# What would you do? *opinions needed!*



## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

:help::help:Sorry in advance for this being so long, but I really need to not only vent (I'm really sorry for that) but (most important) also get some opinions on what the heck I should do and if I'm thinking crazy or something. I'm really torn right now. :crazy:

My mother and I have been planning a dinner at my house for about 2 months now. They (mother and grandmother) love one of my recipes and asked if they could get me to cook it for them one night. We decided to do it at my house instead of traveling with the food. They live 30min away. So it seemed best to do it here. I love having people over, so I had no problem with that.

However, I get a call today after work (and it's been a horrible day... so I'm already emotionally edgy) that plans have changed a bit and that I have to buy more food. My mother has kept my niece and nephew until next weekend for my sister. So they will be joining her.

Although I love my sister's kids dearly and enjoy my time with them....my problem with this is my dogs, my home, and paycheck are all not very kid friendly. 

We are tight with bills this month, so more food equals stretching even tighter with finances. Kind of mad about being asked to provide for more people unexpected. 

Our house is not child proof... at all. We are not having children and my sister never really comes to Central FL with her kids... and when they do they stay at my mothers... which is where I visit them. There really was never any reason for us to be cautious with how we arrange/design our house (except for the dogs... who are no longer puppies). My SO will literally have a heart attack if anything gets broken here. Our entertainment center and furniture are extremely expensive and we've put a lot of work and money into it and our home overall. We take very good care of everything and this house is kept spotless (yes, even with dogs). 

My SO doesn't really like kids (they make him nervous I think), and I know this will be an issue. He'll do it because he knows it's what is right and also because he knows I've been looking forward to this dinner. He especially gets nervous with them here in our home. And for reasons I completely understand. His work is very stressful, and I am sure he doesn't want to come home to a loud house with kids in his face (they love him and my SO does great with them even with not really being into kids). So this is out of his comfort zone and I am sure he's going to flip his lid once I tell him the news. We just got into a bit of an argument earlier, so I'm not ready to start up the engines again tonight. 

Now we get to the issue with the dogs... and definitely my biggest concern. Zira loves kids but is FAR too wild when the kids don't know how to interact with her. She feeds off of other's energy like a flower and the sun. My niece is really no concern to me... she's older now and extremely well behaved and wonderful with the dogs and horses... she really has the touch when it comes to animals. However, my nephew has a few things that..... set him back a bit. Although he is 6, he doesn't act that way. He's adhd, and a large possibility of autism (not sure of the severity)... they are still in the midst of diagnosing and testing. So he's hard to handle at times and completely incapable of understanding some things... like... don't run up to the dogs face and grab them... or... don't scream and chase the dog. Etc. He takes a while to grab the concept and sometimes never does. Not for any fault of his own, at all! This brings up a HUGE concern with Duke. Duke does NOT like kids. He wasn't ever socialized with them in his last home and it's something we are currently working on. He doesn't understand their sounds, their movements, and their actions. It makes him nervous. Although he's not mean and has never shown signs of fear aggression, I'm obviously not going to trust him. He gets stressed just being in the same house as a few kids... hearing them run around, screaming, playing, etc. He literally makes himself sick and will stop eating for a day or two.

Now... What the heck to do I do?! These are the reasons we don't really have kids over (plus I don't know anyone with children outside of family). I am also a firm believer of this is my dogs home... if you don't like them, are not comfortable with them, or feel in any way that they should be crated the whole time you're here.... then... we should meet somewhere else. The dogs live here.... they don't. This is obviously a tough decision though. My mom and grandmother have been really looking forward to this dinner. I took the day off to clean and prepare and so on. I've already bought all the groceries (except extra chicken now). I can't cancel... but at the same time, how do I keep the peace here? Do I lock my dogs up all day? I have to clean earlier that day, so the dogs will be crated for the majority of that.... then they'll be here from 4 til probably around 10pm... and then we'll be getting ready for bed. Zira gets into the wood chips in the back, so I don't trust her unsupervised outside, and Duke will pace and stress himself out if left out back. So that's a no go.

I feel SOOOO guilty with the idea of crating them almost ALL day on one of my only days off where they are usually OUT all day. Should I be ok with this? Am I overreacting? 

With today already being terrible, I'm already frazzled and my mind is already strained to it's limit.... maybe I'm just overreacting. :crazy:

I just need some thoughts and opinions on what you all think is a good way to handle this and what you would do with your dogs in this type of situations? I really want everyone happy and to enjoy this... I love the time with my family and look forward to seeing them... but, I don't want to take that away from my dog's happiness or my SO's stress level. I can handle my part of it, but... what about the others? What should I do? :help::help:


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## GatorDog (Aug 17, 2011)

I feel for you. Aiden is also not ok with small kids.

When we have occasions like this at our house, I buy some marrow bones and bully sticks and keep him in my bedroom with a tall baby gate in front of the door and on the other side as well. Most kids understand when you tell them not to go in 'that room with the closed door' but I put the baby gates up just in case they try. Then I make sure to explain it to the parents thoroughly that my dog WILL BITE your child if he opens that door. Now Aiden has never actually bitten a child before, or even lunged, but if I tell them that he will bite then they are usually scared enough to make sure that the rules are made clear to the child and that they don't have access to that room. If they can't tolerate my 'harsh-ness' and accept my rules and boundaries, then they can't bring their kid.


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## llombardo (Dec 11, 2011)

TrickyShepherd said:


> Now... What the heck to do I do?! These are the reasons we don't really have kids over (plus I don't know anyone with children outside of family). I am also a firm believer of this is my dogs home... if you don't like them, are not comfortable with them, or feel in any way that they should be crated the whole time you're here.... then... we should meet somewhere else. The dogs live here.... they don't. This is obviously a tough decision though. My mom and grandmother have been really looking forward to this dinner. I took the day off to clean and prepare and so on. I've already bought all the groceries (except extra chicken now). I can't cancel... but at the same time, how do I keep the peace here? Do I lock my dogs up all day? I have to clean earlier that day, so the dogs will be crated for the majority of that.... then they'll be here from 4 til probably around 10pm... and then we'll be getting ready for bed. Zira gets into the wood chips in the back, so I don't trust her unsupervised outside, and Duke will pace and stress himself out if left out back. So that's a no go.
> 
> I feel SOOOO guilty with the idea of crating them almost ALL day on one of my only days off where they are usually OUT all day. Should I be ok with this? Am I overreacting?


Yes you are overreacting...take a deep breath You state that you are a firm believer that the home is the dogs and then give several reasons why. But nowhere in here does it state that someone else has a problem with your dogs or coming into your home with the dogs...its based on what YOU are feeling. It will not hurt the dogs to be crated for most of the day if that is what you choose to do, but see how they do with everyone before you make that decision. Stay calm and do not let your dogs sense your nervousness. You took the day off, so under normal circumstances they wouldn't be out that day anyway, right? There is a compromise here, I clean all the time with my dogs out...if you are feeling guilty leave them out while you clean and crate them when the guests arrive. It will work out. YOU can do this.


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## ksotto333 (Aug 3, 2011)

You're in a no-win situation, and will have to decide the lesser of options. Your mom has the kids, and obviously if she comes they come. The dogs will need kenneled. Leave them out while cleaning and preparing. Kennel when everyone is scheduled to arrive. Your other choice is to call the whole thing off at your house and take the food to your Moms. It doesn't make sense to me to leave the dogs out and risk an incident. To me it's up to you to choose since the prior plans were changed without asking your opinion.


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## rooandtree (May 13, 2012)

can you say that you thought it would be better since plans changed that you all go out somewhere and eat?


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

You were a child once. Your husband was a child once. I am sure that at some point in each of your lives there were people who had to adjust their comfort zone a little bit to accommodate that. 

Leave the dogs out while you are cleaning. Baby gate them in another room if you need to wash a floor. 

While the people are there in your home, crate the dogs. It will not kill them. Crate them next to each other and they should be quiet. What your husband does not need is to have children and dogs running amok breaking the expensive furniture. If he is nervous around the kid, the dogs might be also. Just crate them. 

Sometimes people come to your home. Sometimes you go there. 

I have no children. But if people come to my home, and they are dog people, I might leave a dog out. If not, I put the dogs where they are are safe and comfortable. 

This is your family, and life is way too short. Someday Grandma and Mom won't be around for you to invite. And suggesting that you do this at someone else's home can seriously make people feel unwelcome in yours. Life is too short. Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to be put out a bit to maintain good family relationships all around. 

Eat bread with it. Most of the time, we make plenty of food, and there is leftovers. Adding a few kids is no big deal, and people should not think it is. Put out some butter and get a nice loaf of bread, and eat bread with it. Make the same amount of everything that you were going to. 

If you were going to do something like steaks -- individual pieces of meat, do steaks and burgers, by less steak and make burgers too. Cut the steaks in half. A full size steak is really too much meat anyway. Kids generally don't care for it anyway. Chicken breast too -- too big, cut those bad babies in half and then fry or bake. Don't make extra food, put a loaf of bread out and encourage eating bread with it by putting a slice of bread and butter on your plate.


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## llombardo (Dec 11, 2011)

selzer said:


> This is your family, and life is way too short. Someday Grandma and Mom won't be around for you to invite.


:thumbup: This is SO true. Since I have recently lost both my grandma and mom, this really hits home.


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## Freestep (May 1, 2011)

TrickyShepherd said:


> I am also a firm believer of this is my dogs home... if you don't like them, are not comfortable with them, or feel in any way that they should be crated the whole time you're here.... then... we should meet somewhere else. The dogs live here.... they don't. This is obviously a tough decision though. My mom and grandmother have been really looking forward to this dinner. I took the day off to clean and prepare and so on. I've already bought all the groceries (except extra chicken now). I can't cancel... but at the same time, how do I keep the peace here? Do I lock my dogs up all day?


In a word, yes.

Your dogs will survive. 

You will survive.

Your family will appreciate it.

My opinion--and I admit, it sucks--you're going to have to make an exception to the "If you don't like my dogs, I don't want you here" rule in order to keep the peace.

I do sympathize with you. I think it was pretty rotten to have this sprung on you, and I feel the same way about kids that you do--my home is nowhere near child-proof, in fact it's a veritable kiddie death trap, and I am VERY uncomfortable with children here. However, I have to swallow that and deal from time to time, as our friends are all having babies like it's going out of style and my husband lets them come over.

I just tell my friends, "Our property is not at all child-proof; PLEASE keep a close watch on your kids while they are here." And I pray that they will. But I still have nightmares about children getting hurt and myself getting sued.

The other day, we had a "baby goat" party (we have goats, and when there are cute babies, we round them up and invite friends to watch their antics) and my friend's toddler son ate some goat poop. Fortunately these friends are very practical and easygoing and just thought it was funny (and so did I, because the kid had an evil grin while he did it). I did give them fair warning!

After this is all over and done with, tell your mom to *ask* next time before she decides to bring extra people and/or children to your house. Explain to her your dillemma with the children, the dogs, and the finances. She may say you are overreacting. So what if you are? You still get to have ground rules, and the rules are, she needs to get YOUR permission before inviting others to your home. If she can't abide by that, then your home is off limits to visit. You'll still happily attend get-togethers at her house, but you aren't going to host.

I'm not comfortable hosting either, but I do it from time to time because my husband insists on having friends over. We all have to negotiate these things, and sometimes make sacrifices to keep the peace with family and friends.

As to the dogs, maybe take them for a long walk early in the day so they've been exercised and are nice and tired.


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## doggiedad (Dec 2, 2007)

crate the dogs and take them out often. put the dogs in
another room and make sure they can't get out. the old
"it's my dogs house also. they live here. if you don't like
it don't visit" only goes so far. the dogs are going to be fine 
being contained for a few hours. enjoy dinner. what's for dessert?


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## fuzzybunny (Apr 29, 2011)

selzer said:


> You were a child once. Your husband was a child once. I am sure that at some point in each of your lives there were people who had to adjust their comfort zone a little bit to accommodate that.
> 
> Leave the dogs out while you are cleaning. Baby gate them in another room if you need to wash a floor.
> 
> ...


Great advice!


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

We don't own a baby gate, dogs push through them with ease and Zira will eat my entire room if left for 5min. by herself. So, they will have to be kenneled while I clean for a few hours, and during dinner.

Just want to clear this up though: I never said I was going to risk leaving them out. I wouldn't risk anyone, let alone a child.. and definitely never my family. When it comes to my sister's son, I am sure Duke will bite him. So I will not risk that. He doesn't act like a normal child his age and can be very stressful for someone who's not familiar with him. He will have to literally have someone next to him at all times because he doesn't understand how to stay out of rooms... which is why I can't leave Duke loose in a room either. I am afraid he'll go in and stick his hand through the crate (he's done it before with Zira... even after his mother repeating herself 50x, and being put in time out, and so on.... before we knew of his condition.) He's fast and quiet and I am very nervous of something happen in a blink of an eye. my doors make no noise (we oil them), and when people are over, the dogs are loud in their crate anyways.

So yes, I do have a valid concern there (I may be overreacting about the other things, but this is truly a concern not to be taken lightly). Especially because Duke has such a large problem with children. This is not due to how I feel, since he's never been around kids with any sort of stress coming from my SO or I. My SO is rarely with me when I work with Duke, and I have no problem with kids at all. He stops eating, vomits, and literally shuts down when kids are too rambunctious or loud around him. This is Dukes biggest weaknesses and something we are working VERY hard on. Like I said, he's never done anything aggressive... but, I still don't trust him.

As of the dinner, it's a specific recipe my mother wants, so I will have to eat the bill and buy more. No choice there... just angry at the idea of being forced to feed more people unexpectedly when she knows our pockets are empty.

As of the crate thing.... I'm glad I'm not the devil for leaving the dogs in their crates so long (or at least not the only one on here that's done so). I still feel guilty about it, and nothing will really make me feel different.... I don't like the idea. But, it is what it is. like someone else said... It's not a win win situation... just have to do the best with it that I can.


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

Selzer said everything I was contemplating saying. 

I used to be like you, then I had kids. So I understand both sides of the situation. 

One afternoon isn't going to break your dogs. They are dogs! 

Think about it this way: they have a life far, far better than many dogs out there. So one afternoon crated, in the grand scheme of things, will not take anything from the great life they have with you. 

Serve chips, dip and pretzels before the meal so the guests are not ravenous. I love the bread and butter idea. 

Crate the dogs, maybe set up the meal outside so they don't mess up your home, maybe get a kiddie pool or set up a sprinkler or a slip 'n' slide for them to play with. Hide a bunch of coins around the yard and send them on a treasure hunt. Get some paper and cheap paints and have art time. Or get glue, some cheerios, beans, rice, gummy bears, sand, pebbles, buttons, etc and have them do an art project.

You will be the coolest family member ever, the kids will not be tearing around the house, and everyone will be happy, especially the dogs when they get to come out of their crates


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

doggiedad said:


> crate the dogs and take them out often. put the dogs in
> another room and make sure they can't get out. the old
> "it's my dogs house also. they live here. if you don't like
> it don't visit" only goes so far. the dogs are going to be fine
> being contained for a few hours. enjoy dinner. what's for dessert?


Thanks for the advice. I'll be letting them outside for some time to run it out, like 10min at a time.... my family will just have to understand that. I just hope Duke doesn't go all emotional on me. 

Dessert is: Cheesecake with chocolate and strawberries! :wub: Mmmmmmmm



Freestep said:


> In a word, yes.
> 
> Your dogs will survive.
> 
> ...


Thank you! This really helped! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like I do! It's not that I'm a bad person, or that I'm uptight..... I'm just not comfortable with kids in my home. With Duke, with our extremely not kid friendly house, and with what I will have to deal with after with my SO. His job is so extremely stressful that if he can't get himself in the right mind after work.... he can be unpleasant to live with. Again, doesn't make him a bad person either. I'm just not looking forward to him being grumpy, the dog being emotional, and honestly... most of all... Not getting to spend that time with my mom and grandma. It's not the same when the kids are around and I've been excited to see them without the kids (they've been in town for almost 2 weeks). That may make me sound terrible... but, I enjoy time with my mother without her running after kids, having to tweak our conversations, and without having nightmares of my dog doing something bad. I almost feel like I've not lost this quality time with my folks. It's not that I don't love my sister's kids, or that I do not want the time with them.... I just wasn't expecting this, wasn't prepared, and was truly looking forward to time with just my mother and grandmother. We don't get these opportunities often. If it was asked ahead of time, I doubt it would have been an issue. I would have asked a friend to take the dogs... or at the very least have paid my trainer to at least keep Duke for the day. This way I could rest my mind.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

Sunflowers said:


> Selzer said everything I was contemplating saying.
> 
> I used to be like you, then I had kids. So I understand both sides of the situation.
> 
> ...


Great ideas! Thank you!


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

Also... do you have anyone you know who would be willing to come over and help entertain the kids?

A bucket of water with a little soap and lots of kitchen utensils is a hit around here. Cups, measuring cups, a sieve... or you can mix flour with water and have them make "bread." The trick with kids is to keep them occupied.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

Sunflowers said:


> Also... do you have anyone you know who would be willing to come over and help entertain the kids?


No, unfortunately I don't. My sister in law probably would, but I know her and my brother are super busy with their farm and live a pretty good distance from us.... I doubt she'll be able to come over for a few hours to play with the kids.

To make matters worse... yesterday we started painting.... so now half of my house is off limits! Since I found out today about this, I'm trying to rush the guest bathroom. :crazy:


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## Cassidy's Mom (Mar 30, 2003)

TrickyShepherd said:


> As of the dinner, it's a specific recipe my mother wants, so I will have to eat the bill and buy more. No choice there... just angry at the idea of being forced to feed more people unexpectedly when she knows our pockets are empty.


Why can't you ask her to kick in some money towards the additional food? SHE invited them, SHE should pay for them if you can't afford to. After all, you're being gracious enough to entertain everyone in your home, and do all the work of cooking and cleaning that that entails.


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## Freestep (May 1, 2011)

TrickyShepherd said:


> That may make me sound terrible... but, I enjoy time with my mother without her running after kids, having to tweak our conversations, and without having nightmares of my dog doing something bad. I almost feel like I've not lost this quality time with my folks. It's not that I don't love my sister's kids, or that I do not want the time with them.... I just wasn't expecting this, wasn't prepared, and was truly looking forward to time with just my mother and grandmother. We don't get these opportunities often.


I know. But what can you do? Drink some wine, take everything in stride, and plan a later get-together with just your mom and grandma. It will be okay! Remember to breathe. I don't think you sound terrible.

You want to talk about terrible, I'm the Queen of Terrible in my family. I don't really like big get-togethers, I don't like hosting, don't like kids, don't like unexpected visitors. I too get grumpy and stressed after work and the last thing I want to do is socialize, let alone host. But sometimes in life we just have to suck it up and make the best of it. This too shall pass.



> If it was asked ahead of time, I doubt it would have been an issue. I would have asked a friend to take the dogs... or at the very least have paid my trainer to at least keep Duke for the day. This way I could rest my mind.


Do you still have that option? Whatever you can do to help put your mind at ease and relieve some of the stress, you should do. Maybe you can board him somewhere for the evening.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

Cassidy's Mom said:


> Why can't you ask her to kick in some money towards the additional food? SHE invited them, SHE should pay for them if you can't afford to. After all, you're being gracious enough to entertain everyone in your home, and do all the work of cooking and cleaning that that entails.


Very true.
I know I should. It's logical, reasonable, and what would almost be expected. I'm just caught between rock and a hard place with that. Having a mental war with myself whether to ask or not. My mom is in some financial strain (who isn't these days?!) and in the middle of trying to sell her house, and we help her out often when we can. I feel like she would probably agree to do that, BUT.... I don't know how much strain that puts on her.. especially because she does support my grandmother who's now been in the hospital 4x in a row. It's probably a lot worse for her then it would be on us. I don't want to make her have anymore strain then she already has. 

That doesn't take away the fact that, naturally, I'm angry with having this shoved on me last minute. Not 100% mad at her... just mad at the situation.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

Freestep said:


> I know. But what can you do? Drink some wine, take everything in stride, and plan a later get-together with just your mom and grandma. It will be okay! Remember to breathe. I don't think you sound terrible.
> 
> You want to talk about terrible, I'm the Queen of Terrible in my family. I don't really like big get-togethers, I don't like hosting, don't like kids, don't like unexpected visitors. I too get grumpy and stressed after work and the last thing I want to do is socialize, let alone host. But sometimes in life we just have to suck it up and make the best of it. This too shall pass.
> 
> ...


Lol.. somewhat sounds like me. Except, I do enjoy having people over. Though, not unexpected and certainly not something I don't feel comfortable with. I can't help it, I'm OCD with my house. I grew up that way, my mother is the same way with her house. We used to have to make our beds perfect every morning, never leave a dish in the sink, and make sure whatever mess we made was cleaned up immediately after we were done. I like everything being where I put it, and how I cleaned it. It's stressful having things broken, or moved everywhere... or taken. I know people are probably thinking "how did she EVER get through puppyhood!" lol. In fact, in all my years of having dogs, I've never had any problem with this. I love having puppies! When we have them... I puppy proof the entire house before they are brought home. Top to bottom! My dogs are old enough now to understand the rules.... puppy proofing was taken away.

I'll have to speak with my trainer tomorrow during class... see how much he'd charge me for Monday and see if that's even available with short notice. I know he has a few dogs in boarding at the moment. I wont be able to leave them with friends since the only two I trust with them are busy and an hour away. So I'll have to see how that turns out tomorrow... if not, I'm sure they'll understand I need 10min every once in a while to let the dogs run outside. That's really the best I can do with them staying here.


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## Liesje (Mar 4, 2007)

My in-laws visit overnight a few times a year and don't really like my dogs. When we're inside, I keep them outside, and when we're outside, I crate them inside. If the weather is nice (not hot) I often keep them crated in my van for a few hours. Yes it's my house and their (the dogs') house but the in-laws are family too and some people just don't like dogs/GSDs. I'd rather keep the peace by keeping them out of the way for a day or two than trying to change their minds (which won't happen).


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

Cassidy's Mom said:


> Why can't you ask her to kick in some money towards the additional food? SHE invited them, SHE should pay for them if you can't afford to. After all, you're being gracious enough to entertain everyone in your home, and do all the work of cooking and cleaning that that entails.


Being unemployed has its advantages, I could get away with this at this point without making my family feel I am balking, being unwelcoming, etc. I have never done so though because I will go without seriously rather than make my family feel like I don't want them there, and that is how my family would take that.

If the house is spotless, and the furniture is expensive, asking for help with paying for the food, just isn't going to go over well in my opinion. There is NOTHING wrong with having nice things and taking care of them, saving for them, and being careful with money, but if there are two extra people -- one of them a six year old child, I am sorry I just couldn't see myself asking a guest to fork over because the food is now going to cost that much more. 

That being said, I am single and my house is not child proof. In fact, right now with puppies, I have females in the house that might not take kindly to children who are certainly not over often enough to make me feel comfortable with them. 

But then I wanted the kids there, and brought them there to socialize with the puppies. Usually their mom is with them, but I was babysitting them on the fourth so I was on my own. 

This meant having the kids (both are five) out front with the puppies, while I am running in and out carrying the puppies out, and then carrying them in again. No other adults around. And it was HOT, so when Elena looked good and rosy, I dragged all the puppies one by one back in, (there's a stray dog next door that might bother the puppies if they are out there on their own; with the kids in the pen with them, and me watching out for the stray who I would have nailed with the hot garden hose in a heart beat, they were ok while I was transferring). I kept them in the study (with the air conditioner) and accompanied them past the girls' areas to get to the bathroom. I let them feed the girls' treats with me right there, and I brought Bear out to let Analisa meet her, but the whole time I had both girls under constant vigilent supervision, because if something were to happen, and I have no reason to believe that it will, but had it, I couldn't take it back. 

I truly understand not feeling comfortable with kids in the house. If I had a good reason to believe that it was not a good idea for the child to be near one or both dogs, I wouldn't leave it to the parents to watch their kid. I would lock a door if necessary or I would be paying 100% attention to that kid, and know exactly where he is at all times. I probably would explain that the one dog is not good with kids, so I need to make sure he is kept safe. If you have a basement, that would be ideal. Buy a lock for the basement door, crate the dogs downstairs, or if possible give them the run of the basement, and lock that door with a key. You are not only protecting the kid from the dog, you are protecting the dog from the kid. If the kids actions cause a reaction, then it is always possible that the dog will be the one to suffer the consequences. I am glad you are planning on keeping them contained, but it sounds like simple crating might not be good enough. 

If you feel really guilty, buy your dogs an antler/bone/bully stick and give it to them just before the people come. You shouldn't feel guilty, but having them busily working on a favorite, long lasting treat, might make you feel happier about the whole thing.


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## LARHAGE (Jul 24, 2006)

Ok, this is how I feel, I too have no children and live alone with my dogs and horses, my siblings have children that visit and one of my nieces is mentally disabled, she's 5 with the IQ of a 10 month old, she is perpetual motion and has no concept of right or wrong . I too have very exspensive porcelain horse statues as I collect carousel horses. However, these are still just inanimate objects, not that they don't mean the world to me, it's just that I today would give ANYTHING I own to be able to have dinner with my Mother or Grandmother again, I would gladly be inconvenienced for a day. 

I use to put all my Porcelains in my bedroom and anything else delicate or of value. If you can place all your valuable breakable items out of reach of the children, buy them something different and inexpensive to eat, kids love different things to eat, buy some soup bones for your dogs, freeze them and give them to them in their crates away from the kids to enjoy in peace, one day of crating or inconvenience is not going to bother them. I feel you should put your Mother and Grandmother first, believe me, one day you will look back and cherish these moments with them.


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## lorihd (Nov 30, 2011)

pack up your breakables and buy a box of kraft macaroni and cheese (kids love this) and its about $2.00. i would leave the dogs in the crate and not worry too much about it. let it go (they will be just fine) and enjoy your family. if its nice out i would buy some bubbles, even at the age of 5, kids love bubbles and that will cost about $1. buy a loaf of bread (already suggested), everyone loves that. again let the inconvienience go and relax and dont forget to enjoy yourself. if hubby is upset, thats too bad, this is your family. good luck


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

Yeah, and hot dogs are a hit with kids, too. Especially mine because I rarely let them eat them, LOL!


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## Twyla (Sep 18, 2011)

Are the dog crates in a separate room? Hang bells or something on the door that will alert you if it is opened. Especially with your nephew so quiet and quick when he moves, it may help you relax a tiny bit at least.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

selzer said:


> If the house is spotless, and the furniture is expensive, asking for help with paying for the food, just isn't going to go over well in my opinion. There is NOTHING wrong with having nice things and taking care of them, saving for them, and being careful with money, but if there are two extra people -- one of them a six year old child, I am sorry I just couldn't see myself asking a guest to fork over because the food is now going to cost that much more.
> 
> That being said, I am single and my house is not child proof. In fact, right now with puppies, I have females in the house that might not take kindly to children who are certainly not over often enough to make me feel comfortable with them.
> 
> ...


If my mother was not having a financial struggle and was doing just fine... honestly, I would not at ALL feel bad about asking to cover part of the dinner for the two guests she self invited and threw into the mix without asking knowing that I am straining to provide her choice of dinner and hosting them here (the rest of the week my SO and I are on very simple meals and I will not be getting lunch at work). Yes we have nice cars, a decent home, nice furniture.. etc... however, this has taken a LOT of work on both of our parts and definitely not an easy "throw our money everywhere". So to be judged on that and whether that makes us have to foot the entire bill for every person who runs over our bank account(not saying my mother is doing this.. I know that's not her intention.).... well, honestly that is a bit silly. Once I got out of college, I was working 14-16hr days 6 days a week. I had no life. I saved up a bit, and that's how I afforded some of the things we have. My SO worked since he was 16, through college, and got a career right out of college.... he too, is at work 10-12hr days and a good 35% of his weekends each month. We have tight months just like everyone else... and to be honest, this month is VERY tight... How is that fair for me (because of my home, material items, and investments) to be spread thin even more? We worked for that, and were very smart with how we used it... no one helped us.

Like I said, my mother is going through rough times, so I can't morally ask her to pay for anything. However, I don't see myself as being expected to cater to whatever uninvited guests tag along. And this way past this occasion. I'm sorry, I don't self invite... and if I did want to bring someone along, I would ask and certainly compensate any inconvenience that guest may cause. If my host were short on money, I would certainly not expect them to foot the bill for my tag along. That's just my opinion though... others can differ on that all they want. There's no right and wrong with that, just opinions. I respect yours, just definitely differ.

As of going further then crating. Honestly, if my trainer can't take him... there's nothing I can do more then that. I live in FL, meaning no basement. My doors are lock from inside only..... if I was to lock it... no way to get back in without spending 10-20min trying to pick it with a broken hanger (and that's not a 100% guarantee). All of our room doors are off the main hallway, no way to keep him further back. I didn't make this decision to risk anything (In fact, I purposely stay FAR away from that), and locking them up in the crates in their room is the best I can do last minute. If it's not enough.... I couldn't even tell ya what is. 

At the moment, the plan is to keep them in the crate with 10min run breaks every 2 hours or so. Picking up anything that is easy to move. We'll figure out something to amuse the kids. I may call my sister tomorrow for some ideas... especially since she is pretty good at doing that at home every day with them. I think that's decent for last minute?

I've already explained to my mother the concern and voiced to her VERY clearly that he is to NOT be out of our sight. The bathroom in right next to the dog's room.. someone will have to walk him there and back to make sure he doesn't get any further plans along the way. I don't see my dog as a high risk, but I'm not one to even take a chance with a small risk when it comes to my dogs and with anyones kids. I'm not comfortable with this at all... but, it is what it is... I'm trying to make the best of it and plan around the unexpected portions to the top of my ability. Hopefully, everything turns out well and we all have a good time.



[email protected] said:


> pack up your breakables and buy a box of kraft macaroni and cheese (kids love this) and its about $2.00. i would leave the dogs in the crate and not worry too much about it. let it go (they will be just fine) and enjoy your family. if its nice out i would buy some bubbles, even at the age of 5, kids love bubbles and that will cost about $1. buy a loaf of bread (already suggested), everyone loves that. again let the inconvienience go and relax and dont forget to enjoy yourself. if hubby is upset, thats too bad, this is your family. good luck



Thanks for the advice.

I told him just a bit ago. He isn't thrilled, but he'll get over it. He understands where I come from on this, so he supports my plans. We just had his parents here last weekend, and they are not exactly a piece of cake for me to please (and I have to hear "when are kids in the making?" every few hours).... So I guess I am allowed 1 day of him having to do something he's not so excited about. lol


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

When is this happening? Could I take him for the day, you think? 
Will be down there on Monday for a week.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

Sunflowers said:


> Yeah, and hot dogs are a hit with kids, too. Especially mine because I rarely let them eat them, LOL!


Lol! Sounds like my dogs! 



Twyla said:


> Are the dog crates in a separate room? Hang bells or something on the door that will alert you if it is opened. Especially with your nephew so quiet and quick when he moves, it may help you relax a tiny bit at least.


Yeah, they have their own room with their crates and supplies. That's a good idea with the bells.... I *think* we may have some puppy collars and such with bells that I can hook together... (Zira was a naughty puppy, I always got her bells to know where she was at all times...) I'll have to dig up the puppy stuff from around the house. If not, my mom may have some... she's into crafts with my grandmother.

Thanks!


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## Dainerra (Nov 14, 2003)

but they aren't uninvited guests, they are children and FAMILY. Plans changed and they are going to be staying longer with their grandmother. She wants to bring them along to a family dinner at their aunt's house. 
Honestly, there is no way you can say ANYTHING without making some pretty huge waves in the family. There are cheap and easy ways to increase food, like the bread suggestion. (Why do you think Olive Garden urges everyone to get the unlimited breadsticks?)


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

Something is very wrong somewhere when two college educated people who have no children and are working over-time, cannot afford to provide a meal for a teenage girl and a six year old boy. 

Sometimes, when you really don't want to do a thing, it is better to just say so and cancel, because if people are unwelcome, they will feel unwelcome. 

Being childless, my nieces are the ones that will be coming to visit me when I am in the home. I better be nice to them now. Coming from a large family, we never ate very expensively, but if there were extras to feed, friends or extended family that showed up at dinner time, the food always stretched, we were never hungry. And neither of my parents finished high school until I was in high school, and I graduated from college with each of them.

They wouldn't dream of complaining about feeding a couple of children.


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## bocron (Mar 15, 2009)

Honestly? Put the dogs in crates, if they aren't puppies they can survive the day. I don't know what this special meal is you are making, but just add to it as others have suggested. Get a Stouffers Mac n Cheese, (this is all the younger one will probably eat anyway) add some bread and get some good before dinner munchies. Kids will snack away on goldfish and fresh grapes. I host people constantly and I have learned which kids are good eaters and which are wasters (fill the plate, take 2 bites and throw it out), so I do NOT allow kids to serve themselves. I always ask which they want, then I serve a small amount and tell them they are more than welcome to seconds if they decide they like it (I'm not challenging them to finish it and sound like an ogre, I'm giving them them the option of not liking it, I don't care).
Do not spend the money boarding the dog with the trainer, this will just cause you to resent the visit for sure.


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## chelle (Feb 1, 2009)

I do totally understand where you are coming from, on about 12 different levels.

My house was always the house the family gathered at -- and I was always the one who purchased the food, did the majority of the cooking, arranged everything, etc. Some of the other women helped with cooking, but it was almost too stressful -- TOO many women in the kitchen sort of thing.

It might not have been *so* bad, but they'd always bring their dogs along, too! And they lived a mile or so away!? Huh? So in the middle of the chaos of trying to put together a large meal, there are tons of dogs running around all over. They didn't manage them, just let them run. Yet, when I go to their homes with my dog(s), my dog(s) are expected to be perfect or they are reprimanded - and not always in a kind way at all. It is the strangest dynamic. They let their dogs jump all over the place, all over me, but if *mine* lose their manners and do the same, they're met with some pretty harsh physical actions.

The gatherings are no longer at my home. I'm tired of it. The gatherings are at others' homes now. I don't bring my dogs generally and I leave early because I'm not willing to sacrifice my dogs being crated overly long. If I do bring my dog, I absolutely ensure he is completely well mannered. Tethered to my side, if necessary. 

Sorry to ramble, but I do totally understand where you're coming from.


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

chelle said:


> They let their dogs jump all over the place, all over me, but if *mine* lose their manners and do the same, they're met with some pretty harsh physical actions.


Let me guess...they have small dogs.


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## chelle (Feb 1, 2009)

Sunflowers said:


> Let me guess...they have small dogs.


Ha, good guess! Accurate one as well. The worst offender of the jumping is a 10 pounder. Sweet baby, I love her dearly, but the owners are full victim to the "my dog is little, so it is ok that she jumps" syndrome.


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## Twyla (Sep 18, 2011)

What is the recipe? Perhaps there are some side dishes that would help stretch it that you haven't thought about.


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

Twyla said:


> What is the recipe? Perhaps there are some side dishes that would help stretch it that you haven't thought about.


Yeah, what is this special dish? I am getting the midnight munchies here....

:crazy:


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

chelle said:


> Ha, good guess! Accurate one as well. The worst offender of the jumping is a 10 pounder. Sweet baby, I love her dearly, but the owners are full victim to the "my dog is little, so it is ok that she jumps" syndrome.


Ha. Knew it. My parents had little terriers who were the most obnoxious things on earth. When I turned away from the jumping, LOUD yapping and clawing, they actually got offended because "They want to say hi and show you love!" 

They always said my well behaved Peke was that way because of his genetics. 

Yeah. OK.


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## codmaster (Aug 5, 2009)

selzer said:


> You were a child once. Your husband was a child once. I am sure that at some point in each of your lives there were people who had to adjust their comfort zone a little bit to accommodate that.
> 
> Leave the dogs out while you are cleaning. Baby gate them in another room if you need to wash a floor.
> 
> ...


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

Dainerra said:


> but they aren't uninvited guests, they are children and FAMILY. Plans changed and they are going to be staying longer with their grandmother. She wants to bring them along to a family dinner at their aunt's house.
> Honestly, there is no way you can say ANYTHING without making some pretty huge waves in the family. There are cheap and easy ways to increase food, like the bread suggestion. (Why do you think Olive Garden urges everyone to get the unlimited breadsticks?)


I don't plan on saying anything and never did... expect for explaining my concerns that are extremely valid when it comes to the child's well being, and my dog's future. It's something I don't feel comfortable with, and I don't feel I am unjustified for those reasons.



selzer said:


> Something is very wrong somewhere when two college educated people who have no children and are working over-time, cannot afford to provide a meal for a teenage girl and a six year old boy.
> 
> Sometimes, when you really don't want to do a thing, it is better to just say so and cancel, because if people are unwelcome, they will feel unwelcome.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry, but I don't see how everyone follows the same flow chart. Don't speak where you don't know. Life isn't always 2+2=4. If you MUST know why this is so crazy to imagine having financial hardships.. I shall explain some.... 

First, let me clarify.... I didn't get to finish my degree... I needed to come home my junior year due to my family needing me (sickness/death, financial, etc) and some other personal issues. Looking to finish soon... but, no, I'm not a college grad and I work in retail making minimum wage. No benefits, no insurance. Before I worked with show horses as a groom, barn hand, exercise rider, and assisted my coach with sales horse training. I made good money at that... which is where my savings came from (along with my job in HS). I literally worked myself into the ground, but loved every minute of it. I would have gone somewhere great with that, but... moved back to Central FL and lost that opportunity. Now I do the best I can to care for myself, my SO, our life together, and my dogs. On top of that, ensure my mother makes her bills.

My SO does have a career, yes. He did graduate college with a bachelors. And once we can, will be going back for a degree in engineering. Yes, he makes decent money. He works very hard.

However, we are also 23 and 25. I think we've accomplished a lot for our age. We own our house, we have our new cars (which up until my car literally died 2 months ago, I had an old beater car), we have stock that is doing well, we have our dogs who we do everything for, and we keep this house running on our own without any aid from the government, our parents, or any extra help. This was all earned... and it did come at a cost.

Normally, we have a good cushion under us. However, something I don't really share... my SO is a heart patient. As a small baby he not only had a heart attack, but at 4 years old, he had a stroke. Luckily he was able to relearn to talk and walk, and go along with life as normal (so it seems to others). Though, he was also born with his heart completely opposite of normal. He had open heart surgery at 6 years old to put in an artificial valve and 18 years old to add his pacer. His pacer is there to keep things going normal, and he's on a medication to keep everything leveled out. 

Early this year we not only had emergencies with the dogs (last minute spay, injury, and then also regular shots and such), we also had him rushed to NJ to have his pacer battery changed (it was giving him issues 10months before it was scheduled to be changed), and they had to fix a few things. This surgery alone was around 150k (there was also a few complications, which lead to a few more days of hospital care). He has good insurance, but we still had to fork over 10k. 

I'm not even getting into my health this year... but, that's been very expensive as well, and very stressful with a very unclear diagnosis.

After this we also had my old car fall apart... I put in 2k for repairs just within a few months. It started in AGAIN with issues, and this is when we went to the dealership. I now pay less in insurance, and no repairs.. AND I have room for my dogs now.... worked out great. Saves money in the end.

With all of this... we ARE like everyone else. Real Estate market is messed up, gas is going up, living expenses are high, we have bills, we have our own health care, and the dogs... as well a few dollars if we want to go out on a date every once in a while. Nothing crazy about that. We work hard to make sure everything is taken care of and don't regret any bit of it. Everyone is happy, and we make it work... that's all that matters.

I don't think any of this matters anyways.... We make our bills work every month with no assistance, we take the best care of our pets, and have no problem doing so. This month is tight, yes... but that has nothing to do with affording to take care of others unexpectedly. I did this dinner to cheer my mother and grandmother up... knew it would help, which is why I put money aside to assure of this happening... and her favorite meal instead of something cheap. 

Hopefully that answers your confusion. If not, I apologize, we do the best we can with what we have, I don't feel the need to explain myself any further with our finances. And I do the best I can for my loved ones. Just because I am not comfortable with children in my home for valid reasons... doesn't make me a bad person. I care about my family, and always made sure I never risked anything with them.... this makes me uncomfortable because now, I have to make it work a little too close to comfort for me. But, yet... stuck in a rock and a hard place to make everyone happy.


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## arycrest (Feb 28, 2006)

TrickyShepherd said:


> ...
> As of the dinner, it's a specific recipe my mother wants, so I will have to eat the bill and buy more. No choice there... just angry at the idea of being forced to feed more people unexpectedly when she knows our pockets are empty.
> ...


Can you have a frank discussion with your mother, explain that money is tight, and ask her to reschedule dinner to another date when it's just her and your grandmother?


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## codmaster (Aug 5, 2009)

So are you more upset with the expense of two extra kids? (WHATEVER THAT AMOUNT COMES TO AND i GOT TO SAY THAT IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT IS TOO MUCH BUT THAT MAY BE A RELATIVE THING OF COURSE) (excuse the caps - slip of the finger and not intrended but too lazy to retype)

OR are you more upset about your mother coming to dinner and inviting two of your relatives to your house w/o asking you first? BTWE, would/could you have said "No" if she had asked you? 

And with the upset that the kids might cause because your dogs evidently don't get along with the kids?

Sounds like you resent the kids upsetting your dogs and the added expense is an excuse, justification/rationalization?

Deciding this might help with your response to it?

Won't hurt the dogs to be kept in another room for a while. mAYBE THE ONE CAN BE OUT FOR A WHILE ANYWAY.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

Twyla said:


> What is the recipe? Perhaps there are some side dishes that would help stretch it that you haven't thought about.


Stuffed steak (kids will just be reg. small steaks though), sweet potato fries, and broccoli. Dessert is cheesecake with chocolate and strawberries. With the suggestions here... I will probably add a loaf of french bread and butter before the meal, while we're sitting around talking. (as we ALWAYS do for hours regardless of original plans, lol)

Potatoes are not too pricey, and neither is broccoli, so I'm not very concerned there. Just with the steak. But, I think if I get two very small ones, I should be fine. The kids love steak and rarely get it (my sister HATES steak and doesn't like to cook it). So I would feel bad giving them something else. They're old enough to know the difference... lol.



chelle said:


> I do totally understand where you are coming from, on about 12 different levels.
> 
> My house was always the house the family gathered at -- and I was always the one who purchased the food, did the majority of the cooking, arranged everything, etc. Some of the other women helped with cooking, but it was almost too stressful -- TOO many women in the kitchen sort of thing.
> 
> ...


Oh yeah.. it's frustrating alright! My mother loves my dogs and they are so well behaved there, it's never an issue. I usually leave them home, but she begs me to bring them. I think after 2 of our family goldens passed away in the past year, she's a bit lonely with out the multiple young spirited dogs. She still has the one golden, but he's old and sleeps a lot. As of my other family's homes.... nah, I leave them home. Not worth it.


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## Sunflowers (Feb 17, 2012)

TrickyShepherd said:


> Stuffed steak (kids will just be reg. small steaks though), sweet potato fries, and broccoli. Dessert is cheesecake with chocolate and strawberries.


Mmmmm! I'll be right over!  With a food contribution, of course...


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

codmaster said:


> So are you more upset with the expense of two extra kids? (WHATEVER THAT AMOUNT COMES TO AND i GOT TO SAY THAT IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT IS TOO MUCH BUT THAT MAY BE A RELATIVE THING OF COURSE) (excuse the caps - slip of the finger and not intrended but too lazy to retype)
> 
> OR are you more upset about your mother coming to dinner and inviting two of your relatives to your house w/o asking you first? BTWE, would/could you have said "No" if she had asked you?
> 
> ...


I have no problem with my family or the kids in my family. I do not resent them for anything. Why would I resent them? I was the first one to hold them and watch them open their eyes and look at me.... I have no negative feelings towards those kids. I just do not feel like my house is safe for children. On top of that, I also understand my SO's concerns when it comes to children here at the house, and I do respect them as well. He's explained everything to me before, and I feel no need to explain for him.

And to be fair to myself... yes, changing plans (that were graciously offered), not asking in any means just telling, and last minute to where I couldn't even plan for a better situation...... not really the best way to go around it. IF this was planned ahead of time, I could have easily planned with it, made sure the house was fine for the kids, made plans for the dogs, and ensured everything went smoothly... even with the kids. Never would have been stressful, or any need to scramble last minute.

And the problem with Zira is that with my nephew (as I stated before, he has some struggle with handling himself and comprehending instructions) She's still a young dog, very active, and a bit rough at times and missing a few screws in her brain. With him, she's gets rough and out of control (because of his energy, fast/strange actions, and lack of ability to control himself). This is why I will have her crated as well. I may take her out, but she'd have to be leashed and under an eagle eye.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

Sunflowers said:


> Mmmmm! I'll be right over!  With a food contribution, of course...


Lol! It's going to be yummy! We've all been drooling about it all week.  After this though, bad weather or not... I absolutely will HAVE to get back to running!


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## jetscarbie (Feb 29, 2008)

uh....sorry, I don't know why some are saying kids don't eat that much. Every SINGLE kid that comes over my house eats me out of groceries. 

When I'm having dinner parties and kids are over.....I avoid having sugary drinks around. You do not want kids bouncing off your walls. The bread is a great idea. I do that all the time. Are you sure your 6yr old nephew eats steak? I only ask b/c most 6 yr olds are very picky. They usually only like chicken nuggets. I know when my niece and nephew come over....I throw some chicken nuggets in the oven. They both love the sweet potato fries.

I have no toys around my house anymore (my kids are older) so I know if I don't have something for the younger ones to play with.....they will try to mess with the dogs. I usually go to the Dollar Tree and make a couple of toy bags for them. I pop the toy bags out when they start getting restless and "touchy with my stuff"

I put my dogs up when little kids come over. My niece is afraid of dogs. I usually put my dogs in my bedroom with the tv on. The dogs love spongebob. haha


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## Dainerra (Nov 14, 2003)

why not ask your mother to bring a small side dish or some french bread or whatever?

like someone else said, you don't have to ever say a word for your family to know that you are unhappy with them being there. Even something as small as a sigh when you say "I'm going to go let the dogs out for a minute" can speak volumes to the people that know you.

Believe me, I know what it's like when money is tight. And I also have family who are NOT allowed to bring their children to my house. Of course, I've told them straight out to leave the little beasts at home so that is different.

What everyone is picking up on is your apparent anger at your mother for bring "uninvited guests" She's bring 2 small children who are staying with her. It's not like she picked up 2 stray children at the mall and sprung them on you 2 hours before dinner. 

Unless the kids are giant eaters, one small steak split between the 2 of them will be plenty, adds maybe $4 to the bill. Throw in 2 small potatoes and a bit of broccoli and there you have it.

I understand the SO not liking kids mine doesn't either and we have 2 of our own. It's simply a case of put on your happy face and deal with it for a couple of hours. Go to the library and get a kid-friendly movie that they will like and let the kids watch TV while the adults visit. Again, library = free so no added expense.


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## holland (Jan 11, 2009)

I get how you are feeling -years ago we planned a family reunion-every summer I take my dogs and rent a cottage by myself-my cousin and her 4 year old daughter and I planned to rent a cottage together -my aunt called and asked if I was planning to bring the dog translation she wasn't wanted so called by cousin offered to get another cottage-but we ended up deciding to try it-her daughter played with Ror at times and really enjoyed it-but Ror jumped on her -and so everytime Ror would approach her she'd throw a fit-then my uncle gave me dog training advice-thats when the fireworks began-I left found another place-its been at least a year since we spoke-week 2 was spent with my mothers side of the family-my aunts house is small and was crowded with relatives Ror found a corner and went to sleep-she knows where she is welcome-my dogs are part of my family and their lives are short--I hope things work out for you and that you enjoy your time with your family


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## Gharrissc (May 19, 2012)

This has probably already been mentioned,but I would *TRY* leaving the dogs out when they kids were there,but put them away for a few hours when things got out of control. That may not be much help,but I haven't ran into that problem because all of our friend's who have kids have taught them how to act around animals. As far as the extra people at the last minute go,I would definitely ask if they could bring something to contribute to the dinner. That is the least they can do,and they shouldn't get mad about it.

Also having some kind of activities specifically for the kids will probably keep you sane!


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## Twyla (Sep 18, 2011)

TrickyShepherd said:


> Stuffed steak (kids will just be reg. small steaks though), sweet potato fries, and broccoli. Dessert is cheesecake with chocolate and strawberries. With the suggestions here... I will probably add a loaf of french bread and butter before the meal, while we're sitting around talking. (as we ALWAYS do for hours regardless of original plans, lol)
> 
> Potatoes are not too pricey, and neither is broccoli, so I'm not very concerned there. Just with the steak. But, I think if I get two very small ones, I should be fine. The kids love steak and rarely get it (my sister HATES steak and doesn't like to cook it). So I would feel bad giving them something else. They're old enough to know the difference... lol.


You don't say what cut of steak you are using for the stuffed steak, but for the kids, you could go with a cheaper cut. Chuck steaks are large so would be more then enough if cut in half, and when marinated, tenders up very nicely. Try zesty italian salad dressing for the marinade. And there will be dressing left to go with salads for the 2 of you the remainder of the week. For the bread, get the frozen variety, have it baking when they come in. Soften a quarter of unsalted butter and whip it up. _You have worked so hard to make this meal special_


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## Jo_in_TX (Feb 14, 2012)

I haven't read the whole thread, but here is my reply.

It's really your decision whether or not you want to have these children in your home. However, you also have to ask yourself "Do I want a long-term, close and affectionate relationship with these kids?" 

If you do, I suggest doing a little more to make your home a welcoming place for them. Kids know when they are welcome and when they aren't, adult protestations to the contrary. And they have long memories.

I think it's really sweet that want to give them steak since your sister never feeds it to them.

Maybe you could make desert with them. Make it an activity instead of having it ready. Brownies, cookies, cupcakes...no teen is too old for any of that and little kids love to help in the kitchen.


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## Gharrissc (May 19, 2012)

I wanted to add too that you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. Just relax and focus on having a good time. If you have to resort to putting your dogs up for a while,it's not the end of the world.Actually since the little boy is always in the dogs's faces,they will probably enjoy a little bit of a break from him anyway.


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## wolfstraum (May 2, 2003)

from another direction - ask your mom to host the group - you bring over the main course and prepare it there....let her contribute the sides, bread, etc....let her know that a few more people just will crowd you a bit too much for comfort, and you are concerned about the safety of your smaller nephew....

Lee


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## Stevenzachsmom (Mar 3, 2008)

Totally agree with Lee. Move the dinner to your Mom's house, or reschedule the dinner.

Why subject yourself to a lot of stress? That doesn't sound fun for anybody. Kids don't want to hang out in a non-child friendly house. They are probably much happier at your Mom's. Since your nephew has possible autism, he probably is much more comfortable with routine and structure. 

For the record, i am much worse than you. I don't like company or kids. Heck, I don't even like to cook. I don't like kids stepping on my plants in the garden. I don't like them touching my stuff. I don't like them poking my pets. Yet I have three kids. What was I thinking? LOL! Of course my little darlings don't do any of that bad stuff. HA!

I know this will work out for you.
Big Hugs!
Scrooge


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## CelticGlory (Jan 19, 2006)

You could also go to a movie store or Target or even Walmart and get a few $5 kid movies to pop into the DVD player for them as well. Do you have a TV in your bedroom? We have one in the back and let the visiting kids go back to watch TV. They stay in there until its time to eat.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

Thanks everyone! I got some pretty good ideas from these posts about possible ways to entertain them that doesn't involve bothering the dogs or going crazy. 

We are going to the store now to pick up some things for tomorrow. Hopefully all goes well!


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

Gharrissc said:


> This has probably already been mentioned,but I would *TRY* leaving the dogs out when they kids were there,but put them away for a few hours when things got out of control. That may not be much help,but I haven't ran into that problem because all of our friend's who have kids have taught them how to act around animals. As far as the extra people at the last minute go,I would definitely ask if they could bring something to contribute to the dinner. That is the least they can do,and they shouldn't get mad about it.
> 
> Also having some kind of activities specifically for the kids will probably keep you sane!


I wish I could, but it's really way too risky. Duke doesn't like kids and I do not trust him. We've been working on it, but no where near to where I would have him off leash with kids around. 1 mistake can take a life... either the kids, or my dogs. Rather not put him in place for failure. 

I talked to my trainer today and he said leaving them crated is the safest way. He didn't have room there, but, he said 10min breaks will be just fine. He also recommended I kept him away from the kids and not allow them near his crate. Safety for everyone certainly comes first to me.



Twyla said:


> You don't say what cut of steak you are using for the stuffed steak, but for the kids, you could go with a cheaper cut. Chuck steaks are large so would be more then enough if cut in half, and when marinated, tenders up very nicely. Try zesty italian salad dressing for the marinade. And there will be dressing left to go with salads for the 2 of you the remainder of the week. For the bread, get the frozen variety, have it baking when they come in. Soften a quarter of unsalted butter and whip it up. _You have worked so hard to make this meal special_


To be honest, I have no idea. That's my SO's job . I pick the chicken and ground beef, and handle all the sides. He is better then myself at picking steaks, ribs, pork, and so on. I leave it up to him! lol! Same with the grilling!  I'll stick with my oven! I just know they look yummy, and they are thick! :wild:

The kids steak he'll be picking tonight. Wont be anything too crazy... just small, regular steaks.


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## Twyla (Sep 18, 2011)

TrickyShepherd said:


> To be honest, I have no idea. That's my SO's job . I pick the chicken and ground beef, and handle all the sides. He is better then myself at picking steaks, ribs, pork, and so on. I leave it up to him! lol! Same with the grilling!  I'll stick with my oven! I just know they look yummy, and they are thick! :wild:
> 
> The kids steak he'll be picking tonight. Wont be anything too crazy... just small, regular steaks.


Ok, at some point you have got to post the recipe here for all this - hopefully sooner


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

Another cost-saving idea: I take it the special recipe is the stuffed steak. Now you are feeding more people. Drop the expensive desert, and make a jello cake, or just a regular boxed cake, or jello salad, even a roll of cinnamin buns, with icing.

If your over-all budget for this meal was $30, keep it at $30. Reduce the stress by making the desert easier and cheaper. Today, I got two bins of sliced strawberries, a four-roll -pack of pillsbury biscuits -- made two of them, and a can of Redi-Whip extra-creamy (no high fructose corn syrup in that). I shoved the strawberries in a bowl and put sugar on them and put them in the fridge. After the dinner was out of the oven, I put the biscuits in. It was quick, easy, and really did not come close to costing what chocolate cheese cake would. 

Boxed brownie mix is pretty quick and easy. 

Cook and serve pudding. 

I think sometimes we make things harder than they have to be. Simplify. 

I am bad, but this just came to mind: set the dogs up to be groomed the day of your doing. Have your SO drop them off just before the guests are to arrive. 4 hours later, have him step out and go and get them. Sometimes, that can be a cue to people to wrap it up, time to go.


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## x0emiroxy0x (Nov 29, 2010)

I only read the first page of responses but want to throw this out there:

My parents have come to see me ONCE each (they are divorced) in the 3 1/2 years I have been to college...it is a two hour drive.

If my mom was willing to come and brought my step dad (who is not good around dogs), I would willingly crate rocky, which I hate doing, just because it would be so nice that my mom actually wanted to see me.

Dogs can be family too.... but believe me, I wish I had a family that wanted to come have dinner with me. I'd be jumping for joy. 

Crate the dogs and be happy your parents actually want and care to see you!


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

x0emiroxy0x said:


> I only read the first page of responses but want to throw this out there:
> 
> My parents have come to see me ONCE each (they are divorced) in the 3 1/2 years I have been to college...it is a two hour drive.
> 
> ...


Never said I wasn't happy to see my mother. And I never said I wouldn't crate my dogs. Not going to lie and say that I am 100% ok with it.... Yes, I feel bad to have them in their crates all day. 

And yes, I completely understand. My parents have been divorced since my childhood as well and my father since then has lived in NJ and only comes down once every 3-4 years. Flights to NJ are cheap, but back to FL are very expensive at times.. especially where I live since it's tourist capital. With my dogs, our home, and all other responsibility... we just don't have the availability to visit often... and when we do, we stay at my in-laws house and usually just for 2-3 days which we have to share with 2 sets of families. Not enough time with each. The last time I saw my father was July 2010 for 3 hrs at my brother's wedding. I miss him dearly. (He's yet to see our home, my dogs, my car. He's met my SO twice... everything I would LOVE to share with him!) So I get it... and I do appreciate the time I DO get with my family.

I'm really not looking to compare my life with others and "why I should appreciate my family"... especially considering everything I have and continue to do everything I can for them (and they give it back too) on a regular basis. I never complain and I never let them down. 

My family is very very very close knit. And I am thrilled to have them over (otherwise, I would have never invited/hosted, or kept the date and location)... But, why should I be judged for being concerned with valid reasons? My nephews safety, my dogs sanity, and how to go about making everyone happy.... as well as keeping my bank account in good standings.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

selzer said:


> Another cost-saving idea: I take it the special recipe is the stuffed steak. Now you are feeding more people. Drop the expensive desert, and make a jello cake, or just a regular boxed cake, or jello salad, even a roll of cinnamin buns, with icing.
> 
> If your over-all budget for this meal was $30, keep it at $30. Reduce the stress by making the desert easier and cheaper. Today, I got two bins of sliced strawberries, a four-roll -pack of pillsbury biscuits -- made two of them, and a can of Redi-Whip extra-creamy (no high fructose corn syrup in that). I shoved the strawberries in a bowl and put sugar on them and put them in the fridge. After the dinner was out of the oven, I put the biscuits in. It was quick, easy, and really did not come close to costing what chocolate cheese cake would.
> 
> ...


Thank you! Like the dessert idea. We already have the cheesecake, but I'll probably just pick up something cheap like brownies to make for the kids. Or cookies.


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## katieliz (Mar 29, 2007)

could it be that having your feelings disregarded by having no say in the (changed), situation is more the issue than the kids or the cost of the food or the problem of having to crate the dog(s)?


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

katieliz said:


> could it be that having your feelings disregarded by having no say in the (changed), situation is more the issue than the kids or the cost of the food or the problem of having to crate the dog(s)?


-edit- misread this post, sorry... gosh, I need some sleep... 3hrs of sleep is not doing well for me.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

katieliz said:


> could it be that having your feelings disregarded by having no say in the (changed), situation is more the issue than the kids or the cost of the food or the problem of having to crate the dog(s)?


That is definitely a possibility, btw. Sleeping on it helped to ease the stress a bit. Clearer head of how I am going to run tomorrow. Don't care at this point what was done, or what needs to be done... just want everyone to have a good time and enjoy our night. I think I can pull it off.


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

I think that sometimes we focus in on the unimportant things, when the real issue is having someone not bother to ask. Sometimes, we do not realize that the real thing that gets our goat is x, when we are focusing on Y and Z. 

And, sometimes, if we know deep down, that there is no way to fix X, we tend to put the focus on the other things, the things that seem more tangible, that other people will be willing to be empathetic over. 

The thing is, there is nothing wrong with being angry that your mother did not bother to ask you if it was ok to bring the extra people. If that is the main irritable event, what is causing all the negative feelings. Then you can look at that from all the different angles, and decide whether or not it will do any good at all to say something to your mother, or if that will backfire. 

But if that is the real major thing causing the irritation, and you can pin point that, it will be a lot easier to not take it out on the kids. Afterall, they really had no part in being brought along, being invited by your mother and not you. And while you won't consciously begrudge the kids, you might unconsciously do so, if you are focussing on the expense of two extra people, and the worry about kids and your dog. 

It sounds like the real problem is that mom just assumed it would be ok to invite the kids, and did so. And that got up under your skin. And you have a list of reasons (however valid) why it might not be ok. 

You know your mom. No advice as to actually dealing with her.


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## jetscarbie (Feb 29, 2008)

TrickyShepherd said:


> Thank you! Like the dessert idea. We already have the cheesecake, but I'll probably just pick up something cheap like brownies to make for the kids. Or cookies.


I love Selzer's advice! Just one thing.....I would *avoid* sugar. Sugar Free chocolate/vanilla/cheesecake jello taste the same as the sugary ones. Make that and put it in nice glasses or bowls and top with some sugar free whip cream. Maybe add a few sprinkles or some cherries. Kids love that.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

selzer said:


> I think that sometimes we focus in on the unimportant things, when the real issue is having someone not bother to ask. Sometimes, we do not realize that the real thing that gets our goat is x, when we are focusing on Y and Z.
> 
> And, sometimes, if we know deep down, that there is no way to fix X, we tend to put the focus on the other things, the things that seem more tangible, that other people will be willing to be empathetic over.
> 
> ...


Thanks.

All the things I mentioned are all part of it. Yes, I am concerned with the safety of the kids here at the house and with the dogs. Yes, I'm not thrilled about being a little thinner with money. I'm still not happy about crating my dogs all day. And I am still definitely going to see (and I'm sure hear about as well) how miserable this is going to make my SO after a long Monday at work. He'll get over it, and he respects my decision.... but, no, I'm still not happy about pushing him into this. (though, I did offer that he could fake an errand or an earlier arrangement, to not hurt feelings, and go out with his guys instead after dinner.... I wouldn't be mad at him. He declined though.) 

However, a good portion of the stress came down hard because of the fact that this was just... wrong. I don't agree with calling me during my busiest weekend, right before our planned dinner and saying "You'll need to buy more food. The kids are coming too". I love my mother very very much, but sometimes I do think she still believes I'm her little child that still lives under her rules and roof. That's been long gone. I have my own home, and my own roof to now I make my own rules. She would ask my other siblings before hand, pay for more food for them, or bring some "extra goodies" for the kids so they were fine. I'm just not at the same field as everyone else I guess. So yes, there is a little aggravation at that idea.

I'm still weighing my options if it's worth saying something to my mother. I wouldn't say anything tonight... but, I'm not sure it's worth saying anything later. Maybe something like "Hey, next time with guests.. please ask ahead of time so I can plan accordingly". May work.. may not. 

We'll see... for now... It's back to cleaning. 



jetscarbie said:


> I love Selzer's advice! Just one thing.....I would *avoid* sugar. Sugar Free chocolate/vanilla/cheesecake jello taste the same as the sugary ones. Make that and put it in nice glasses or bowls and top with some sugar free whip cream. Maybe add a few sprinkles or some cherries. Kids love that.


Thanks. Yeah, we already do with my nephew. He doesn't process sugar properly. A little in regular foods is ok (like a little sugar in a sweet potato, or natural sugars in fruit)... but no candy, no cake and icing (sugar free brownies is what I bought for them), no ice cream.... etc. etc. He will literally bounce off my walls if he has a fair amount of sugar. Then he's impossible to handle. :crazy:

Staying far away from that!


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## wyominggrandma (Jan 2, 2011)

Not trying to hijack thread:Talking might help, then again, she just might let it go in one ear and out the other. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.
If it makes you feel any better, my daughter just had her inlaws at her house for a week. Her husband works out of state 20 days and comes home for 10 days. He is a bit "babyish" anyway, but when his mom and dad showed up it was worse. My poor daughter spent the whole time being laughed at, teased and told "my daughter does things much better than you do, cooks much better than you do", etc. Then when my daughter finally blew up, the MIL said" I was just kidding".. Yeah right. Worse was her husband was being a total jerk, playing along with mommy. Then, and she did not tell her husband for the first few days, they stayed at their house, ate their food, whined until daughter and hubby took them for sightseeing trips and eating out, and never paid a PENNY at all, the whole time......... Not even offered to help with meals out, gas, food, nothing. This was daughter and hubbys "light" check and now they barely have enough to get by until next payday.. They kept throwing hints about money being tight, low payday, etc, but his mom did not get it or didn't want to listen.
When we would go visit my daughter/son in law, we drove 6 hours and pay for our own motel, gas, food, etc. Would never ever think of just expecting them to pay for everything. Was amazed that his mom and dad would expect the vacation to be paid by son in law and daughter. They live close to us now and when they brought his mom and dad to meet us, I was ready to throw her out in five minutes. Ooh, you have dogs, well I am alergic... Oh, you have a cat, I am allergic. So, I made her sit outside on the porch, did not let her into house where dog and cat live. Rude of me, probably. But I coudnt believe how rude and controlling she tried to be, even at my home when I had just met her.
Oh yea, the parting shot? After they were getting ready to leave, the mother asked for money to go to doctor next week when they got home. Now my daughter took hubby in room and told him what was going on, he was mad and told his parents no money. So, mother in law said" well fine, guess I will have to use some of our savings to pay for the doctor."..
AAuugh..... I hope your mom gets the picture a bit better. At least it is just for one meal.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

wyominggrandma said:


> Not trying to hijack thread:Talking might help, then again, she just might let it go in one ear and out the other. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.
> If it makes you feel any better, my daughter just had her inlaws at her house for a week. Her husband works out of state 20 days and comes home for 10 days. He is a bit "babyish" anyway, but when his mom and dad showed up it was worse. My poor daughter spent the whole time being laughed at, teased and told "my daughter does things much better than you do, cooks much better than you do", etc. Then when my daughter finally blew up, the MIL said" I was just kidding".. Yeah right. Worse was her husband was being a total jerk, playing along with mommy. Then, and she did not tell her husband for the first few days, they stayed at their house, ate their food, whined until daughter and hubby took them for sightseeing trips and eating out, and never paid a PENNY at all, the whole time......... Not even offered to help with meals out, gas, food, nothing. This was daughter and hubbys "light" check and now they barely have enough to get by until next payday.. They kept throwing hints about money being tight, low payday, etc, but his mom did not get it or didn't want to listen.
> When we would go visit my daughter/son in law, we drove 6 hours and pay for our own motel, gas, food, etc. Would never ever think of just expecting them to pay for everything. Was amazed that his mom and dad would expect the vacation to be paid by son in law and daughter. They live close to us now and when they brought his mom and dad to meet us, I was ready to throw her out in five minutes. Ooh, you have dogs, well I am alergic... Oh, you have a cat, I am allergic. So, I made her sit outside on the porch, did not let her into house where dog and cat live. Rude of me, probably. But I coudnt believe how rude and controlling she tried to be, even at my home when I had just met her.
> Oh yea, the parting shot? After they were getting ready to leave, the mother asked for money to go to doctor next week when they got home. Now my daughter took hubby in room and told him what was going on, he was mad and told his parents no money. So, mother in law said" well fine, guess I will have to use some of our savings to pay for the doctor."..
> AAuugh..... I hope your mom gets the picture a bit better. At least it is just for one meal.


She definitely will. I consider my mother a very good inlaw. Other then this, she is very good to my SO and very respectful to us. This is just the "I can't believe my baby is grown" syndrome my mother is going through. It's been going on for a good amount of years. For the past year or so, she's been doing great.... but, I think because our house is close and we see each other often she's starting to slip a bit.

I wish my inlaws were like my mother. I like my SO's step father a lot... but, sometimes his mom can be a bit too much for me to brush off and bite my tongue. She's a nice lady and I know she loves her son... but, sometimes I don't think she actually thinks over what she's saying (or doing). I love and respect my SO, so of course I deal with it in stride, and we accommodate her needs. I'm just a million times less stressed once she leaves. lol


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## bocron (Mar 15, 2009)

My first husband's mother was a trial for me. It wasn't really her fault, it was that I was pretty touchy I think and her communication style was very brusque. For example you'd be on the phone with her and when her brain moved on she would just say "Alright, bye" and hang up LOL. At first I freaked about it, then got pissed and then got over it. She was also an interior designer and would just show up at my house and replace furniture (most of what we had at first was borrowed from her), so I'd come home from work and walk in to find her here exchanging a dresser or a rug or something. She also had a good eye for personal style and would regularly comment on my hair or clothes in a very straightforward way. She'd say, "oh, the color of that shirt does nothing for you". Of course I'd smile and be fuming inside. Then somewhere along the way I realized she was freaking right every time she said something like that, and when she was exchanging the furniture, she always made it look better. 
I divorced her son after 9 years of marriage, and then we went from in-laws to good friends. I still see her as often as possible, she buys gifts for my daughter (from my second marriage) my family is always invited for Christmas and my daughter also goes on vacation with them every summer. 
I think since my own mom died the year I married her son I was constantly comparing her to my mom (who was VERY different), but once I started looking at her as her own person I got over it. 
I'm sure you are stressing over this dinner for a good reason, we all have buttons within our own families and just have to deal with them I guess. You will do just fine and can feel good about really trying your best when all is said and done.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

bocron said:


> My first husband's mother was a trial for me. It wasn't really her fault, it was that I was pretty touchy I think and her communication style was very brusque. For example you'd be on the phone with her and when her brain moved on she would just say "Alright, bye" and hang up LOL. At first I freaked about it, then got pissed and then got over it. She was also an interior designer and would just show up at my house and replace furniture (most of what we had at first was borrowed from her), so I'd come home from work and walk in to find her here exchanging a dresser or a rug or something. She also had a good eye for personal style and would regularly comment on my hair or clothes in a very straightforward way. She'd say, "oh, the color of that shirt does nothing for you". Of course I'd smile and be fuming inside. Then somewhere along the way I realized she was freaking right every time she said something like that, and when she was exchanging the furniture, she always made it look better.
> I divorced her son after 9 years of marriage, and then we went from in-laws to good friends. I still see her as often as possible, she buys gifts for my daughter (from my second marriage) my family is always invited for Christmas and my daughter also goes on vacation with them every summer.
> I think since my own mom died the year I married her son I was constantly comparing her to my mom (who was VERY different), but once I started looking at her as her own person I got over it.
> I'm sure you are stressing over this dinner for a good reason, we all have buttons within our own families and just have to deal with them I guess. You will do just fine and can feel good about really trying your best when all is said and done.


Thanks for sharing that! I'm really glad that it turned out well in the end. I used to be very patient with my SO's mother... but, I'm starting to wear a bit thin every time she comes and stays at my house. Like you said about yours.... I honestly don't think she does it to drive me nuts or be harsh or anything of that kind.... she's a nice woman. However, I really really don't think she actually realizes what she's saying. It's almost like she speaks before she even thinks how to phrase it. 

Also..... her and I absolutely have opposite feelings and techniques on how to raise a dog. She's only had her one dog (who's about 13 now). Yes, he's a good dog... but, he's also a lazy dog (always has been from what my SO says). You can't even compare that to my crazy trouble makers. So when she's here, she doesn't follow my rules and things either get broken, stained, torn up, or the dogs just flat out refuse to listen or behave. She hates my crates and tries to keep them out 24/7. Duke's fine for the most part, but Zira is a HORRIBLE house dog and destroys everything she can. She can't lay down for more then 5 seconds without getting bored... even at night while she should be sleeping. She lets them lick her (I'm allergic to pet dander, and that originates from pet saliva... I break out in hives if they lick me. so that's a no no here), she lets them jump on her, she feeds them table scraps (I nearly flipped my lid when I saw that... Zira's a SIBO dog, and she has allergies.. she can only have fish). But to her, I'm cruel to not let them do all of that, and my dogs are 
tortured in their horrible crates of doom.  Geez, let me tell you.. THAT conversation just goes by so peacefully....

Ugh, gosh am I happy she's a bit afraid of Duke and with a third possibly coming soon.... she'd rather stay at a hotel most of the time. I've also helped that decision by making our guest bedroom the "dog room". LOL! I like her.. I do... but, not living here at our home for a week or two. 

Thankfully... my mother is in NO way like that to any of her children or their SOs. I think she's a great inlaw to have.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

Been super busy so I haven't had the chance to update.

Dinner went well. My nephew was of course, all over the place. However, after he was told about 5 times to NOT go near the dogs room, he stopped going over there. That was a huge relief. I put old puppy collars on the door knob to the dogs room to hear when he went near there... that was definitely a huge help.

Everyone enjoyed dinner and while all the adults got to talk, the kids watched their favorite TV shows. Couldn't use the videos my mother brought over for them since we only have a bluray player (PS3). Though, I dug through the channels for like 20min trying to find like cartoon network or whatever they call it these days. I did eventually find it with my nieces help, and that was a life saver. 

Both dogs did fine. They were really bad all night with moving around and whining... but they survived and have been fine since. We've just made the walks a bit longer.

Anyway, just wanted to thank everyone for the ideas. We got through it just fine and everyone had a good time. Glad I was able to pull it off for everyone. My mother did help with the clean up, so that was a nice gesture.I enjoyed their company a lot even with the added work before and after. Just happy that the next dinner occasion is at my mother's house... lol!


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## Twyla (Sep 18, 2011)

:congratulations: :toasting:


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## selzer (May 7, 2005)

shweeew! Glad it went good. 

My family is big, my parents have 6 kids with a spread of 16 years. My oldest brother waited to have kids, but he married a woman with three, the two older ones (girls) just over and just under my little sister's age. My second brother waited as well, and my older sister waited until she was almost 40 before adopting the little girls, me and my younger brother are not married and my little sister now has a couple of girls. 

Anyway, my brothers step daughters now have 4 and 2 kids, and they will come to Thankgiving dinner with step kids, step kids' SOs, grand kids and their kid, in all 14, and bring one small green bean cassarole. 

Being the daughter that has cooked for the family for most of my life, and being otherwise unattached, and close in proximity to the old folks house, a lot of the cooking and preparations fall on me. I like to cook, and would much rather cook than clean up. But still. Thanksgiving for 28 is not exactly easy, especially when I was working at the time too. 

My mother had colon cancer and major surgery and was going through major chemo and radiation, and was very ill, and I had to do it all that year. Ok. I asked brother #1 (who brings 14 of all shapes and sizes) to get the table and chairs from the church. He refused and complained. I guilted him by saying it was so his family would have a place to plunk their butts, so he brought it. After the event he did not offer to take it back, so that fell to me and Dad. Of course. 

14 people = 1 green bean cassarole.

Days before Christmas brother #1 bought the folks a plastic table from Sams' Club, but did not have the money for the chairs, and hit me and my sisters up. My sisters were nice girls and paid for them. I told him to get stuffed (in my mind). 

Ok, so fast forward a couple of years, a surgery for the blockage for Mom, Dad had a bone shoved into his neck and a couple of shoulder surgeries. (They just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary last October so they are getting older.)

My sister in law tells us that her oldest girl with the boyfriend thing and her 4 kids and baby-daddies weren't coming, and we did not know about the second daughter's 4 people. Anyway, everyone did show, and these girls WOULD NOT mind their kids. They are running and screaming and carrying on, setting the burglar alarm for the shop off so the police came, it was a nightmare. Everyone of their kids had to have a seat at the table, even the less than 1 year old baby. While my sister came with her two girls for their first major Thanksgiving dinner -- they were 2 and almost 2. and they had to sit on the floor in the kitchen. Mom was sick and did not realize that was where they were. 

When my sister put them to bed upstairs at 11PM, the older kids were running and screaming, and my sister told them NOT to go in that room. They did and screamed at the little girls, terrifying them. My sister finally said something and my brother's step daughters took their kids and left, my brother's wife took their kid and left. Brother #2 had already run screaming with his wife and kid. So what was left to talk was Brother #1, my sisters, little brother, his SO, my brother-in-law and I. We told brother #1 that we needed to scale back thanksgiving, it is just too crazy. BIL and Sister #3 ran screaming out the door, as he did not want to get involved. But, Mom and Dad can't do it any more. 

Dad got drawn into the conversation. He felt really badly because my brother felt so picked on. Why should it be that his family has to go. We said it had to be put down to the kids and grandkids. They are grandparents now, and they have their Thankgiving at home early anyway, then they come over to mom and dad's and everyone eats a full meal again. We offered pie, they could come after dinner for pie. Not good enough.

And it is not just the food, it is the seating, and it is the insanity, the inability for some of the people to mind their children. My brother never realized there was any problem. Mom was hiding in her room. Brother 2 and his wife and kid had to leave because of how crazy it was. The cops were there. The babies were screaming. It starts about 4PM, we eat at 9-10PM and it goes on until about 2AM. Too much for old people, especially when our day started before 7AM. 

I met my great grandparents 1 time when I was very small. They were old and frail and I would NEVER have run or screamed in their home, one does not do that. 

Evenso, my brother was very angry and hurt. He felt we all picked on him. We made him feel unwelcome. He told us we would never be bothered with his family again. He told his family that my sister felt his kids were a bad influence on her kids -- she would NEVER say or even think such a thing.

The girls are five now. So its been three years, almost. My younger sister has a couple of babies now, but last year she could not go anywhere because the baby was born way premature. So Thanksgiving was very manageable. But I have to say that things have been strained a bit since. 

It really was only a matter of time. Even the dog had to be given extra medication to not have siezures during the insanity. And none of them would lift a finger to help clean up, that fell to my older sister, who provides the wine -- tons of it, and whose children sat on the floor. Brother #2's wife would help some to put the food away, and I do some, but by then, I am beat. 

I think my brother understands now, but it hit him like a ton of bricks. He was mad because he bought the table (which he gave the folks for Christmas years before), so his kids and their families would have a place to sit. Kind of like buying the wife a vacuum cleaner for Christmas so she can pick up your peanut shells. The table does not sit 14 for one thing. And whatever. 

I could go on and on. I think what was said, had to be said. But everyone was unhappy about it. Keeping family happy is delicate at times. For the most part, we kind of live by the rules of not sweating the small stuff, and simplify. But no matter how hard you try sometimes, feelings will be hurt, and people will be used, will feel used and walked on. Perhaps it is best to define boundaries before things get really unwieldy, but it is really a question either way.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

selzer said:


> shweeew! Glad it went good.
> 
> My family is big, my parents have 6 kids with a spread of 16 years. My oldest brother waited to have kids, but he married a woman with three, the two older ones (girls) just over and just under my little sister's age. My second brother waited as well, and my older sister waited until she was almost 40 before adopting the little girls, me and my younger brother are not married and my little sister now has a couple of girls.
> 
> ...


Eeek! Geez, I would have had my final panic attack with that! :crazy:

Thankfully, while my family is quite large.... we are not near that size. And yes, I agree... sometimes... just have to do/say what is necessary. Have to make sure everyone respects each other as well... family or not. I've always been the one to get stepped on a bit... being the youngest, and the more quiet one. But, when I do snap... I mean it, and I say it loud and clear. Fortunately, my family is starting to respect me as an adult with my own responsibilities... it's been a blessing to have that respect.


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## Freestep (May 1, 2011)

Wow. I sure am glad I swore off holiday gatherings ten years ago. One of the best things I've ever done for myself. I no longer celebrate holidays; I just categorically refuse to do it. Too much stress, and for what? I don't get any pleasure out of it.

Thankfully, my parents have finally learned to cope with my decision. Every year my mom checks with me to see if I've changed my policy, but no longer gets her panties in a bunch about it. I do sometimes go over to my Dad's house on Xmas morning, but that's as far as I will go, and it's only because of my brother and sister (they are 15-17 years younger than me and still enjoy Xmas).

I always tell them I'd be happy to come over for dinner on any night but a holiday, and my Dad takes me up on this often. My mom has us over for dinner about once a year, and that's plenty for me.


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## TrickyShepherd (Aug 15, 2011)

Freestep said:


> Wow. I sure am glad I swore off holiday gatherings ten years ago. One of the best things I've ever done for myself. I no longer celebrate holidays; I just categorically refuse to do it. Too much stress, and for what? I don't get any pleasure out of it.
> 
> Thankfully, my parents have finally learned to cope with my decision. Every year my mom checks with me to see if I've changed my policy, but no longer gets her panties in a bunch about it. I do sometimes go over to my Dad's house on Xmas morning, but that's as far as I will go, and it's only because of my brother and sister (they are 15-17 years younger than me and still enjoy Xmas).
> 
> I always tell them I'd be happy to come over for dinner on any night but a holiday, and my Dad takes me up on this often. My mom has us over for dinner about once a year, and that's plenty for me.


I enjoy them... but, I don't want them at my house. My mother's home (were we all grew up) is huge and can fit everyone comfortable and can also provide a bed for everyone as well if needed. We all help with the clean up so my mother isn't stuck with it. It would be impossible to have everyone here. It's nice to be with the family though. I do enjoy seeing everyone.


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## Ambrola (Jul 7, 2012)

Freestep said:


> Wow. I sure am glad I swore off holiday gatherings ten years ago. One of the best things I've ever done for myself. I no longer celebrate holidays; I just categorically refuse to do it. Too much stress, and for what? I don't get any pleasure out of it.
> 
> Thankfully, my parents have finally learned to cope with my decision. Every year my mom checks with me to see if I've changed my policy, but no longer gets her panties in a bunch about it. I do sometimes go over to my Dad's house on Xmas morning, but that's as far as I will go, and it's only because of my brother and sister (they are 15-17 years younger than me and still enjoy Xmas).
> 
> I always tell them I'd be happy to come over for dinner on any night but a holiday, and my Dad takes me up on this often. My mom has us over for dinner about once a year, and that's plenty for me.


And I thought I was the only person in the world who felt this way. Not because of the money, I just don't like being told I have to be anywhere at anytime. We don't even put up a Christmas tree anymore. To the original OP's concerns, its only chicken, and this is your Mother? I think you are makeing a big deal out of nothing.


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