# Will I ever recover?



## mandiah89 (Jan 18, 2013)

It was a sunny day on November 5th 2012... all seemed normal as I let my GSD named Diesel out to do her business and play a game of fetch. She was 2 years and 8 months old, not a single time in her life had she ever not listened to me, not once did she ever refuse a recall until that fateful day  

Something must have caught Diesel's attention as she took off like a bat out of **** down my driveway and out into the road... I followed her calling her name and whistling her whistle to no effect. I followed her off my street getting worried as she had never left the property before nor had she ever not listened to me as she neared a busy street. She ran out in front of a car who slammed on their breaks and missed her by inches, startled, she looked back at me while taking a few steps into the next lane where a truck pulling a utility trailer hit her head on. I watched in horror as she was hit and flew under the back wheel of the truck then under the trailer, already in the process of running to her. 

The man driving the truck did not slow down, break, or stop even after hitting her he just kept going! Diesel looked up at me as I threw my body over he to try to protect her from the car that was behind the truck, which had stopped as she has seen what had occured. Diesel tried to get up but realized she couldn't.  The lady in the car ran out with a blanket and threw it on Diesel and helped me pick her up and put her in her car. She drove us the two minuets to the animal hospital. I waited outside in the car as the woman ran into the clinic. I tried to keep calm for Diesel's sake but was crying and panicking.

A vet tech ran out to the car and took Diesel in her arms and ran her inside. I thanked the lady and apologized for the blood from my dog in the back seat, she waved me away saying go be with your dog! I ran inside and after Diesel still bawling. The vet took us into the "Emergency room" and started looking her over and giving her pain meds and steriods. 

Diesel who was a slim shepherd, all the sudden had a very VERY bloated stomach, which the vet told me she was bleeding internally. Her eyes had started to go all black, and non reactive, and she had a bowl movement on the table. I cried and screamed that she was going to die and the vet said " thats most likely whats going to happen". Seconds later Diesel started to take gasping breaths, and the vet checked her eyes and they were completely non reactive, I begged the vet to please put her out of her misery. They told me I was making the right decision to end her last bit of suffering as she was already pretty much gone it was just her body trying to fight on. They injected that horrible green liquid into her and it took maybe 5 seconds for her to stop breathing.

Throughout her entire ordeal she did not whimper or whine, and I hope to God that she did not suffer, or if she was actually just being strong for me.

I stayed with her for as long as I could bare, and the vets told me that the only charge that they were going to make was the $60 to "put her to sleep" and did not charge me for anything else. 

Two months and 7 days after this all happened I still feel broken. I infact tried to end my life shortly after this had all happened. I still have nightmares, I cry all the time, and think of her almost constantly... She was my angel and I miss her dearly, I wish there was something I could have done to change what happened... 

My family knew how much Diesel had meant to me... She was my furchild (as I dont want any kids of my own only 4 legged furry ones). So they surprised me with another pure bred GSD puppy for Christmas (which coincidentally was born a few hours after Diesel had passed) . I wasnt sure if i was ready for another puppy, let alone one that looks just like Diesel did, but i feel that I am blessed to have Penny in my life now, almost like she was a gift from Diesel, and am learning to open my heart to love her like I did Diesel, although I know no other dog will ever replace Diesel. 

Sorry for the long post. And Diesel may you R.I.P and may one day you and I be reunited!


----------



## Mary&Stella (Jan 1, 2011)

You will recover, thoughts of Diesel will turn into warm happy memories, it just takes time. Enjoy your new Penny, a gift of Love from your family and just keep on going day to day. It is so hard when our beloved dogs pass, but always nice to open your heart to a new fur baby.
I am so sorry for your loss, ...


----------



## Shade (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm so sorry, it's hard enough to lose a loved one but lose them like that is beyond tragic. :hugs:

I had a cocker spaniel who was my first dog who belonged to me alone. I had to put him down because of medical complications and I was devestated. Shortly after I brought Jazzy home and it took me several months to truly bond to her. I liked her and took care of her, but I did not love and bond to her for at least 3-4 months. 

It does get better and you do learn to appreciate the new dog for who they are.


----------



## 1sttimeforgsd (Jul 29, 2010)

Sorry about the loss of your precious Diesel, I have found that over time the pain lessons but it never goes away. You are going to make lots of new memories with your new girl Penny and grow to love her just as much, and someday when it is time Diesel will be at the bridge waiting for you. Now start making those memories with Penny and take lots of pics to share with us, because we just love looking at pics on here.


----------



## RocketDog (Sep 25, 2011)

Oh dear. I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you. Let Time work it's slow magic.


----------



## Bear GSD (Apr 12, 2012)

I am so sorry for the horrific loss of your precious Diesel. I only hope that time and your new Penny will help ease the pain. Sorry to welcome youto the forum under sad circumstances.


----------



## blackshep (Aug 3, 2012)

I'm so sorry, what a horrible thing to witness.

You will recover. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will. I lost my little cat a year and a half ago, and for months I couldn't stop crying. Slowly but surely the pain lessened. I miss him terribly, that will never go away, but the pain becomes less.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's every pet owners worst nightmare.


----------



## Daisy (Jan 4, 2009)

I read this and am crying for you, and am so sorry for your loss of Diesel. In time, I hope your memories bring a smile to replace the pain. Just love Penny for who she is and she will eventually steal your heart.


----------



## Cassidy's Mom (Mar 30, 2003)

OMG, how horrible. I hope that Penny can heal your heart. :hugs:


----------



## Stevenzachsmom (Mar 3, 2008)

You have just described all our worst nightmares. These tragedies happen so quickly. I am so very sorry for your loss. No Penny will not replace Diesel. I don't think we ever replace our beloved dogs, nor should we try. You will love Penny more and more every day - for who she is. Your heart will heal. There may be scars, but the pain will ease, in time.

Hugs to you!


----------



## Loneforce (Feb 12, 2012)

That is terrible  I am very sorry for your loss


----------



## Nikitta (Nov 10, 2011)

Oh what a tragic horrible thing to see. I think it is every pets owners nightmare. Xerxes ran away from me one day up onto a super busy highway. Thank god I was able to catch him. Please don't blame yourself. Bad things happen to good people. I hope Penny helps you heal.


----------



## readaboutdogs (Jul 8, 2001)

I lost my Cody in sept,2012, and I still cry over him. He would have been 12 today. I miss him so much, but am beginning to think more on the good times, and that I got to be the one with him and loved by him during his time to be on this earth. At first all I could think of was his illness and the day he passed but have began to think more on the things I loved about him and things about our life together. We celebrated his brother's 12th birthday today and sang Happy Birthday to Cody too! They are litter mates! Cody and Clipper, my boys! My first gsds! Remember that, that you were the one to get to share her life and love with her and each treasured memory is sealed safely in your heart!


----------



## Snickelfritz (Feb 21, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss  Diesel will always be in your heart. Always. The pain will eventually lessen, but he will always be apart of you. 

This new puppy, will eventually warm her way into your heart, and you will love again, and bond again. It just takes a little bit of time. Don't think of it as a betrayal. Our hearts are bigger than we know, and your animals love you for it. You need no forgiveness to love another dog. Just go with your heart. :hug:


----------



## selzer (May 7, 2005)

I am sorry. That was just awful to see. And terribly sad. 

It will get better. Love this little one and let her help you heal.


----------



## llombardo (Dec 11, 2011)

I'm so sorry for your loss


----------



## wolfy dog (Aug 1, 2012)

I am so sorry that you lost your Diesel. I know the feeling of thinking you never will get over it. I have had to say goodbye to several dogs over my life but the pain does heal, although you will always miss these beautiful creatures. New dogs will come to you when you are ready and Penny came to you just then. I hope you can love her for who she is.


----------



## Wetdog (May 23, 2001)

You should talk to a professional counselor, it sounds like you are suffering from PTSD to me.

I hope you refind your happiness with Penny. Penny is your new life---but because you have a new life, does not mean you forget the life that went before.

Counseling may help you get your life and your priorities back on track. 

 Ask your doctor for a referral to a qualified counselor.


----------



## mandiah89 (Jan 18, 2013)

Wetdog said:


> You should talk to a professional counselor, it sounds like you are suffering from PTSD to me.
> 
> I hope you refind your happiness with Penny. Penny is your new life---but because you have a new life, does not mean you forget the life that went before.
> 
> ...


I have been seeing a counselor since December, it is helping a little bit


----------



## blackshep (Aug 3, 2012)

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor, it does sound like you were badly traumatized by the event.

I hope things are getting a little easier now.

How is wee Penny? Do we have any pictures of her yet? I hope she's bringing you lots of joy after your terrible loss.


----------



## mandiah89 (Jan 18, 2013)

blackshep said:


> I'm glad you're seeing a counselor, it does sound like you were badly traumatized by the event.
> 
> I hope things are getting a little easier now.
> 
> How is wee Penny? Do we have any pictures of her yet? I hope she's bringing you lots of joy after your terrible loss.


Penny is doing great! She is helping more than I could have imagined and having another GSD certainly wont replace Diesel but Pennys love is slowly filling that whole in my chest that has been there since Diesel's passing ... here is a few pictures taken a few days ago on her 10 week birthday!


----------



## katdog5911 (Sep 24, 2011)

Typed words on a forum cannot express how truly sorry I am for your loss of Diesel. I sat here and cried for a while. What happened to you is truly everyone's worst nightmare. My dog's sister slipped her harness and was hit by a car last year in front of her owner. Time has helped to lessen the raw pain but you never forget. I hope that Penny can help fill the void in your heart. Perhaps she is a message from Diesel that you need to go on. Remember Diesel and the good times with a smile....and smile while you make some new memories with Penny....
RIP Diesel


----------



## blackshep (Aug 3, 2012)

Oh my goodness, look at her sweet expression on her face. What a cutie!

Diesel would not want for you to be sad. So enjoy your new puppy and while you will always miss your Diesel, don't feel any guilt about loving your little Penny. She is precious and was meant to come to you in your time of need. That's the amazing thing about the human heart, there is always room for more love. 

Give her a big hug, she is too adorable!


----------



## readaboutdogs (Jul 8, 2001)

Beautiful puppy! Having clipper (Cody's brother) has helped me immensely after losing Cody.


----------



## 3dognite (May 28, 2003)

I'm so very sorry for your loss. What a trauma for you and for your beloved dog.

Penny is not a replacement, she's a testament to your love and affection for Diesel, an affirmation that your relationship with Diesel was such that you need to share that love with another dog.

One day at a time.


----------

