# I don't think I can hate myself more than I do right now



## Zaydi (Nov 8, 2011)

Sorry in advance if this is long. It's actually about my 17 yr old cat passed who away yesterday morning, whom I've had since I was 7 years old, so its already terrible enough being without him after all this time. He was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism a little over a month ago. The vet said he probably also had heart disease. I got medication for his thyroid though, and within days he was back to his usual old self. 
After a month of him being happy and healthy, or so it seemed, he stopped eating suddenly and it became hard for him to walk. I had to eventually give him water and paste food through a syringe. I knew that this was his heart failing and being as old as he was there wasn't much I could do to prolong his life anymore. 
The next night, he couldn't move at all and just lay flat on the floor. His breathing was shallow and his heart beat was slow. I knew it would probably be his last night. 
I THOUGHT he would go to sleep and never wake up. However, this was not the case. It turned out to be the worst night ever, and I only wished I took him to the vet before this night to have him put to sleep. I tried to get to the vet as they opened, but he ended up dying in my arms right as I went out the door. 
Why didn't I just have him euthanized before his suffering? I hate myself so much for letting my dear friend die like this, and I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I will never be ignorant of heart disease again, it is NOT a peaceful death.  I feel so terrible, I've been crying since yesterday morning. Please offer any words you might have, even if it's criticism, I deserve it...


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## onyx'girl (May 18, 2007)

I'm really sorry for your loss. Don't beat yourself up over this. Animals cannot tell us how bad they are suffering and they mask their pain out of instinct. 
They try last as long as they can without showing their vulnerability and then it is too late sometimes for us to get vet care in time. Don't hate yourself, your compassion shows in this post how much you loved him. What was his name?


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## mysweetkaos (Sep 20, 2011)

Zaydi said:


> Sorry in advance if this is long. It's actually about my 17 yr old cat passed who away yesterday morning, whom I've had since I was 7 years old, so its already terrible enough being without him after all this time. He was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism a little over a month ago. The vet said he probably also had heart disease. I got medication for his thyroid though, and within days he was back to his usual old self.
> After a month of him being happy and healthy, or so it seemed, he stopped eating suddenly and it became hard for him to walk. I had to eventually give him water and paste food through a syringe. I knew that this was his heart failing and being as old as he was there wasn't much I could do to prolong his life anymore.
> The next night, he couldn't move at all and just lay flat on the floor. His breathing was shallow and his heart beat was slow. I knew it would probably be his last night.
> I THOUGHT he would go to sleep and never wake up. However, this was not the case. It turned out to be the worst night ever, and I only wished I took him to the vet before this night to have him put to sleep. I tried to get to the vet as they opened, but he ended up dying in my arms right as I went out the door.
> Why didn't I just have him euthanized before his suffering? I hate myself so much for letting my dear friend die like this, and I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I will never be ignorant of heart disease again, it is NOT a peaceful death.  I feel so terrible, I've been crying since yesterday morning. Please offer any words you might have, even if it's criticism, I deserve it...


 
No criticism....MUCH sympathy. Please don't be hard on yourself. You could not have known how or when. You loved him and took care of him to the end. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## shannonrae (Sep 9, 2010)

Oh, geez. I am sorry to hear this. Don't beat yourself up too much. He probobally became unconsious at some point and didn't actually feel any pain at the end. 

When you don't understand your pets medical issues (as many owners do not) its easy to misjudge a situation. I believe your intentions were good and your kitty is not suffering anymore. Hope you feel better soon!


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## Kira81410 (Aug 17, 2011)

You definitely do NOT deserve criticism. My beloved cat Trouble died when I was 13 of what we think was cancer of some kind. We were never sure. I had had this cat since I was born, I never knew life without him. So first off let me say that I am SO sorry for the loss of your dear friend...
Second let me say that you are not at fault here. You did everything that you could in order to make his life as comfortable as it could be given the situation. Death is never a predictable thing, and even though he was not doing well on the night before, there's no way you could have really known that it would be his last night. And making the decision to put a great friend like that to sleep is a tough one regardless of situation. 
Once again, my deepest sympathy for the loss of your sweet boy.


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## wildwolf60 (Apr 13, 2001)

Please don't beat yourself up.....you were thinking that he would pass away quietly in his sleep, with no stress from being taken to the vet. Hindsight is always 20/20- you thought you were doing the right thing. We can't always make things come out the way we want them to. I'm sure your cat understands what your thoughts were and even though he didn't pass away as peacefully as you had hoped, at least you were with him to the end. 17 years is a good, long life to have lived, and I'm sure you gave him a great one! You need to stop being so hard on yourself-I certainly don't hold it against you, why would your best friend, who you have taken care of for so long blame you for wanting a peaceful ending at home? As hard as it was for you to watch his last moments, I'm sure he realized that you were there with him. It probably made it easier for him even if you didn't see it. Just realize that he is in a better place now, and that he is sure to be waiting for you with happiness and love. Just remember the good times with him....you did your best and he knows that.


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## Stevenzachsmom (Mar 3, 2008)

Oh Honey. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Everyone of us has a hard time figuring out if/when it is time to put our beloved pet to sleep. It seriously can be darned if you do and darned if you don't. I have sometimes wished I had done it sooner and I have sometimes wished I had let nature take its' course.

While not the peaceful death you wished for your cat, he did get to die in your arms. Personally, I don't think that is a bad way to go. He knew he was with you and that you loved him.

HUGS!
Jan


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## nicodemus (Dec 13, 2011)

first off, hindsight is always 20/20.... the important thing is you were with him at the end, wich is more than i can say for my friend henry, the rescue cat we picked up from a petsmart who was one of the kindest old toms i ever met. we came home one day to find him under one of our kids beds, back legs useless, meowing in distress.... we thought he fell and hurt his hips, but the vet informed my wife ( i was at work ) he had a stoke , and there was nothing we could do for him i couldnt even be there to give him a last cuddle and tell him how much i loved him..... i cried for a day and a half over my buddy, and i dont even wanna imagine how hard it will be to say goodbye to my sweet azriel, who i have shared my life with for 8 years now. 
there isnt anything i can say too make you feel better about what happend, these lil furry and hairy ppl we bring into our homes are as much a part of our families as our own kids, but you dont always make the right choices in life, and sometimes, bad things happen..... please dont beat yourself up too bad.


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## Zaydi (Nov 8, 2011)

Thank you all for your kind words. His name was Frisky. I called him that when I was little because he was a very hyperactive kitten lol I do think he was unconscious, or at least his brain was turned off for the worst of it. He would still look at me with his eyes at one point, but then he starting convulsing and choking up blood and mucous. After that he didn't move his eyes anymore, only his heart was beating fast. So I really hope he didn't feel anything after 
But I won't be able to get the images out of my head of the way he looked. I try to just think of the past 17 years when he was happy, but it may take a while to get over it.


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## Veronica1 (Jun 22, 2010)

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Like the others who have posted, my vet also says hindsight is 20-20. All those what ifs and wishing you'd taken a different path are really miserable. Even the vets don't always know the right course to take.


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## Freestep (May 1, 2011)

I'm so sorry. When a pet is dying, you feel guilty no matter how it ends up. If you take him in sooner to prevent further suffering, you always wonder if you did it too soon, cheating him out of any good days he could have had. If you do it later, you kick yourself for letting him suffer. You just can't win. You did everything you could with what you knew at the time--he was lying there quite peacefully--so it was natural to assume he was going to go out that way. Can you talk to a therapist about this? It will really help you deal with the feelings you are having, I know you must be feeling like you're in a nightmare, and it's going to give you PTSD if you do not take care of yourself. Frisky is no longer in pain and he does not, never did, blame you. He would want you to feel peace and remember the wonderful life you had together. :hug:


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## Zaydi (Nov 8, 2011)

Maybe it would help to talk to a therapist. I guess that's probably why I came and posted here to get it out. All of the responses though are helping me as well, so thank you.


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## amaris (Jan 6, 2011)

So sorry for ur loss Zaydi....


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## codmaster (Aug 5, 2009)

Zaydi said:


> Sorry in advance if this is long. It's actually about my 17 yr old cat passed who away yesterday morning, whom I've had since I was 7 years old, so its already terrible enough being without him after all this time. He was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism a little over a month ago. The vet said he probably also had heart disease. I got medication for his thyroid though, and within days he was back to his usual old self.
> After a month of him being happy and healthy, or so it seemed, he stopped eating suddenly and it became hard for him to walk. I had to eventually give him water and paste food through a syringe. I knew that this was his heart failing and being as old as he was there wasn't much I could do to prolong his life anymore.
> The next night, he couldn't move at all and just lay flat on the floor. His breathing was shallow and his heart beat was slow. I knew it would probably be his last night.
> I THOUGHT he would go to sleep and never wake up. However, this was not the case. It turned out to be the worst night ever, and I only wished I took him to the vet before this night to have him put to sleep. I tried to get to the vet as they opened, but he ended up dying in my arms right as I went out the door.
> Why didn't I just have him euthanized before his suffering? I hate myself so much for letting my dear friend die like this, and I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I will never be ignorant of heart disease again, it is NOT a peaceful death.  I feel so terrible, I've been crying since yesterday morning. Please offer any words you might have, even if it's criticism, I deserve it...


DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP! You obviously loved him and did the best that you knew to do! You had him with you as long as you could (and that is what they would all want if they could talk)!


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## Remo (Sep 8, 2004)

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You obviously were very good to him to have him reach a ripe old age. And you probably suffered more than he actually did. We are not psychic, and have no way to predict how something like this will turn out. Be kind to yourself and take strength in the good memories of your beloved Frisky.


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## Bridget (Apr 5, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel guilty. You did the absolute best you could given what you knew. And your decisions were made out of love. If it helps at all, I know how you feel. A while back I lost my cat and I felt so guilty because I was very busy at the time and didn't realize how sick he was and at the end felt that perhaps it could have been prevented if I had been paying attention. However I came to realize that even if I had reacted differently, the results may have been the same. Your cat did have a long, good life and was well loved. What a lucky cat really.


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## kiya (May 3, 2010)

I'm so sorry for your loss. 
I always hope and pray that my critters will go peacefully in their sleep. Unfortunately, it never seems to be the case. I have had to watch and make the decision too many times myself. There is always that slight glimmer of hope, then you feel the doubt and question yourself. No matter how it comes to play its always painful. Most of us understand exactly what you are going through. That moment when you hold on and don't want to let go too soon. You did nothing wrong.


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## sandee396 (Feb 7, 2011)

we all want and hope that our animals will recover, and that the decisions we make reguarding their health is the right one.
Everyone has regrets, what they should have, or could done, we make the best choice at the time.
I had a doberman 5 years old became sick with Cardiomyopathy, an uncurable disease, I took her to the University and they kept her alive overnight, and I knew in my heart that I should have just put her down that first day instead of making her suffer overnight, but they tried to tell me they could help her, they didn't by morning she was so bad I insisted they just put her down and end her suffering.
I have had regrets over that, and cried and cried over it, so your not alone, but time heal,all wounds and we must go on , and in time you will remember the good not the bad. And hopefully open your heart to another kitty.


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

I am sorry. 

The hardest part of pet ownership is losing them. It really does matter that they lived a long life, a good life were loved, etc. But in the moment it is hard to see all of that. Grieve for you kitty. But know that he is now not in pain. And he had a good life. And he was with you, his person, at the end of it. 

In days to come, it might be helpful to find photos of your kitty over the years, the special occasions that he shared with you, or to just remember and write down as many stories about your cat that you can remember. Remember the good times with your cat.


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## codmaster (Aug 5, 2009)

I once had a female GSD. She had DM for a long time and the vet warned us that one day she would slip down and be unable to rise on her hind legs or even just freeze to the ground and couldn't get up even one step. (I carried her into the house).

When we finally took the her to the vet, she slipped down on the vet floor 9some kind of tile) and i ended up having to carry her into the exam room!

Did we wait too long? Absolutely even though she didn't seem to have any pain just had no control.

VERY TOUGH DECISION OF WHEN! Can always second guess this most difficult thing to do!

DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT HOW YOU HANDLES YOURS.


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

can't add much more than everyone else has already said but please remember that when we make choices or decisions, no matter how they turn out, INTENT is everything. you did not know then what you know now and your intent was honorable.

rip frisky. take care zaydi. and yes, if you do not find peace with regard to this situation in a reasonable amount of time, therapy would always be good.

please do not even say you hate yourself. forgive yourself, again, it was not your intent that what happened, happened. i am so sorry you had this experience.


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