# This may be premature, but...



## Thecowboysgirl

She is a month shy of 13. Sometimes, she seems so full of life. She plays with me, she sometimes still goes for walks.

BUT. So much has gone wrong. she had really bad vestibular this summer and has never been the same since. She was having progressive constipation that has gotten much, much worse. I have to give her fluids every day. Basically our day is like this-- 1 hour in the morning it takes to do fluids, mix her meds, administer all meds, take her to poop probably twice and then wash her because her hygiene is terrible (she gets poop all over her rear)

She's on a ton of meds for bowel stimulation and laxatives. Since the last crisis she hasn't made it more than a week without an enema as a rescue because she still will become unable to poop despite everything else I am doing. She's been to the big hospital and seen internal medicine for this. They say if it can't be controlled with all the meds she is on then they want to consider a bowel resection surgery or removing all/part of her colon.

there appears to be a part of her intestines that just functions poorly and cannot move things along. They can't say 100% sure why. Mostly think neuropathy. There is no blockage, she has had a recent abdominal ultrasound to look for that.. Internal medicine did suggest a possible neurology consult but that means another state altogether and frankly I'm totally bankrupted by all this, I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on her in the past few months. There is no price I won't pay but I also realize there will come a point when there is nothing more that can be done. And I sort of doubt that anything can really be done to truly fix this at her age.

Today I told her vet...i fear we have a quality of life issue. I feel like I spend more time with her poking and prodding her and pilling her and sticking needles in her than having any enjoyment and she is OVER it. He said yes...that is the age old dilemma.... I said, I feel I have choice and he said you don't, if you were not doing everything you are doing she would die. Which confirmed what I thought...lesser care than what I have done recently and she would already be gone.

She played ball with me today (in her old lady way). She wagged her tail. I took her to the tracking field. She doesn't get it at all but she snuffled for food in the grass and I think she enjoyed herself.

Awhile ago she became so constipated that she vomited so violently as a result that she aspirated and got pneumonia and it was a close call. Then I learned how to give her enemas and I have a much of rescue meds and enemas on hand so I can head that off at the pass when it gets that bad.

I know the end is near. I don't know how to figure it out. I do not want her to suffer or lose all her dignity. I know she has suffered already but then I ask her if she wants to play and she comes alive and gets so happy. She can seem so full of life still i can't imagine putting her down.

She is such a good girl. She still goes to her bed in the kitchen and lays down so i can jab a huge needle in her and run her fluids twice a day. She is too good for this. But also I can only even do it because she is so good.

Neither of my local vets feel I should consider the surgery which is my inclination too. She is too old. Risks way too great. 

I guess I don't know how to weigh doing all this stuff to her to keep her going every day vs. how much enjoyment she gets out of every day. It is just so hard to figure out.


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## GatorBytes

Sometimes they hold on for you...you think she is happy to play ball, yet she might be thinking, she seems so happy when I play ball!
This poem might be premature too...
whatever your decision, she will be on board


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## dogfaeries

There’s no way to not second guess yourself. A good day, a bad day. It makes it all so confusing. I’ve been there, and it stinks. My heart goes out to you.


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## tim_s_adams

My heart goes out to you also...it's always difficult making that decision, and no matter what you choose you'll question it later. Just follow your heart, whatever you decide will be right for you and for her.


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## Thecowboysgirl

GatorBytes said:


> Sometimes they hold on for you...you think she is happy to play ball, yet she might be thinking, she seems so happy when I play ball!
> This poem might be premature too...
> whatever your decision, she will be on board


She would, too. Back when she had that bad crisis with the pneumonia I asked 2 vets if it was just time. The first one said no I owe her a trip to the big hospital first. The internal medicine vet said no, there are medicines we have not tried yet and she isn't there.

Now we've tried the medicines, we've been to the referral hospital, and we are pretty much back where we started.

The laser was kind of a last ditch maybe we can reduce inflammation in her spine and see if thst helps anything. It has helped her comfort level, she can get on the couch again. But it has not helped her pooping. I am still doing it because she has better mobility and she can't take any pain pills really because it all interacts with another drug or condition that she has so adequan and laser are it.

Am giving her CBD too but I don't think it is doing anything


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## Sabis mom

Thecowboysgirl said:


> She is a month shy of 13. Sometimes, she seems so full of life. She plays with me, she sometimes still goes for walks.
> 
> BUT. So much has gone wrong. she had really bad vestibular this summer and has never been the same since. She was having progressive constipation that has gotten much, much worse. I have to give her fluids every day. Basically our day is like this-- 1 hour in the morning it takes to do fluids, mix her meds, administer all meds, take her to poop probably twice and then wash her because her hygiene is terrible (she gets poop all over her rear)
> 
> She's on a ton of meds for bowel stimulation and laxatives. Since the last crisis she hasn't made it more than a week without an enema as a rescue because she still will become unable to poop despite everything else I am doing. She's been to the big hospital and seen internal medicine for this. They say if it can't be controlled with all the meds she is on then they want to consider a bowel resection surgery or removing all/part of her colon.
> 
> there appears to be a part of her intestines that just functions poorly and cannot move things along. They can't say 100% sure why. Mostly think neuropathy. There is no blockage, she has had a recent abdominal ultrasound to look for that.. Internal medicine did suggest a possible neurology consult but that means another state altogether and frankly I'm totally bankrupted by all this, I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on her in the past few months. There is no price I won't pay but I also realize there will come a point when there is nothing more that can be done. And I sort of doubt that anything can really be done to truly fix this at her age.
> 
> Today I told her vet...i fear we have a quality of life issue. I feel like I spend more time with her poking and prodding her and pilling her and sticking needles in her than having any enjoyment and she is OVER it. He said yes...that is the age old dilemma.... I said, I feel I have choice and he said you don't, if you were not doing everything you are doing she would die. Which confirmed what I thought...lesser care than what I have done recently and she would already be gone.
> 
> She played ball with me today (in her old lady way). She wagged her tail. I took her to the tracking field. She doesn't get it at all but she snuffled for food in the grass and I think she enjoyed herself.
> 
> Awhile ago she became so constipated that she vomited so violently as a result that she aspirated and got pneumonia and it was a close call. Then I learned how to give her enemas and I have a much of rescue meds and enemas on hand so I can head that off at the pass when it gets that bad.
> 
> I know the end is near. I don't know how to figure it out. I do not want her to suffer or lose all her dignity. I know she has suffered already but then I ask her if she wants to play and she comes alive and gets so happy. She can seem so full of life still i can't imagine putting her down.
> 
> She is such a good girl. She still goes to her bed in the kitchen and lays down so i can jab a huge needle in her and run her fluids twice a day. She is too good for this. But also I can only even do it because she is so good.
> 
> Neither of my local vets feel I should consider the surgery which is my inclination too. She is too old. Risks way too great.
> 
> I guess I don't know how to weigh doing all this stuff to her to keep her going every day vs. how much enjoyment she gets out of every day. It is just so hard to figure out.


I sat on the floor with Sabi in the middle of the night when all the noise of the day was gone and had a long conversation with her. I know that sounds really stupid but I did. I told her how afraid I was to be alone. I told her how sorry I was that I could not find a way to fix this. I told her how much I dreaded a mistake that would rob us of a day. I poured out my heart and said how worried I was that I could not do this. I was just not strong enough. 
I saw the weariness in her eyes, I saw the love. I knew that she would hold on until **** froze over if she could. And I saw her answer as clear as if she spoke it. 
You can do this, because I chose you. 

Stop thinking and just feel. You will do what's right.


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## Jenny720

One of the worst decisions to make. If they are eating and drinking and if they can get comfortable and not in pain are all the things I look for. When it’s time you will know they will let you know.


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## Thecowboysgirl

Sabis mom said:


> I sat on the floor with Sabi in the middle of the night when all the noise of the day was gone and had a long conversation with her. I know that sounds really stupid but I did. I told her how afraid I was to be alone. I told her how sorry I was that I could not find a way to fix this. I told her how much I dreaded a mistake that would rob us of a day. I poured out my heart and said how worried I was that I could not do this. I was just not strong enough.
> I saw the weariness in her eyes, I saw the love. I knew that she would hold on until **** froze over if she could. And I saw her answer as clear as if she spoke it.
> You can do this, because I chose you.
> 
> Stop thinking and just feel. You will do what's right.


It doesn't sound stupid, I've had that conversation before just not with her. I was able to make it possible for my horse to pass with the dignity and pride he wanted more than he wanted a few more days or weeks. I don't regret it.


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## Sunsilver

One of my dogs did me the favour of passing in her sleep. With Ranger, it was harder. He could get up and down the stairs to the outside if I helped him, and his appetite was good, and he did not seem to be in any pain. But he would lose control of his bowels several times a week. I put up with it because I loved him and the poop was always firm and dry and easy to clean up.

Finally, it reached the point where I would come home from work, and find him lying on the floor, unable to get up. The vet tried a couple of different medications, and I thought he got better briefly.

Then there came this day when he couldn't get up at all, unless I helped him. When I did help him, his hind legs were so weak, they were crossing over. OF COURSE this had to happen on a weekend, when our regular vet wasn't available! I made some calls, and found a vet that was open the next day, and wouldn't charge an extra emergency fee.

I slept beside him that night, in case he needed anything. The next morning, he got up, went to his water bowl and drank as if nothing had happened the previous day.

I ALMOST backed out. But I knew it was going to happen again. He was 14 years old, so any sort of invasive procedure to find the cause of the problem was out of the question. And I thought of him lying on the floor all those hours while I was at work, struggling to get up, and I knew it wasn't fair to him. The time had come. :crying:

Still it was so very, very hard.


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## Hatch

Whatever you decide, she has had a blessed life to have such a loving parent. I will be praying for you and your girl.


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## dogma13

I've been there too.It's pure agony figure out the right thing to do.I'm so sorry.


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## Dunkirk

Only you can make that decision, it's so deeply personal, between you and your girl. We know the heartache and anguish you're going through. The last dog I put down was my bearded collie. The vet came to our house to put her down. In the end I decided I'd rather put her down 2 weeks too early, than have her suffer 2 weeks too long. But that was the right decision for me, and my dog.


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## selzer

I am sorry you are going through this. 

Sometimes it is best to do a diary for 30 days, and give an overall impression: good day, bad day, and then a few lines of what stood out today. Sometimes looking back on the month, from day to day, we can see more clearly whether she is ready or not. 

You are the one that has to make the decision, and will know. 

I think we look at putting a dog down as a sort of betrayal, or something that we do because we feel that we are being inconvenienced by the dogs needs. This is not true. It is a way our brains attack us when we are down by making us feel guilty. Euthanizing a dog so that they do not suffer unnecessarily is the last gift we can give to our beloved friends. It is just so hard to feel that way when you are in the middle of it.


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## Sunsilver

So true, Selzer, so true!!

I often think that if I hadn't been working, or if I'd had more money, and been able to pay someone to look after Ranger while I was at work, I could have kept him going longer, as he didn't seem to be suffering. Or I could have had a cart made for him to help him get around.

Then, I shake my head, and say, Hey, who am I kidding? The dog was FOURTEEN years old! How many GSDs even make it to that age? If I hadn't done it that day, it would have been a week, two weeks, a month down the road anyway! And how do I really know he wasn't suffering? Dogs can be very stoic!

But we do like to beat ourselves up when it comes to stuff like this!


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## Thecowboysgirl

selzer said:


> I am sorry you are going through this.
> 
> Sometimes it is best to do a diary for 30 days, and give an overall impression: good day, bad day, and then a few lines of what stood out today. Sometimes looking back on the month, from day to day, we can see more clearly whether she is ready or not.
> 
> You are the one that has to make the decision, and will know.
> 
> I think we look at putting a dog down as a sort of betrayal, or something that we do because we feel that we are being inconvenienced by the dogs needs. This is not true. It is a way our brains attack us when we are down by making us feel guilty. Euthanizing a dog so that they do not suffer unnecessarily is the last gift we can give to our beloved friends. It is just so hard to feel that way when you are in the middle of it.


This is a great idea. I actually started doing this right after the pneumonia: I was making a log so I could try and look back and see how many days out of a month had been bad for her. and then things seemed better and I stopped. I will start that again for sure. Sometimes I get all emotional or exhausted and my brain isn't giving me a clear picture.

One thing I feel so blessed for: I work at home and I have been able to take time off for her or pop in and check on her during the day or basically do anything she needs. She can toddle up to the kennel with me and lay behind my desk with me whenever she wants. 

The only trips we took this summer were in the rv and we brought the dogs. After that one vacation last spring I think I told my husband I would not leave her again. We were supposed to take the rv down to see my father a few weeks ago, but I had been up all night with her and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to travel with her in the shape she was in I just cancelled.


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## Thecowboysgirl

Dunkirk said:


> Only you can make that decision, it's so deeply personal, between you and your girl. We know the heartache and anguish you're going through. The last dog I put down was my bearded collie. The vet came to our house to put her down. In the end I decided I'd rather put her down 2 weeks too early, than have her suffer 2 weeks too long. But that was the right decision for me, and my dog.


In general totally agree, too early is better than too late. What is time to them anyway...

Also, she is just not a dog who wants to be a lump. She wants to do stuff. Ironically my last dog to pass I think would have been totally happy sleeping, getting belly rubs and hamburgers and nothing else for months, and he passed kind of suddenly. She is not like that. She wants to be the dog she always was, she wants to work, train and play and do stuff even now and I think she will as long as there is a breath in her. 

Thanks for all the input guys, I really appreciate it. I did write down her week in review and am restarting her welfare / what meds produced what result log.

I am just taking it day by day and then I will look back and see what I can see.

I think my vet will come here to do it when it is time, I'll talk to him about that too.


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## Thecowboysgirl

Well, today is a good day for her. She had no pain response when I did her morning fluids. She hopped up like a spry young thing when I asked the dogs if they want to come help me load the truck for the dump. She played with a toy. 

She rode to the dump with me with her chin on the window which she loves. I stopped by the general store and got her a hot dog, which she ate happily. 

Today, she can poop. She ate a real breakfast before the hot dog.

Right now she is sleeping peacefully.

Today is not that day, for sure. And it goes in the log as a good day. I will continue to keep notes until it becomes clear that the scales tip in the other direction.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.


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## LuvShepherds

What a beautiful girl. She will let you know when she is ready to go. You will know when you listen. Look at the joy in her eyes when she goes for a drive or eats a hot dog. When the light isn’t there anymore, it is time. We tend to deal with death badly. We can learn a lot from our dogs.

We just lost an elderly family member recently. It was a terrible loss for everyone. A few months ago, she told me she was ready to go and it was what she wanted, which didn’t make the loss any less, but I understood.


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## readaboutdogs

Glad she's having a good day! Day by day, it's all any of us can do, I never saw that spirit/presence fade out of our dogs, yes, they slowed down, weren't able to carry on as they had in the past, the physical pain/illness present, but the spark was still there! I think that is the hardest part. They just enjoy life, seeing what the day will bring, the spark that gets us up and moving. I guess it's all part of making the complete circle of life. She looks content in those pics.


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## GSDchoice

I like how she has her comfy position with chin on the car door, and her comfy position on the couch. 
She looks like she is still enjoying life, and has a good life...
You do a lot for her, that's so great.

Thanks for sharing her Good Day!


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## atomic

I truly believe dogs are the sole proof that it is better to have loved than not at all. We so willingly take them into our lives, knowing what will eventually come and lose ourselves with an incomparable sense of loyalty and love. I can’t think of a better sense of the word love than what we share with dogs. 

Dogs share that same feeling with us, perhaps in an even more profound way. Except it comes naturally to them, it is their very essence. They would of course sacrifice any malady to spend time with us or make us happy. Except when even they know the time has come. And they do. You won’t doubt it when she tells you. It is not exactly the same but I have bad knees and although it hurts me and I might not be able to move the next day, I still embark on hikes and participate in races. The pain is worth the joy I receive doing what I do, and we are that to our dogs except ten fold.

I had a horse 30 years old I had for 17 years, since I was six years old. I’ll never have another like him, he was amazing and we were so completely in tune. I decided to put him down not because he was sick, miserable, wasn’t eating, or any of those sorts of health issues. He ate a senior feed and that was it as far as supplemental care to his age. But he had such terrible arthritic calcification in one of his knees that it was three times it size, bowed out and he’d almost fall over and lay down when the farrier would try to lift it for a trim. You could tell it hurt terribly especially in the colder months, and he was always incredibly stoic. He would still run like that with the other horses, I was sincerely worried one day it would snap on him it was so bad. Instead of letting it come to that, I had him put down right as it started to get colder out. I still miss him and it’s been seven years, he even shows up to visit in my dreams every so often.


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## Jenny720

Nothing better then a good day glad she is feeling good.


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## tc68

Reading this thread, especially that poem that Gator posted and seeing your pictures has brought tears to my eyes. It was 2 years ago (still fresh in my mind) that I was making that same decision for my 1st dog. (Still hurts. I feel like I betrayed him.) I had no idea when and where to do it. He had his good days and he had his bad. I asked everyone: the vets, the vet techs, the oncologist, my friends who had dogs, neighbors with dogs, my family, etc. Everyone I knew. And I still couldn't get the right answer I wanted. But what everyone did say was that 1) it had to be *my* decision, 2) if there were more bad days than good, then it was maybe time, and 3) it's not just the quality of life for the dog, but also the quality of life for you. If you're getting 2 hours of sleep a night, or your cleaning poop off his long fur outside in the freezing temperatures at 3 in the morning, then your quality of life is...well you get it. His good days: a normal day. Bad days: vomiting, didn't want to go out to poop, pooping while eating/sleeping, loss of appetite, etc. I was told by the oncologist that he had several months...3 to 5 months. I was trying so hard to get him past the new year. But at the end, I made the decision at 2 months (from diagnosis), around X'mas time, something I tried to avoid. Why then? Bad days had become 5 days out of the week. I just picked a random day that my whole family could be there with me. I also decided not to do it at home. I didn't want to remember a lifeless body or that death happened at his favorite spot. I also didn't want to do it at my primary care vet's office either. I knew I was going to get another dog some day and I didn't want to that last image of him to pop up in my mind at the vet's office. So I made the decision to do it at the hospital. Even though it was an unfamiliar place but he was still surrounded by his 5 favorite people.

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I hope my short story helps even a tiny bit to help you make a decision. Sorry, it's all over the place. I was just writing down my thoughts as they came to mind.


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## Thecowboysgirl

tc68 said:


> Reading this thread, especially that poem that Gator posted and seeing your pictures has brought tears to my eyes. It was 2 years ago (still fresh in my mind) that I was making that same decision for my 1st dog. (Still hurts. I feel like I betrayed him.) I had no idea when and where to do it. He had his good days and he had his bad. I asked everyone: the vets, the vet techs, the oncologist, my friends who had dogs, neighbors with dogs, my family, etc. Everyone I knew. And I still couldn't get the right answer I wanted. But what everyone did say was that 1) it had to be *my* decision, 2) if there were more bad days than good, then it was maybe time, and 3) it's not just the quality of life for the dog, but also the quality of life for you. If you're getting 2 hours of sleep a night, or your cleaning poop off his long fur outside in the freezing temperatures at 3 in the morning, then your quality of life is...well you get it. His good days: a normal day. Bad days: vomiting, didn't want to go out to poop, pooping while eating/sleeping, loss of appetite, etc. I was told by the oncologist that he had several months...3 to 5 months. I was trying so hard to get him past the new year. But at the end, I made the decision at 2 months (from diagnosis), around X'mas time, something I tried to avoid. Why then? Bad days had become 5 days out of the week. I just picked a random day that my whole family could be there with me. I also decided not to do it at home. I didn't want to remember a lifeless body or that death happened at his favorite spot. I also didn't want to do it at my primary care vet's office either. I knew I was going to get another dog some day and I didn't want to that last image of him to pop up in my mind at the vet's office. So I made the decision to do it at the hospital. Even though it was an unfamiliar place but he was still surrounded by his 5 favorite people.
> 
> I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I hope my short story helps even a tiny bit to help you make a decision. Sorry, it's all over the place. I was just writing down my thoughts as they came to mind.


Well, you brought up another piece of it that I didn't really want to say but it probably should be said. I have gotten critically low on sleep in the past few months since this has gotten really bad. I'd say since the summer I've almost not had a single night of uninterrupted sleep. Some nights I would be up with her every night on the hour and could not even get back to sleep in between most times. I'm not a good sleeper anyway. A good night would be I only have to take her out once.

Two weeks ago I finally broke down and had her sleep in my kennel (detached building. Very nice, climate controlled, she is comfortable there). I have in and out runs, and I left her with the door up so she could just take herself to the bathroom when she needed. A dog door in my house won't really work for a lot of reasons not the least of which she has some senility and gets confused at night, can't see well in the dark, and can't be negotiating my porch stairs like that on her own, and she eats dirt like crazy when unsupervised outside. But the run is perfect, she can just step through a flap into a 6x12 outdoor run where she cannot get disoriented or fall and she can toilet and go back to bed without me.

BUT I've never slept apart from her in her life. It took me literally months to get desperate enough to have her sleep up in the kennel. Honestly she did not seem distressed by it, although I don't think she sleeps as well up there as she does in the house. I, however, felt like a new person after a couple nights' sleep. after my husband, my vet and my therapist were all like listen, you can not go on like this. Let her sleep in the kennel, she will be okay.

She really does seem okay up there. but I still hate it. But honestly I was near to the point of considering putting her down because I felt I could not go on. 

So, the plot thickens. She's been in the house with me all weekend. I got so emotional after making this post that I decided I couldn't put her up there again one night and then we were full so she had to come back down anyway. She hasn't been too bad. Last night I only had to get up with her once. If it's not poop sometimes she has these episodes where she just paces and whines and I don't think even she knows what she wants or needs. Sometimes I think she has sundowners a little.

And then, like I said, other times she seems so full of life during that day that I think I am losing my mind even considering it. OR like others have said I'm actually going there in my head because I can't go on like this.

If she were truly distressed by sleeping in the kennel that would be a dealbreaker but she really does not seem to be. I have cameras up there and I check on her and she is just sleeping peacefully. If she has to go, she takes herself out. I'm lucky I even have that as an option. And what can I do, the poor girl takes whopping doses of laxatives daily, no wonder she has to poop at 2am.


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## atomic

I personally will always have my animals put down where they are happiest and most comfortable, at their home. I believe most if not all animals are much more stressed and anxious at vet offices, I know mine are. I want to make their last moments as well as possible. I will also always be there with them, they deserve it. I hear about people leaving their dogs to be euthanized in a cold vet cubicle without them being there and it makes my heart hurt.


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## selzer

I take them to my vet. The vet they know. The vet I know. There are now 3 vets there that they may see. Two have been there for over 20 or 30 years. One is newer. 

When I brought Babsy in, she was almost 13. Dr. Curie, who owns the place and who I saw the first time with Princess, when I was 15, 35 years ago. He came in and went down on his knees and hugged Babsy. 

The vet techs at my vet clinic always tell me they are not afraid of my dogs. My dogs are not afraid of them. They do not act like they are scared to death there. There may be some anxiety if they are already hurting, but mostly, they are perfectly good at the vet. 

When I put Heidi down last month, they brought a blanket in for her to lie on. She fought going to sleep. But we got her to sleep in the end, and then they put her down. It was terribly sad. And I know I will have to think about Babsy and Heidi and Quinnie, and Tori, and Jenna, and Milla and Ninja, and Cujo1 all of which were put down there. Well Cujo died there, before the juice was administered. 

The thing is, it's horrible to lose your best friend. It's horrible to lose a young dog. It's horrible to lose an old dog. Most of the time, I watch them pass and feel incredibly sad, but also happy that this ending I can give them is peaceful. They go to sleep. And then shut down. I have time in that little cold room to hold them, to sing to them, to tell them how beautiful and special and good they were their whole life.


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## Thecowboysgirl

Well today was another good day. Kind of makes me feel stupid for starting this thread. She was energetic and asked to go for a walk with the boys so I cut their walk short so she could come.

She did not eat well at all. No breakfast, about 1/2 her dinner. But during the day she seemed happy and alert and playful.

My husband got home and we talked about it. He says he does not think she is there at all....

The log continues. We shall see


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## dogma13

Don't feel stupid!It helps to talk things over and keep a sort of journal.


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## Thecowboysgirl

She may just be cycling but I thought I'd share a quick update. Since I started this thread she has continued to do well and even improved.

Some things of note: it may be unrelated cycling but I did buy her a bottle of CBD. When it ran out I thought, if anything she is worse so i am not buying more. Her appetite had tanked so bad I had a sack of bacon double cheeseburgers and cans of AD food and if I got her to eat one or the other in a 24hr period it was a win. No appetite. I thought this is it...when we start with the cheeseburgers the end is near

CBD ran out and she perked back up and starting eating again. She is eating her regular food again no problem. She went from 61 at her lowest to 63 back up to 65lb. 65 is a good weight. 61 she was thin. Not a bit to spare if anything went wrong. She looks healthy at 65. I am no longer feeding her rescue food. Right now I think the CBD made her worse, although it could have been a coincidence. But fair warning if you try random supplements! (It was a quality one)

I *think* I have found to magic mixture of her stomach meds and she has been a whopping 3 weeks without an enema. Or maybe the laser on her back is helping...the vet thought it might which is why we are doing it. Orthopedically she is definitely more comfortable.

I've dropped her fluids back to every other day and she is doing ok so I feel like quality of life improvement there with less needle jabs

She is still sleeping in the kennel most nights if there is a vacancy. She has climate control indoor run with dog door into a covered outdoor run. She uses her outside run to toilet overnight and I get her first thing. I do a night check late potty for my boarders so that's when I leave her up there and I get her bright and early so we are only apart for the time I am sleeping. She seems totally fine with it. She is happy to see me in the morning but is not distressed when I leave her at night. The kennel is quiet, I don't take nuisance barkers. So she goes to bed with classical music and then takes care of her own needs at night so I can finally get some sleep. My vet was encouraging me to do this and he was so right...I have so much more compassion and energy for her to take better care of her during the day now that I can sleep. And that's exactly what he would lecture me for every time I bring her in...you can't take good care of her if you are stumbling around without sleeping for months.

So things have definitely taken a turn for the better for now.


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## GatorBytes

This is such a wonderful update!


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## middleofnowhere

I don't know how I missed this thread but what an encouraging update. For now things sound good. That's the best news. For now is what counts.


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## Thecowboysgirl

middleofnowhere said:


> I don't know how I missed this thread but what an encouraging update. For now things sound good. That's the best news. For now is what counts.


We are still just taking it day by day. She likes to play with me so I try to make time to spend alone with her every day just doing stuff she likes.

We've started taking walks in town after her laster treatments because the mountain trails are a struggle for her now. But she likes to stroll around town and the sidewalks are easy for her

Every day is gravy. We probably don't have that much time left.


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## Muskeg

I like to just sit and "be" with an old dog. Connect with her and I think there is some level of communication we make without words between us and our dogs. It's so hard not to dwell on the future heartache, but I try to be with them, like they are with me. And it also helps to have no regrets, as I'm sure you do, about the amazing love and adventure filled life you have given her.


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## Aly

I can't add anything meaningful to the wisdom you've already received. We've all been there too many times. It's part of the awful contract we make each time we bring a new life into our homes and hearts. And each time when they go, it's simply heartbreaking. She's a beautiful, well loved girl who clearly loves you back and knows that you will do right by her when the time comes. 

Hang in there.


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## ksotto333

Such difficult days, I'm so sorry you're going through this. For all the joy they bring us, this heartache will always be unbearable.


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## Thecowboysgirl

ksotto333 said:


> Such difficult days, I'm so sorry you're going through this. For all the joy they bring us, this heartache will always be unbearable.


Thanks. I feel a little like I am on a rollercoaster. I feel like I have semi come to terms with that not much more can go wrong before I lose her.

Then we have days like today. She marched up the hill and walked a mile with her brothers like it was nothing and now she is out here playing tug like a maniac.

The crazy side eye is for her brother who thought of interrupting to ask me to throw his ball....unacceptable says the queen....

I look at her right now and think no way are you 13 and no way are you dying any time soon.

Then I just feel like I have whiplash. There is nothing to do but be happy she is here and having fun.

We went to a trial this weekend and slept over in the rv. She hasn't slept in bed with me for years and years but she wants to sleep with me in the rv, I don't know why. So my husband and my competition dog hogged one bed and I slept by the door with her so I could take her out and we had a fun slumber party together. It's great that she loves he rv and loves camping and travels well so at least I can take her traveling hospital and her with me and still go do stuff.


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## middleofnowhere

Oh and what a side eye that is!


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## Thecowboysgirl

middleofnowhere said:


> Oh and what a side eye that is!


hahahaha yes. Don't mess with the queen, especially when she is playing with mom


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## ksotto333

The face of an old dog, an elderly man eating alone at a restaurant, things that have me smiling through tears. I picture them the way they were and see how they are.


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## wolfy dog

I know the feeling and dreading to decide for them. If I am in doubt, what has helped me is to ask myself if the dog is served with another few days of misery. I always tear up when I read these posts but also love how we all love our dogs so much. I wish you strength in this difficult time. Never second guess yourself.


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## Thecowboysgirl

Ever since I started this thread she had basically been doing pretty darn good by her standards. Nothing like the crisis that took us to the big hospital in September. The beginning of Oct. I was having to give her a lot of enemas and she was suffering. But then I finally struck a balance with all the treatments and no enemas for a month!!

At the beginning of November she began to have a new issue. She would randomly vomit from time to time away from meals and with no trigger that I could identify. She also began sometimes stopping mid meal and acting nauseous and sometimes then vomiting up what she had just eaten. Her vet said to restart sucralfate 3x a day. Things definitely improved. I also began adding warm water to the canned food she eats and mixing it well because I wondered if part of it (the during meal problem) was her swallowing big bites of sticky canned food too fast.

Since making those changes she has been eating without issue and there have been no more random unexplained vomiting. However, when this new thing popped up I also spoke to my friend who works at my vet and asked her if she would be willing to come here and put her down when it is time or if that would be too upsetting for her because she knows me and my dog. She said she would do it. If she is away competing (which she is kind of a lot) then one of the vets will come up and take care of her. The treatment seems to have worked so I feel we are still not there, but I am getting my ducks in a row so when it comes we are ready.

This Sunday she had a bad episode-- could not poop. Bad vomiting (due to constipation this time). I had to give her an enema and all her rescue meds/ fluids but I was successful and she is stable again. I remember the vet at the big hospital saying we should try to avoid sucralfate because it might make her more prone to constipation. We are at the point where she is on so many different meds they are causing problems in how they interact with each other and all her issues. 

But...prior to this episode she was so excited about the snow she went hiking with us, played like a puppy. Unfortunately she also managed to eat some dirt on the hike she demanded to go on...which definitely contributed if not caused this last episode. She had been so good about not doing that lately I had a false sense of security...and then all of a sudden it was eat everything in sight again.

Score

Criterion

H: 0 – 10	HURT – Adequate pain control, including breathing ability, is first and foremost on the scale. Is the pet's pain successfully managed? Is oxygen necessary?

*******I don't think she has significant pain. She is stiff sometimes. She gets weekly laser, & adequan. For her age she is in pretty good orthopedic shape. I feel like her pain and suffering category is pain from constipation, straining to poop, uncontrolled vomiting when that happens, and all the needles I have to jab her with. So I keep a "suffering" scale and log for all of that in comparison to days she is not suffering from that. I think this is the suffering that will likely be what makes me decide it's time.

H: 0 – 10	HUNGER – Is the pet eating enough? Does hand feeding help? Does the patient require a feeding tube?

******** Right now appetite is good. She is maintaining her weight

H: 0 – 10	HYDRATION – Is the patient dehydrated? For patients not drinking enough, use subcutaneous fluids once or twice daily to supplement fluid intake.

*********Still doing fluids. This week daily due to recent episode, will back off as she stabilizes more

H: 0 – 10	HYGIENE – The patient should be brushed and cleaned, particularly after elmination. Avoid pressure sores and keep all wounds clean.

********I wash her rear with soap and water at least once daily, sometimes twice, and wipe her with wet wipes once or twice a day because her hygiene is terrible. But I am keeping her clean


H: 0 – 10	HAPPINESS – Does the pet express joy and interest? Is the pet responsive to things around him or her (family, toys, etc.)? Is the pet depressed, lonely, anxious, bored or afraid? Can the pet's bed be close to the family activities and not be isolated?

********* She still wants to play and wags her tail and is super happy if I take her to do something. When not play time she sleeps pretty much all the time but I think that's normal for her age. She does not respond to family the same as she used to for the most part, even me. I think a lot of the time if I come up to her she is checking to see if I have medicine or needles or whatever. I hate this. But she still likes to lay over and put her paw on my leg and have me rub her belly or give her a little massage. 

M: 0 – 10	MOBILITY – Can the patient get up without assistance? Does the pet need human or mechanical help (e.g. a cart)? Does the pet feel like going for a walk? Is the pet having seizures or stumbling? (Some caregivers feel euthanasia is preferable to amputation, yet an animal who has limited mobility but is still alert and responsive can have a good quality of life as long as caregivers are committed to helping the pet.)

************ Mobility pretty good right now. Wants to go for walks but unfortunately I did see some bad effects from letting her walk over the weekend so now am making her stay home while I walk the boys and then i play with her separately. The bad episode when we went to the big hospital she was unable to get up without help and I'm not sure why but that has gone away now.

M: 0 – 10	MORE GOOD DAYS THAN BAD – When bad days outnumber good days, quality of life might be compromised. When a healthy human-animal bond is no longer possible, the caregiver must be made aware the end is near. The decision needs to be made if the pet is suffering. If death comes peacefully and painlessly, that is okay.

***********Definitely still more good than bad right now. Basically the whole past month has been pretty good and very low suffering for her until this past weekend.


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## Saco

I hope she has at least a few more happy months to go. I am sorry you are facing this. Tough situation, but it does sound like she is still happy and interested in life. Hugs.


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## Thecowboysgirl

Saco said:


> I hope she has at least a few more happy months to go. I am sorry you are facing this. Tough situation, but it does sound like she is still happy and interested in life. Hugs.


thanks


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## GSDchoice

The questionnaire is really helpful...I know I will need help with being objective and not making decisions based on pure emotions, when the time comes...

I'm glad she is still having more good days than bad!


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## dogma13

Sending kind thoughts for you and your beautiful girl.


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## Fodder

Thanks for posting the questionnaire, I’m in a similar position with my old guy and found it very helpful!

Your girl looks fantastic! Is she a trimmed long coat by chance?


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## Thecowboysgirl

Fodder said:


> Thanks for posting the questionnaire, I’m in a similar position with my old guy and found it very helpful!
> 
> Your girl looks fantastic! Is she a trimmed long coat by chance?


No, just a stock coat. If she looks a bit weird around the ears it's because she's had a chronic ear problem in one and I've put so much stuff in it that the hair around the outside is clumpy with medicine or missing because I snipped out mats.

One other thing I didn't mention. I had been giving her adequan shots myself and sometimes she would squeak when I jabbed her. I still am not sure what I was doing wrong but I now bring it to her weekly laser appt and have the vet do it and she does not squeak.

Once I made her make a noise when putting the fluid needle in and then I kind of lost my nerve and was too hesitant and I realized with that I've got to jab fast. I've been successful this week in jabbing fast enough that she doesn't have much response to it


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## Thecowboysgirl

I don't think I have digital copies of these anywhere. But two of my favorite pictures of her from the prime of her life. The flowers are what I wore in my wedding


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## Thecowboysgirl

Fodder said:


> Thanks for posting the questionnaire, I’m in a similar position with my old guy and found it very helpful!
> 
> Your girl looks fantastic! Is she a trimmed long coat by chance?


 i found the questionnaire in a sticky in this section of the forum if you want a blank one for yourself


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## Aly

Beautiful girl, she's a testament to your care and devotion. So sorry you're facing this.

ETA. Thanks for starting this thread. I'm sure it's been tough, but I believe it has and will be unimaginably helpful to others.


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## Thecowboysgirl

Aly said:


> Beautiful girl, she's a testament to your care and devotion. So sorry you're facing this.
> 
> ETA. Thanks for starting this thread. I'm sure it's been tough, but I believe it has and will be unimaginably helpful to others.


I hope so. It's helpful to me to kind of put it all in one place to try and figure it out

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do--not necessarily her as opposed to any of the others although some of the others were very fast and clear cut that it was over. The only other time I've had a really drawn out one like this was my horse. All I want is to do the right thing for HER. My husband and I talked about her at length again yesterday--- and I said again she has so much joy and enthusiasm for her life during the day and then other times she seems so old and frail. 

And I don't want to wait until all her joy is gone. I think I know her deeply enough as a working dog, that she does not want to linger when she has lost everything. So I am watching very closely so I can spare her that. Right now I feel she is pretty content. Tomorrow she has laser and we are meeting my husband for lunch and i plan to take her for a sidewalk stroll. 

My husband still feels sure that it isn't time and besides me, he is the only one who sees her every day and has known her most of her life.

I feel as much as peace with it as I will ever be- I will be devastated when she goes but I definitely know I've done everything a person could do for her . She has had a full, long, happy life. We've done a total role reversal. Where once I depended on her and could not get through the day without her (she is a retired service dog), now she totally depends on me. Throughout her entire working career I was so grateful to her and did everything I could to give her the best life a dog could have. I think she sees that my lab is stepping up and doing the job and I think it gives her peace to know he is doing it. Maybe I'm reading into it but she took her job so seriously and I honestly believe she's only able to rest on her laurels now because she knows she's passed the torch. Before this I felt she was still wanting to work for me and I think now she is content not to. I'm so glad that now that she really needs me I can be there for her. 

Now, she is just naughty-- she begs shamelessly, doesn't really follow any rules, and I'm happy for her. She had to work very hard and conduct herself in an exceptionally professional way most of her life and I'm glad she has had some time to just be a dog and beg and try to sneak behind me to lick the dishes in the dishwasher. She even pulled a bait bag down off a hook in the mud room and ransacked it-- she's never stolen anything in her life before that. 

I'm enormously grateful that my life is such that don't have to be away from her for long periods during the day, and if she wants to she can come with me to the kennel. And when I have to be away from her I can leave her in an in-and-out run so she has a toilet if she needs it before I get back. She and I were both eating out of a food pantry 12 years ago. Now I've turned things around to the point that I am managing to pay her huge vet bills . 

After she retired as a service dog she did rally and dock diving for fun for a few years and we had a blast together doing that stuff. She even made it into the top ten national in veterans. I consider these days a gift that I can still hug her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and try to do fun things every day.


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## Hatch

The love that you have for your dog is an inspiration to us all.


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## Aly

Thecowboysgirl said:


> Now, she is just naughty-- she begs shamelessly, doesn't really follow any rules, and I'm happy for her. She had to work very hard and conduct herself in an exceptionally professional way most of her life and I'm glad she has had some time to just be a dog and beg and try to sneak behind me to lick the dishes in the dishwasher. She even pulled a bait bag down off a hook in the mud room and ransacked it-- she's never stolen anything in her life before that.


I have a different take on this. I don't think she's being naughty, I believe that _she's celebrating her life with and love for you_. I also believe that animals, especially those with whom we've tightly bonded, know and accept things about which we may only have the dimmest understanding. So, she's creating happy memories for both you before she has to leave. It's one of her many gifts to you. Cherish it, if you can. 

You're both very lucky to have what you had AND have...


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## Thecowboysgirl

She has not had a good week. I requested the senior vet at her clinic do her laser yesterday so I could talk to him about her because I feel like it's almost over. His position was basically that he would support me whether I wanted to keep trying or to just put her down.

In talking with some other people AND her...hope you don't think I'm nuts...I've come to understand that this dog would endure anything to remain at my side and she will never say when. Until her body completely shuts down. And I don't want her to go through that. I have come to believe it is up to me to tell her enough is enough, and it is up to me tell her she doesn't have to do this anymore.

She isn't cooperating with her fluids anymore, which I have to do every single day now because of a new medication she had to start which she should not be taking in conjunction with one of the others but the vet said as long as I keep her super hydrated she can have them together. We are getting it done anyway but her cooperation was part of my decision to keep going.

This morning she got in bed with me and let me hug her for a whole hour which is unheard of. She usually has a ten minute max. 

She still gets excited to play with me during the day. She still wants to go for walks but she can't handle the trails anymore so most of the time she has to stay behind which is sad. Yesterday I took her for a side walk walk in town before her treatment. I plan to take her to town again today to walk around some more because she enjoys that.

Night before last she spent hours frantically asking to go out and frantically trying to poop and being unable to pass anything and this is on more than the max dose of her meds that they told me I could give her and she's already had an enema this week. Despite the fact that she still has joy and desire for some things, her bowels just aren't working.

I'm not totally sure how imminently this will happen. I sort of think it might be best to plan it, so I can have her preferred person come to the house and do it. And so I can try to live it up with her before hand.

It's really hard to say I think I need to put down a dog who still wants to play ball, but I do not think she should suffer being unable to pass her stool like this and I just can't get her stable no matter what I do with her meds. It seems to be a cycle. She may even out and have an uneventful week or two.

The last thing I want is to deny her any days worth living. But no one loves her more than me and no one wants her here more than me and if I am the one thinking it's probably nearly time, then it probably really is.


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## Shane'sDad

" The last thing I want is to deny her any days worth living. But no one loves her more than me and no one wants her here more than me and if I am the one thinking it's probably nearly time, then it probably really is. "

The above line of your most recent post really says it all.....I've said for years when asked....How did you know when it was time ?......my answer is..."They've always told me....always".....You'll know when it's time because nobody is as in touch with her or loves her like you.....


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## Aly

I agree with Shane's Dad. Your last line says it all. 

My heart is breaking for both of you.


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## Thecowboysgirl

I did make time to take her to town today for a short walk. I made sure she got to put her chin on the truck windowsill like she likes to look out the window. She had fun. Today she can poop. I have a suspicion that we may be through the bad part of the cycle and now she's going to be okay for a little bit. So perhaps the thing to do is let her enjoy this okay time and then plan to let her go next time it gets worse.

I sat down yesterday and I looked back over her log of suffering vs. not suffering. She still definitely has more good days than bad. But what I also could see was that her medication is constantly increasing--- I can't keep her pooping with the same dose I could even a week ago. 

We were waiting for an appointment with a specialist for her ear---but I think I am going to take her off that list. I don't think it's worth putting her through another procedure now. The ear is a problem but it doesn't really bother her day to day. I don't want to hospitalize her for the ear. I just don't think it's worth it.

Am I a horrible person for thinking I'm not sure my husband can handle it if we lose her at Christmas time, and maybe I should try to coast past that?


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## dogma13

Whatever is best for your girl will be the best for you both emotionally I think.


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## Koda'sMom

I would say that if you can get her through Christmas without causing her or yourself any additional suffering then you could always plan to give her the best possible Christmas and then let her go out with dignity on a high note of love and joy.


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## markhenley

If a dog can get up, go outside, eat and take pain meds, I keep them to the end. If they can't walk, can't go out or the pain meds are not working, then what life is it? I'd start looking at reputable breeders for a puppy if it were me. But that's me. You can never replace a dog, but you can give another dog a great life and that's about the best trade you can make.


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## Dunkirk

I suggest you think about celebrating Christmas early, on a day that's best for your girl and your family, it doesn't have to be the 25th. ,.


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## Jenny720

There is a knowing when it’s time . It is a one day at a time living. Everyones Situation is different. All my animals have big appetites and if they do not want to eat that tells me a lot About their comfort level.When only bad days are being experienced and there is nothing to make the dog comfortable And not in pain are factors that make My decision. I knew a vet who she had to carry her old dog out to go bathroom to do her business. The dog slept in her office, had a huge appetite and her same huge spirit - the dog was happy. My last German Shepherd I had my vet on call on Christmas Day he told us he would come to that house if there were issue if Karat was suffering. I was incredibly grateful of this and Karat’s last Christmas it was the warmest of days and he was so happy to spend it with us he was full of spunk. He moved around quite a lot and ate his favorite meal - pot roast.A few days after Christmas we had to have the vet come to the house and put him down as his condition worsened- not eating , vomiting and in pain. If you can find a vet who comes to the house and be willing to come on a Christmas Day if your girl is having issues it may bring some peace of mind. If you decide to have a early Christmas and see what each day brings that is good plan to.


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## Muskeg

The most painful decision I had to make was to euthanize my old guy at the end because he wanted to keep going for me. He loved me that much. It's the worst because they really won't tell you when... they love you too much to want to leave. This stinks, and I'm so sorry you are facing this decision. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to keep her going past Christmas. Because I trust 100% that you will do what is best for her- you love her that much, and if it's any consolation, I truly believe these dogs have souls- you can see it in their eyes and even "hear" it when you sit and listen and connect with them - and somehow, somewhere, you will meet again. Hugs, so sorry you are facing this now.


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## Sunsilver

With my male shepherd, he had a good appetite right up until the end, but his rear end was shot. He was also 14 years old.

In his final days, I'd come home from work, having been gone for 8 or 9 hours, and find him lying on the floor, unable to get up. He lost bowel control as his rear end deteriorated, so often he`d be lying in his own feces.

If I`d been independently wealthy, I likely could have bought a doggie wheelchair, stayed home to keep a close eye on him in case he got stuck somewhere, and kept him going a little longer.

Unfortunately, I was struggling to make ends meet, and didn't have neighbours or close family I could ask to keep an eye on him.

I still feel guilty about giving him that final release. It is a tough, tough decision to make. I have to remind myself that if I hadn't done it when I did, it would have been just a few days, weeks, or maybe a month or two down the road anyway.


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## Thecowboysgirl

I did make time to take her to town today for a short walk. I made sure she got to put her chin on the truck windowsill like she likes to look out the window. She had fun. Today she can poop. I have a suspicion that we may be through the bad part of the cycle and now she's going to be okay for a little bit. So perhaps the thing to do is let her enjoy this okay time and then plan to let her go next time it gets worse.

I sat down yesterday and I looked back over her log of suffering vs. not suffering. She still definitely has more good days than bad. But what I also could see was that her medication is constantly increasing--- I can't keep her pooping with the same dose I could even a week ago. 

We were waiting for an appointment with a specialist for her ear---but I think I am going to take her off that list. I don't think it's worth putting her through another procedure now. The ear is a problem but it doesn't really bother her day to day. I don't want to hospitalize her for the ear. I just don't think it's worth it.

Am I a horrible person for thinking I'm not sure my husband can handle it if we lose her at Christmas time, and maybe I should try to coast past that?


Muskeg said:


> The most painful decision I had to make was to euthanize my old guy at the end because he wanted to keep going for me. He loved me that much. It's the worst because they really won't tell you when... they love you too much to want to leave. This stinks, and I'm so sorry you are facing this decision. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to keep her going past Christmas. Because I trust 100% that you will do what is best for her- you love her that much, and if it's any consolation, I truly believe these dogs have souls- you can see it in their eyes and even "hear" it when you sit and listen and connect with them - and somehow, somewhere, you will meet again. Hugs, so sorry you are facing this now.


That is exactly my dilemma, I do believe she wants to stay with me...but should I let her. _I_ want her to stay. But I will not let her suffer for me.

Right now today I don't feel conflicted, yesterday and today so far are good days for her where it isn't a close call. 

Thanks so much everybody for talking to me about this. It's so hard. 

All the pieces are in place. her preferred person who has offered to come here and do it is away competing this weekend so I haven't had any final conversation with her. My dog is okay this weekend so no need to bother my friend about it while she's competing. I'll talk to her when she is home. I'll find out what her schedule is like for the next month and see how things seem. All the other pieces are in place. The clinic knows we are at this point. Her treating vets know. 

Yesterday my girl was so happy and loving. It was really unusual. and I said to my husband, why is she acting like this. He said, she just feels good today--she managed to poop all her poop out and she is feeling terrific. And it also put it into perspective for me how crummy she feels most of the time that I have apparently just gotten used to it and it doesn't stand out to me anymore. 

So. I know what has to happen but there is no need to do it today. but like I said, I will not let her suffer for me. It is the last thing I can do for her. 

Thanks so much everybody


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## readaboutdogs

It is so difficult deciding what to do. With my dogs I've never really seen where they were ready other than physical difficulties. Cody and Clipper were all there mind wise. A long time ago I posted about how with Clipper I noticed a "handing over of the reins", like he looked to me more for taking care of things, your note of her being so loving reminded me of that.
On Mother's Day the year Clipper went to the bridge I was pretty sure he wouldn't make it to the holidays so I fixed Christmas dinner, turkey, gave him the presents I'd already gotten, he ripped open his presents chewed on them, ate turkey! I always thought they enjoyed the smells of holiday cooking! It was a great day! Clipper died a month later, but that day he was still doing pretty good! The good days and not so good. With both my boys it seemed like everything went downhill very quickly and you knew for sure. Clipper was within a week, he was up walking around one day, seemed tired, then within a couple days couldn't get up without support, and I made the call. Maybe some would think that too late, but he loved his food and that spirit in his eyes was still there till the end. I was so glad we'd had our little early Christmas with him, maybe another human thing but just wanted to do it for him. I wish I'd done that with Cody, with Cody sometimes I feel like I made the call too soon, but then sometimes I don't think that. It was and is an incredibly hard thing to do. My heart goes out to you.


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## Jenny720

It is important to know when they are suffering dogs are very honest and simple beings. They will let you know when they are happy and comfortable and when they are not. So glad she is having good days she is letting you know she is doing well. One day at a time. It is frustrating, emotionally draining , the last chapter Is unknown but it’s important you know your decision will be the best for her when the time comes.


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## bellamia

Thecowboysgirl said:


> She is a month shy of 13. Sometimes, she seems so full of life. She plays with me, she sometimes still goes for walks.
> 
> BUT. So much has gone wrong. she had really bad vestibular this summer and has never been the same since. She was having progressive constipation that has gotten much, much worse. I have to give her fluids every day. Basically our day is like this-- 1 hour in the morning it takes to do fluids, mix her meds, administer all meds, take her to poop probably twice and then wash her because her hygiene is terrible (she gets poop all over her rear)
> 
> She's on a ton of meds for bowel stimulation and laxatives. Since the last crisis she hasn't made it more than a week without an enema as a rescue because she still will become unable to poop despite everything else I am doing. She's been to the big hospital and seen internal medicine for this. They say if it can't be controlled with all the meds she is on then they want to consider a bowel resection surgery or removing all/part of her colon.
> 
> there appears to be a part of her intestines that just functions poorly and cannot move things along. They can't say 100% sure why. Mostly think neuropathy. There is no blockage, she has had a recent abdominal ultrasound to look for that.. Internal medicine did suggest a possible neurology consult but that means another state altogether and frankly I'm totally bankrupted by all this, I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on her in the past few months. There is no price I won't pay but I also realize there will come a point when there is nothing more that can be done. And I sort of doubt that anything can really be done to truly fix this at her age.
> 
> Today I told her vet...i fear we have a quality of life issue. I feel like I spend more time with her poking and prodding her and pilling her and sticking needles in her than having any enjoyment and she is OVER it. He said yes...that is the age old dilemma.... I said, I feel I have choice and he said you don't, if you were not doing everything you are doing she would die. Which confirmed what I thought...lesser care than what I have done recently and she would already be gone.
> 
> She played ball with me today (in her old lady way). She wagged her tail. I took her to the tracking field. She doesn't get it at all but she snuffled for food in the grass and I think she enjoyed herself.
> 
> Awhile ago she became so constipated that she vomited so violently as a result that she aspirated and got pneumonia and it was a close call. Then I learned how to give her enemas and I have a much of rescue meds and enemas on hand so I can head that off at the pass when it gets that bad.
> 
> I know the end is near. I don't know how to figure it out. I do not want her to suffer or lose all her dignity. I know she has suffered already but then I ask her if she wants to play and she comes alive and gets so happy. She can seem so full of life still i can't imagine putting her down.
> 
> She is such a good girl. She still goes to her bed in the kitchen and lays down so i can jab a huge needle in her and run her fluids twice a day. She is too good for this. But also I can only even do it because she is so good.
> 
> Neither of my local vets feel I should consider the surgery which is my inclination too. She is too old. Risks way too great.
> 
> I guess I don't know how to weigh doing all this stuff to her to keep her going every day vs. how much enjoyment she gets out of every day. It is just so hard to figure out.


❤❤ . I went through something similar although way less serious than yours, with my bella, have no words of wisdom for you but wanted to reach out & let you know that - i feel & i know.❤


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## Thecowboysgirl

bellamia said:


> ❤❤ . I went through something similar although way less serious than yours, with my bella, have no words of wisdom for you but wanted to reach out & let you know that - i feel & i know.❤


Thanks everyone who took the time to read and respond to this thread.

We maxed out the meds that kept her functioning. As I saw the end of that nearing we made an appointment. 

I got oral sedatives from the vet, we sedated her and my husband and I laid in bed with her. She fell asleep in our arms.

The vet came to the house. She did not wake up when he arrived. He gave her injectible sedative without her stirring. She died very peacefully in her home surrounded by people who loved her.

Afterward I was able to drive her directly to the place to have her cremated. I waited there until it was over and brought her remains back home that day.

My vet said it was the most peaceful end of life he had ever been present for.

This all happened right before the virus really took off. I am so grateful that she was able to leave peacefully before Covid made everything go nuts.

In the beginning I was so torn between just being gutted and also being relieved it was over because her condition was really tough. Every day I had to do more unpleasant things to her than the last, just to keep her alive.

She was too much of a lady to be rude about it. But I could tell she was miserable. She loved me so much, she would have submitted to anything I said I had to do to her forever. The last act of love I had to offer her was to end it so she no longer had to go through it all. She never would say enough, so I had to do it for her.

She was a hero, and will never be forgotten.


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## wolfy dog

I am glad she is safe and sad that you have to miss her. My last dogs died this way. Giving the sedative was tough because there was no turning back anymore. I didn't want them to see the vet in their last minutes. They have died peacefully in the presence of me and the other dogs. Heal well. Sigh....


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## Muskeg

I'm sorry, it's so hard to say goodbye. It sounds like the end of life we'd all hope for, peaceful, at home, and surrounded by love. Hugs.


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## MineAreWorkingline

So very sorry for your loss. May she RIP.


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## Sabis mom

I'm so sorry, glad you got to be with her though. Peace to you.


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## Thecowboysgirl

wolfy dog said:


> I am glad she is safe and sad that you have to miss her. My last dogs died this way. Giving the sedative was tough because there was no turning back anymore. I didn't want them to see the vet in their last minutes. They have died peacefully in the presence of me and the other dogs. Heal well. Sigh....


I felt like she understood. Maybe it is nonsense. But she had longsince refused to willingly swallow one more pill. I had been having to forcefully pill her for months. 

That morning she ate the sedatives with no complaint at all. I was SO grateful that I didn't have to jam my fibgers down her throat on her last morning. 

It really was like she knew, and she agreed to take this one last dose.

I had stopped mostly all her treatments the afternoon prior...I knew about how long until she would crash and wanted her to just have some peaceful hours. And she had them.


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## GatorBytes

I am so sorry. I really admire the lengths you went to to give her more time. I know that feeling where they just seem to know and let you know they are alright with it. I think it makes a huge difference having the vet come to your house for both. I am sorry for your loss, but happy the decision came at a time before the world went to poop. How horrible it would be not to be with your dog...I don't think someone (anyone) would feel like they had proper closure if they weren't with their pet - I know I wouldn't.
RIP beautiful doggie


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## car2ner

oh my. the best thing to do but a terrible time to have to do it. Not that there is ever truly a good time. I hope you enjoy the happy memories through the tears.


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## readaboutdogs

I am so sorry for your loss of your girl. I'm glad you both were able to have some time to relax with each other. Rest in peace little lady. Peace to you.


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## Thecowboysgirl

GatorBytes said:


> I am so sorry. I really admire the lengths you went to to give her more time. I know that feeling where they just seem to know and let you know they are alright with it. I think it makes a huge difference having the vet come to your house for both. I am sorry for your loss, but happy the decision came at a time before the world went to poop. How horrible it would be not to be with your dog...I don't think someone (anyone) would feel like they had proper closure if they weren't with their pet - I know I wouldn't.
> RIP beautiful doggie


I am so grateful that we just barely missed the COVID shut down. I don't know how my vet is doing euthanasia right now, but they are not allowing owners into the clinic with their dogs for regular appointments. They don't even really officially do home euthanasias, they kind of just did it as a favor to me, and I'm sure they wouldn't have been able to do it during the current situation.

And I know this is my own baggage or whatever but I just had this preoccupation with not being separated from her once she had passed. I just felt I couldn't let them take her and put her in the freezer. I've put down other dogs and let them be handled the ordinary way... but this was my service dog and she and I had almost never been apart in thirteen years and I just got really hung up on this. So, it was really important to me to bring her to the place myself. The people there were so nice and caring and I just felt I needed to see that she was handled with respect- and she was. I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to do that during COVID either.

So I am really so very grateful that she wasn't effected by all the craziness. If her medication supply had been interrupted due to the shut downs, she would have had an emergency euthanasia which would have been really bad for her. When I scheduled it, I had an intense feeling like something really awful was about to happen-- and I had to let her go before it happened. I thought it was an internal thing with her-- I thought she was going to have an awful crisis and die suffering. The crisis may have been the virus but either way it would have been bad for her and my one comfort is that she went with as much peace and dignity as any of us can ever hope to have.

My mother in law died during the peak of the shut down (not of COVID, she just died of old age in her sleep. She was 94). They could not have a funeral. The funeral home pulled over and a priest came out and read her last rites on the side of the road, and my husband could not even go to her state because of travel restrictions and quarantines. We can only have a virtual memorial service over zoom. My husband is really struggling with not having proper closure or being able to mourn with his family the way we ordinarily would.

These are really tough times for sure. God I miss my girl but at least she is not suffering anymore.


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## wolfy dog

It is weird and sometimes embarrassing that grieving my dogs lasts much longer than extended family members who I have loved too. The other night I had a dream about my first dog that I got about 43 years ago. I still felt sad after waking up. It never really goes away for me.


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## Thecowboysgirl

wolfy dog said:


> It is weird and sometimes embarrassing that grieving my dogs lasts much longer than extended family members who I have loved too. The other night I had a dream about my first dog that I got about 43 years ago. I still felt sad after waking up. It never really goes away for me.


I am the same... I sometimes feel there must be something wrong with me.


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## drparker151

I think grieving goes by the bond. We have a better bond and spend many more hours with our dogs. I know with myself my dogs have helped me deal with many issues and listened to all my complaints and still provided unconditional support and love. Losing a dog more like losing a child than having and extend family member pass. Plus there are very few humans I meet that I like more than I like most dogs


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## Sabis mom

Thecowboysgirl said:


> I am the same... I sometimes feel there must be something wrong with me.


Our dogs are closer to us sometimes then any human. 
Sabi was by my side through a battle with cancer, an abusive relationship, a vicious assault, the loss of a child. A human is simply incapable of providing the same unwavering, unflinching support and still loving. 
They know everything. They see everything. They see us through the best and the worst. They don't care if we eat tuna and onions for lunch. They see beauty when we have ripped our dress, broken a heel and smudged the lipstick. They adore us when we flunk exams, crash the truck and blow the diet.
They are furry diaries into which we pour our fears, failures, hopes and dreams.


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## car2ner

I use Google photos and they just posted a Remember the day from 7 years ago. One of the photos was me with my dog Bailey shortly before she passed away. sigh


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## Sabis mom

car2ner said:


> I use Google photos and they just posted a Remember the day from 7 years ago. One of the photos was me with my dog Bailey shortly before she passed away. sigh


I have that problem as well. And every year my calendar sends me a reminder for Sabs birthday.


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## ksotto333

I haven't been on much lately and just saw this. My heart aches for you.


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## tc68

I haven't been on much lately...so I missed a lot. I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Thecowboysgirl

I have so many pictures and videos of her. I believe she died right at the end of Feb. I still can't watch any of the happy videos I have of her yet. 

I get the google photo "remember this day" or whatever but I don't click on it because I know it will all be her and I just can't look at them yet.


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## dogfaeries

It’ll take some time before you can watch the videos, or look at the photos. I know I couldn’t look at any photos of Carly until recently. I just didn’t want to look in her eyes. It hurt. When I lost Sage, I still slept in my family room for at least a month. That’s where she and I slept while she was ill. After she was gone, I didn’t want to let go of her, so staying in that room felt better. 

None of this makes a bit of sense to someone who hasn’t had an intense bond with a dog. A photo of Sage is still the lock screen on my iPhone. She’ll have been gone 5 years next month. That boggles my mind. Carly’s ashes are on my dresser. Her collar and lead is still hanging on the leash rack.

I am so so sorry for your loss.


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## Thecowboysgirl

dogfaeries said:


> It’ll take some time before you can watch the videos, or look at the photos. I know I couldn’t look at any photos of Carly until recently. I just didn’t want to look in her eyes. It hurt. When I lost Sage, I still slept in my family room for at least a month. That’s where she and I slept while she was ill. After she was gone, I didn’t want to let go of her, so staying in that room felt better.
> 
> None of this makes a bit of sense to someone who hasn’t had an intense bond with a dog. A photo of Sage is still the lock screen on my iPhone. She’ll have been gone 5 years next month. That boggles my mind. Carly’s ashes are on my dresser. Her collar and lead is still hanging on the leash rack.
> 
> I am so so sorry for your loss.


Thanks...it helps to hear from people who get it. I really haven't talked about her at all...she just died and I soldiered on. I would always leave the big flood light on overnight for her at the kennel so she could see to go out into her run to potty. She was half blind. The last thing I did every night was tuck her in and make sure the light was on for her. After she died I just could not turn that **** light off. I had to leave the light on for her, even though she was gone. My husband was like- you've got to stop leaving that expensive light on!

I finally bought some solar lights and put them in the memorial garden by the kennel so I can think of her and there is some light on for her.

For the first time I asked them to not give me the paw print and the hair clipping and everything they usually do at the cremation. Including my fospice dog I was accumulating kind of a lot of that stuff and frankly it somehow seemed kind of cheap compared to her. And, I don't want to remember her by the day she died. Someday I'll look at our happy videos and I have walls full of ribbons she won and pictures of her smiling with me winning them.


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## LuvShepherds

wolfy dog said:


> It is weird and sometimes embarrassing that grieving my dogs lasts much longer than extended family members who I have loved too. The other night I had a dream about my first dog that I got about 43 years ago. I still felt sad after waking up. It never really goes away for me.


Our dogs are our family.


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## tc68

I was fortunate (or unfortunate depending on how you view it) to have a couple months with mine after the diagnosis. From the moment he was diagnosed to the day he was put to sleep (2 months) I was already in the grieving process. Cried multiple times a day for 2 months straight. I was lucky if I got 3 hours of sleep a night. Watched him deteriorate before my eyes. A week after he was gone, I picked up his urn/ashes...that day was the very last day I cried for him. I donated most of his things: toys, medications, food, treats, etc. to the local GSD rescue and that was like a closure for me. Within a week or 2 of that I already started looking for potential GSD breeders.

Every time I read a post like this...I get tears in my eyes. I know y'all are strangers to me even you "regulars," but I love this breed; I love the stories that y'all tell; and most importantly, it makes me think about my bud.


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## Drew’s GSDs

I'm new here and maybe I have no clout in commenting on this and if so ignore me. 

So sorry for you loss, was painful reading everything but as I always tell my wife. If we have a pet whether it's a frickin dog, gold fish, ferret, GSD or whatever - we will give it the best life it can live and I'm 100% certain you accomplished that. You gave her the best life she could have. Celebrate that.


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