# I am in complete and total shock...



## PiedPiperInKC

I'm not communicating with anyone in my life right now - but for some reason I feel compelled to post on this board. There are some things that only German Shepherd owners can understand - so I guess I feel the need to share my story here. Forgive me if some parts of this sound like I'm "all over the board"...but a LOT has happened in the past 2 days and I'm having a very hard time processing it.

Many of you have seen me post on here last week about my beautiful, new, blue-eyed, 8-week old puppy, Kaiya, whom we welcomed to our family last Wednesday. Kaiya has come into our lives because we lost our beloved 7-year old female, Nikka on April 5th very tragically and unexpectedly. Our 9-year old male, Titan, just got his annual check-up 1 week ago and we were told he was the perfect picture of health. We knew that was probably the case as he still jumps several feet in the air to catch the frisbee and his play drive and energy level are as high as they've ever been.

Friday night, Titan developed bloat and we had to put our "Once In A Lifetime Dog" to sleep. I was - and still am - in shock. I was sitting in the exam room at the emergency vet clinic at 1am in the morning and looked at my husband 30 seconds before the vet walked in. I said "I hope there's not more meaning to this puppy coming into our lives than Nikka dying." She showed us the x-ray and his stomach had flipped completely over. I had to leave the room when she told us the news. I went out in the parking lot and rocked back and forth looking into the sky asking God "Why?" at least 1,000 times. I began pacing, hyper-ventilating, crying...I just lost it. Then the thunder came and it started raining when my husband came outside to share with me our options. (which were really none).

Luckily, they inserted a needle into his stomach to release some of the pressure to give us enough time to call our kids (who both still live at home) to come say goodbye to him. The kids grew up with him - and we thought we had at least 3 good years left. They didn't want to be in the room when it happened - but to see my 21-year old son and 16-year old daughter crying their eyes out as they sad their goodbyes just made my heart break even more. 

That poor vet who had to inject him. I told her "You don't understand - we just lost our female 2 months ago! You don't understand - we just buried her 3 days ago! You don't understand - we just brought a new puppy home 2 days ago because she died! You don't understand - Titan just got a clean bill of health exactly one week ago! You don't understand - 2 hours ago he was jumping in the air catching the frisbee! You don't understand - EVERYONE who has ever met this dog has absolutely fallen in love with him...he's SO special....it just can't be his time to go yet!!" She must have thought I was a crazy woman - but I could tell that even though she's dones this hundreds of times - our story was really getting to her. She was starting to tear up and she told me she could tell how much we loved him and what a wonderful life we gave him. She also told me that this was the last, wonderful, most loving gift we could give him - as he wouldn't have to endure any pain from this awful condition. And with that...I knew it was time to let him go.

I can't tell you how much eye contact he made with me. One of the last things I said to him was "Titan...you're breakin' my heart, buddy. I guess you wanna' go be with Nikka than go through raising this puppy, huh? That's okay...you go find her...she'll be happy you're there." Even though it is all still such a blur - there are certain things I do remember. It was very quick, very peaceful and thank God I went with my instincts and we got him up there before he ever endured any real pain.

Titan was one of those AMAZING dogs that I will never own again in my lifetime. As much as I loved my Nikka - and I already love my little Kaiya - Titan was special. Sometime I would love to share with all of you the things he did that made him so special - I just can't 'go there' yet.

Titan's death is affecting me so differently than Nikka's. I don't want to see any pictures of him, I just threw away his food dishes and all of his toys before the trash collectors came today. I just DON'T want to do this again...not yet!!! It has taken me 2.5 months to finally get to a decent place with Nikka's death - and Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were 3 of the happiest days I've had in a long time bringing that sweet puppy home!! It was SO nice to replace those tears with joy...and I LOVED seeing Titan with the new little baby. It is just SO unfair that God chose NOW to take him from us. I do NOT want to create another photo album, I do NOT want to go pick up another box of ashes, I do NOT want to order another grave stone and I do NOT want to go through the grieving process again....not now....IT'S JUST TOO SOON!!!

What I will say is this. God obviously had a plan when he put Kaiya in our lives. I called my breeder 3 days after Nikka died as I had heard she was no longer in the business - but I wanted to tell her about Nikka and ask if she was still breeding. As it turns out, she had decided to get back into it on a limited basis and her 1st litter in 2 years was due in 2 weeks. We went out and visited the mom and we absolutely fell in love with her! A male & 2 females were already spoken for. Normally, I would've put a deposit down right then and there to make SURE I got one of those puppies. For the 1st time in my life - I decided to leave something to fate. I told her it was SO soon after Nikka died - that if it was meant to be it will happen. I told her to call me if she has a female left in the litter after they are born that wasn't spoken for. When the litter was born there was 1 male and 3 females - the last female was not spoken for! (I got this call from the breeder on the same day I got the call that Nikka's ashes were ready to be picked up).

We went out to visit the litter on June 3rd when they were 6 weeks old. That's when I noticed their BEAUTIFUL coloring!! I had never heard of a blue GSD - but 3 of the 4 pups were blues! It was the mom's 1st litter and she had no idea dad carried the gene, too. This made them all the more special! We had always had 1st pick of the litter with Titan and Nikka - this time we had last pick. We decided when we went out that if we saw one we really liked - we wouldn't show it (this was our strategy!) To make a long story short...we fell in LOVE with one little puppy - as she had Nikka's spunk!! Her personality was more playful and spunky than the other 3 by a long shot. We knew, of course, that she wouldn't be ours. We waited until the others left and I asked the breeder "So we have last pick, correct?" She said "No, actually you get 2nd pick now due to some issues that have come up with my other buyers...let me guess which one you want???" So needless to say...we got our 1st pick after all!!

Kaiya is the perfect mix of Titan and Nikka's personality. It's like she's this beautiful, blue-eyed ANGEL that has been given to us to ease our pain of losing BOTH dogs in such a short timespan. My husband has already told several people "If this puppy wasn't here, Christine would be curled up in a ball in bed right now thinking of nothing but Titan. Kaiya is forcing her to engage in life." 

The fact that so many unique circumstances have led her to us AND the fact the SHE is so unique herself...it all seems that a higher power is at play. She has had only 1 accident since Wednesday, she's never whined when I crate her at night and last night she slept from 11:30pm to 6:30am! She is always at my feet, follows me everywhere I go and she also is SO happy and energetic that she even had the power to make the 4 of us laugh the morning after we put Titan to sleep. She's our saving grace right now!!

Thank you for letting me share on here. I have lots of pictures and Nikka's story on her photo album on my Facebook page if any of you would like to read it. My Facebook page is: http://www.facebook.com/christine.b.barbour#!/ Please let me know you saw this post if you decide to friend me - so I accept. I'll also post a couple of pics taken of Titan and Kaiya for the 2.5 days they spent together...even though it is going to be hard. Titan and Nikka are in my avatar.


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## Lilie

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.


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## DWP

*Out thoghts and prayers are with you and yours.*

I am truly sorry to hear of your traumatic time. There are many here who will red your post and reply, many more will read and not reply, but know we all feel for you and your family. Peace be with you.


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## Jax08

Oh Christine. :teary: I have no words. :hugs:


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## marshies

May Titan rest and peace.My thoughts are with you and your family.
I can't imagine what it is like to lose 2 dogs at once, and hope that your puppy will pull you out of Titan's death like she did the first time.


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## DanielleOttoMom

Oh I'am just so sorry for you and your loss. It was to close together.


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## Sunstreaked

Thank you for sharing that story. I can barely see to type and can't speak past the lump in my throat. My thoughts are with you and your family.


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## Freestep

I'm so, so sorry. You don't sound like a crazy woman at all. I can't imagine losing two beloved pets in such a short time. Hugs to you. :halogsd:


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## JakodaCD OA

I am so very very sorry as well, and also shocked to read this, last post I read, were the pics of the Titan and the puppy looking so cute together((

Hugs and prayers to you all, and your right, Kaiya has been brought to you for a reason.


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## rjThor

I am so sorry for your loss, not once but twice, i'm at work, and your story was from the heart, and nothing wrong with wanting to share with your friends, especially if it helps you with the grieving process. My first GSD, passed when I was 16, and he was very special and will never be replaced, but I will always remember n carry all the great times my buddy n I had as I was growing up, he did wonders for me as a child, and then as a young man. I feel your pain, but yet I want to thank you for sharing with us. Once again my condolences for your loss, and I feel your pain.


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## GSDAlphaMom

Just heartbreaking. Everytime I read one of these it takes me back to so many times I've gone through it. I too feel your pain and am so sorry for your losses. It is so hard to go through. I am glad Titan got to meet Kaiya before he went to be with Nikka and that she is there during this time for you. 

Kaiya is going to be something special as Titan and Nikka live through her.


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## krystyne73

I am deeply, deeply sorry for your loss....


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## Mrs.K

I am so sorry, I really couldn't go through the entire story. I was tearing up half way through it. It is heartbreaking and I feel for you and with you. 

May they both rest in peace and run free and I hope the puppy can help you over the tremendous loss you just experienced.


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## shilohsmom

I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Theres no wrong or right way to grieve such a loss and I'm sure you will go through many stages. Hopefully your puppy will help ease some of your pain. 

I just have one question in hopes of sharing your experience. Did the Vet offer to do surgery for the Bloat? I know when Shoshi bloated our Vet immediately got her into Surgery. 

Take care,


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## blehmannwa

What a tragedy. I am sorry for your loss.


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## GSDGunner

I have a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I can't believe this happened to you. I am so sorry. Words can't express how deeply touched I was by your story. I am sitting here welling up as I type.
I can't imagine losing my pup, let alone two in such a short period of time.

RIP sweet boy. Join your sister at the bridge and run free!


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## NancyJ

I am so sorry you went through this but so happy you have this wonderful little puppy to live on with you.


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## fuzzybunny

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. That's just awful and I can't even imagine losing both of mine so close together Hugs.


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## GSDBESTK9

Very sorry for your loss, may the new puppy bring you strength in these difficult times.


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## Alyalanna

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking to think of losing 2 best friends in such a short amount of time.


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## Stosh

Such a tragic loss, I'm so very sorry. I just love the pictures of those two together, thankfully you have them.


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## kiya

I'm so sorry to hear your story, sometimes life is painful. Cherish the memories you have nothing can ever take them away from you.


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## LARHAGE

My deepest condolences to you, may your new puppy provide you with many years of love and joy. Titan was a beautiful dog.


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## weber1b

Very sorry to hear of your loss. As hard as it is to lose a treasured family member, it is even harder when it is sudden and unexpected. Hopefully the new puppy can help repair the tear in your heart to some degree.


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## Dogaroo

So sorry.... How painful, to have two such huge losses so close together! I'm glad you have Kaiya to ease your pain a little & help you work through this.

I wonder if there's something about the name...? My Kaija showed up unexpectedly exactly one week after my sister died. I wasn't planning on having another dog at that time, much less a GSD (that's yet another story), but she turned out to be exactly what I needed and her timing was perfect. 

My sister & I had a very rocky relationship from the time we were little. Only a month before she suddenly died, we had started patching things up between us & getting to know each other again. I chose the name "Kaija" because it's a Finnish name that I really like. I didn't find out until much later that 1) my sister had chosen that very same name for the dog she had planned to get, and 2) "Kaiya" (same pronunciation) supposedly means "forgiveness" in Japanese.


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## clearcreekranch

So sorry for your losses. Hugs and prayers from Texas.


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## Dogaroo

Basically what I was saying, before I went off on a tangent or three, was.... (now, what _was_ it that I was going to say??) It doesn't surprise me that your Kaiya showed up when she did. It was meant to happen that way because you need her, _especially_ her, especially now. :wub:


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## trudy

I am very sorry to read this, sometimes we wonder how we can take so much pain, I am truly sorry. I did try to find you on facebook but was unable to, I'd love if you added me though and then i can see your pup grow up and I do so love sharing the pics of my guys, Trudy Calvert from Ontario


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## vat

I am so very sorry for your loss. Loosing one is hard enough but two! I lost a puppy then 3 months later had to PTS our older dog. I was so thankful that we had another pup at the time to help me through it. I can now think of both of them and smile knowing they are playing together waiting for us.

Big hugs to you, I am glad you came here to share. I hope we can give you even a little comfort.


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## codmaster

WOW! My deepest sympathy to you!

That is a very tough row to hoe!

Thank God for the new puppy - of course not a replacement, just an additional gift!


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## Rerun

Words can't express how hard it is to lose a loved pet. And I do understand that even though you love them all, some have a special place in your heart that the others can't reach. I have a heart dog too. I can not imagine the day when she passes. My childhood "heart dog" GSD was euthanized many years ago, and I still think of him often. I am so sorry for your families loss....


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## gracierose

I'm so sorry for your loss & my thoughts are with you.


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## CassandGunnar

So sorry to hear about your loss.
I've always believed that every dog we've lost has sent us the next one, when it's time.


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## Veronica1

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Really sad. I hope your new pup helps heal your heart just like only little puppies can do.


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## MarleyGSD

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thoughts, hugs and prayers are on their way from New Jersey:hugs: Thank you for sharing your story with us.


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## Daisy

I remember your post about your puppy, and your joy. Now, reading this, words can't express how sorry I am for your loss. May God give you His peace which surpasses all human understanding during this difficult time.


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## asja

I am so sorry to hear about your tragic loss of Titan and Nikka. I'm glad you have your new little puppy to help heal your heart and bring you some happiness. 

I know exactly how you feel. My two older dogs, Asja and Boris, died within months of each other in 2008. Boris was my favorite dog of all time, and he died quickly and unexpectedly. I was totally devastated. Boris died two and a half years ago, and I still cry over him. 

I'm so sorry. I hope your new puppy brings you years of happiness.


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## Chicagocanine

I am really sorry to hear about your dog... I know how hard it is to lose two dogs so close together, I lost my terrier Pooch and my Golden Retriever Ginger(my heart dog) less than 3 months apart as well in 2008.
I almost lost Ginger to bloat when she was 11 and I know how horrible it can be. They had to do emergency surgery, her stomach, the start of her intestines and her spleen were all twisted. I was freaking out because the emergency vet kept saying she did not know if Ginger would make it because of her age but luckily the surgery was successful and the color/blood supply returned quickly with no lasting effects but I lost her a year later to cancer.


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## Stella's Mom

I am so sorry for your loss. Words are just not adequate to ease the pain you must feel. Hopefully your new pup will help you to get to that better place soon. My girl Stella has helped me to get over the painful loss of our family Shepherd mix Rio this past December. She too looked me in the eyes when the time came to say good bye and give the go ahead for the injection.

I live in fear of bloat in my dog too, I pray she stays healthy.

Your Titan is beautiful...he will always live in your heart.


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## Good_Karma

I'm not one to count on fate, but it sounds like fate had a hand in bringing you your new puppy when it did. Please accept my deepest sympathies on your losses. It's good that your little blue girl is forcing you to participate in life, even though I am sure you don't want to. I'm so sorry that your children lost their companion too. I hope that you all can find comfort in each other and with your new little girl.


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## PiedPiperInKC

*I'm the OP....*

Thank you for all of the messages you've sent...it really means a lot.

It looks like I got the link wrong to my Facebook page on my original post. If you just type my e-mail address into the search engine you'll get to it. [email protected].

Thanks, everyone...and on a happy note - here's a couple of pics of my little blue Kaiya taken on Friday before Titan passed....


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## KZoppa

Dogaroo said:


> Basically what I was saying, before I went off on a tangent or three, was.... (now, what _was_ it that I was going to say??) *It doesn't surprise me that your Kaiya showed up when she did. It was meant to happen that way because you need her, especially her, especially now.* :wub:


 
i am in complete agreement with this. I'm so sorry for your loss. That has got to be a shock. I cant begin to imagine how hard it is to lose two so close together. Losing one is always hard enough as it is. :hugs:


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## AvaLaRue

I have no words...just tears. ((HUGS))


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## DharmasMom

I am so sorry for your losses. Losing 2 dogs that close together, well, I can't imagine it. And I agree that Kaiya was brought to you for a reason. Sending lots of hugs from me and my pack.


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## onyx'girl

Sorry for your tragic losses. I hope Kaiya is giving you a little bit of comfort while you grieve. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling....hugs to you and your family.


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## Caitydid255

I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain of losing two dogs unexpectedly in a very short time, just as you are starting to heal from the first loss you have to go through the experience again. My heart goes out to you. May you find the strength and peace to get through this turbulent time.:hugs:


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## JanaeUlva

Truly sorry to hear about your two dogs however I felt, when I read your post, how loved and how lucky those dogs were to be a part of your family. And that is something to always remember - that you gave them the best life. Now your puppy gets to experience your great family. Wishing you all the best.


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## cta

i too, am very sorry for your loss. i couldn't believe what i was reading when i clicked on this post, i couldn't even imagine going through that...it fully brought me to tears. take everything one day at a time and just love the heck out of your new little beauty. she cannot replace your other dogs, but she can direct you back toward the path to happiness. may you take comfort in knowing you have two angels watching over you.


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## WarrantsWifey

Wow, your story had me in tears, you can just read the love you had for them. I'm so sorry for the loss of both your loves, I only hope that Kaiya can help you through this time. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will be sure to keep you and your family in my prayers.


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## Mom2Shaman

My husband and I send our deepest condolences. My mouth first fell open as I read, and then I simply cried. I am so so sorry. I have no words. I can only pray for strength for your husband, you, the kids, and the pup.


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## idahospud49

Oh my goodness, I am soo sorry!! I can't even imagine losing two so close together. I think maybe that's a reason I always only have one, it would be too hard. Your little girl definitely got sent to you for a reason!


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## PiedPiperInKC

Woke up this morning to more of your wonderful messages....thank you everyone for your kind words.


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## wolfstraum

Your post has brought tears to my eyes....I am so sorry for your loss, your vet was right, you gave Titan release from pain because you loved him, no matter how much it hurt you...another friend of mine, here on the board, also lost her two very special dogs within about 2 months, and it is not fair...it is not easy...but they are together at the Bridge...

<<<HUGS>>>>


Lee


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## 1sttimeforgsd

Christine, I too was shocked when I first saw your post this morning. You and your family have endured the loss of two loves so close together and the heaviness that your hearts are bearing is so overwhelming. With the help of your new little girl to ease the pain, I pray that each day will be a little easier for you all, and that she will begin putting some happiness back in your hearts.

Nikka and Titon will be watching from above, and will I'm sure be amused by the antics of your new little girl. You have such wonderful memories of them both which can never be taken away and you will make new memories with your little blue eyed girl. And by the way she is beautiful just like her momma, I will include you and your family in my prayers.

Run free at the bridge Nikka and Titon, run free. :rip:


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## WVGSD

My heart aches for your loss with you. May you find peace knowing that your two beloved dogs are together again and are waiting for you at the Bridge. Hold your new baby close to your heart.


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## GROVEBEAUTY

I am VERY sorry for your loss!! Our prayers are with you! I lost two of my beloved dogs in the same day. It hurts beyond explanation even now, (six months later).


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## Mac's Mom

There are no words. I'm so sorry.


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## CarrieJ

Your post made me cry.
I'm so sorry.
I did the same dump everything when Loki died. 

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time....


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## PiedPiperInKC

*Here he is....*

Goodbye my beautiful boy. I love you more than words can say and I'll miss you every day of my life ....


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## Silvermoon

You and your family are in my prayers... there really are no words.....


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## s14roller

I'm very sorry to hear this...I was just reading your other thread and then came across this...


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## Stosh

What a beautiful boy


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## juliejujubean

i am sooo sorry about your babies. may they rest in peace. I wonder if they are playing with my boys king and champ up in doggie heaven?


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## PiedPiperInKC

*You're all SO kind!*

Thank you for continuing to send such nice messages. Went out of town for the weekend to a huge country music festival that has tons of big name artists. It's been planned for 9 months. Was going to cancel, but decided the whole family probably needed it. It really is true that music soothes the soul! It was just what the doctor ordered....

Soon, though, I'm gonna' have to start really dealing with the loss of Titan. Have had several sad moments - but still don't feel like I've really accepted it yet. Trying to not think about it, still. The puppy is SUCH a lifesaver...but yet I feel kind of guilty because I'm not thinking about Titan as much as I should so soon after his death. It just hurts WAY too much to go there...and the puppy is such a happy thing.

Oh well....one day at a time.....


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## CaliBoy

Please don't be hard on yourself about enjoying the puppy. Titan would understand. You have to grieve in whatever way you need to grieve. The tears come and go. The memories surge up and then we start thinking of other things. One minute your busy with continuing with your life, and the next minute the sorrow will come back like an avalanche of pain.

Sometimes, it's good for the mind and the body to put the thought of a loved, deceased one on the "back burner" because if we had to intensely relive the death of our loved one, every hour, on the hour, it would completely break us. Eventually, you will face Titan's death, full force, and I think in those moments, nothing helps but prayers and letting time go by, because there is something with the passing of the years that does heal the pain somewhat.

I am truly sorry about Titan's passing. What a striking dog, so handsome and yet taken from you so suddenly and tragically. He leaves such a gaping hole in your heart and thank God you are part of a forum family that understands your grief and how, like some posters have said, "there are no words" just hugs from across the miles.


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## PiedPiperInKC

CaliBoy said:


> Please don't be hard on yourself about enjoying the puppy. Titan would understand. You have to grieve in whatever way you need to grieve. The tears come and go. The memories surge up and then we start thinking of other things. One minute your busy with continuing with your life, and the next minute the sorrow will come back like an avalanche of pain.
> 
> Sometimes, it's good for the mind and the body to put the thought of a loved, deceased one on the "back burner" because if we had to intensely relive the death of our loved one, every hour, on the hour, it would completely break us. Eventually, you will face Titan's death, full force, and I think in those moments, nothing helps but prayers and letting time go by, because there is something with the passing of the years that does heal the pain somewhat.
> 
> I am truly sorry about Titan's passing. What a striking dog, so handsome and yet taken from you so suddenly and tragically. He leaves such a gaping hole in your heart and thank God you are part of a forum family that understands your grief and how, like some posters have said, "there are no words" just hugs from across the miles.


This was really good for me to read...thank you. I have to say, this is a really 'interesting' journey I'm going on with Titan dying at the same time I have a new puppy. I still cannot believe she was only here 2.5 days and then he died. There's no doubt that she is keeping me so busy that I'm not having the time to grieve that I did with Nikka a couple of months ago. However, it's also such a WEIRD place that I'm in.

To have all of these DEVASTATING emotions going on about the finality of death at the same time I'm having all of these ELATED emotions going on about the hope of a new life right at it's beginning stages...well...it's just hard..and it's confusing. As happy as I am about this new little life coming into my life at the EXACT right time that I need her (no mistake, I'm sure) it is also SO scary. I look at her with hope...and yet I know how this story ends. Of course, I wouldn't have it any other way...but it's all just a crazy mess of emotions right now.

God works in mysterious ways and I guess he doesn't want me to feel like I have to start the grieving process all over again, yet. Both Titan and Nikka were fairly young (7 and 9) and EXTREMELY healthy every day of their lives. All of sudden they are BOTH gone to rare circumstances. As my husband said "If someone would've told me 3 months ago that in 3 months BOTH of our beautiful, healthy dogs would be gone and we'd have a new one...I wouldn't have believed them." Every day I go down into my backyard and see Nikka's gravesite and I just stare. I remember how I just buried her 2 weeks ago and everything felt that it had come full circle. My husband said "Let's bury her to the left so that someday when Titan dies we can bury him here, too." My daughter & I were saying "Don't even talk about that." Three days later he was gone...and now we have a new puppy walking in that little 'sacred area'. It's all just too surreal. I haven't ordered his gravestone yet...I haven't even barely looked at pics of him yet. It still just doesn't seem real that he is gone.

Just rambling...so thanks for putting up with me while I get through this. It's true, posting here in this forum with all of you who so dearly love GSD's is a comfort to me. Life is so unpredictable.....


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## Sudilar

Hugs. I know how you feel, however my loss was over 7 months. My Killian was my darling boy with liver disease and later Cushings. My Shiloh was my rock, my healthy girl, the one that was to get me through the eventual loss of Killian. Seven months after the passing of Killian, my rock Shiloh was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer at the age of 6 and passed within two weeks of diagnosis. I was devastated. I could not even look at another dog especially a GSD. 
So I do empathize with you on your losses. 
I am so glad you have your pup to help you through this. The rescue I volunteered for gave me 4 months to grieve and then "forced" me into fostering and then adopting that foster, Thor. Sadly Thor passed on May 18th of hemangiosarcoma and I am again dogless. However, this time I will start looking for someone to rescue sooner.
Hugs to you and the pup.


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## CaliBoy

PiedPiperInKC: Your post expresses perfectly what I felt like when I lost my beloved GSD to hemangio and the very next day my puppy arrived. It is a roller coaster, between tears (for my deceased GSD) and laughter (watching the antics of my puppy). It is the wierdest of places to be in, that's for sure. I don't know if I would recommend it to anyone, but in my case, if I didn't have the puppy at the time, I would have been completely messed up with the grief.

I was so very blessed with a puppy who instantly filled the house with joy and laughter. The only bad thing about catastrophic grief, and having a puppy in my case, was that I was useless for discipline and training. Thank God he has grown up into such a nice dog, in spite of me being too lost in sorrow to give him much direction for how to behave. On the bright side, being in grief meant I had no desire to go out and have a social life for at least 5 months, so at least the puppy got plently of walks, play time, and attention, if not training.

Sudilar: I can't imagine how it must be like to lose three in such a short span of time.


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## Pattycakes

My thoughts are with you during this very sad and difficult time. Titan was a beautiful boy and you have Kaiya to help fill the void that your two GSDs left. 

I know its been almost 3.5 yrs since I lost my Alexi, but not a day goes by that I don't think about her and miss her. The pain of the loss does get better with time. Hugs to you! I"m so very sorry that you lost both of them so soon.


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## guitarest

I just read yur story, I am so very sorry for your loss. 

I had a pup similar to your pup his name was Blitz and he passed in my arms at 8 months after fighting a series of illnesses due to poor breeding standards of the red neck breeder and a mis diagnosis from the Banfield Vet at Petsmart. It is the worst day of my life in the recent decade since King was everything to me with the children moved out.


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## guitarest

juliejujubean said:


> i am sooo sorry about your babies. may they rest in peace. I wonder if they are playing with my boys king and champ up in doggie heaven?


Yup they are for sure waiting at the Rainbow Bridge


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## duttlyn

Oh my goodness, I am so very sorry for your loss. I read every word and I can feel your anguish and my heart goes out to you. I held it together until I saw the pics of little Kaiya and Titan together... your grief must be like an ocean right now. Please know that our prayers are with you and thank God that little Kaiya came into your life when she did. She is a gift.

God bless you.


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## ZeusersPuppy

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. there is nothing wrong with wanting a companion in your life. Doesn't show weakness or lack of compassion for those you have lost. it's a way to help heal your heart by letting another fuzzy furry friend into your life and not shutting out the world. 

I totally understand where you are coming from. If you don't mind me sharing (non GSD dog story sorry). My aunt had a cocker/corgie mix named Pocohauntas (Poco for short) and lived to be 17 years old. They also had a beagle/lab mix (Roxanne) and purebred husky (Thunder). Poco was everyones love. sweetest dog i ever knew. she thought she was a cat in a previous life as she liked to try to sit perched on your shoulder and chase mice. She was my aunt baby girl since she could not bare any more children due to medical reasons. Needless to say when she passed it was a sad, sad day for many. The vet has told her it must have been due to old age even though she was very spirited, running around chasing squirrels up to that day. But then Thunder passed away just 3 DAYS later, at the age of 5 that was just devastating. And both dogs had acted the same way in their sickness to the last breath. they couldn't afford tests to verify what really could have caused their deaths but we swear the neighbors had something to do with it. When they say things like "shut those da*n dogs up or I will do it for them" and throwing things at them when they were barking, along with other things, hard not to suspect. But the next day we went to the local animal shelter and adopted another lil girl named precious. It helped my aunt cope with the loss, and bring a new friend into the surviving dogs life. Poor Roxanne was lost and confused for a long time not understanding what was going on. Having a new pet in their lives helped them through the difficult time


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## PiedPiperInKC

More beautiful stories and beautiful replies. Thank you all so very much for sharing your stories and ESPECIALLY your thoughts and prayers. It will be 4 weeks tomorrow since my 'Once In A Lifetime" boy left. I still haven't dealt with his death - and I'm not sure when I'll be ready.

2 weeks ago I unexpectedly got a voicemail from the emergency vet clinic telling me Titan's ashes were ready. I BURST into tears. I can tell it's all right underneath the surface just waiting to come out in a big way. I told my husband I couldn't do it again so soon - he had to do it this time. When I picked up Nikka's ashes in April it was at my beloved vet's clinic where she unexpectedly passed away overnight in a kennel. I thought I was going to be picking her up and bringing her home that morning - instead, I got a phone call at 7am that she was gone. It was the 1st time I had been there since she had died. When they brought out my young, beautiful, 75-lb girl in a little white box - I just lost it. It was AWFUL beyond words. And as much as I loved her - HE was my 'heart' dog, my big, beautiful, extremely intelligent protector, the guy who was picking weeds with me and jumping 4 feet in the air to catch a frisbee just hours before he died. Nope, just can't go there yet. I told my husband to put the ashes somewhere in the house where I can't find them because I cannot look at that box until I am ready.

So again, THANK YOU all so very much for helping me through this. It's a strange place to be having this new puppy whom I ADORE - but also knowing I have her only because I lost TWO very important family members whom I also adored. 

Regardless, Kaiya is my angel sent from above and I KNOW they are both looking down on us with her and smiling!


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## Stosh

When we had to put pour last gsd to sleep I thought I would be strong since I had made the arrangements and was 'ready' in my mind but there's no way to be ready for that. Her body was cremated and it never occurred to me that I'd be getting her back, so when the vet called and said her ashes were there to be picked up I was like you- I just couldn't do it. My husband was out of town so I called my best friend and he picked them up. Our vet loved Omy and had her ashes put in a black urn so it wasn't as harsh as what you went through. The urn is on a hunt table behind the sofa so she's just over my shoulder. Even though it's been 4 yrs I can hardly say her name without tearing up. Give yourself time and don't begrudge yourself the tears or the time you need


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## PiedPiperInKC

*So maybe this is a small sign I'm ready to finally start processing it...*

I've had an e-mail sitting in my inbox for the past 7 weeks with pics taken of Titan by my good friend with a great camera just a few hours before we lost him. Of course, we didn't KNOW we were going to lose him when these shots were taken. This is him and a friend of mine who has known him since he was a pup. She came over to visit the new puppy that day (we had gotten her 3 days earlier) and she locked in on Titan. We were going on and on about how beautiful he was and how he should be on a GSD calendar. Wish something inside of me would've asked my friend to snap one of me with him, too...

I haven't been able to open that e-mail all this time - but finally did a couple of hours ago. I guess you've gotta' start somewhere...and this is it for me. A small step - but a step nonetheless!

God, he was SO beautiful and SO regal....I'd give ANYTHING to be able to run my hands through his fur just one more time....


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## GSDLoverII

My heart just breaks reading this.
I am so very sorry for your loss....both of them. 
Healing prayers coming your way.
{{{HUGS}}}


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## CaliBoy

PiedPiper: Although it is very painful to have Titan's ashes now, you might actually find it helpful to lay him to rest. Maybe you could make a little shrine in the back yard, with a beautiful setup around it, where Titan's ashes could be laid. Everyone is different, but it helped me to bury my pets where I could visit their resting place, put flowers, and chat with them. As time passed, the emotion of the loss became less intense, or at least more bearable, and I felt the wound slowly heal. Once again, I want to say how sorry I am to read of your sorrow. You are right, the grief is so raw and just beneath the surface, but other GSD owners who have lost their beloved pets know what that is like and can truly sympathize.


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## PiedPiperInKC

CaliBoy said:


> PiedPiper: Although it is very painful to have Titan's ashes now, you might actually find it helpful to lay him to rest. Maybe you could make a little shrine in the back yard, with a beautiful setup around it, where Titan's ashes could be laid. Everyone is different, but it helped me to bury my pets where I could visit their resting place, put flowers, and chat with them. As time passed, the emotion of the loss became less intense, or at least more bearable, and I felt the wound slowly heal. Once again, I want to say how sorry I am to read of your sorrow. You are right, the grief is so raw and just beneath the surface, but other GSD owners who have lost their beloved pets know what that is like and can truly sympathize.


Actually, we made a beautiful spot because we buried Nikka 4 days before Titan died. (pic attached) We knew that SOMEDAY, we would put Titan there, too (we just certainly didn't think it would be 3 days later that we'd lose him). You would think that would make it easier - but considering I'm still just not ready to connect the word "death" and "Titan" - that just doesn't sound comforting to me at all yet, unfortunately. With Nikka, it was the final step in my grieving process. I had been going through that process for 2 months and to bury her the night before we got the new puppy made it feel "complete." But then to have Titan die 3 days later? It was just too much to handle. The fact that their deaths happened so closely has a lot to do with this, I'm sure.

I know I want to do it before the weather gets cold again, so I'm going to make myself - whether I'm ready or not - get it done by then.


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## JakodaCD OA

such a gorgeous boy and such gorgeous pictures..I love the memorial, 

I am so glad you have Kiya tho


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## PiedPiperInKC

JakodaCD OA said:


> such a gorgeous boy and such gorgeous pictures..I love the memorial,
> 
> I am so glad you have Kiya tho


You are always so sweet...thank you.

Yes, for some reason I believe the grieving process is just about to begin on Titan. I've been pushing it back these past few weeks cuz' I just don't want to do it. It's going to have to be done in tiny, little, baby steps though. Just opening that email last night to see those pics of him was enough to last me awhile. Lots of tears after finally looking at them. He looked so beautiful, healthy and active. I still can't believe I'm never going to see him again....


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## DharmasMom

He was an absolutely stunning boy. And he will live in your heart forever. Your memorial for Nikka is beautiful and when the time is right for you it can memorialize both of your beloved family members. It is a fitting place to do so.


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## PiedPiperInKC

DharmasMom said:


> He was an absolutely stunning boy. And he will live in your heart forever. Your memorial for Nikka is beautiful and when the time is right for you it can memorialize both of your beloved family members. It is a fitting place to do so.


Thank you!:wub:

I'm crying as I'm reading these comments....see....I just SO haven't dealt with this yet!! I'm so happy to share these pics with you guys. I loved Nikka SO much - I don't want to 'lessen' her death. It's just that he truly was my 'Once In A Lifetime Dog' and to see these pictures...it just breaks my heart all over again. He was just SO beautiful, SO regal, SO perfect!!! EVERYONE loved Titan...he did so many amazing things...

I think I'm starting to think about him because I went to a family member's funeral yesterday...I dunno...I'm just messed up when it comes to Titan!!


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## CookieTN

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.  I cried the whole time I read through your post.
"Death leaves heartache no one can heal. Love leaves memories no one can steal."


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## ZeusersPuppy

this may come off a little wrong, but perhaps look at it this way to help you out.

Nikka and Titan seem like they were terrific playmates here on earth. Bringing you happiness, love and laughter. Neither one of them want to see you in pain, so your heart ache, see a river a tears that they caused (though out of their paws)......Let them play again together, help them play together. Bring them back together again by coming to peace with the process and lay titan to rest next to his friend. They will watch over you, and remain playing in your heart.

you can return to us, your faithful GSD friends to support you, but i think once you do this, and you know he is not alone and you know this is going to be best for you and that YOU are not alone, a little sunshine will start to light up again each passing day


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## LAM

I just read (through tears) your whole thread. There's no doubting the love you and your family shared for your cherished Titan and Nikka. The pictures of Titan are wonderful and show how handsome and yes, regal-looking he was. I wish all dogs could have such a loving family.

I'm sorry you lost Titan so suddenly. What a shock it must have been to be playing with him one minute and the next to be bringing him to the emergency vet. Life seems so unfair sometimes. 

Kaiya is adorable. I'm glad that you have her and that she has you.

I'm at the beginning (July 19) of the grieving process and have not yet come to terms that my girl, Heidi, is no longer with me. She, like your Titan, was my "heart dog". I called her my "dream dog". I can't imagine living without a dog, however, I want Heidi to be that dog. She was perfect to me - beautiful, smart, funny. All I had to do was look into her eyes to feel instant peace. I always told her that I was honored to have her in my life.

When we got the call to pick up Heidi's ashes, I couldn't go. I sat in the farthest corner of the house, away from the driveway so I wouldn't see my husband drive out or back in. Like you, I asked my husband to put them somewhere in the house and not tell me where. Maybe someday I'll want to look at "the box", although I don't see that day coming any time soon. 

I feel like I'm in a fog. It takes so much effort to make it into work each day. I am very surprised I've been able to do it.



> God, he was SO beautiful and SO regal....I'd give ANYTHING to be able to run my hands through his fur just one more time....


Oh how I wish I could put my face against Heidi's and feel her fur and those big beautiful ears. How can it be that she's gone?

The memorial in your yard is really beautiful and a fitting tribute to your beloved friends.

Thinking of you and wishing you and your family the strength to get through these difficult days.

Take care,
Lynn (Below, some pics of my girl.)


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## Doubleyolk

My sincere condolences for your loss.


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## Anjulian

Your beloved dog, is at peace with his friend, free from pain and free to roam. Cuddle Kaiya, who will be your guardian angel. Through her you will get some relief. Grieve as you will, but let it happen sooner, rather than later. Look after yourself and the others in your family. Hugs Julie


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## CaliBoy

PiedPiper: What a gorgeous memorial you made for Nikka. I hope God gives you the strength soon to be able to place Titan in that beautiful resting place. When I lost my girl, she was not cremated so she had to immediately be interred. I still remember how much I wanted to crawl in the grave, lay on top of her, and tell my family, "okay, just shovel the dirt on top of me too, because I want to be dead, with her." As you take flowers, or toys, or mementos, and lay them on the ground, it is heart-rending, all over again, but it is also helpful to just let the tears flow.

Lynn: It breaks my heart to read about your Heidi. Her eyes are haunting me. Even your photos have captured something of her spirit. You have joined a club now that none of us ever wanted to be part of--the club of those who have lost that once in a lifetime dog. I wish I had the words to share that would bring some sort of comfort, but I know from experience that in these first weeks and months, there are no words that do the trick, there is nothing that comforts, or makes that "fog" go away.

Like PiedPiper, I am wishing and praying that those around you give you lots of hugs, and just let you take as much time as you need to be in sorrow and grief.


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## LAM

Thanks, CaliBoy, for your kind words.....

Lynn


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## PiedPiperInKC

LAM said:


> I just read (through tears) your whole thread. There's no doubting the love you and your family shared for your cherished Titan and Nikka. The pictures of Titan are wonderful and show how handsome and yes, regal-looking he was. I wish all dogs could have such a loving family.
> 
> I'm sorry you lost Titan so suddenly. What a shock it must have been to be playing with him one minute and the next to be bringing him to the emergency vet. Life seems so unfair sometimes.
> 
> Kaiya is adorable. I'm glad that you have her and that she has you.
> 
> I'm at the beginning (July 19) of the grieving process and have not yet come to terms that my girl, Heidi, is no longer with me. She, like your Titan, was my "heart dog". I called her my "dream dog". I can't imagine living without a dog, however, I want Heidi to be that dog. She was perfect to me - beautiful, smart, funny. All I had to do was look into her eyes to feel instant peace. I always told her that I was honored to have her in my life.
> 
> When we got the call to pick up Heidi's ashes, I couldn't go. I sat in the farthest corner of the house, away from the driveway so I wouldn't see my husband drive out or back in. Like you, I asked my husband to put them somewhere in the house and not tell me where. Maybe someday I'll want to look at "the box", although I don't see that day coming any time soon.
> 
> I feel like I'm in a fog. It takes so much effort to make it into work each day. I am very surprised I've been able to do it.
> 
> Oh how I wish I could put my face against Heidi's and feel her fur and those big beautiful ears. How can it be that she's gone?
> 
> The memorial in your yard is really beautiful and a fitting tribute to your beloved friends.
> 
> Thinking of you and wishing you and your family the strength to get through these difficult days.
> 
> Take care,
> Lynn (Below, some pics of my girl.)


I am so sorry for your loss...and thank you for sharing your story with me.

Wow, it sounds like we are handling our grief very similarly. It was 8 weeks ago today that I lost my beautiful boy. Still don't know where those ashes are in my house - still haven't ordered his stepping stone so I can bury him next to Nikka before the weather changes. It's so weird when people come up to me at the dog park to ask about Kaiya. They start giving me advice/guidance about GSD's...like it must be my first one. Every time I tell them why she's here and how this 'isn't my first rodeo with a GSD". It always shocks them. The story gets told a lot!

Anyway, thank you again and unfortunately, I very much feel and understand your pain!


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## marielrowland

PiedPiper I'm so sorry for both your terrible losses & how quickly together you've had to endure those two losses. Thanks so much for sharing your difficult journey. I admire your strength & endurance. 

I've had many human & animal losses in my life. As difficult as it is losing our beloved pets I do feel that it in some way helps to teach & prepare us for the other losses of our human family we will endure. I don't know if this is something anyone else would agree with or not but it has helped me.

Again I'm so sorry for your loss of Nikka & Titan. Take your time & go with your instinct. I think you'll know when your ready.


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