis1 (Dec 5, 2013)

Lol I am so against the grain on the happy wife = happy life, how emasculating and sad for the dude. I think that in this situation a dog would not be a hood idea, I think the wife did a ****ty thing and should never have agreed in the first place. 
Oh well- lesson learned, she's a flake, seriously though, don't bring a dog into it. Not right.


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## Miss Molly May (Feb 19, 2010)

misslesleedavis1 said:


> Lol I am so against the grain on the happy wife = happy life, how emasculating and sad for the dude. I think that in this situation a dog would not be a hood idea, I think the wife did a ****ty thing and should never have agreed in the first place.
> Oh well- lesson learned, she's a flake, seriously though, don't bring a dog into it. Not right.


How about "happy man and he'll do all that he can"


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## misslesleedavis1 (Dec 5, 2013)

Miss Molly May said:


> How about "happy man and he'll do all that he can"


I like that! 
Better yet!
Communication and respect = happy couple lol


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## jingyong0815 (Apr 16, 2014)

I am the OP.
Thank you so much for everyone's input. 

I DO care how she feels about having a dog at home around her. That's why I posted here for help. She is a good wife, and she is not deserved any panic at her own home. 

* Back three years ago, before we got married, we casually talked about getting a dog when we were browsing a dog picture book (a Christmas gift from a friend who knew I love dog, but could not have it because I used to live in an apartment) She seemed OK with it and did not have any objection. 
* Back few months ago, she even said to me that the dog much be a boy and purebred. 
* Last week, when I told her I found the Right puppy, she is backing out of it. She was not happy on that day before I told her. I think I chose the wrong timing..... 

I always want a dog so bad, especially GSD. I even ordered a name tag for him. Every time, when I saw a GSD, I either slow down my car or talked to owners and patted the dogs if I was not driving. Once I almost crashed my car when I saw a couple were walking their beautiful GSD. That's the dream life I want to live in. When she changed her mind, I just feel she took my GSD away from me, even I did not have one yet. (I think I have some mental issue on this matter.)

YES, I already contacted local German Shepherd Rescue Shelter for volunteering work. I just feel a dog can help me calm down. I know I have to compromise in marriage. But for this one, I don't know how to balance.


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## Liesje (Mar 4, 2007)

WesS said:


> I think you are stating the opposite now? I agree. People can change their minds over time and based on current situation.


I'm saying it's not fair to say he should be able to get a puppy because she agreed he could get *a* dog someday who knows when the agreement was made. He doesn't need to "hold her to it" or whatever. They should decide together, right now, whether it is a good time to get THIS German Shepherd puppy.


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## Miss Molly May (Feb 19, 2010)

misslesleedavis1 said:


> I like that!
> Better yet!
> Communication and respect = happy couple lol


:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:


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## Liesje (Mar 4, 2007)

WesS said:


> So you think a marriage is a contract? A bussiness transaction. Eseentially something written on how your entire life will pan out? Anyways the wife had agreed to pets. I agree with contradictory posters on their concerns. All posts valuable and with merit. But the other side is also important. Jax takes middle ground, and probably is making the most sense here.
> 
> And no. You cant discuss every eventuality for your whole life pre-marriage. Children ok. But pets? Is that really a make or break the relationship type of road-block? No its a discussion/fight/compromise that needs to be had, and it can be had at any time as perceptions change. As situations change. As housing changes. As kids come into the picture.
> 
> No you can not pre-plan your life and say ok. We spoke about this ten years ago before we got married.


Um, no? You've completely misinterpreted my posts. Your posts used words like "pulling rank" and "fold" and "backing out". People change over time, individuals change, relationships change, goals change. Whether she agreed she would let him get a dog is not the point. They need to be on the same page _about the puppy he already put a deposit on_.


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## Saphire (Apr 1, 2005)

misslesleedavis1 said:


> communication and respect = happy couple lol


borrrriiiinnngggggg. ?


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

Liesje said:


> Um, no? You've completely misinterpreted my posts. People change over time, individuals change, relationships change, goals change. Whether she agreed she would let him get a dog is not the point. They need to be on the same page about the puppy he already put a deposit on.


Ok. Yes I did have some confusion on what you meant. I thought I knew, then not so much, then I thought I got you again. (Read posts a few times). I think we are on the same page on what you are saying here. Also you bring up a great point now. Yep he jumped the gun. Deposit before the big discussion is a bit unfair way to 'spring' it on somebody. Not an issue of losing the $300 so much as stating: "Thats what I want - Deal with it". Needs in depth communication and understanding from both.
I think the different views, devils advocate etc. will do them both good. I think they should read this thread together and discuss how they each feel. At end of the day only they can sort this out. I think my message is a bit 'against the trend' in that the husband also has a 'right' to have the dog as much as the wife has a 'right' to not have the dog. I am inclined to feel that the husband will lose more in not having the dog, than the wife will have to compromise in having it. That view of-course is biased based on my personal perceptions and feelings on the matter. Don't know how much the husband really needs a dog in his life. Only he can know that. you could say im a bit to the right, some are to the left. At the end it comes down to what Jax said from the start. Only they can discuss it and decide. If they do read this thread together. I think it would be unfair for the wife to have more support here than husband. They both have equal standing in their views. For him to post here about it, I think its important to him.

After all is said and done. When they do reach a compromise. Then they have to talk responsibility and weather its even fair to the dog, etc. Can the husband handle it if he has no support. etc.


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## Liesje (Mar 4, 2007)

I didn't get the impression the wife is totally reneging on her agreement, just that right now is not the right time for this particular dog. Even as a GSD owner and lover, it is NOT a breed I would recommend for someone who doesn't like dogs and is already leery of having one in the house. Most people I know that don't like dogs have a very good reason, not just that they don't want to be bothered with the mess or the responsibility. That may not be the case here (maybe she has no reason) but without her here to explain her side, I'm giving them both the benefit of the doubt.


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## jingyong0815 (Apr 16, 2014)

She had no experience with any kind of animals, either good ones or bad ones. She just does not like them naturally. 
It sounds ridiculous to me, probably to you as well. But, it is what it is.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

Anyways. I just find something sad with denying a true dog lover with a dog.


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## wolfy dog (Aug 1, 2012)

WesS said:


> Anyways. I just find something sad with denying a true dog lover with a dog.


It was known before marriage so nothing sad about it.


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## Twyla (Sep 18, 2011)

If you BOTH aren't on board about a pup, don't get the pup. Just that simple.

Honestly though, after reading the thread and comments from the OP - there is much more going on here besides the wife not wanting the pup. I would say some serious heart to hearts but probably a marriage counselor is what is truly needed.


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

jingyong0815 said:


> Thats what I am worried about. It's not fair to force something she doesn't like on her. its not fair to the puppy either.


You answered your own question.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

wolfy dog said:


> It was known before marriage so nothing sad about it.


Omg ppl read the post. Original post tiered of going around in circles. What was known before marriage? They agreed to have a pet before FYI. Anyways that's meaningless anyways. 

You don't fall in love and pick your wife based exclusively on what they think about pet ownership at the time. This will cause friction. Hardly a reason to decide who you marry. Come on ppl.. Are you for real? Can't discuss anything after you seal the deal?


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## shepherdmom (Dec 24, 2011)

WesS said:


> Omg ppl read the post. Original post tiered of going around in circles. What was known before marriage? They agreed to have a pet before FYI. Anyways that's meaningless anyways.
> 
> You don't fall in love and pick your wife based exclusively on what they think about pet ownership at the time. This will cause friction. Hardly a reason to decide who you marry. Come on ppl.. Are you for real? Can't discuss anything after you seal the deal?


Take it from someone who has been married to the same person for 28 years you can't fundamentally change the other person. While she might have agreed to the pet before hand when faced with the reality of the situation she is not dealing. To try to force her into something or to discuss something she isn't ready to deal with can only create friction and badness. 

The topic can maybe be re-negotiated down the road but forcing the discussion now will not go any place good.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

Well I was reading the news updates and came across this completely by chance. Interesting read: Children 'more likely to confide in pets than siblings' - BBC News
Never underestimate the emotional support and necessity some people have for their pets. a bit off topic. But not completely. Nice read anyways.


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## Isis von La (Apr 8, 2015)

jingyong0815 said:


> Hi all,
> I really need your input. Thank you.
> My wife is not dog/animal fan. She has no experience with any animals in the past. (From my understanding, she thinks them are monsters.... sounds ridiculous to me, but well....) But she knows I am a dog lover. When I was little, I had dogs, cats, birds, turtle.... you name it. After we moved into hour new home, we finally got enough space to have our own dog. So having a dog became one of our topics in the past few months. Of course she was never excited when we were talking about this, but she compromised and agree to let me have a dog. She even patted one of my friends’ dog at her birthday party, which was surprised me. I would still think that was a historical moment. During past few months, I started contacting GSD owners, breeders, even local GSD meetup to get more knowledge and information. Last week, I finally decided to put $300 deposit on a newly born male GSD puppy.
> HOWEVER, when I told her I finally found the right puppy and the puppy will come home in a month, she was freaking out and getting upset. She told me she did not expect I could find a dog that fast. I am so disappointed and we had big argument. She said she has no choice if I insist on having a dog/puppy. But she won’t take care of the dog at all, and will only stay far away from dog. And the dog is not allowed to go upstairs.
> ...


Happy wife...happy life. Maybe after the next baby try bringing up the issue again especially if it is more health related during pregnancy. I

also got a 2 month old puppy that my boyfriend was upset about. Now he plays with her more than what he plays with me!!!!


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## MineAreWorkingline (May 2, 2015)

shepherdmom said:


> Take it from someone who has been married to the same person for 28 years you can't fundamentally change the other person. While she might have agreed to the pet before hand when faced with the reality of the situation she is not dealing. To try to force her into something or to discuss something she isn't ready to deal with can only create friction and badness.
> 
> The topic can maybe be re-negotiated down the road but forcing the discussion now will not go any place good.


You are 100%% correct, but, the friction and badness was already created when she backpeddled. Going forward with getting a puppy will only make it worse. I have been in OP's shoes(not about a puppy). First they say they will and then they don't. It really starts to undermine one's trust in a spouse when you can't believe the things that they say, especially when it is about something that is so important to you.


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## JakodaCD OA (May 14, 2000)

Personally, for me, I could have never married someone that didn't share my love of animals, (certainly not saying you should get a divorce or should never have married!) , 

It would kill me if my 'husband', said 'no animals'..

A pet is not like an inanimate object that one's spouse may not want you to have, I think if you go ahead with this, and she is not on board all the way, it will be alot of problems down the road..

I know people who are totally "not": animal people, and have never had a pet, there is no amount of changing their mind and it is what it is.

I'm sorry your going thru this, I feel your pain, but I guess you have to figure , you have to 'live' with your wife. Unfortunately, I think you may at some point resent her for saying yes, then no, but then again, she will resent you for getting a puppy, i don't see this as a win situation for either..

Good luck to you


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## onyx'girl (May 18, 2007)

plenty of people get a dog and keep it in an outdoor kennel situation because the wife(seldom husband) doesn't want it in the home. I'm glad the OP isn't going to that situation, as GSD's do want to be with people and not in a run. Whatever happens, I hope the wife can come around and see the contribution a pet can have in the quality of living.


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## Cassidy's Mom (Mar 30, 2003)

WesS said:


> And no. You cant discuss every eventuality for your whole life pre-marriage. Children ok. But pets? Is that really a make or break the relationship type of road-block?


To some people (me!) having pets is just as important a decision as having children is to some other people. It would definitely be a make or break relationship thing for me. I wouldn't even consider marrying someone who wasn't just as devoted to their pets as I am, or refused to have pets at all. 

Fortunately, when I met my husband he still lived with his mom, but they had two German shepherds. I had always had cats. I liked dogs too, but he wasn't and still isn't a cat guy. When he asked me to marry him after dating for 7 years and living together for two years, he brought me a kitten. I gave him a GSD puppy as a wedding gift. 

We've had dogs and cats ever since, and this July will be our 29th wedding anniversary. Somehow we forgot to have kids….


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## rtdmmcintyre (Jan 7, 2015)

I like dogs. I like most animals and for a person to tell me that I could never have one if I were with them. Yea that would be a deal breaker. There is such a thing as compromise and then there is such a thing as abandoning your desires. a person who loves you isn't going to say forget your dreams only mine are important regardless of what we have agreed on previously.


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

when it comes to animals, different cultures have different views...and also there can be a phobia or fear connected...someone who thinks of animals as "monsters" (going back to the original post on the thread), is certainly farther down on the scale of not wanting a pet than just simply not wanting a pet. all speculation aside, this is a much too difficult problem to be solved on a internet message board, and the issues are clearly deeper than the original question would indicate. the important thing is to not bring puppy into the family against someone's wishes, and those of us in long term relationships (40 years here), understand the impossibility of keeping a long term commitment under these circumstances, and hope that professional help is taken advantage of before children are brought into the scenario. wadr & imho.


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## GSDolch (May 15, 2006)

MineAreWorkingline said:


> You are 100%% correct, but, the friction and badness was already created when she backpeddled. Going forward with getting a puppy will only make it worse. I have been in OP's shoes(not about a puppy). First they say they will and then they don't. It really starts to undermine one's trust in a spouse when you can't believe the things that they say, especially when it is about something that is so important to you.



I just want to start by saying that I do very much agree with you, this is a side of the coin very real and not good for a relationship.

On the flip side of that coin though, is back peddling because you know not what else to do. I "back peddled" a lot with my ex...why? He would break me down until I finally said yes.....I'd get brave, say no.....he'd break me down again. He knew how to break me down to get his way, and then claimed I was back peddling and going back on my word. In a way I was, but not in the same way as it's done by those who do it on purpose. This went on for 8 years before I got out. His true colors showed up after that...

Also, I am NOT saying the op is doing that, or that his wife is doing that. It sounds like there needs to be better communication and planning. If not, it might turn into that down the road.


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## Stonevintage (Aug 26, 2014)

Just a suggestion, I haven't read all the posts, so not sure if this has been brought up.

Foster care a dog, a trial run if you will. The hard part will be on you op, because you are so ready to have a dog in your life. However, this is the best I can think of to put the situation to a test in the most "neutral ground" available between you two.

My brother, couldn't understand people's love for dogs until he was much older and had been married for a while. After nearly 40 years of "hating dogs", they have 4! He really had no idea how rich a dog's love is and how much it could add to a family. He apparently had some bad incident when he was a child and it carried over for many years. 

With a foster, you could see if there is just a "hump" from the past to get over or if she's one of the few that just does not feel what we feel.....

A foster, as an introduction to a loving, non demanding dog may not be a GSD - lol


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## MineAreWorkingline (May 2, 2015)

GSDolch said:


> I just want to start by saying that I do very much agree with you, this is a side of the coin very real and not good for a relationship.
> 
> On the flip side of that coin though, is back peddling because you know not what else to do. I "back peddled" a lot with my ex...why? He would break me down until I finally said yes.....I'd get brave, say no.....he'd break me down again. He knew how to break me down to get his way, and then claimed I was back peddling and going back on my word. In a way I was, but not in the same way as it's done by those who do it on purpose. This went on for 8 years before I got out. His true colors showed up after that...
> 
> Also, I am NOT saying the op is doing that, or that his wife is doing that. It sounds like there needs to be better communication and planning. If not, it might turn into that down the road.


Definitely, people can be high pressured into saying or doing something they don't want to end the relentless badgering or source of distress. It is a no win situation.


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## LuvShepherds (May 27, 2012)

I reread the OPs post about having more children. Much as I love GSDs, there is time for a puppy if his wife changes her mind when their children are older. I second what was said above. Get involved with German Shepherd rescue. If she agrees at some point, look for an older, calm, well trained GSD. Make an agreement to bring the dog home and test it out. They may let you if you foster or take an older dog. Get a dog with a known history, who is comfortable with children and doesn't have any behavior problems. Do not take a stray, but one that was an owner surrender for reasons other than behavior. Or find a breeder with an older, socialized and trained dog that they are giving up. Insist on one that is calm and good with children. Make sure you can bring it back if it doesn't work out.

A puppy is a lot more work and more likely to be energetic, hyper and challenging than an older dog. You can always work on getting a puppy later. An older GSD is still a GSD.


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## onyx'girl (May 18, 2007)

the suggestion to foster sounds great...but in reality, many fosters need an experienced handler to work with them, evaluate them and help them as they are transitioning to the forever home. A new handler/dog person has no clue how to do this, and if the other partner in the home is not on the same mindset, well, it sets the dog up to fail.


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## Stonevintage (Aug 26, 2014)

onyx'girl said:


> the suggestion to foster sounds great...but in reality, many fosters need an experienced handler to work with them, evaluate them and help them as they are transitioning to the forever home. A new handler/dog person has no clue how to do this, and if the other partner in the home is not on the same mindset, well, it sets the dog up to fail.


Unless they get a little muffy dog. That's why I didn't suggest a GSD for a foster. The foster can certainly be from a home that is not from a screwed up situation. They aren't all bound to misbehave in some way. If he hooks up with a foster group, being open and honest with them, I would leave it to the foster group to select a non problematic foster for her first experience with a dog in the house. - it takes a village.....


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

nice thought, but no reputable rescue will allow a family to foster unless all are on board.


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## Stonevintage (Aug 26, 2014)

katieliz said:


> nice thought, but no reputable rescue will allow a family to foster unless all are on board.


She would definitely have to be on board. Where did you see that she would not try a foster?


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## GSDolch (May 15, 2006)

Stonevintage said:


> She would definitely have to be on board. Where did you see that she would not try a foster?


The fact she considers them monsters and doesn't want a dog in the house at all gives solid reason to believe she isn't going to want to foster.

It's still bringing a dog she doesn't want into the house.

Honestly I don't think that is what they need. I think what they need to to find a way to communicate without blaming and possibly seek outside help on a way to "fix" this before any big life changes happen.


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

One person can train, feed, and walk a puppy, but the puppy lives in the home, and if there is animosity toward the puppy by an individual, that puppy will feel it. 

In a perfect world, the husband would put the wife's wants and needs before his own, and the wife would put the husbands wants and needs before her own, and somewhere in the middle would be a good amount of discussion prior to any pet becoming a member of the family. It would be welcomed by both or it would not be brought home. 

A dog or a cat is a much bigger commitment. There will be mud and hair in the house and in the bath tub. There will be wet dog smell. There will be someone to consider whenever the family goes out of town for more than a day. There are a host of wills and won'ts that have to be aggreed upon prior to a puppy coming home, so that training the puppy will be consistent. 

I don't believe one partner should always get their way, but my first consideration is the puppy. If both parties are not in agreement about the puppy, then the puppy will cause problems in the marriage. Puppies are enough trouble when everyone wants and loves them.


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## Stonevintage (Aug 26, 2014)

GSDolch said:


> The fact she considers them monsters and doesn't want a dog in the house at all gives solid reason to believe she isn't going to want to foster.
> 
> It's still bringing a dog she doesn't want into the house.
> 
> Honestly I don't think that is what they need. I think what they need to to find a way to communicate without blaming and possibly seek outside help on a way to "fix" this before any big life changes happen.


As I explained, so did my brother. He absolutely saw no reason why people care to have pets.


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

Well, the thing is, you don't want a dog's future and wellbeing to hinge on someone changing their viewpoint entirely, as your brother did. And I'd also think that seeing no reason to have a pet is a bit north of seeing them as monsters. 

Well, the op surely has a great banquet of food for thought here!


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

At end of day discussion and possible fight should happen prior to the fact. Not when you have the dog and it ends up being a case of should we get rid of dog rather than should we get the dog to start with.


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## GSDolch (May 15, 2006)

katieliz said:


> Well, the thing is, you don't want a dog's future and wellbeing to hinge on someone changing their viewpoint entirely, as your brother did. And I'd also think that seeing no reason to have a pet is a bit north of seeing them as monsters.
> 
> Well, the op surely has a great banquet of food for thought here!



:thumbup:

It also doesn't stand to reason that one person is going to do the same thing as another person. Just because someone knows someone who did change their mind, doesn't mean someone else is going to.

My cousin changed his mind about kids, so with that logic all the people who tell childless couples they will change their mind are right? (no, some people don't want, and will never want kids. Some people don't want, and will never want dogs/pets.)


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## GSDolch (May 15, 2006)

WesS said:


> At end of day discussion and possible fight should happen prior to the fact. Not when you have the dog and it ends up being a case of should we get rid of dog rather than should we get the dog to start with.



*nods* 

Things could be so much worse if a dog was just brought in before everything was hashed out. For the marriage and the dog.


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## BadStarter (Apr 29, 2015)

I disagree that a single person, working, can take care of a dog, at least for the first year. Maybe an adult, trained dog. 

I would put it at how much space you got in you life? Check the puppy schedules, they are in itself a full time job. Look at the amount of work dog owners put in their pets; if that amount of energy is invested in a child, he will graduate from the Harvard.
IF you have kids, then I would pretty much say that your priorities are well defined already: first comes kids n family and THEN the pet, if there ever be a need to prioritise time, and need, there will be. Every single day till they are 18.

I would go so far as to suggest that don't have dog till kids are over 8 years of age, and no more in plans. That would be an ideal time in life for a family to own a pet, provided they have the space, time, money n physical space for the pet. A doctor for eg, would be a busy man to manage the pet by himself. Dogs are not very apartments friendly. Kids should be pet friendly: my one kid adores the pet, another abhors him. 
Do you stay with lotta pet friendly friends n relatives near you? That makes things easier. No? Then you have restricted your outings. Planning to put your pet in a pet day care, for that 1 day trip? Worry yourself sick on what all parasites n pests he will bring home from the shelter/ day care.

It is not absolute in life that I need this or want this. We all want several things from life. A pet does not gel easily with lot of things on that list. 

EVERY Pet owner has had this problem or faced this question in one form or other, and the amount of responses this thread has is a good indicator


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

BadStarter said:


> I disagree that a single person, working, can take care of a dog, at least for the first year. Maybe an adult, trained dog.
> 
> I would put it at how much space you got in you life? Check the puppy schedules, they are in itself a full time job. Look at the amount of work dog owners put in their pets; if that amount of energy is invested in a child, he will graduate from the Harvard.
> IF you have kids, then I would pretty much say that your priorities are well defined already: first comes kids n family and THEN the pet, if there ever be a need to prioritise time, and need, there will be. Every single day till they are 18.
> ...


By your logic every hard working parent should not have human kids either. I would even go so far as to suggest. Maybe just maybe, raising a human child takes more effort than a dog. Put things into perspective. In life people have different priorities. Only that individual can decide what they are. But you post here is completely unrealistic. And no a kid who gets the same attention as a dog is not necessarily going to graduate from Harvard. He is more likely to graduate from Harvard if you work hard and can actually pay for the university.


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## Liesje (Mar 4, 2007)

I don't know if I would agree with fostering. It is hard work. My fosters have ALL been harder work than my own dogs (even though only one was part GSD). There is a lot that you don't have full control over. I have to go to vet appointments, adoption events, be available to meet prospective adopters, help screen applications that the initial person has approved, make contacts. All of my fosters have either been young dogs behind on training and manners, and/or had medical issues (some temporary, some permanent). A foster is not necessarily a short term thing either. When I commit to accepting a foster, I commit to that dog indefinitely. Luckily all of mine so far have had good temperaments and found great homes fairly quickly, but I know people who have fostered for a year or more depending on how specific the dogs' needs are. Before I fostered, the rescue looked more carefully at my home, lifestyle, and current dogs than any breeder has.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

Liesje said:


> I don't know if I would agree with fostering. It is hard work. My fosters have ALL been harder work than my own dogs (even though only one was part GSD). There is a lot that you don't have full control over. I have to go to vet appointments, adoption events, be available to meet prospective adopters, help screen applications that the initial person has approved, make contacts. All of my fosters have either been young dogs behind on training and manners, and/or had medical issues (some temporary, some permanent). A foster is not necessarily a short term thing either. When I commit to accepting a foster, I commit to that dog indefinitely. Luckily all of mine so far have had good temperaments and found great homes fairly quickly, but I know people who have fostered for a year or more depending on how specific the dogs' needs are. Before I fostered, the rescue looked more carefully at my home, lifestyle, and current dogs than any breeder has.


And you are an experienced owner with the level of education to both manage/train up the dogs and get them placed.
I believe in spending significant amount of time and resource on my dogs. However people here are overestimating the life changing commitment of owning a dog. Usually I am also guilty of up playing this.
But the truth is you can own very happy dogs/pets without turning your life upside down. Not hard at all. Maybe op could consider a different breed to a gsd who is a bit more of a commitment.


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## J-Boo (Mar 5, 2015)

If your wife agreed to a dog but was upset to find out you meant getting one right now, ask her what timeline she had been thinking of. See if you guys can get a better understanding of what the other one really wants out of this, so that one way or another the issue can move forward and not remain a festering wound in the relationship. Is she okay with a dog next year? After the baby is born? When the child is school aged? Once you each have a better understanding of what the other is looking for in this situation, then maybe you can come to a compromise.

In the meantime, would you consider adopting an adult dog rather than a puppy? If your wife really does not enjoy animals, a calmer dog already trained in basic obedience might have a better chance of changing her mind than an unhousebroken little whirlwind of teeth and fur! Perhaps even fostering an older dog to see how your wife does with that before considering a puppy.


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## misslesleedavis1 (Dec 5, 2013)

Andrew was on board with getting Dexter, until Dexter came and he realized that it was very hard to deal with a puppy. He blamed Dexter for his cats death, his weight gain, his interruption of routine, and he wanted to get rid of him every second day. This caused us to separate for a while (i stayed at my parents house with dexter) and the fighting was insane. All because of a cute little fluffy pup, and this was all after he was on board with a dog, he just didn't have experience with them. Anyways, it took him 2 years to admit he was thankful for Dexter. Now he is a total dog lover but it was hard. I would not wish that on any couple or puppy. Andrew acted as if he were a 4 year old child, a full grown man who is responsible for managing a cable tech team, was the union president for Rogers cable, and on the board of directors at work dismantled because of a puppy pee on the floor. 
Brutal.


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## shepherdmom (Dec 24, 2011)

WesS said:


> However people here are overestimating the life changing commitment of owning a dog. Usually I am also guilty of up playing this.
> But the truth is you can own very happy dogs/pets without turning your life upside down. Not hard at all. Maybe op could consider a different breed to a gsd who is a bit more of a commitment.


Unfortunately it seems that today's GSD's do take that type of commitment. 

I was shocked a couple of year ago when we adopted a non-GSD mix from a shelter. He is the easiest puppy I've ever raised. It made a wonderful and refreshing change.


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## WesS (Apr 10, 2015)

shepherdmom said:


> Unfortunately it seems that today's GSD's do take that type of commitment.
> 
> I was shocked a couple of year ago when we adopted a non-GSD mix from a shelter. He is the easiest puppy I've ever raised. It made a wonderful and refreshing change.


I agree with your post. However I will say this. A GSD can also sometimes "mimic" less demanding breeds. Thats why they say you should let the breeder chose your puppy to match your life-style. Also different lines of GSD may also sometimes be very different from one another. 

Yet if OP can be happy with a different breed, it may less of a 'commitment'. I think today's GSD's are all over the place. I often say that sometimes they should be considered different breeds altogether. This is a 'curse' but also a blessing in disguise. Sometimes for somebody whose heart is set on a GSD, there are more 'options' to suite his lifestyle.

The posters here seem to want the best for dogs, and go over and beyond. But dogs can be happy in a home where the whole world does not centre around them. No reason a dog lover, a person who does not really like dogs and a dog can coexist. I certainly grew up in such a household. Not to mention that often people get dogs just to please the 'kid'... At least in this case there is an adult who really wants the dog.


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## Lilie (Feb 3, 2010)

There are two sides to every story and the truth is found somewhere in the middle. We don't know why the wife doesn't want an animal in the house. Could be due to any reason. Could be she thought they'd go through the entire "finding a puppy process" together and was offended when he did it on his own. Could be she wanted to buy new carpet and now they're spending the money on a dog. Who knows. But I don't think this is entirely a 'she gets her own way' type of thing.


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## BadStarter (Apr 29, 2015)

WesS said:


> By your logic every hard working parent should not have human kids either. I would even go so far as to suggest. Maybe just maybe, raising a human child takes more effort than a dog. Put things into perspective. In life people have different priorities. Only that individual can decide what they are. But you post here is completely unrealistic. And no a kid who gets the same attention as a dog is not necessarily going to graduate from Harvard. He is more likely to graduate from Harvard if you work hard and can actually pay for the university.


Sure WesS, people have different priorities, choices, tastes and needs. That's life, isn't it? In my experience, though, ranking, classifying and choosing amongst them is always the issue as these come rarely in black and white. Having a Pet is a one way street, unless you want the poor guy to be left out at a later date. 
Having a priority is never the issue. But before making long term commitments based on those priorities, I try to ensure that my choices are in sync with the larger picture of time, money, career, relations, family etc. It's a fine balance 
Harvard is figurative, my limited point was as a parent and a pet owner, demand on my time is stretched.

and I have to rush now, or Dude is going to do it in the house, again


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## alexg (Mar 22, 2013)

No kids yet. Different wife maybe?


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

Alex, for the most part we try to be helpful and kind here. Read this sentence again.


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## wolfy dog (Aug 1, 2012)

katieliz said:


> Alex, for the most part we try to be helpful and kind here. Read this sentence again.


Translated for Alex : it is easier to make that decision without kids. 
I completely understand that point of view. I am not complete without a big dog and if my potential spouse had not wanted or liked dogs, we would not be together.
For some people it is easier to come to a compromise than for others, depending on the intensity of your desire for a dog.
A Pug or a Bichon would not have been a compromise to me, even if he had shown up with one.


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

BadStarter said:


> I disagree that a single person, working, can take care of a dog, at least for the first year. Maybe an adult, trained dog.
> 
> I would put it at how much space you got in you life? Check the puppy schedules, they are in itself a full time job. Look at the amount of work dog owners put in their pets; if that amount of energy is invested in a child, he will graduate from the Harvard.
> IF you have kids, then I would pretty much say that your priorities are well defined already: first comes kids n family and THEN the pet, if there ever be a need to prioritise time, and need, there will be. Every single day till they are 18.
> ...


Oh, for Heaven's sake, you would think raising a puppy was rocket science. It is not. I am sorry, but I think half the people with problems with their pups are because they have way too much time on their hands and are trying way too hard with the poor puppy.


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## onyx'girl (May 18, 2007)

I had a two yr old son, pregnant for my 2nd child, got a puppy during that time and had a senior dog. Oh, and I bred/raised parrots too...we all survived.


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## misslesleedavis1 (Dec 5, 2013)

onyx'girl said:


> I had a two yr old son, pregnant for my 2nd child, got a puppy during that time and had a senior dog. Oh, and I bred/raised parrots too...we all survived.


Jesus. Can I borrow some of what you got going on? I'm 3 dogs and 3 kids and one on the way and I can barely make dinner without wanting to crawl into bed.


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## onyx'girl (May 18, 2007)

lol, we also moved during that time, and I had several breeding pairs of parrots, handfeeding the chicks around the clock...no way could l do all that now.


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## gsdsar (May 21, 2002)

I am single. Have a full time job. And have managed to raise puppies without major issue. I think it's short sighted to say it can't be done. 

As Selzer said, it's not rocket science. Yes there are sacrifices. But it's totally doable.


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## llombardo (Dec 11, 2011)

I am also single and raised a son and puppies that way with a full time job. Presently I have 7 dogs all on my own working full time plus overtime and it works just fine.


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## vom Eisenherz (Feb 13, 2012)

rtdmmcintyre said:


> I like dogs. I like most animals and for a person to tell me that I could never have one if I were with them. Yea that would be a deal breaker. There is such a thing as compromise and then there is such a thing as abandoning your desires. a person who loves you isn't going to say forget your dreams only mine are important regardless of what we have agreed on previously.


YES- this isn't about a dog. This is about a rigid person not only failing to compromise on something of supreme importance to their spouse, but worse- pacifying as if he's a child, knowing full well she didn't mean it and was going to pitch a fit. Ugh...I detest this all-too-common women's tactic. 

No way would I be with (or stay with) someone who trivialized what's important to me. This is a huge, bright red flag, waving right in your face. These problems WILL haunt you again, only next time, you'll be several years down the road and have a few children to concern yourselves with when things to go south. This is a crossroads that could be a pivotal point in your relationship depending on how you handle it. 

For me, dealbreaker 100% and yes, I practice what I preach. I had a baby on my own with 5+ working line GSDs and 3 horses, alone in the country. I did it just fine and they're all great. When I hear women who say they can't handle ONE baby when they're MARRIED and have a dog...well.... Get a grip. The damsel in distress thing is not my bag, baby.


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

vom Eisenherz said:


> . When I hear women who say they can't handle ONE baby when they're MARRIED and have a dog...well.... Get a grip. The damsel in distress thing is not my bag, baby.


Wow... Really?

Everyone is different.

Just because you could handle all that doesn't mean someone else is capable of it, even if they try their hardest.

It also doesn't mean that they are not talented in another way, that you aren't.


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## WateryTart (Sep 25, 2013)

Liesje said:


> I don't know how we can help. I would get on the same page before getting a dog.
> 
> My husband is not involved with my dogs, but he is not against me having them. *If we weren't married, he would not have them, but he understands they are important to me.* He is very busy with work, sports that he plays/coaches, and finishing his masters degree and I am very busy training and competing with my dogs. I do all of their care, unless it is something I specifically ask him to do (feed one, let one out....). But he doesn't hate animals, his family had dogs growing up.
> 
> My aunt is borderline between not liking and hating animals and my uncle has always had a dog, but he has a working lab that lives outside in a kennel. She has ZERO invovlement with his dog and the dog has never been allowed inside. She probably doesn't even know how old his current dog is. This is just fine because my uncle does not keep a dog as a pet, he keeps a dog either for part of his job, or his hobby of having a bird dog for hunting.


I agree, and this is my husband and me too: He would not have a dog but for me. He is very involved with the dog because he does love her and does enjoy having a dog, but he's really a cat person. I'd be the driving force behind any subsequent dogs just like I was with this one.

And my in-laws are kind of like your aunt and uncle: my mother-in-law really doesn't like dogs, but my father-in-law would be glad to have one. She always just said no, so he's never had one. He gets his fix when they come to visit us.


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## WateryTart (Sep 25, 2013)

jingyong0815 said:


> We don't have kid now. But plan to have our first baby next year.


Wait, so you don't have kids together?

Before you do have kids, really think about this. Do you want to irrevocably and permanently tie yourself to someone who does not want what you appear to want very badly? I'm not saying, "She's terrible, divorce her!!!!eleventy" but I am saying it isn't too late to really carefully consider this and decide if it's a dealbreaker. No judgment if it is. It wouldn't have been for me, but I could understand it being a dealbreaker for others.


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