# Trying not to strangle my mom's bf...



## AkariKuragi (Dec 19, 2011)

So my mom's bf came over today to watch the basketball game. He looooves Cinder because he had German shepherds when he was young. This makes him think he knows everything about German shepherds and that he is the master of them. Every time I make a comment about it he is very condescending (in an unintentional way) and tells me not to worry about it because he knows dogs and all animals love him. Last night when he met her for the first time she was exhibiting some of signs of what (I think) was submissive fear. Her ears were pinned back, her tail tucked between her legs, lower body stance, and avoidance (when he first came in she hid under the kitchen table). Of course he didn't see any of this and immediately crowded her and leaned over her, jostling her and speaking in a very loud, excited voice. I was actually worried she'd start to submissively pee. After he had moved on she was actually shaking. Not a lot, but it was noticeable. Later when he came back I commented on how she's scared of him and he said "No, don't worry, she's made peace with me." Even though she was still displaying fearful behavior and trying to avoid him. 

So today he comes in and she sits nicely for him to pet her. Instead of simply petting her he gets down on his knees and of course she immediately got excited and tried to lick his face and exit her sit (because we haven't taught her to stay in a sit when someone is on their knees), and he immediately goes "Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit" even though she was doing a pretty dang good job of sitting already once he corrected her. Later, when I was cooking I heard him try and get her to sit again (I just taught her this command two days ago and she /just/ started doing it for me without food on occasion, but she has not really mastered it yet) and I hear "sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit" and I swear each time he repeated it it killed me a little on the inside. I told him she doesn't fully know what that word meant yet and he said to me "Give me a day and I'll have her sitting," which insulted me because it's not like I'm completely incompetent in training. We JUST got her on Wednesday. She's not going to know all of her commands right off the bat.

Nails on a chalk board do not do anything to me, but I swear I have found the equivalent to it, and then some:

"Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit"
"Cinder, Cinder, Cinder, Cinder, Cinder"
"Come, come, come, come, come, come" (I JUST started on her with this and stay today. I have probably worked her twice with this command and she still has a very lose grasp on what it means)
"Stay, stay, Cinder, stay, stay, stay."

On top of that my sister has a friend who works at PetSmart and she's been telling me things about her... The first one was to enroll her in one of their dog training classes because that way I can have "professional" help. 

1. I know what I'm doing. I've trained dogs in basic obedience before. I know how to use positive reinforcement and what you should and should not do. ****, I've even trained my cat! I do not need to go to a class.

2. I do not know how she is with other dogs. She is not a little puppy. She is a 60 lbs German shepherd with a high prey drive. I do not think taking her into an environment with lots of little dogs around would be a very good idea until I know how she is with other dogs.

3. If I were to take her to a training class, it would not be with PetSmart. I would go to the place I was looking into taking my own puppy when I get one. 

Then she starts telling me about a dog that a guy brought it and he said it was a husky/GSD mix. Her friend started going around asking her other friends if they thought it was a wolf hybrid. She then came to the conclusion that this was, in fact, a wolf hybrid because: 

1. It was big and had hug paws!

2. It paced its kennel back and forth.

3. It picked up a bull dog by the neck and shook it back and forth.

Now, this sounds like it could very well be a husky/GSD mix, because those are not wolf-only behaviors. So I say this, and of course my sister gets snarky with me (she's 16). She says that her friend has vastly more dog experience than I do and that husky/GSD mixes do not look anything like a wolf hybrid.

I know that most GSD/husky mixes do not look like wolf hybrids, or more accurately what most people think "wolf hybrids" look like. However, I have seen some that look like peoples' idea of "wolves." ****, I've seen purebred GSDs that look like "wolves." I cannot tell you the amount of "they asked if he/she was part wolf" comments I've read people talk about on here about their dogs. 

I'm not saying that it absolutely wasn't a wolf hybrid, but I also don't think that it absolutely was based on the reasons given. :/ 

GSDs and huskies can be BIG dogs. They have BIG paws. 

Huskies and GSDs need lots on exercise and can be prone to anxiety and boredom which can equal kennel pacing.

GSDs and huskies have high prey drives. This means that they will go after small animals, including small dogs, because they think they are prey. It is in their genes and it is not a conscious thought. My sister on several occasions has said "she's like a cat" in regards to Cinder because she will attack things that move similar to the way cats will attack things that move. 

But no, it was absolutely a wolf hybrid because her friend said so. And just so everyone knows, working at PetSmart makes you a dog expert. And apparently a wolf hybrid expert. 

Oh yeah, and this friend has been working there for less then a year and had no professional dog experience prior.

/end rant


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## PaddyD (Jul 22, 2010)

Where do I begin?


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## AkariKuragi (Dec 19, 2011)

PaddyD said:


> Where do I begin?


Somewhere along the lines of people should not try to "train" other people's dogs? >< 

He's been trying to teach her "stay" when he goes into a room that she's not allowed in, one of which is my mom's room where my cat is. He does this by HOLDING ONTO HER COLLAR and trying to pull it away from him while backing up into the room. Of course this allows her enough time to see the cat laying on the bed which makes her more interested in entering the room. -_- If he lets her into the room because he fails he attempt to "teach" her how to stay I will be beyond pissed off. 

I can't say anything because he's my mom's bf and acts like a 5 year old. I'm just grateful that he doesn't come over very often. -_-


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## Narny (Sep 8, 2010)

I hate people like that... both stories... My advice, not that you asked and please ignore if it annoys, put your gsd in her kennel until your moms bf leaves next time...

As far as the 16 year old sister... we were all 16 one time or another and IDK about you but I know I knew everything at 16 lol.


It sounds very annoying, sorry people can suck sometimes.


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## SophieGSD (Feb 6, 2012)

My husband is like this sometimes. (Do I HAVE to love him? Hahaha..) Starts talking about how Sophie "isn't trained at all" and, even at a year old, "shouldn't act like a puppy anymore."

But then he tells me he refuses to pay a professional to train her, because he "could have her doing ALL basic commands flawlessly in a day." Yeah okay. Go right ahead bro.

Best bet: Don't let him touch or "train" the dog anymore, keep her crated, and just let him think what he thinks. As for your sister? Haha. If you're the oldest, flex that muscle! (Just kidding. Haha I was an only child. No idea how sibling rivalry works. =P Sorry!)

EDIT: I meant keep her crated while the boyfriend is there. XP


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## Kaity (Nov 18, 2009)

Sigh. Sounds like how my dad was and still is with Vida. For the love of Dog, the poor thing is trained in french. Honestly, I did it in hopes to have a better bond with her and because I didn't want others to do what your moms boyfriend does with the constant command thing. 

People are dumb, it's just.. it's irritating to say the least. It might be beneficial for you to train in another language as well. You could teach the dog 'pancake' and get her to sit for all anybody cares.. she's YOUR dog and if you don't like somebody behavior towards her, you need to make it apparent. Yes you'll get yelled at, shunned, get dirty looks, and whatever else but all that matters is you and the dog. Instead of crating her, try taking her for a walk while he's there. I never command somebody elses dog unless it's "off" really, theres no need to!


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## AkariKuragi (Dec 19, 2011)

Yeah. Next time he comes over she'll be crated for as long as I can stand to crate her. Sometimes he's here for a long time. :/ Luckily, though, they usually go over to his house. 

My mom, bless her, seems to have picked up on my frustration with him because she was telling him how I usually have her sit (use a hand signal as well as a single command). And he gets all "Well that's not how I did it when I was growing up, but whatever." 

I just sat here thinking "She minds me pretty well for an obviously faulty way of teaching her." 

Later on my mom really impressed me by asking me to show her how to get Cinder to sit. : ) She even put her in a down (her latest trick). She was a little late on the reward, but I was really happy she was trying.

And I would teach her in another language but she's a foster dog, so I'm trying to make her as adoptable as I can. I might make her bilingual just for the heck of it though. XD

Another thing that irks me is that people assume she'll act like a regular dog, like a happy go lucky lab, but she is very, very aloof around new people. She still hasn't 100% warmed up to me, and it's something I've had to really adjust to. I'm used to working with dogs that were 100% instantly focused on people, and Cinder is very... Different. She is nice and sweet and submissive, but she will not play with you or get excited just because you talk in a happy/excited voice, which is what her boyfriend was expecting.

But alas, he has gone home. :3 I can relax and spend time with my puppy. <3 And continue on with my broken way of training. ;3


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## Chance&Reno (Feb 21, 2012)

AkariKuragi said:


> So my mom's bf came over today to watch the basketball game. He looooves Cinder because he had German shepherds when he was young. This makes him think he knows everything about German shepherds and that he is the master of them. Every time I make a comment about it he is very condescending (in an unintentional way) and tells me not to worry about it because he knows dogs and all animals love him. Last night when he met her for the first time she was exhibiting some of signs of what (I think) was submissive fear. Her ears were pinned back, her tail tucked between her legs, lower body stance, and avoidance (when he first came in she hid under the kitchen table). Of course he didn't see any of this and immediately crowded her and leaned over her, jostling her and speaking in a very loud, excited voice. I was actually worried she'd start to submissively pee. After he had moved on she was actually shaking. Not a lot, but it was noticeable. Later when he came back I commented on how she's scared of him and he said "No, don't worry, she's made peace with me." Even though she was still displaying fearful behavior and trying to avoid him.
> 
> So today he comes in and she sits nicely for him to pet her. Instead of simply petting her he gets down on his knees and of course she immediately got excited and tried to lick his face and exit her sit (because we haven't taught her to stay in a sit when someone is on their knees), and he immediately goes "Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit" even though she was doing a pretty dang good job of sitting already once he corrected her. Later, when I was cooking I heard him try and get her to sit again (I just taught her this command two days ago and she /just/ started doing it for me without food on occasion, but she has not really mastered it yet) and I hear "sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit" and I swear each time he repeated it it killed me a little on the inside. I told him she doesn't fully know what that word meant yet and he said to me "Give me a day and I'll have her sitting," which insulted me because it's not like I'm completely incompetent in training. We JUST got her on Wednesday. She's not going to know all of her commands right off the bat.
> 
> ...


In the training world, we call these people the "un-trainers". They think they know it all so they set your training back 10 steps for every 1 you accomplish.

I have kicked family and a couple of friends out of my house for doing stuff like this. I made them promise to stop before they were invited back. One person is permanently banned from my house for encouraging my 120 lb boy to jump on him. The reason he was banned from my house was that my dog had never before jumped on a person, and being encouraged to jump, started to do it reguarly because my friend was over a lot. It got to the point that my dog went to jump on my elderly father and he fell. I snapped on my friend the next time he came over and banned him from life when he told me "a big dog who jumps is cool, very intimidating!". That behavior isn't "cool" when I get sued! Don't encourage bad behaviors in my dogs or you're just not allowed back.

It shocks me that many of my students will allow their family members to manhandle, encourage, and allow them to set their training back and create more issues because they don't want to speak up and tell their family to cut the crap. They don't want to start a spat in the family because, afterall, it's "just a dog". Well, wouldn't you have a problem with them encouraging bad behaviors in your human child? I tell them they need to grow a backbone and step up and protect their dogs. Not in those exact words but I make a point out of the importance of saying something if you are uncomfortable.

Thankfully this person doesn't visit every weekend. If he did, I'd encourage you to speak up and tell them how uncomfortable you are with him. If he decides to throw a temper-tantrum over it, so be it. 

It's rediculous how some people act when they think they know everything about dogs, he's proven he's an idiot..lol


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## JakodaCD OA (May 14, 2000)

I would say something like "Thanks for your input but she is MY project with that, please respect that, and if I fail I fail, but I would like to be the one teaching her things since she's my responsibility"..

If that don't work, well I get the impression your young so you probably can't say what I'd say as it would be disrespectfull


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## Bismarck (Oct 10, 2009)

hope everything turns out ok.

but IMO, you should be crating her. zero interaction unless she's going out for a potty walk, or leashed to you while she's inside.
many people here will back this up, when a new dog is introduced to your place, especially if you have a cat, is to give them a minimum of 2 weeks crate.
this is actually good for the dog, it lets them see how your house is run while in the safety and security of their crate. 
I've fostered quite a few dogs, and i have 2 cats (small condo). i have the dog gates that allow the cat to pass through, but not the dog. this gives the cat free run of the house, but also a space where they don't have to worry about the dogs bothering them.
this will also let your dog understand that the cat is part of your family, and see the cat interacting with you, instead of seeing the cat as a mobile lunch buffet 

msvette has a good link, i'll try and find it. it explains the exact why's of the shut down period.


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## msvette2u (Mar 20, 2006)

In these type cases, a "Two week shut down" can never hurt!

It helps dogs become acquainted with the home, and "how things work" in your home without direct confrontations. I guarantee you if you do the two week shut down things will be at least 50% - if not 100% better. We've not had it fail yet after transitioning over 100 dogs per year into (and then out of) our home.


"I introduced her to 15 people" " he was a bit leery but seems to like my other 3 dogs" 
"she went everywhere with me " 
All in the first few days of the new home..... (!!!) 

Two weeks later we read 
“I think we will have to rehome the new dog" "the new dog barked and nipped at my kid" 
"we had a dog fight"

Ok, folks, here it comes; some feel this is extreme, why? I really do not know. 
But when bringing in a new dog, post finding, adoption, buying, etc, Give it time to adjust to you 
your family and the dogs in the new environment. 

TWO WEEKS - "shut down" 
For the first two weeks, (sometimes even longer) a dog takes in the new environment, who is the top 
persons, dogs, who ARE these people! By pushing a dog too fast and throwing too much at the dog we look like we are not the leaders and the dog can feel it MUST defend itself, as the leader is surely 
no one he has met so far! 
We coo, coddle, drag the dog to home to home to person to person, and the dog has NO idea who 
we are. 
As member Maryellen here said, "This is the dating period NOT the honeymoon" 
When you first met your "mate”, you were on your best behavior, you were not relaxed enough to be 
all of yourself, were you? Just think of the things you do physically once you get to KNOW a person, 
you wouldn’t run up to a stranger and hug them and squeeze them! 
Imagine, if on the first date, this new person, was all over you touching you and having their friends hug you 
and pat you on the head, and jostle your shoulders, then he whisked you off to another stranger’s home and 
they did the same thing. Would you think this person normal and SAFE? Wouldn’t you feel invaded and 
begin to get a bit snarky yourself? Wouldn’t you think to push these people away for obviously your date 
is out of their mind and they aren’t going to save you from these weirdos!! 
Yet we do this to our dogs, and then get upset or worried that they aren’t relaxed and accepting of EVERYTHING 
instantly! 

By shutting down the dog, it gives the dog TIME to see you, meet YOU, hear and take in the new sounds 
and smells of your home. 
I crate the dog in a room by itself if possible.(Believe me, dogs are sensory animals, they know more than you think without seeing it). 
I take it out on a leash (so I don’t have to correct it ..I don’t have that right yet!), I give it exercise time in the yard, 
I do no training at all, just fun exercise and maybe throw some toys for fun, leash the dog if you don’t have a fence outside. But I DO NOT leave my yard, AT ALL. 
No car rides, no other dogs, (unless crated beside them), no pet stores, no WALKS even, nothing but me, my home, my yard. (Unless of course the dog needs to go to the veterinarian) 
Believe me dogs can live two weeks without walks. Walks are stressful for there is so much coming at you! And the new person you have no clue who they are yet. The dog may react to something and we start correcting it with the leash and we just installed a VERY STRESSFUL moment to the dog! 
TEACH the dog by doing the shut down, that YOU are the one to look to, that you are now here for the dog! He can 
trust in you and look to you as its new leader!! 
In the house I have the dog out only for about 20 minutes post exercise/yard times. 
And, ALWAYS on a leash. 
Then PUT THE DOG AWAY. Let it absorb and think. 
I do not introduce the dogs for these two weeks, they can be side by side in the crates, (not nose to nose for they can feel defensive) . Some dogs will bond instantly with the other dogs if we don’t bond FIRST with the dog, and this can lead to some other issues, as the dog will look to the other dog(s) for guidance and not YOU! 

Literally in two weeks you will see a change in the dog and begin to see its honest and true personality. 
Just like a house guest...they are well behaved and literally shut down themselves these first few weeks, then 
post this time, they relax and the true personality begins to shine thru! 


So, please, if nothing else for your new dog, give it the time to LEARN YOU as you are learning who they are! 
This method works on shy dogs, confident dogs, abuse cases, chained dogs that come in, rowdy dogs, all temperaments!

(From PBF’s “luvnfstuff”, revised for spelling errors)


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## Fiddler (Feb 9, 2011)

Here's a quick fix

Print out your post and hand each of them a copy!


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## AkariKuragi (Dec 19, 2011)

Well, I'm 20 and living with my mom while I go to college, so it's her house and I can't really ask people to leave. : ( After my mom spoke up he didn't do it again, and I think he was humbled when my mom showed him how she could get Cinder to sit and lie down. 

I do crate her about three hours every three hours, so that the cats can have free time in the house without worrying about the dog, and so she can become adjusted to spending time alone and soak things in. I also tethered her to me until yesterday, and now I am keeping her in the living room with me, and I don't ever leave her unsupervised. If she gets into something she's not supposed to I redirect her to a more appropriate behavior. 

The training was more of a necessity so that my mom wouldn't get so frustrated with her. I have kept the sessions short and relaxed, nothing serious or pressing. I have been rewarding positive behaviors that she offers me and building off of those. 

I have also kept visitors to the absolute bare minimum, and from now on I'll crate her when someone comes over until she's more adjusted to us. I haven't taken her on a walk yet, and won't until she's out of heat, so that covers that. I do give her lots of fun play time in the yard though to get all that puppy energy out. : )

For the crating thing, how long do you suggest I crate her at a time?


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## AkariKuragi (Dec 19, 2011)

I'll also ask my mom to speak with her boyfriend, since I think he'll listen to her more than me. But still, I think I will crate her when he comes over again, just to be sure.


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## sashadog (Sep 2, 2011)

It sounds like she's pretty nervous of him and I would crate her or take her on a walk every single time he's around. Obviously, I don't know him or the whole situation but I do know that we've made a lot of mistakes with our rescue GSD and one of them was pushing her too hard with things that made her nervous. Now, we get to deal with fear aggression because I didn't step in soon enough.

My advice is whatever else you have to do, don't let it get to that point. Maybe because it's been such a hard thing to get over with our girl, but that's what stood out to me the most in your initial post. And as far as the little sister goes, 16 year olds are impossible to reason with so just ignore her  My sister's 4 years younger than me also and luckily she could have cared less about my dogs but that didn't keep us from arguing over other things.


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## Bismarck (Oct 10, 2009)

buy her a couple kongs, and fill it with peanut butter, bananas, yogurt, kibble, whatever..
freeze this.

give it to her when bf comes over, she'll be way more interested in getting the goop out of the kong than messing around with him. that way you can always say sorry, now is her down time.


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## Bismarck (Oct 10, 2009)

AkariKuragi said:


> For the crating thing, how long do you suggest I crate her at a time?


couple hours, take her out to potty on a leash, then back inside.
give her a little while outside the crate, leashed to you, doing your normal routine (ignore her). after a while you can just put her back in crate.

we tell people to treat the dog as if it's your neighbors dog (which you don't like), and your neighbors (who you do like) are going on a vacation and asked you to watch their dog for them.
so you'll do everything needed to make sure the dog is taken care of, potty, short walks in your yard (always leashed), but no freedom is given, as the dog hasn't earned it.
the dog has to adjust to you, and you to the dog. letting the dog see your routine from a safe place (crate) will help the dog immensely. just make sure the crate is a good, safe place where good things happen. recommend feeding time happens inside the crate also, that way she can feel safe while eating, and not have to worry if anyone else is going to try and steal her food.

as far as the boyfriend, yeah you'll have to go through mom, and explain to her that the bf has no right to try and play his "training games" with her. explain that you are the one that wants to train her, and will ask for assistance if needed, otherwise to please respect you and your property.

*edit*
thx msvette!


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## pkhoury (Jun 4, 2011)

msvette2u said:


> In these type cases, a "Two week shut down" can never hurt!
> (From PBF’s “luvnfstuff”, revised for spelling errors)


Can I get away with a 1 week shutdown? I don't have a crate yet, so I'm going to look on craigslist. I got really blessed when I got Aero - he bonded with the cat in 3 days, and never questioned me being the pack leader.

So brief background on the new dog - it's a 2 year old black female GSD, and was supposedly a stray. I got her primarily as a companion for Aero. She was spayed yesterday, so technically she has a shutdown until she gets the stitches removed anyways.

As of now, she's in the backyard munching on a bone (Aero has one of his as well) along with fresh water (until I get back tonight). When it's time to go to bed tonight, assuming I can't get a crate before then, do I just let her sleep on a dog bed in my room? Aero has his usual bed on the floor next to my bed, and the cat sleeps on the bed in my room. I don't know if the new dog (Elsa) is still under anesthetic from the spaying (yesterday), but i had her on a leash and choke chain, and she saw the cat once outside and once on the bed - she really had no interest in him, and the cat wasn't scared.

For quarantine, do I need to worry about her relieving herself in the house, or just have enough pads to fix that? I do have a spare room in the house I could let her use until she gets used to things. Thanks everyone in advance for your help.


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## msvette2u (Mar 20, 2006)

Well if it was me I'd follow the 2-week shut down to a T.


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## chelle (Feb 1, 2009)

Chance&Reno said:


> ... I have kicked family and a couple of friends out of my house for doing stuff like this. I made them promise to stop before they were invited back. One person is permanently banned from my house for encouraging my 120 lb boy to jump on him. The reason he was banned from my house was that my dog had never before jumped on a person, and being encouraged to jump, started to do it reguarly because my friend was over a lot. It got to the point that my dog went to jump on my elderly father and he fell. I snapped on my friend the next time he came over and banned him from life when he told me "a big dog who jumps is cool, very intimidating!". That behavior isn't "cool" when I get sued! Don't encourage bad behaviors in my dogs or you're just not allowed back.
> 
> *It shocks me that many of my students will allow their family members to manhandle, encourage, and allow them to set their training back and create more issues because they don't want to speak up and tell their family to cut the crap*. They don't want to start a spat in the family because, afterall, it's "just a dog". Well, wouldn't you have a problem with them encouraging bad behaviors in your human child? I tell them they need to grow a backbone and step up and protect their dogs. Not in those exact words but I make a point out of the importance of saying something if you are uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


Exactly. It isn't your home, but it is your mother's home and you are not a minor child. (?) I am assuming you are the trainer and caregiver of this dog. (?) You have certain rights in this.

You have every right in the world to express to this person that you do not allow certain things in regard to training, or to get that point across in a less combative way.

Someone very close in my family does the repeated command sit, sit, sit, sit thing. When they do this, I say, "it needs to be said once or you are losing all your power with the command." I say things very matter of fact -- not snotty or condescending. I then jump right in, tell the dog to sit and wait for the sit. (if a wait is even needed.) In other words, I disprove what they're doing right in front of them. It DOES make a believer of them, but you have to jump in and take control. 

In my case, I'm doing this with someone far older than I -- similar to you. It doesn't have to be disrespectful of that person, but he is disrespecting your training and work and setting you back. I don't agree that you should have to crate the dog up when he's around. It isn't the dog -- it's the human here. 

Get more replies here and show this thread to your mom, so she can help back you up. 

The person I spoke of knows everything about everything GSD -- Schutzhund even! -- because the neighbor had a GSD when this person was growing up.  This person thinks my Bailey would be an awesome guard-dog. Ok, now this is beyond hilarious. Bailey has as much "guard dog" in him as a hamster does.


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## pkhoury (Jun 4, 2011)

msvette2u said:


> Well if it was me I'd follow the 2-week shut down to a T.


I'm kind of not able to with the time frame. One week I can do, but not 2.

With that being the case, where would the crate be placed? Do I allow a bowl of water in the crate as well? As for food, I make slurping sounds by the dog bowl so the dog knows that I'm the one who eats first, and they eat next, and I don't leave food freely in their bowls (Aero gets fed 2x a day).

I will read your post again and respond back if I have further questions.


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## pkhoury (Jun 4, 2011)

msvette2u said:


> Well if it was me I'd follow the 2-week shut down to a T.


Okay, I read it again for about the 4th time. So should I keep the crate in a separate room with the door closed, or can I have it in an open area of the house, or does it matter?

I never did this with Aero, but I was blessed that he had a good temperament, and he was my first GSD, so that was a learning process in itself.

Elsa doesn't know her name yet and isn't that great with commands. Do I start teaching basic commands after the 1-2 weeks? And just continue referring to her name?

As for tonight, I don't have a crate - does she sleep in my room, in the guest room alone, or outside? The weather isn't cold, but I don't believe in making dogs sleep outside all alone. Again, forgive me if the questions are ignorant at all.


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