# What do I do?



## APBTLove (Feb 23, 2009)

I posted about having to put down our pittie a couple of days ago.
I have never felt this way... I haven't eaten since tuesday without being physically ill and losing what I'd just taken in.
I am so lost right now, I feel like we could have done more... We could not keep her, but due to the contract we signed at the adoption, we had to speak with the SPCA before finding her a rescue.
They needed to know why we were rehoming, and when we told, they said that our choices were to bring her in for a two week quarantine before euthanasia, or we put her down ourselves. Of course we did it ourselves.. I didn't want her to spend the last days of her life in a cold cell with strangers passing some nasty food under the gate, in her own excretions... Afraid.
We just spent several hundred dollars that day to care for the dog she attacked, and could not afford the vet's extra $100 fee to come to our home.
So she went to him... She was hugged and loved as he put the needle in her arm, and of course something had to go wrong and her vein failed, but he got enough in to put her to sleep. After she was out he administered the rest.

I feel like I've betrayed her. She trusted me so much. She was attacked as a pup and had severe fear aggression... She got over that with me, she knew I'd protect her. She learned so fast, she tried her best to please..

I haven't even felt this way when grandparents and such have died. 
Seeing her head hung limp and her body broken has torn my heart.

What can I do to ease this?


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## darga19 (Mar 4, 2009)

Time heals all.

Hang in there and don't feel like you betrayed her. She knows you did all you could.


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## allieg (Nov 4, 2008)

It will take time to heal your heart.Sorry you had to do this.


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## Mary Jane (Mar 3, 2006)

I'm very sorry that you had to euthanize Tinkerbell. She had some wonderful characteristics and was such a pretty girl-your picture of her with the roses is really beautiful. Truly, though, you recognized your responsibility to your Pom-who was crying for her life. What else could you do?

Since you seem to be quite a APBT enthusiast, can you possibly write about Tink for some breed forum? If someone with experience like you is still forced to euthanize their dog for dog aggression/injury, then plenty of inexperienced people may be in real jeopardy. By describing your situation, perhaps you can educate others about safety with APBT.

From what you said in the other thread here, Tink might have been a wonderful only dog for someone who could manage her fears/aggression outside the home. You can use your pain to help other breed lovers to pick the right dog for the right home.

I'm so sorry that you had to let her go.

MJ


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## Castlemaid (Jun 29, 2006)

You did not fail her, you have shown great courage in freeing Tink from whatever demons she struggled with. 

You gave her unconditional love, and will continue loving her, and she knows this.


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## Brightelf (Sep 5, 2001)

I am so, so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. Tink was a wonderful dog, so deeply loved by you.

The sickness, nausea, and horror you feel are all normal grieving. the intensity can be so scary.... and it is impossible to understand yet that it is also temporary. You will heal. Not only with time, but by pacing yourself to go through all the emotions-- sadness, guilt, anger, everything. Be extra good to yourself right now with drinking sips of water, getting fresh air. Grieving is hard work-- because all wounds heal from the inside out, so facing the feelings help it heal faster.

Tink was so lucky to have you. She had love, warmth, and humor in her home. She had adventures and sillyness, too. You loved her personality and her looks, and she knew it. Tink had no question about how incredibly, amazingly LOVED she always was.

You tried your best for Tink. Her problems were beyond her, and beyond you, and you are not at fault, nor is she. Explore your guilt-- because that's normal for grief-- but then let it go. You did everything for her, and then some. She felt you loving her every minute that she was with you-- no every dog gets so much love.

Be extra good to yourself right now while you hurt so deeply. Breathe.

Tink was a beautiful dog and a dog who enjoyed so much love and care from you. She was lucky to have you on her side.


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## Remo (Sep 8, 2004)

For me, the only thing that helps it to try and cry it all out. When I lost two dogs in two weeks, I took to the sofa in a heap. Did not eat, bathe, comb hair, I was a mess. I just kept looking at photos and crying my eyes out. After seven days of this, I was ready to start dealing with life again. Time was the only thing that helped. My heart aches for you. 

Hang in there. Eventually it will not hurt quite as badly as it does today.


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## Karin (Jan 4, 2008)

I'm so sorry that this happened. It's very common to have regrets and think you could have done things differently. But it's possible that your other dog (or some other person's dog) may have gotten horribly injured or even killed by Tink. You tried your best to help her, and she had a good life with you. There are some things that can't be fixed though, no matter how hard we try. It will take time to heal this wound.


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## middleofnowhere (Dec 20, 2000)

On my end, laying it all out helps. There are two other dogs in your home. You did right by all three. The Humane Society didn't give you much choice when you faced the current situation. Your only good option would have been to rehome her earlier. It is so hard to recognize when to do that. Even if you had, the outcome might have been no better for Tink. You gave her good times that she wouldn't have had without you. You did what you could, you did right by all three dogs and yourself. Doing right isn't always easy.

Do not think this was in vain. I think Tink's experience can be very helpful to other people and to the board. Often the board doesn't support for rehoming a dog before the situation is critical. Perhaps your story will help us step back in our assessment when people are considering rehoming one of their animals. It may also help people evaluate whether or not to adopt a dog aggressive dog, how to evaluate the situation if they do.


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## bullandterrier (Mar 31, 2009)

I have an APBT too.. reading this made me start crying.. I don't know what advice I could offer you, I don't know I'd be able to handle what you had to do. It's going to hurt for a long time.. just keep your other pups close, love on them whenever you're hurting. 

You gave her a great life. So many APBTs out there are tied to a 4 foot chain in someone's backyard with no attention, no water, no food. And so many APBTs out there are euthanized at the shelter.. your Tink was fortunate enough to have you there to be with her.


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## VectorSketcher (Jul 20, 2008)

I am so so so sorry for your loss, words can not heal your pain only time as others have said. I do hope things get better for you, my prayers are with you.


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

like others have said, as time passes the grief and sadness should begin to decrease. if it doesn't, then it's time to do some grief therapy. if you don't have insurance, sometimes there are groups (especially if you're near a major medical center or teaching hospital), which are less expensive. the bigger the love, the harder the loss. sometimes you just cannot get past it without help. i think even posting here on the board is good. it's good to get it out of your head.

can you take hold of your mind and visualize the red circle with the slash through it (the symbol for NO!), every time one of those guilt or blame thoughts enters your mind, and replace those thoughts with "there was no other choice given the circumstances". grief and sadness are very natural, and show how much you deeply cared. but guilt and blame are really, really destructive emotions and will block your way to healing.

take care, we're thinking of you...
katherine


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## onyx'girl (May 18, 2007)

I gave up a foster because he bit my husband in the back. I felt it for weeks and when I saw him a week after I returned him I just fell apart, I was very attached to him, and he loved me in his doggy way. Never got closure on it, that was what was hardest. It took me at least 6 weeks to not start, tearing up whenever I thought of him, and he didn't get put down, he is from what I have been told in a loving home. I found out the general vicinity where he lives and have traveled out of my way for a glimpse of him. 
Just remember where Tink could have ended up without you giving a loving home to her. You did the best you could. Thoughts are with you


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## VALIUM (Nov 15, 2007)

As a person who put his dog into sleep due to another form aggression, I know how you feel. First of all, I'm extremely sorry that this happened. I wish I had known what to say. I hope that time helps us. I'm sure you did the best for everyone. My thoughts are going to you...


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## Martie (Jun 3, 2008)

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so much harder when you feel there must have been something else you could do. The guilt taints your view of everything and makes grief, which is hard enough, sick somehow.

The day after Christmas, we put my old horse, Tippy, down. She came here foundered 18 years ago and while we got her better, she relapsed on several occasions - increasing in frequency as time went on. Tippy was not the nicest of horses. Only very experienced riders could ride her, even though she was "broke to death". If she got even a whiff that you were afraid or didn't know what you were doing, she would summarily dump you or if on the ground, tear away from you - rearing and kicking. I learned early on she was definitely not the kind of horse for "horsey rides" for visitors. She had human's "number" long before I got her and we and trainers were not able to convince her otherwise. So - she and I spent lots of time on the trails, where she excelled. She did not want or allow "loving", and scared me more than once, but we had a bond all the same after all those years. She and I were fine together, although it was not the most satisfying relationship for me.

For the past few years, I have suffered with increasing arthritis, which made it more and more difficult for me to handle her. I was becoming "weak" in her eyes and she was losing respect. This past year, her feet became very bad and required a lot of work - which made her even more annoyed - too much fussing! My wonderful farrier would come and help get her boots on (very painful for me) and I hobbled around treating her feet for months. She became more and more unruly.

Shortly after Thanksgiving, while walking her back to her paddock, she wheeled around and reared and struck at me. I managed to get out of her way and get her into the paddock, but those hooves flying over my head and in my face struck a deep fear in my heart.

The vet and farrier said there was not anything else to be done for her poor feet but the several-times-daily soaking, medication and boots to protect them. We could find no one willing to take on a 26 year old horse with bad feet and a worse attitude who could not be on pasture and was so dominant with other horses, she regularly injured them. I knew that if I tried to continue with her, she was going to seriously injure or even kill me.

Even writing this, I see there was no other choice, but the pain of putting her down was almost unbearable and will stay with me for the rest of my life. I couldn't help but think of what else I might have done.

While still processing all of this, I am beginning to come around and see that I likely did more than anyone else would have. The very love and caring you expressed in your message says volumes about who you are - and that is impressive, indeed. Please try, as I am, to see the good in yourself - to see that you did your very best - and that is all you have to give. We can do no more than this. Think about more callous people who might have just dumped her way early on - and what kind of life she might have had without you to love and protect her. The very things you are feeling guilty about are the things that make you wonderful. Try to see this - have faith - and appreciate who you are.


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## lupina (Mar 4, 2009)

It's been stated here already: Time heals

In the meantime. Writing about her may be theraputic. 

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book 30+ yrs ago 'Death and Dying.' She identified 5 stages of grief...This experience w/Tink requires you to move through these...denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

You feel as though you didn't do enough. Please, look at this tragic situation as if you are a neutral 3rd party. For you to heal means you must stop beating yourself up...Negative energy breeds more negative energy...

I know it doesn't feel like it today, but you need to replace that image in your mind of her lifeless body...her soul, what made her tink...had already left our physical earth. Do you like to swim? Go do laps. 

Reach out. As you can clearly read from the numerous entries posted here. You are not alone...


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## Brightelf (Sep 5, 2001)

Just checking in on how you are doing today. I am thinking of you, and praying that you have some respite from the grief, are taking breaks, a warm bath, a walk with a furry friend, remembering to breathe. Tink was a happy dog who had a happy life. She had so much love. Such a lucky girl she was. Please be gentle with yourself as you go through the hurting. You are heading towards healing and understanding. Sending prayers for you today.


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## ozzymama (Jan 17, 2005)

You know, we lost one of our pets about a month ago. I don't, or try not to speak of it because I know it was 100% my fault. I totally failed. It took weeks before the dreams weren't nightmares but more peaceful dreams where I could feel the animal's forgiveness if that makes sense. Everyone else who knows what happened has assured me it was an accident and wasn't my fault, but I know it was. 
My sister went through something similar when she put down her older beagle who's stomach intersuppted (sp?) she found a website where she could write about her and share grief stories with others. For me, my grief, guilt and feelings are all mine and I will judge myself and blame myself. I don't need others to do it for me.

It's really a time thing. It took a couple weeks to even be able to remember anything positive, everything was bad and everything I ever did with the animal was wrong. Second guessing is the really hard part. The what-if's, the failure as a pet parent/owner was what really kept me from moving on. I'm calmer now, more at peace with what happened........ But it's been a month. I'm still very raw.
I was very fortunate, I know others have had resentment towards their other pets. The only thing I really have thought is why aren't they grieving...... You always hear the stories, but mine only moped for a day, then were fine, that to me seemed like a betrayal, but then it might have been the best thing because I didn't stress or worry infront of them. I was a bit robotic with their feedings and exercise and the training was minimal the first two weeks, but they made me return to normal quickly. 

I really don't have any advice, just telling my recent situation..... Really it's just time, talking to people if that helps you. I believe there is a book called "Sacred Contracts" it details the contracts we have with souls in this life, why they come into our lives and what we teach one another through those contracts. My beloved pet taught me alot, now I can be thankful to him for that and accept the rest as part of our journey.


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